learn to unfeel

Discussion in 'Free Love' started by calgirl, Apr 24, 2013.

  1. calgirl

    calgirl Senior Member

    Ever done it? I'm going to try.

    Recently I got carried away with one of my fuck friends. He has feelings for me, I have feelings for him too. I took it upon myself to make him exclusive, and he didn't reciprocate. So I'm going back to casual with him. Wonder if it can be done.
  2. odonII

    odonII O

    Don't understand the need for fuck buddies. Sorry.
  3. enhancer13

    enhancer13 Senior Member

    Isn't the whole idea of fuck buddies not being exclusive and not having feeling for each other? I thought that is why some people like that sort of arrangement. I know before the relationship I am in now a gave it a go and found it was not for me. Left me feeling like a number.
  4. Manservant Hecubus

    Manservant Hecubus Master of Funk and Evil

    Sex is awesome
  5. Duck

    Duck quack. Lifetime Supporter

    If one has over stepped the initial bounds, and not the other, the sex should be stopped to preserve the friendship. Unless the friendship is worthless without the sex, then the relationship should be lost anyway.

    Fuck buddies should make clear at the beginning whether their relationship will be exclusive or not; one should never expect the relationship to change unless they are going to fully commit. There is no reason for half-steps, except for the longing for a relationship, in which case, a fuck buddy may not be best for that party.
  6. mintsweets

    mintsweets Guest

    Unfortunately when feelings get involved, its time to either make a move for coupledom or else walk away. yes, burn your bridges and stay walking without looking back. Fight your feelings if he doesn't reciprocate because you are simply at the bottom of a downhill slippery slope. Sorry for being so harsh but the truth hurts - you have an agreement with him. Fuck buddies. That's it. Don't blend the lines here.

    When I say the above, I say it from a man's point of view. If he says he has feelings for you and then doesn't show it, he is confused himself and is probably being defensive so that he won't get hurt.

    If on the other hand, he shows no feelings towards you, and is using you for his own pleasure (albeit safe in the knowledge that you are using him for your pleasure) then you have no option but to walk (or run) away from the situation in order to protect your fragile heart from breaking.

    I have had fuck buddies - but it is often a phase I go through when I'm on the rebound from one relationship to another. I have used and have been used. The above is simply my advice to you based on my own experience. Life is difficult enough to get through and we all need escapism from time to time, things get complicated when feelings and emotions get involved.

    Best of luck x
  7. Mr.Writer

    Mr.Writer Senior Member

    It sounds like you two are developing what's called a relationship :). If you're scared and feel like running, that's unfortunate, because maybe there's something here that you didn't have with your husband. Either way, it sounds like your mutual feelings are genuine, which is a good thing; so what about your worldview makes this suddenly a bad thing? Maybe a good look at your view on things is in order. You like him, he likes you. Most people would not conclude "run".
  8. NoxiousGas

    NoxiousGas Old Fart

    Or you could try dealing with the shit-storm you currently have going on.
    Get your divorce,
    get your career back on track
    get your own place (cohabiting with your soon to be ex is just stupid and sounds more like your afraid to completely be on your own, doing it "for the kids" is BS)
    stop thinking so much with your pussy and get YOUR OWN shit sorted out before you continue to pile yet more crap on top of the shit already in your life.

    Grow up please, you're acting like a teenager.
  9. eggsprog

    eggsprog anti gang marriage HipForums Supporter

    but you're typing like one! *rimshot*
  10. NoxiousGas

    NoxiousGas Old Fart

    Yup, I see your point, that error completely invalidates everything I posted.
  11. QuietPerson

    QuietPerson Member

    First and foremost, I'm sorry you got your feelings hurt. Pain sucks.

    What you lost was the exclusivity, rather than the person. I'm not a big fan of putting any "categories" or "labels" on relationships, because I've learned that people are going to do what people are going to do--and I wouldn't have it any other way. What would I rather--someone stick around because she has an exclusive commitment only to QuietPerson (even though she might like someone else too) or someone who sticks around because she genuinely enjoys my company and wants to be around me at least semi-regularly? I prefer the latter, not because I unfeel, but because I care enough to realize that someone ultimately is only going to stay if they want to, as long as they want to. I would also never tell someone I truly love that she couldn't have more love. That just never made sense to me for some reason. I know it's supposed to be human nature, so...maybe I'm from another planet, I don't know.

    In other words, it might just be that monogamy isn't working out for you right now. If it's ultimately what you want--regardless of whether it makes sense to me or anyone else--don't give up on it...but if it is what you want and it's not what he wants, neither of you are likely to be happy. There's a difference between unfeeling and realistic.

    I hope you find some real, actual joy with someone or someones who give a damn about your heart.

  12. calgirl

    calgirl Senior Member

    Yeah that is the purpose. Then things get out of control. Can I go backwards? Maybe.
  13. calgirl

    calgirl Senior Member

    The feelings are mutual. In FWB's case, he has a longtime other lady in his life he cares about. In my case, a longtime man I cared about had recently faded out.

    I knew about her going in, and as long as I stayed "playful" it didn't matter. I kept her in the back of my head and never asked what he was doing. For myself, I had lessened my other fuck friend arrangements because I was quite content. Then it surfaced that he was still seeing her, while I had mostly eliminated all mine.

    This crisis came up on monday, and we seen each other every night trying to work through it. We resumed our sex last night and it was very nice. He and are cannot commit to each other. Our life circumstance does not allow for that. So despite ANY feelings, that is what we face.
  14. calgirl

    calgirl Senior Member

    Yes, it became very complicated, and we have had 3 nights of very heavy discussions, and tons of tears (him too). We do agree that we both want to see what develops. So we will continue as close to about the same as we can, knowing that we both also have private lives. I've informed him that it needs to be balanced, and so I will drop exclusivity. He doesn't like that at all. It might be a deal breaker for him because I don't think he'll end things with the important other lady.
  15. calgirl

    calgirl Senior Member

    It is genuine, yes. I don't want to abandon the good we have. Emotions make it painful for me given he has a woman he cares about, and painful for him given that I'm committed to being present in the home for my remaining child (age 16). So with several talks, we're going to try to adapt/adjust to these new conditions. It might not work....we don't know.....we'll let time be our friend. If last night is any indication, we might be able to get through it.
  16. calgirl

    calgirl Senior Member

  17. calgirl

    calgirl Senior Member

    This makes a lot of sense. I made the same point to him. What a great thing to have 2 people he cares about, 2 people that he admires, 2 that care about him. Shouldn't we all wish this for each other.

    He is super good to me in all ways when we are together. It's quality time.

    So, I have to accept that he can have a private life.

    Going in I knew she was in his life. And rationally I could see he wasn't the type to end valued relationships. Which is exactly why he asked that we keep trying. Yet, when this privacy(s) come to the surface, the pain is terrible. So, theres a lot of discipline to not make it a topic.
  18. Manservant Hecubus

    Manservant Hecubus Master of Funk and Evil

    The one thing fuck buddies always forget about: oxytocin.
  19. MamaPeace

    MamaPeace Senior Member

    I had a FWB a few years back, very convienient as we were part of the same group of friends, and we lived down the same road so it was really easy, 30 seconds walk.

    We went on a few months, until one night whilst having a drink we decided to cut it off as we could both see we were going to start liking eachother past the FWB arrangement. So we did, went our separate ways, still lived on the same road for a while, no upset, no hurt, no hassle at all. We knew a relationship wouldn't work between us, we had lots of differences in our lives and niether of us really wanted to commit to anything more than casual sex.

    If he has another lady in his life then I'd probably cut it off for a while and see how you feel after some time alone. The other female could end up causing trust issues and jealousy. FWB are great because you can have sex, passion and feel desired without the commitment, but imo a FWB should stay that way, chances are that they aren't going to be looking at settling down or they would have probably mentioned it.
  20. NoxiousGas

    NoxiousGas Old Fart

    not sure if that was sincere or not.
    I know my posts can be uhmmm "blunt" so let me rephrase my first post.

    What I read from the sum of your posts is a person who is in an emotional whirlwind with divorce, kids, affairs, career, etc., and you seem to have some notion that finding/maintaining various sexual partners will somehow "fix" things.
    You need to take some time out for yourself and spend a lot of that time looking hard into the mirror. This is where psychedelics shine, in self examination, touching on a prior convo we had.

    Like I said, finalize your divorce
    get your own place, it is unfair and selfish to all else involved for you to expect to maintain the household in the same manner. Your kids will appreciate/benefit much more from your honesty and getting on with an actual split.
    Can you also see how absolutely selfish it is to expect your soon to be ex to continue to live in the same house with you, knowing about your myriad past affairs and ongoing dalliances ???
    Honestly, I would probably react violently if I were him and you proffered that solution.
    Just pull the band-aid off and move on.

    Focus on your career and getting yourself established as a single entity, something which can be hard for a divorced women of our age.

    Stop worrying so damn much about getting laid!!!!!!!
    All you are doing is trying to gain and bolster your sense of value and self worth through these various affairs. Understandable considering your world is being rocked and shaken, and I'm sure you have some measure of guilt overall concerning your part in the dissolving of your marriage. Not saying it's all your fault, just acknowledging that divorce is harsh on all involved and usually both parties are at fault.

    Is your value really determined by how many men want to fuck you?

    Seriously, a period of celibacy so you can focus on YOU would probably do a world of good right now.
    Celibacy never killed anyone, promiscuity has though, ;)

    I wish you the best, but think you should settle the stuff going on now without further complicating things with yet another relationship.

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