long pointless ramblings.. no real reason to read..

Discussion in 'New Zealand' started by atropine, Jan 17, 2005.

  1. atropine

    atropine Member

    i dunno where else to put this, except random thoughts but screw that, i feel like rambling to nz.. if you cant be fucked, id suggest stop reading now, its ramble, either that or stop in a few lines bored.

    its 4:10am, and ive been sitting in this chair for the best part of the last 5hours.. this is basically common practise for me nowadays (except for the nights spent with my gf) because really, i hate sleeping, i hate getting up early, and even when i spend hours being bored shitless, i usually find things to do on the net.. most of all though, i just use this time to its fullest, as im completely alone.. sure, some nights ill talk to vic, a random escortdriver off a different forum, or my mate from england, but personally, im desolate. everyone else in the house is asleep, and i have peace from the outside world. so as i spend hours, sitting here in the dark, listening the a variety of songs, or occasionally the same one over and over (just realising the same song has played a few times around..) i have quite a lot of time to think.. and while thats all good and harmless, sometimes it just isnt. whether i inherited it from her (lol) or my mum just makes good use of this "skill" as well, i have a tendancy to far overthink everything. i piece together dozens of unlinked thoughts in ways that, while can seem quite ridiculous, are all quite possible.. over the years, the last one probly taking the most toll, this can take quite a lot out of me, and just destroy me inside. i sit here a depressed and paranoid wreck.. i was fine half an hour ago and then i just got triggered and snapped.. a change of music (to limp bizkit of all things..), a rapid closure of a few internet sites (about 3 or 4 of hipforums) and i find myself once again in the downward spiral of my mind.. ive calmed a bit while writing this but still have an unignorable feeling in my stomach and down my neck, although im completely oblivious as to why.. i sit here, feeling nothing but sadness. i cant exactly put a reason on it, it just is.. its a very familiar feeling though, and atleast i can think, that by the morning, it may be gone, and i can try to forget its there again. ignorance is bliss afterall right.. probaly not, but im a lot more able and experienced at bottling my thoughts, rather than express and confront whats there. thats probly my main problem, or the source anyway.. im far too paranoid for my own good now.. not of anything bizarre or supernatural.. of some of the people closest to me, or the people around them. of the people who hate me, and people i dont know.. my minds always coming up with the worst scenario, and once thats in, i find it quite hard to ignore. a few times in the past, when my paranoia on a certain something has been really peaked, that paranoias come true, and that makes it fucken hard for me to ignore similar paranoias. no matter how many goodcase scenarios i can think of, nothing helps that paranoia. so i sit here dwelling, on my nights thoughts and the last 30mins of writing(i must type slow when im thinking..).. and im trying to find the answers. just anything i can do to sort myself out. but this is what im like, always have been, its just been growing over the years.. and it always seems like theres plenty to fed my mind.. every week theres little bits adding into my little library.. random comments to memories seen in a way i hadnt before, all just piling up and connecting together. most of them linking, because theyre basically an open book to my mind.. i only know certain points, i dont know how it got to there or what happened after. i could read a small sentence, quite open for translation, and take it worse than it actually is. but without the answers, my mind has all this open links, and piecing them together myself doesnt give me any answers, just the paranoia.. and if the answers were given to me could i believe.. not due to lack of faith, but due to that very paranoia. so much of it has come true in the past, its just hard not to believe.. especially when it gets strong. so if im told something that contradicts it, im thinking i might have a hard time.. but im not sure.. and now im wondering if i should post this.. what do i have to gain from it.. i guess thats why my livejournal only contains 2 or 3 posts, and purely of lyrics.. noone else knows the member name and quite frankly ive forgotten it.. people post things on them so others will see it without them saying it straight to them, so is that what im doing here.. trying to get comfort or some other shit.. i dunno.. im too tired and confused to really think about that right now.. but maybe thats also the reason why i might not post it.. i just dont realise why i would care to without a hidden agenda.. but if its hidden to me as well is it really a good idea..

    well thats my rambling.. if i post this (4:50 and undecided..) and someone actually read through all that shit, well congrats.. but im fucken tired, so the rambling stops here.

    fuck it, why not post it, its just a spontaneous depression. a lot of people have it worse, this is just my rambling. i guess i should just embrace what ive got and just try to sort this shit out without letting it effect my life toomuch.. meh
     
  2. BlackGuardXIII

    BlackGuardXIII fera festiva

  3. Disarm

    Disarm Member

    *comfortcomfortcomfort* poor bubble :( Next time you're sad just ring my cell ok. I'll steal one of our cars and come see oo unconditionally..
     
  4. atropine

    atropine Member

    i dont like the idea of waking you up at 4am when youve got work in the morning.. especially often
     
  5. 8footsativa_chik

    8footsativa_chik Waka Chang-Chang

    Hehehe, Bubble.
    Depression sucks, hope your all kool now k james.
     
  6. Random Andy

    Random Andy Member

    Ever meditate? Just sit there and, whenever a thought comes into your mind for the first few minutes, banish it. Actively think about nothing. Then when you start to relax, start judging. If a thought looks productive, follow it. If not banish, BANISH, BANISH, RRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!


    That always calms me down.
     

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