Let's talk.

Paddy's walking home from the pub when he finds a woman tied to the railway track.

He frees her and takes her home where they make passionate love all night.

The next day Paddy's drinking with Seamus when he boasts about the night before.

"So what does she look like Paddy?" asks Seamus.

"I don't know," replies Paddy. "I haven't found her head yet!"

 

Cumulative Like, Dr. Arthritis in my click finger.

 

"Is that the Ballycashel Echo?" asks Mick.

"How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?"

"Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?"

"A ten-foot ladder," said Mick before slamming the phone down.

A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.

He says: “So what’s bothering you?”

She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”

"Certainly father," she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”

Drunk priest


An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

26 things Irish people always do as soon as the sun comes out
Forgetful doctor

Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."

"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"

Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

Irishman on couch

What do you call an Irishman sitting on a couch? "Paddy O'Furniture."

Car park

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.

"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"

Tequila shots

Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.

The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.

When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.

The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”

Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”

The barman asks: “What do you have?”

The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”

Way to Cork

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"

Billy replies: "In the car."

"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.


Dog walker
Gerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day.

One day Mr Connors is on his walk without the dog.

His pal Billy sees him and asks: "Where is your dog?"

Mr Murphy answers: "I had to have him put down."

"Was he mad?" asks Billy.

"He wasn't too pleased," Mr Murphy replies.

Doughnuts

Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand.

Paddy says to Mick: "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both."

Obituary

Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary.

In a panic, he phones his friend and asks: "Did you see the paper?! They say I died!"

The friend replies: "Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?"

Whiskey

An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"

The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."

The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.

The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"

City workers

Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

Manhole

Mick and Paddy are walking along when Mick falls down a manhole. Paddy shouts down: "What shall I do?" Mick barks back: "Call me an ambulance!"

Paddy then jumps up and down screaming: "Mick is an ambulance, Mick is an ambulance."

Indicators

Two Irishmen were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car's indicators are working.

He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."

 

​

 

No chat today???

 

It's the annual St Patrick's hangover.

 

Thanks Candy gal---great way to start out a day--laughing my ass off!!!

 

You want more jokes?

 

Oh yes, dear!

 

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

 

A woman has sued a hospital, stating that after a recent operation, her husband had lost interest in sex.

The surgeon replied "all we did was restore his eyesight"

 

!!!!!!!!!

 

On another subject-----son #1 looked at 18 roofs over a couple of days and so far, 9 have committed to using us. We're damn lucky that our company has just hummed along during this crisis. So many have suffered.

 

That is true. x

 

Treat stressful situations as a dog would.....

If you can't eat it, or hump it,

Piss on it and walk away.....

 

Look what I've found !!!

 

Oh my. lol

 

Strange!!

 

Candy what do you have to say about that video