Lonely Bastard...sorry this is so long.

My first thread....yippee.

So, my girlfriend left me a couple of months ago. No warning, no wierd behavior beforehand...she just came home from class one night and said.."We need to talk"...She tells me that i have "anger issues" (which is bullshit, IMHO...sure I get pissed and rave at the walls on occassion, it was NEVER about her, or directed at her) and that I need to "work some things out".

She also told me that she was bored, we used to have fun...but now we just sit around. So, as I'm sitting there with my jaw on the floor, blindsided in my opinion, she begins to pack. Her intention was to go stay with her parents until I got my shit together...whatever that meant.

While she is packing, I'm asking questions trying to figure out what's happenning because I'm floored. Then she tells me that she has felt this way for a couple of months, and now she was ready to leave! Well, that really pissed me off, and I started letting her have it. I told her I thought it was pretty fucking inconsiderate for her to not say something sooner. We were "in love", I thought, and this was a pretty shitty way of treating someone you love.

The more I thought about this the angrier I got. I eventually said, "You might as well pack all your shit and make one trip, then".

Yep, that was not the right thing to say, in retrospect. I helped her pack her stuff, we didn't say a word...then she's gone. We have spoken twice since then...I tried really hard to work it out with her over the next couple of weeks, but she wouldn't talk to me, or said very little. She kept saying, "I'm done".

Needless to say I've been pretty miserable since then. I loved her more than anything and felt/still feel that she was The One. (cliche, I know)

Now, here's my problem. I know she isn't coming back. Out of the question. So, what do I do. I'm so fucking lonely I can't stand it. I'm up untill 2 or 3 in the morning....doing nothing. Looking through these forums, mostly.

I'm a pretty introverted person. The quietest, shyest guy you would ever meet. I don't know how to talk to people, especially a girl I might find attractive. I detest bars and clubs, and walking up to someone in a store, or anywhere for that matter, freaks me out too bad. I just can't do it.

In the past, when I have tried this, I usually just get outright laughed at. Most women look at me like I'm standing there strangling kittens when I try to talk to them. It has happened EVERY TIME, without fail. Hence, I don't talk to strangers. I just won't do it.

I have very few friends. I rarely see them....they have wives, kids, commitments. You know, real lives. Since I don't see them that often, my human contact is pretty much non-existant, besides work. I don't like hanging out with work people, so that's a no go.

This is getting long, and I really don't have a point. I'm just a fucked up dude, with a sad, gray, blah life.

So, if any of you actually read this, and make it this far down the page....I'd enjoy reading you comments, if you have any.

Thanks for letting me bring you down. I apologize.

Todd

 

man ..dude you do have anger issues ....big time.. get help. before you talk to her again.

 

IT SUX, ya happend to me minus the first paragraph, and a few other details. but ya it sux, im in the same situation, shyist guy ever, doesnt have alot of friends, when i try to talk to a chick more r less ask her out same thing they look at me like im strangling kittens as im talking to em. IT SUX, yaaaaaaa it does. only thing i can tell u is chicks arent gonna look the same to u for a while, ur gonna c a hot chick and just think to ur seld its just not her. im 16 so i cant go to bars, n clubs etc, but if i could i would. just dont stop, just keep going thats all u can do.

 

most angry people have trouble admitting that they have anger issues.

 

well if you suck at talking to people and have no social skills, try the DJ bible boot camp in the how to be a player thread.

 

Wow, alot of first-rate support here!

Biggen, maybe you do have anger.. maybe you have <insert whatever here> ... the point is, you can't resist what you have in you. You say you are "fucked up". Based on that definition we are all fucked up. Rather than quarantining the aspects of ourselves that are painful or dark, we have to integrate them fully in order to release them.
You have to learn to acknowledge and accept what you call "issues". By calling them issues, you reinforce them. By accepting "it" ("it" being whatever you are working on), thransformation becomes a viable option. Transformation is a powerful thing - it's all about restructuring our lives around the natural cycle of stress->tensions->release vs. stress->tension->stress.

I'm going through some heavy shit right (emotionally, physically and mentally) now, have been for about 10 years, and this is the best advice I can give you: Accept your "anomalies" fully without judegement, and only then can you transmute them into something else, or release them.

I kind of went on a tangent, and I geuss this post doesn't respond directly to you situation.. but eh..

Good luck!

 

Although I am not in your situation, I can totally identify with you. I have been with my wife for over 15 years... If she were to leave, I would be clueless. She wasn't the first girl I dated or became close with, but it has been over 15 years since I have even attempted to get with a girl, and that was in high school. To try it now would be quite humorous I'm sure. I also find it difficult to break the ice with people, although I can be quite well spoken if I am given time to think about what I am trying to say. Thus, I tend to have as many "friends" online as I do in realtime... Perhaps emailing/IMing would be a way for you to get to know someone comfortably, or at least begin to feel more comfortable with meeting people. Go out with friends in a group setting. Do some volunteer work. You'd be surprised at the types of people you would meet that way, plus it is doing something constructive with your time. As hard as it is to get started, you have to put yourself where people are. Good luck. BTW - are you over her yet, or are you still holding onto the hope that she'll come around?

 

Thanks for the honest and supportive replies...the others, go get fucked.


Yeah, I have some problems. But, they are mine and they really shouldn't effect other people. (At least I hope)

True, I do need to "put myself out there". I'm just a little too fucked up about my situation to do that at the moment. Ifeel like I'm in a really dark place, lonely, like I said.

No, I'm not over her. I really don't know when I will be. I have accepted that there's no chance of her coming back. She's made that pretty clear.

So, thanks again, good people.

 

Then I have to suggest that you don't try to find someone new yet. You won't like the results if you go into a new relationship if you are not over your previous. Finding out who you are and what you need is the answer to preparing yourself to move forward. Don't put a body there just to avoid being lonely. Use the time to find yourself.

 

yup, you have to become happy alone before you can be happy with another.

 

"Yeah, I have some problems. But, they are mine and they really shouldn't effect other people. (At least I hope)"

what you think and feel will be felt by others in your presence.

 

I actually used to be quite shy in many ways and things. Some things that changed that for me was to learn to be comfortable with who and what I am. Now I can and will talk to anyone anywhere. I go out alone quite often and that can be quite depressing. I usually only go when there is some music I want to hear so I know I will have a good time to some degree. I talk casually with everyone I come in contact with, men, women, boys and girls...Someone I knew used to say " Fortune favors the bold" and I believe he was very right. What helped me is I have no expectation from a conversation and I don't worry about how I appear to anyone else.
I've been blindsided in a relationship. Too long a story to type here but it was a very odd ending to a five year relationship. I also met someone I thought was The One, only to find there was no way in hell I could ever have achieved a happily ever after (maybe the next time thru) I went thru all that crap, not sleeping depression, ect, for months and sometimes its easy to slip back into that when theres so much shit i need to deal with here. It gets better. This is a good time to get to know yourself on a deeper, more intimate level. You will have even more to offer in the next relationship when you are ready.
LOL~ I have no life lately as well, hence much time spent on here with little sleep as well. The internet can be an amazing thing though. I have manged to meet three very diverse and interesting men and am getting ready for the second visit from someone who is quite wonderful.
Would you really wanna spend the rest of your life with someone that holds such little value to your relationship that they don't even bother to discuss or try to work things out, that their solution to when the going gets rough (at least in their mind) they pack? We all have issues, and knowing that is half the battle..so take this time for yourself. Get to know and appreciate who you are and what you bring to the table, fix what needs fixing. Tomorrow, the sun will still shine and the birds will still sing, the only thing keeping you from enjoying it is your preception. loveandlight~gdh

 

"So, my girlfriend left me a couple of months ago. No warning, no wierd behavior beforehand...she just came home from class one night and said.."We need to talk"...She tells me that i have "anger issues" (which is bullshit, IMHO...sure I get pissed and rave at the walls on occassion, it was NEVER about her, or directed at her) and that I need to "work some things out"."
if some one tells you that you have an anger problem and you dont see it ,thats sad.. to you it may be only the wall, but to her she sees it as "that could easily be me some day" for you to "rave" on walls or anything is wrong and shows that you do have a problem.. go get help now before you accedently "rave" on some one you claim to love..

 

If you are shy and want to meet someone i suggest joining an Internet dating site. One of my best friends met her boyfriend on one of them and now they are engaged. As for the anger issue only you know if it is a real problem.

 

OK, let me clarify...."raving at the walls" means yelling at them, not hitting them. I don't do violence...it's just not me.


And, I have checked into this "anger problem" I'm supposed to have. I've researched it online, the library and even bought a few books on the subject...because I was willing to try. I learned one thing from all of these sources. I don't have any unhealthy anger issues. A bit more hot-headed than others, yes, but I don't have what's called "toxic anger syndrome".

But, most of you have been cool about this, and I really do appreciate the feedback. (Good and Bad) That's why I posted in the first place.

I'm still trying to figure myself out. Finding another girlfriend is not the answer. I'm not even interested in a relationship at this point. I was just stating how I'm usually received by people (male or female). People just don't take me the right way, I guess. It's not their problem...I'm used to it by now. It still sucks though when I get those looks....

Anyway, enough babble....thanks for listening!

 

I'm sorry, but usually someone mentions the problem before they come home and pack too, especially since none of your rants were about her or directed at her. Sounds like you may never get to all that was bothering her. Doesn't appear that she is very communicative. Maybe it was old buttons of hers that it pushed too.

 

mab u should go to a few anger management classes and c what it does 4 u.

 

or try this:


doubleyourdating.com

works for me.

 

not sure if my contribution will help much... i walked out on the love of life after 15yrs..the hardest thing i ever did.. but at least i dont have to worry anymore about which one night stand hes playing around with tonight... 16months down the line and other than work and just about every night at the gym i still havent found myself...let alone feel ready to find someone else..or maybe i am.. i dont ever feel lonely now..the internet is a great place to be if you cant sleep...and i never feel sorry for myself...that always shows in your face and who would want to say hi then?...you dont have a choice but to push yourself to get out there.. life isnt easy...and maybe i wont ever trust anyone again... but one day its going to be fun finding out..and just maybe i'll have a few great experiences on the way... good luck..
pabsy