An Englishman, an Irishman,a Welshman, a Scotsman, a Jew and a Catholic walk into a bar and the barman says, 'bloody hell, what's this some kind of joke'
A rich man is approaching a narrow bridge on a country lane in Ireland, in his new Bentley he thinks he's king of the road and isn't about to give way to the scruffy old tractor coming the other way, the tractor driver for his part is equally determined, no way is he giving way to a snob in a posh car! Predictably they collide on the narrow bridge, there's a terrible crunching sound as metal meets stone, the Bentley driver suffers several nasty injuries but all he seems bothered about is his car, first on scene is an old catholic priest, 'lie still my son, you've a nasty cut on your head' he tells the man, 'never mind my head, look at the car, it's a write off' he cried. The priest notices a bone sticking through the mans leg, 'calm down, stay still my son, you've a badly broken leg there' he tells the man, he looks down at his blood soaked jeans, ' oh no, my best Armani jeans' he yells, the priest then notices that as the car as hit the bridge it has taken the guys arm off just below the elbow, ' here hang on my son, let me do something to stop the blood, you've lost your arm' he tells the man, he looks at his arm, sll that's left is a bloodied stump just below the elbow, ' fucking hell, my Rolex watch' he screamed.
I've just had one of those moments when I realised just how amazing some people really are, I was watching one of those programmes about accidents and a couple of kids a lad aged 13 and a girl aged 14 were in the car with their father and he had a heart attack, they didn't panic though, she rang 999 and started to try and do CPR and he rang his mum to tell her what had happened. Eventually a bloke stopped and they got him out of the car so they could do CPR properly, several ambulances arrived and the bloke was taken to hospital, he eventually made a full recovery. How refreshing it was to hear something good about kids, not just bad stuff, what was even more remarkable was that even though they were dealing with their own father they still remained calm enough to do what had to be done. I've attended many incidents and accidents over the years and there are always 2 types of person on scene, those who just want to stand and stare like it's a freak show, and those who just panic and cause more danger. I remember attending an RTC many years ago, it had happened outside a busy pub yet the scene was deserted, until a few minutes after I arrived, the car had flipped and the female driver was trapped inside. Suddenly this bloke appeared clutching a large rock, his rescue plan was to hurl it through the window, climb in and drag the casualty out! If she wasn't badly hurt already she would have been when the rock went in, it was all I could do to stop him carrying out his plan. At another scene I was administering first aid to a motorcyclist when I became aware of someone watching me, I looked up, straight into the lens of a video camera, apparently it's owner had just finished filming a wedding and rushed over, not to help in any way, but because he thought someone would want to buy the video! We hear very little of the good stuff kids do and too much of the bad stuff, in these difficult times we need to hear more positives and less negatives.
Mines not like that, she hates vets but likes a challenge, she goes in all pumped up, 'ok mate, lets see you try anything nasty and watch what I do'. It's hilarious at times, my old vet was great, my dog isn't good with blokes and my old vet was female, within reason she could do stuff but if I said the dog needed muzzling then she took my word for it. She left the practice and next time I went this bloke came out, I told him the dog was better with women and he was like, 'no problem, I've years of experience I can deal with this' he also ignored me when I suggested sedating the dog for the particular procedure. Round one, he attempts to carry out a procedure that the dog isn't keen on, a five minute scuffle results in him almost getting badly bitten, finally he admits defeat and sedates the dog. Round two, the dog is now muzzled and sedated, he carries out the procedure and injects an antidote to reverse the sedation, I advise him to step out of the room while the dog comes around, I am well capable of monitoring her in case of a problem, but no, he insists on staying in the room. The dog opens it's eyes, it feels like crap and is totally annoyed, whatever happened is clearly this mans fault. She attempts to get up but cannot so she lies there growling under her breath, still the vet remains in the room and the dog is getting more annoyed! Round three, The dog eventually gains control of her legs and realises she can stand up, more importantly, she can now deal with the 'problem'! She leaps up with a growl and knock the vet flat on his back, fortunately for him she is muzzled, he legs it through the door and she is doing her best to get him. I lead her out and pay the bill, a head pops around the corner, it's the vet, 'she ok now?' he calls out, the dog looks around, 'him again' lets out a loud growl and we head for the exit, ' he'll come again and next time I'll have him' she thinks, and believe me, she will. For a so called 'experienced vet' he should learn to listen to the animals owners, it may help him live longer, there's a good reason why I have £2 million pound public liability insurance on my dogs.
I thought he was Mr Bean, or at least a very close relative!The guy is a complete TIT, once again we're having a lockdown and once again it's half arsed, schools and universities are proven to be breeding grounds for the virus yet he refuses to close them. Well Boris is drinking in the last chance saloon, he'll not get chance to have a third lockdown, people will be rioting in the streets.
Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?" Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?
Little Johnny's father asked for report card. Johnny replied, "I don't have it." "Why not?" His father asked. "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
During a lesson little Johnny yawns extremely wide. Teacher tries to make a joke: "Johnny, don't swallow me." He replies: "Don't worry, teacher, I don't eat pork."
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully, he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"
A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?" "Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa. "And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest. "Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.
A bit behind The times there on Soviet Tank evolution You have the T80 , T90 and the latest T14 Armata . The latter is probably the tank that puts them on equal terms to Western Tanks . The AK 47 was superseded by the AK74