listen

Trish I know just where you are comin' from. I've dealt with those same kind of demons my entire life. I've been to hell and back on multiple occasions and lived to tell the tale. From what I gather from your posts, we are very similar in that we hurt ourselves more than anyone else. I have had Bipolar disorder and severe depression my entire life and in the past I tried many ways to try to stop the pain....most of the things I did to try to help the pain just ended up hurting me more. Drinking, drugs, men, you name it. My own mind became worst enemy. I have been at that point you describe of feeling totally fucked.....and I did nothing about it but abuse myself more. Thing is, you DO have the ability to change. To heal. You and you alone can make that decision. I made it awhile back; I decided I had had enough of basically killing myself slowly in the ways described above. I also decided to face the problems head on and do something about them. I sought help. I won't lie to ya, it's not an easy road and I quit the meds and therapy a few times and fell on my ass again. My Bipolar disorder is now under control with medication and I'm still workin' on the depression thing. Many of the meds I tried either didn't work for me or kicked my Bipolar disorder into high-gear. I've tried the holistic approach and the traditional approach. Whatever it takes. I just went through some serious treatments to help my depression and I have high hopes of it working. Point is......I'm NOT gonna give up. And you don't have to either, Trish. Your problem could be completely different from mine; I'm not trying to analyze you here, but I do get the feelin' you are in pain and there's a reason for it. You're only on this earth for a short period of time babe, don't waste precious time by being miserable.

Feel free to PM, IM or email me if you want to talk.....anytime.

 

trish,
i'm going to pm you wheni'm done writing this. i'm very tired and i want to go to bed, but i do want to message you first.

rat,
thanks for giving her the "tough love" support. i've been through some rough waters myself and i would never have made it through without that kind of support from others. truth can be painful, and we all need friends who are willing to acknowledge that and support us through it all anyway.


to the one with bipolar, and anyone else who finds these words helpful, on the mental health system:

i've never been homeless, but i've been through a bad marriage - well, probably 2 failed marriages, cause i really don't think this one's going to last. i've been on welfare, i've been on prozac and ritalin, i've been messed up and alone, and in the end, in spite of all my wonderful supportive friends, in the end the only one who could pull me through it all and get me back onto my feet was myself. prescription drugs helped for awhile, but to be honest, probably not any more or any less than the pot did. and when it came right down to it, although the prozac made me feel better, there was no way i was going to get well until i came off or it and faced the pain and accepted it, and dealt with it consciously over time. most of these drugs were never intended for long-term use, and haven't been tested long-term, either. so take them while you need them if you need them, but for the love of gods don't take them longer than you need them. and many studies have shown regular, healthy exercise to be just as effective, so whether you're taking meds or not, get out and move your muscles.

at various points in my life i was diagnosed with one disorder or another, but really when it came right down to it, once the labels and the limits and expectations that went with them were cleared away it was still myself i had to deal with, not a disorder or a list of symptoms, me. i felt labeled and processed by the mental health system, not healed, and i think the magic realization for me was understanding that just because they have certificates on their walls and know how to assign the diagnostic labels and how to process my case doesn't necessarily mean they understand me, know what to do about me, or have any magic answers. i think all in all the system is just too large disorganised and understaffed for anybody to know and nderstand their clients, let alone how to help them, and that's why so many of us feel processed.

right now it's very easy for me to whine about how messed up my marriage is, and i admit that i have been doing just that. and the temptation is strong to get drunk or stoned or to fool around with my cute, young, curly-headed sketching buddy, and allow my life and behavior patterns to decend back into comfortable, familiar dysfunction. but right now, if for no other reason, i have 2 little ones depending on me to keep my head and get us all through this, and so that's exactly what i have to do. maybe i'll end up leaving this marriage eventually or taking a serious lover or more likely having a summer festival fling, but i can't afford to be stupid, neurotic, or self-pitying about it, because my kids need me, and even if they didn't, i can't go back there.

i can't and won't pretend to know what you're going through. i don't know what these rumors are that you're referring to, or why you think people might not like you. i do know that, at least through the words on my screen, i've experienced you as a fairly nurturing, supportive and courageous person that i probably have things in common with. and i think, althouogh it may be hard to believe yourself, that when it comes down to it, there is nothing wrong with you and you are able to cope just fine. there may be things wrong with your behavior, thought patterns, habits, or brain chemistry, but there is nothing wrong with you. you may not feel as if you can cope, or you may be coping in self-defeating ways, but you do have it within you to cope. and i think you have a strong enough mind to pull yourself together and do just that.

now, get some sleep. the morning is not that far away.

 

You are a very wise woman. I enjoy reading your threads.

 

woah, i have you fooled!

 

Basically most ppl have said what I was thinking of saying. If you really want to move forward in life, you've got to change the way you think sometimes. I have had a shitty life as well but it doesn't do me any good to dwell on the past because it will only keep me in the past and I would be missing out on the present and future. Most of all, you need to treat yourself with lots of love because you are the one who lives with yourself for the rest of ur life. I have talked to you a few times on MSN and I can tell that you are a sweet kind hearted person but you need to show yourself that. Showing other people is awesome but you need to show yourself that you care and love yourself as well. So many people forget about themselves and that's mostly why they have a hard time coping with things.

 

my thoughts probably won't help you much. but the only thing i really dislike is the causing of harm. my world does not begin, end or be about only individual members of the species we call human, but rather about places. the rocks of a hill, the foliage of a mountain side. even little furry creatures with big sharp teeth. these do not coercively corrupt my mind or deprive my freedom to see nature's diversity. lunch is part of the natural world. maliciousness is not. nor does reality judge persons, it only insures that for everything that is done, something happens. and not always the same thing. but rather some kinds of things happen more often when some kinds of things are done. innocence and detatchment are the key. not indefference to consiquences. that is not the detatchment of which i speak. but rather the calmness of nonattatchment to the coerciveness of others. there is a rain of tests and a rain of blessings. and there is no one upon whome both do not fall.

nor is the innocence of which i speak ignorance but rather and only no wish to cause harm.

 

thanks everyone. i dont know what else to say.... you guys are wonderful.

 

hey you want a 4-leaf clover? i've been finding a lot of them this year. pm me if you want one & i'll send you one.

 

awwwwwwwwww yes, ill send you my address.

thanks!

 

sorry i have no stories to tell about how I know what yer goin through, cus, i don't know. but i love ye! hope everything all works out good for ye.

and kitty, love yer poem



Rory.

 

if you mean my sig, it's not mine. it's from "ripple", by the grateful dead, one of the songs that has my husband threatening to throw the stereo out the window if he hears one more time. naturally, i keep it on "repeat", just for him.

 

There is a road. No simple high-way.

Between the dawn and the dark of night.

And if you go no one may follow.

That path is made for your steps alone.

 

that has to be the coolest damn song in the whole damn world!

 

i ADORE that song too!

like most dead songs!

well yea, tribute band in less then two wks. im excited!

 

I would think everyone is tired of listening by now?
Talk about someone being an ENERGY VAMPIRE and ATTENTION JUNKIE!

 

wizard drew.... please stop bad mouthing me when i was away.

i spent the past four days feeling reatively good and i once again should have known before then to post anything about my life here so i am gonna lock this.

but before u talk crap on someone you dont know from a hole in the wall, shine a mirror.

namaste.