Last Christmas - Latest edit of manuscript's first chapter

I agree. I like the writing, but don't particularly dig the way it's spaced. You definitely have a talent.

 

Most writers have a trunk full of unfinished material by the time they get to print.
Steven King - who is very popular and prolific, no matter what else you can say about him - has sustained his later career on what he put into that trunk before Carrie was ever published.

If you're itching to write something else, and have momentarily lost the feel for this one, there's no harm in setting it aside. Come back to it when the muse takes you there, or don't come back at all. A good writer needs to be in the zone with what he's working on, or it won't come out the way he wants. That's why some writers take 10 years to complete a single book.

For my money, a story well told is better than a piece of fine writing. Grammar and punctuation have their place, of course, but if there isn't a good story teller behind it, it's just a study in proper English. I think you have the ability to tell a good story.

If I had one critique, it would be to not over use, or start so many sentences with, the word "I". It gives your voice a very staccato feel.

 

Well I am not really a fan of first person as prose but I wanted to have little dabs of it to put you into the mindset and psyche of the character in that real intimate way it does so well, it just felt good for the general story I have in mind.

Really, I like your advice - it's what my gut's been telling me to do deep down inside anyways, and actually I am getting into writer mode right now (by not sleeping, dunno why but it gets my creative mind going) because I've thought of how to execute this idea I had a long time ago for something a bit more experimental that I think I can really get into because it's satire and the world pisses me the fuck off =P

 

please portray for us the world you would love .

 

Hey Duck,

I just got done reading your piece (about a year late) and all the comments since. I can't give any better advice than given.

If it doesn't make a larger story - it is an interesting little short as it stands. As Trig said, don't hesitate to leave it in a trunk somewhere until you are really in the mood to pick it up again. (I have a little sci-fi piece from 1984 that I may get back to someday - unfortunately Splice just took a lot of the wind out of that one )

But keep at it. You have a way with words.

 

Thank you, Shale.

I think I've been afraid to:
a) write anything else
b) screw up what I originally had in mind


I might finish this story still, lately, I've had ideas on it. It wouldn't be the same concept I originally thought of, and it may not even be worth writing anymore, but I would like to give it a shot. If I do ever finish the second chapter, I'll post it for sure =P

If I start anything else, I'll post that instead.

 

Duck, I accept your offer to consider belief in God vs non-belief. I'm pretty busy today, but I do want to read over that chapter you sent. I'm also a writer, and I'm working on at least two books, one a novel and the other non-fiction.

I have found that it is quite easy for atheists to point fingers at non-believers and demand evidence of God's existence. I've also found that, upon examination, that atheists really don't have a particularly strong case to present. By me, either you can prove what you believe or do not believe, or you can't, and in this case, neither theists nor atheists can prove much of anything.

As a young man, I was a math and science whiz, and I still do my best to keep up with what's going on in science. One of the things that I'm constantly reminded about is how little science can actually prove, and I see non-believers falling all over themselves putting science on a pedastal that looks exactly like the kind of faith that true believers are supposed to have.

OK, I've got to go, but I look forward to our discussion. Take care...

 

Duck, I read your chapter, and I think that you most definitely have a flair for writing. You are good with language, you can capture a mood and create characters. As I understand it, this is a first chapter, is that correct? Are you still working on this book, or have you put it on hold?

I am also a writer, and, over the years, I've had quite a few things published. Do not give up on your writing; it is something that you can do and get better at doing for the rest of your life.

Based on what I have read of your chapter, you have the makings of a good and interesting book. I'm curious where the story goes from where you left us. Best wishes!

 

have no crit really... just really enjoyed reading it.... keep on writing... you have talent for sure

 

I'm no litterature critic ... but it's well written ... possibly over the average ...
Great story ... Don't change anything ... but keep writing !!!

 

Hello my duck buddy,

I honestly want to read more. So good job holding up with a decent short that can keep the attention of a impatient and cold person.

I like the edits but to be real brief I want to offer at least one bit of criticism. And it goes like this:

I feel the dialog between the men at the bar was a bit clunky and flat. It moved the plot along but I feel you can add more depth and illustrative color.

I have a few continuity issues as well. I hope you can help me out and make it clearer.

I'm not sure what to make of the transition from the bar scene to the 'Christmas reflection' or how that all is supposed to flow. Was it a reflection on the part of the narrator of a past situation? It seems that something was cut out. Sort of like missing 10 minutes of a movie. I wasn't sure if the ex girl friend was at a hospital or what...it was hard to sort out where exactly the location was and why.

The transition to the what I call the "Christmas reflection" scene from the bar dialog, both the entrance and exit it of it, of how it was introduced and closed, made for clumsy exposition.

Still, was the narrator always in his car or what? I can't figure it out.

I liked how you managed to develop more of the narrators character at the very end. I was surprised in a real good way to learn a few more details about him that were not associated with is depressive state concerning the Ex. good job.


Well written , save for a few awkward passages. Nice job Duck.



One last thing. What motivated you to get behind this type of story?

 

I love you.

No one was pointing that out. One person even called it realistic =S I rushed through with simplistic dialogue, figuring I could fix it up later.

I can definitely see where the confusion was. He was in the car, then he went to the bar, then he was at home. I wanted rough cuts, but I think they could've been done much more clearly.

Thanks.

It was the first time I was happy in years. I was courting a lovely girl, that seemed to like me back (we've been dating for 3 years now =P). And as I was looking at the road on the way to my Aunt's at Christmas, I felt a sort've sadness, with my "dark" state of depression and morbidity leaving me - like I would miss it. Then, "It Wouldn't Be Christmas Without You" came on.