I've been married for a year and a half now. I moved out of state with my husband a year ago because his job requires him to be here. We started dating in 2011. Anyway, my husband rarely wants to have sex and when he does 90% of the time we end up failing and arguing. A lot has happened in our relationship, a lot of fighting especially. I am not going to pretend like I'm innocent it is equally both of our faults. But lately I feel as though even if I try to be as perfect as I can, nothing changes. He's always says he's too tired to have sex. That's after playing video games for 4 hours after he gets home from work. Don't get me wrong, I love video games as well but I also love sex. Once he finally does want to get intimate he expects me to always be touching him but he neglects to satisfy me in a way that I want. I don't mind BJs and I willingly give them to him but I miss the days when he used to be all over me and love sex and make me feel like a goddess and all that bullshit. I don't ask for much either. I don't expect him to give me oral or anything. I would be content with fingers. I have told him this multiple times and yet every time we get intimate he does the same shit. I don't get wet. We don't have sex. I'm 20 years old for heaven's sake and I want to be f***** by my husband. I get moody off and on because of this. He doesn't think that people "need" sex as if it isn't an extremely important part of a relationship. Well, with me it is needed and it is important. I get that a guy doesn't want to have sex with a bitchy woman but even when I'm not bitchy it still doesn't happen so I am stuck in a rut and don't know what to do. I suggest counseling and he says that I'm the only one who needs it. Plus, if I did arrange it, he would just refuse to go because it takes up one of his evenings out of the week. He used to be amazing in bed. Always wanting and willing. I loved it. But we might have fought so much that it will never be the same. It will always be awkward in some way. He feels as though he is owed everything just because he's in the military and that I should expect nothing of him. I feel like a child being denied candy. I don't feel attractive and I feel unappreciated and undeserving. I'm almost hopeless at this point. Should I leave and wait for someone that's better for me?
Problems in the bedroom are often a reflection of problems outside of the bedroom. Perhaps if you and your husband could figure out why you fight, and deal with that, the bedroom situation would improve. While angry sex can be fun once in a while, over time it just turns into angry and disappointing sex. If he won't go to therapy, then maybe you should consider going alone. It may help you understand your marriage better, or why the two of you fight, etc. While it would be ideal for him to join you, don't discount how important getting some outside help/insight for yourself may be. It may not fix the issues in your marriage, but it can help you learn to deal with the stress, avoid the fighting, or just understand what is going on. There is a lot of anger, resentment and frustration in your post that comes through, clearly, so I do hope you find a way to manage to tone things down....not just for your marriage, but also for yourself. If not therapy, perhaps yoga, meditation, or perhaps a hobby that gets you out of the house once in a while to unwind. There is no quick fix until the two of you deal with the underlying issues (why you fight, what changed in regards to your sex life, etc). Until you address the mental/emotional aspects, the physical side of your marriage is highly unlikely to improve. It took both of you to get where you are now, but sometimes when one person seeks help (ie: therapy) and actually begins to understand what the underlying problems are (people often don't fight about what is really 'wrong' so nothing gets resolved, and resentment builds) they can be the voice of reason that helps their partner work through their problems together. It doesn't always work that way, but at this point could it hurt to try?
Thank you for your advice. I really wouldn't mind going to therapy on my own. He tries to say that I'm the only one that causes the problems so maybe a therapist can help me decipher whether or not that's true. I just want things to go back to the way they used to be before we started fighting. This is literally the only relationship I've been in that I've ever experienced fighting.
I don't know what you guys fight over but I do know that one thing that has helped me in my marriage (been married almost 12 years-together 15 years), ....when there has been fighting (arguing) in the past--the way things became better was really all about communication. Making sure you both tell each other how you really feel about things and view things and what's important to you, acceptable, not acceptable.... but learning to discuss these things in a way that there is no yelling, or name calling or insulting.... learning to just state your point of view on things in a matter of fact way and being listened to and then listening back when the other person explains things to you. Both acting in a respectful manner towards the other person. It sounds so simple and it is simple but it's not necessarily easy. So def. seems like your husband and you need to have a talk like that-probably more than one of them. Proper communication can fix...change...a lot of things for the better. I also do not think it is right AT ALL for your husband to be withholding sex and general affection from you. My relationship has been far from perfect at times in the past and still isn't perfect, but I must say my husband has always had the love and respect for me not to act in a childish way like that. The counseling (even by yourself) may do you well to gain some perspective.
Thank you! Yes we definitely have issues communicating. I'm always on edge because of this whole situation so that makes it worse.
Many marry at 18, I did, just about 19 and we went well for 9 years. Yes we did eventually drift from each other on the ninth year but we parted as friends. Funny how we managed all them years but as we grew it turned out the way it did. I have to say it was his interests in things that changed the most and mine didn't go his way so we agreed to part. We didn't fight much and we had great sex and I don't regret a day of our marriage, he never did hurt me or put me down. It was like that old pair of jeans, finally we both needed a new pair and we both saw it happening. I didn't take him for nothing, just took enough for me to start off and went on my way. Could we have tried harder? Probably but by that time I was interested in taking my own adventure so it was an easy decision. Being suddenly poor taught me a lot about myself and gave me a lot of strength I didn't know I had. OP, try the counselling if you love him enough still and if it don't help then consider moving on, this can't go on forever. Sex makes a big part of a relationship, without you might just go nuts and you probably don't deserve that when there could be many who'd be happy to be with you. The advice above by the others is great, giver all you got and then consider other options if needed.
Stacie, feel free to PM me if you would like to talk. Understand upfront, I do not take sides, or indulge in pity parties or blame games. So, if you want some straight up advice, or suggestions on where/how to get help, I am happy to help you. (I can talk to you about my qualifications privately if you need to know what they are.) You have been given some good advice to start mending your relationship, so if you don't PM me, at least take some of what other's have said to heart. Work on your communication. The best advice I was ever given about relationships is "Pick your battles" and over time you will come to realize most things you fight about aren't worth the trouble. I know you want sex and affection from your husband, but it really is hard for some people to overlook hurt feelings, resentment, etc. Meaning, don't beat up on yourself because he isn't in a loving and horny mood. Emotions can wreak havoc on a person's libido. There is just emotional clutter getting in the way right now. Everyone goes through those phases in a long term relationship, it is what you do to get past it that matters. You have taken the first step in mending your marriage, and it can be a hard one to take. I hope whatever you choose to do from this point helps you figure things out.
Yeah communication does wonders for your relationship and really cements down some trust. I used to.. Hide isn't the right word.. Be pretty mute with some of my feelings and the moment I did open up and communicate, man it did our relationship wonders.
it's sad that you're in a one sided relationship, I really hate to say this but you are only 20 years old. If after a year it's this bad then put some serious though into whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy. You aren't happy now and it sounds like you have tried some things and it's gotten you no where. Think long and hard about what you want out of life...
I went to a shrink To analyze my dreams She says it's lack of sex That's bringing me down I went to a whore He said my life's a bore So quit my whining cause It's bringing her down
