Let's talk.

Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai.

After a year, only three applied for the job.

A Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his sword and *SWISH!*, the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.

What a feat! exclaimed the Emperor. Number two Samurai, show me what you can do.

The Chinese Samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box releasing a fly. He drew his sword and *SWISH!SWISH*, the fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered.

"That is skill," nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number Three?"

The Jewish Samurai, Obi-wan-Cohen stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his sword and *SWOOOOOOOOOOSH*, flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room, but the fly was still buzzing around.

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly is not dead!"

"Dead? " replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy .. ~ .. but circumcised?"

 

hahahahahahahahaha

 

I can't talk anymore. I am too tipsy. Xxxx

 

I bet you can still play pool. lol

 

I can now cook my Turkey. lol

 

Hi Folks, I'm back - had a wonderful time across the water in the Emerald Isle - a lovely Xmas day lunch in a five star hotel (before the lock-down occurred on Boxing Day) and home cooked meals and take-aways subsequently - these too were all very good.

Batteries have been re-charged and am ready for the fray yet again with Boris and the scumbag 'nasty party' and his accolytes !!!

 

Welcome home Vlad.
Happy New year. Xxx

 

Welcome home Brandy!

 

I'm all about the five star hotel! Seriously... that's my swag.


I'm glad you had a nice time, Vladimir. Glad to have you back!

 

I feel lazy today.

 

Does lazy like it!!

 

Hahaha yep. X

 

A ventriloquist is touring and one night he’s doing a show in a club in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual act including his repertoire of dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly a blonde woman in the middle of the crowd stands up and starts shouting at the stage.

“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?”

“What does the colour of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?”

“It’s men like you that keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and men like you continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to stutter an apology when the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little shit on your knee.”

 

An elderly couple are having breakfast in their house, it’s their 50th anniversary, the man says to his wife, “ 50 years ago today we were sat at this very table both of us stark naked” , “I remember “ says the wife, “ shall we get naked again” so they both strip off and are sat there without a stitch on. “ you know my love” says the wife, “my breasts still burn for you like they did all those years ago “ “ well “ the husband replies, “ I’m not surprised, ones in your tea, and the others in your porridge “..

 

Met a new prostitute in town last night. She's a midget. I gave her eight bucks to go up on me.

 

8 bucks?

 

Donald Trump visits an elementary school



Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes.

They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Mr Trump, "that would be an accident."



A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted businessman. "That's what we would call a great loss."



The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Mr Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

 

On the night of his inauguration, Donald Trump is visited by 3 ghosts



Early in the night, FDR appears. Trump asks him "how can I make America great again?" FDR replies "think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets" Trump's face sours "FAKE NEWS!" he screams and FDR disappears.

Trump falls back to sleep.



A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington's ghost. Trump asks "how can I make America great again?" Washington replies "I would suggest you never tell a lie", which infuriates Trump. He screams for his bodyguards but Washington is already gone.



Around three in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, he asks "how can I make America great again?"

Lincoln thinks for a bit and says "go to the theatre".

 

Post Tortoise.


While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President.

The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain:

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."