Finding partners is not an effort to find a fix. I have nothing to fix. It's pleasure. An acceptance that I have a sexuality that I am comfortable and eager to fulfill. Because you know what......we die, and my own enlightenment has shown that I have a responsibility to live fully. As for my divorce. Husband is protected from knowing about any activities beyond the first one which took place in 2011. Given that divorce is inevitable, he and I are in divorce counseling to navigate through this peacefully. It includes looking at the mental well being of our remaining child. My son is aware.....next step is to figure out if 2 houses is better than one. My vote is no as I am the primary caregiver. We also have convenience and economics to think about that will keep the stress level lower than if we were to live two places. Staying in the house under these conditions does not have to be tense. In fact, me now compared to me 12 years ago when this misery peaked, I have calmed way down from the extreme anger that I had then. Meanwhile, I search desperately for a job, volunteer at the school, work for the track/field team, attend to my college-age daughters topics, practice tennis like a maniac, deal with my fears, anxiety, sadness as best I can (without psychedelics). I can see how you would react violently if you were in this situation. Hell, you react violently just reading about it.
OK, yes. Trying to unfeel is the easy way out. I'm thinking too that it's impossible. Since last monday night when all this surfaced, we've been able to bring it back very positive. I'm proud of us. Yet, in my core.....I'm scared because of the dependency I have.
I can't settle down anyway. For now, I am a mom and want to be with my son. And true, to cut it off and give it time is probably wise. Yet, I don't/won't/can't give up. We have too much good, and isn't life about incorporating good wherever/whenever it comes.
