Lies your parents told you

"I won't cum in your mouth".

You lied, Dad.

 

the tooth fairy

 

There's an old house around the corner from me that looks like it was built by a blind child with broken Lincoln Logs. Its in the middle of two shopping centers and probably only stands because the owners fought for it. Well my aunt used to tell my cousins and me that the residents would kidnap people (mainly kids) and chop them up into pieces so small that they would use them to rebuild furniture and thats how it stood for so long - on the bones of dead children. Great aunt.

Anyway, my parents used to tell me as we drove by, if my room wasn't always cleaned that our house would start turning into the "Broken House" as it was called. Well this freaked me the hell out. Second to being killed in my sleep, being poor and homeless was a big fear of mine as a child.

Well one day, I was heading into my mom's room as my younger brother was running out. We passed at the door and I turned to see a nice log of shit on her carpet. I'm sure she would have been a bit more angry if I hadn't fallen into a fit of tears. I was screaming about how we were going to live in the Broken House now because my brother dropped a steamer on the floor. My mom was cracking up

 

That everyone I love who dies will go to heaven and live on clouds in the sky, that Santa, the Easter Bunny, etc. are real, the watermelon seed thing, there are alligators under restaurant booths (to keep us from crawling under them - never believed that one cause I'm too smart, lol) if your make a face like that too long it'll stick, that babies come from heaven (that was the answer to the baby question when I was like 4 I think), lots of religious-related answers to all my origins-of-life questions as a kid. Also she had a weird hangup for awhile about "taking the name of the lord in vain" by saying "oh my god" and such. They know I'm an atheist now and seem to accept it. My mom's religious beliefs have changed over the years, she's more agnostic now (I think in her heart she wants me to be Agnostic as opposed to Atheist, but I'm pretty secure in my lack of any belief). She used to be a lot more into religion. My stepdad has never been religious because he grew up in a strict, fundamentalist church, and he doesn't talk about his personal beliefs and has never tried to inject any into me or my sister. My mom was the outspoken one about that.

 

And I've cracked up reading some of these things, but at the same time how hard is it to just tell your kids the truth about things? I guess it takes a really smart and patient person and sometimes kids' questions can be kind of out there and harder to answer in a way that the kid will understand. Also, sex questions asked at age 5 can get simpler answers than questions asked at age 12. I guess it's probably just really difficult for parents to know how to approach their kids' curiosity about life, or enforce behavior even. I know some lies are there to give kids a more convincing reason to behave other than just good behavior for good behavior's sake...haha

 

Oh jeez, I so learned how to be passive/aggressive from my mother the same way! Took me years to correct it in my adult life. I love how our parents unintentionally screw us up sometimes!

 

Anything that would get me on their side.

 

Other than "you're gonna go blind doin' that", my actual parents didn't have the time of day for me.

 

my dad once caught me drinking straight chocolate syrup and told me that i could get brain damage from doing that.

the rumble strip on the edge of the highway was gremlins under the car, taking our engine apart.

you had to pick up your own golfballs at the shooting range after you were done, so you should try not to shoot them too far

if children go into the living room on christmas eve and see santa claus, he turns them into bunnies.

all the little quarter rides outside the grocery store were broken/out of order.

my little dominicker chick was hiding in her overturned bucket for the winter, so i should not go near it or it would upset her. that spring, she "emerged" a hen. (dog had eaten the original, took him way longer than anticipated to find another dominicker as a replacement)

all he ever had to eat as a little boy was barbecued spam sandwiches, so i should eat the food i had without complaint

when my little cousin was afraid of the mascot in a bobcat costume in the stands near us at a football game, he told her that the bobcat could "smell fear" and would be drawn to her as a result

yeah, my dad was pretty mean, but fun

 

If I didn't wash my hands after playing with salamanders that I would grow a second head. Never forgot to wash them.

 

That I'd go blind if I masturbated.
That I needed to wear underwear or my penis would stay small (as a child) forever.
That gay people were a mistake made by god.
That I'd go to hell if I was gay.
That gay bois don't live past 15 years of age.

Hugz
Bobby Gay Boi

 

I don't think I've really been lied to all that much

 

"This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you"

BS, that belt freakin hurt.

 

Santa

Edit: Thought of one my mother told me when I was 16, she found out I was having sex and said condoms don't really work and that i'd get pregnant.

 

That it's better to be loved for who you are not than to be hated for who you are.

Yes, My parents were dicks.

 

Not much, just little lies like Santa Claus, and that if I didn't eat all my food, the food left on my plate would be upset because it wouldn't meet up with all its other food friends in my stomach lol, I was a really gullable kid

 

My folks said some whoppers to me, not that I remember specifics. The exaggerations I tell my own son have pushed all of 'em outta my head.

 

they made me think that if I unscrewed my bellybutton ...my bum would fall off


thats totally untrue

 

My dad told me that growing a beard did not do anything to protect your face from cold weather. That is total bullshit. I found that out last winter when I stopped shaving right after Thanksgiving and by January and February when I was shoveling all those multiple feet of snow out of my driveway, my face did not get cold. Even when I came in the house with pellets of ice hanging off my hair and beard my face was comfortably warm.

Don't know if he was actually lying to me because maybe he really believed it.

 

LOL bbad! Mine told me that my tummy would fall out. Not as funny a scenario.

My parents told me all kinds of whopper lies. Usually when parents tell lies, it's to keep their kids safe. But my parents lied to me because they thought it was funny! My dad told me that grain silos are actually housing government missiles, which is why farmers are so rich. My mom told me that moles or "beauty marks" were remnants from when humans evolved in Africa, and that eventually I would turn completely black - and that it happens to everyone. These were both when I was little bitty.

BUT my parents got more creative as I got older. When my dad let me borrow his pipe for the first time, he told me that his grandpa gave it to him so I had to be careful. The pipe actually had already been broken, and when it heated up it fell apart! I was soooo scared to tell him. But in reality, he had bought it himself and he didn't care about it at all. He didn't even remember the lie he had told me about it!

I realized that the lies weren't malicious and were just for jokes as I got older, and saw them telling my little brothers the same kind of crap.