Last night I...

thanks for your kind words Gentle *hugs*
i wanna fight this feeling, i want to get out of this darkness.. i know i can, i've done it so many times before.. but i don't know, everything just seems so hopeless right now, i feel so weak..

and i wasn't looking for sympathy and pity when i posted this.. i don't want people to feel sorry for me, i can't stand that. i guess i don't really know why i posted this in the first place.. maybe it was the wrong thing to do..

 

The only way you'll ever be happy is facing your problems. Yes I know everyone hates Scientology but there is a term they use called a Black Panther, the Black Panther being your problem. You have choices on how to deal with the problem, you can

A) Walk Around the panther and avoid it for the time being
B) Pretend the Black Panther isn't there and walk right into it
C) Or you an take the Panther head on, and kill it, solving your problem

Right now, your using Choice A). Any problem you have in any walk of life can be avoided, but not for ever. Your problem will be there when you cut yourslef, it will be there when you wake up, it will haunt you forever. Self mutilation may seem like an easy answer for the moment, but easy answers are rarely the best. Whatever is making you question why you had to be born is a problem. Life is for living, and loving, and jamming. Not for you to linger around questioning why you entered this world. Life is short, so why not live it?

 

wow, you're my age.. you seem alot older.. lol anyway..

i know what i'm doing isn't right.. but things are just so messed up right now and i feel like i can't controle things.. it's just too much. i don't know what to do..

 

You can't control everything at once. Take it little by little. It sounds like your on overload. Don't dive head first into your troubles.

 

i wish someone had told me that before...a little too late now..

 

It's never too late until you make it so.

 

*hugs*

 

*hugs back* Things will get better.

 

not at all it helps to talk about it scream it!!! I never got the impression you were looking for sympathy at all I was just saying to avoid it as it's the pitfall
keep climbing out and you will find the ropes and hands to pull u up if u need help
I just really have no doubt whatsoever u will be fine
just a very rough path and I've been there but on the upside it's mind expanding and a great source or knowledge even if it just feels like suck now
ok fine I will HUGZZZZZ ya back but Im 34 so I better not get arrested k?
peace
Gentle

 

thank you for your support Gentle, you even brought a little smile on my face.. that would be the first time today...

i thought things were going good today, i talked to some people at school which i haven't done in a while.. i thought that maybe things would be ok after all..
than tonight someone said something which just made everything fall apart again..

I feel so selfish! I don't feel like i have the right to feel sorry for myself... and i'm starting to feel like i don't have the right to be happy either.. Who am i to cry when so many people in this world are hurting?? Why should i feel sorry for myself when i've got everything... i'm selfish.. so so very selfish.. and it just makes me hate myself even more..

God, i promised myself that i would never hate anyone or anything again.. And now there is one person that i hate more than anything... myself

P.S. Hug away.. if anyone asks i'll just tell them that you're my hugaholic uncle or something.. haha

 

Don't let someones words tear you down. You said you feel selfish. Well I don't know what happend to make you feel so but all you can do is learn from it, and forgive yourself. You need to learn to not feel guilty for things that are in the past. You need to realize whatever you did was bad, but not to bear guilt for the rest of your life. Everyone, from the lowest depths of life to the highest deserves happiness. You are no exception. Just remember you can get through this, don't let this stop you from being happy.

 

i feel selfish cause i feel sorry for myself.. and i hate that. i don't want to feel sorry for myself, i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.. i feel like i don't deserve that.

i know i might be talking crazy here.. but i just can't help the way i feel.

 

Don't feel selfish. Feeling sorry for yourself does not make you selfish. You aren't talking crazy either, feelings can't be helped. If you don't want anyone to feel sorry for you then don't let them. You and you alone has the most control over how people see you. Take a breather, relax, then get back on your feet.

 

I was on a downhill spiral for ages which only ended when I nearly died twice in six months (unrelated), after the second stupid mishap I started to get it together that there was so much more that I wanted to do more than feel sorry for myself (no meanness intended here), so yeah, maybe it'll take some time but things will get better, and being a little more proactive couldn't hurt either, I started putting myself out there more with friends and family and the world reciprocated just like people said it would, just remember that it takes time, and don't get into drugs because you're depressed, that's how I nearly kicked it the second time, a little drinking and a little weed are my only vices now and the world is good

 

That would never fool anyone, this "hugahlic uncle" they would only believe pervy uncle and more so b/c I'm a notorious butt grabber but at least I admit to it. lol I know it would be nice to think awww thats not true he wouldn't do that but my past record shows that I do! lol My g/f has to be careful which friends and co workers she brings home b/c of this behaviour. One of her friends from works who I no stop hit on was coming out her with her kids for my daughters birthday and she called at 8 am that morn to ask my g/f if I would be talking about her body or butt grabbing with all those people there b/c it would be embarrassing as I'd done it in the past. Yea sexual harrasment or just plain funny it's all just words, words words! And for some reason these women actually like me and condider me a friend and nice. Or maybe that was a fiend and I got it mixed up lol so no never trust me in that regard! lol Im a very strange dude who thinks that behavior is acceptable and even if I thought I'd get charged Id still do it b/c it's funny. Brings up the q how I have a g/f and even moreso how the hell she has been with me for 15 years but I guess the fact she can kick my ass in a fight easily if need be is security enough for her. yea really man don't let anyone control your emotions or hurt you with words. First of all you don't even really know why they said it even if it seems obvious b/c it's impossible to know anothers mind in anyway and it's all so complex. You have to let the words hit your ears, then intrept it your own way and feel that way about it. So really u have to make up all these fictional reasons in the first place to be hurt by. And face it people say stupid insensitive things all day long everyday wiithout knwoing why. Man when I was in grade 7 my self esteem took a beating from a girl that I had a crush on b/c she just turned on me one day after being friends for about a year. Then it got worse as she started to call me loser and fag and talk about how ugly I was everyday literally for the entire year and then she was in my class the next year. Of course after awhile I just took it to be the truth of things and hid my face from all girls for about 3 years straight thinking I was the biggest loser on the planet. I wouldnt even try to talk to a girl after that and I spent many painful nights in tears crying with self hatred. It was a nightmare going to school so bad that I used to get stomach aches everyday before school. Its a wonder I didn't turn out a serial killer instead of a butt grabber but who knows I may yet. lol
no my point is after all my grades fell and I fucked up all through highschool b.c she got her friends in on it I found out years later she had done it because she had heard I had called her a lesbian(nothing wrong with the term I know but she was a youbng insecure girl) and many other nasty names I won't mention here. None of which I did or ever would have dreamed of doing b/c I was a very shy, quiet nice kid. Naturally some other kid had said that I had done these things to her b/c he was jealous and liked her. So all that over nothing, a mistake. Ok im going on forever here and it prob sounds like I must still care now or be upset by it lol
no I remember it for the lesson it taught me when I found out the real reasons she had treated me that way and just how wrong I was about the whole thing and how I proceeded to start destroying my own life then over that. lol jeez Motives can be anything or nothing but we shouldn't let our minds make up reasons for it and my problem was I never said then ummm whats this about? lol
There is nothing wrong with emotion either so don't be ashamed of it and don't start looking at the opposites such as "I have it so easy" or so hard
blah its all just the chattering monkey in your head. Tell it to zip it b/c u have stuff to do and gag that monkey. Hell just today I had bit of a breakdown and fell apart because of my health probs right now, Im in alot of pain most of the time. So I could look at it how others are selfish for whinning about nothing(as if I could judge that) or I could think about the fact that I don't live in New Orleans now or Iraq and just have pain so I have it too easy to complain. See, its a mental game that makes no sense whatsoever man. And when we are in pain our mind will go that way.
Anyways I've been the tough guy for about a month of this shit now and today I lost it and simply told my g/f and daughter I just needed a little walk and I smiled and went out. I walked back to the woods by the lake here where nobody goes and Id be alone and balled my eyes out like a baby. Tears pouring off my face I was moaning, crying, cursing my life and fate. If someone had heard me they would have thought I was a child in great pain. I over did it man I cried much more than was even called for b/c the idea is just get it all out and cleanse it. I knew what I was doing ahead of time, planned it and let it all out. If I know Ill be home alone and feel this way Ill do it here. Who cares its good for you. Once u empty those emotions, half of them so irrational u can think clearly about things again. Buddhists do it, Hindus its just not cool in North America I guess but id rather be sane then cool. Its almost like being on mushrooms or lsd without having to use any drugs just the mind and planning. Like a bad trip is usaully just someone fighting off what there mind needs to go through and by fighting it the trip goes bad b/c of the heightened perception telling your mind what it needs. But u don't need any drugs to do this. Go insane to find your sanity is the key. Many people do it once a week just to keep the mind sane and keep it all in perspective the rest of the week. Like the cutting you do it releases the emotional pain right? But u can do it without scars. You are on the right track just using a harmful method to achieve it. Your problem isnt being too weak now but being too strong trust me a person can only cry so long if they let it all go. And by not doing this u are carrying the pain and slowly letting it come out at times u prob don't want it too.
We cant judge a persons pain or tell them to suck it up; thats bullshit and unhealthy. pain is subjective, personal and cannot be measured from one person to the next. Don't listen to that u have to be tougher and pull yourself together young woman crap b/c it doesnt work and lacks all logic. Find a place, go insane then get your persective back in life. Its not something u can do with all this in your mind spinnig u around. cry, yell, scream alone and in safe enviroment where u feel comfortable punch, kick the ground like a baby b/c your mother didnt love u enough or buy u the right toys when u were 2. of course its illogical these emotions all are and we all have them in diff forms and degrees as tough and together ase like to act
there is no shame in this its a responsible way of dealing with irrational emotions and thoughts in a world that can spin u out
besides its better to cry and yell all day if u have to one day then breaking down by bits everyday.
or ill grab your butt and you can kick the living shit out of me!! either way get it out
dance till u drop in your room get creative like i said the cutting is just one form and not a very effective one u don't need scars to do this
and if im wrong at least it costs u nothing and we can find a new plan.
go crazy responsibly and come back cleansed
good luck
peace
Andrew

 

I find the analogy with the Black Panther to be a very good analogy with good points.

I also find the analogy with the Black Panther racist. Out of all the animals in the world, they pick a panther? And then make him black? Then instill in you that the best solution is to KILL it?

But that's just me.