Kelso Wars Episode IV : A New Dope

Interesting Fly Fact : Fly-Gonn Gin is the second coolest character in this entire story. And I should know, I've seen the ending!

 

Don't suppose you could add Lozi Losbourne could ya? *bats eyelashes and pouts unattractively*

 

...though not,......lolop.

 

You'll have to offer sexual favours............

 

WHat about me?

 

"Nice one, old man." Sun remarked. "But what do we do now?"
"We go and rescue the princess!" Exclaimed Fluke.
Sun stared at Fluke, then looked at Fly-Gonn. "Rescue the princess? Are you two on some sort of drugs?"
"No!" Fly-Gonn protested. "Well...yes. But they stop the voices coming to me." Fly-Gonn suddenly stopped, and gazed into thin air. "Oh no...one of the voices is calling me...it's saying..." Fly-Gonn strained to hear. "...it says The Simpsons isn't on tonight because the cricket is running over."
Sun looked at Fly-Gonn, bewildered. "The voices in your head tell you the TV schedule?"
Fly-Gonn shook his head. "Usually they prefer the radio."
"Anyway, guys..." Fluke got back onto the subject. "How do we get rid of these stormtroopers? And how do we rescue the princess?"
"Hmm." Fly-Gonn rubbed his beard. "There's got to be a way...ah! I've got it! You two go and rescue the princess, I'll go and take out the main generator!" Fly-Gonn began to run for the exit hatch.
"Wait, Fly-Gonn, you need..." It was too late. Fly-Gonn had ran down the hatch, and was already making his way to the hangar doors, randomly bopping troopers on the head and kicking them in the knackers. Sun looked at Fluke. "Is he always as mad as that?"
"You don't want to know the nickname they gave him on TattyOne..."
"Hmm. Anyway. I think that our best bet is to take the troopers' armour. That way, we can get through without being noticed, and get to the prison block. From there, you can find this so-called princess and save the so-called galaxy with your so-called Farce skills."
"Sounds okay to me."

***

"Aargh...damnit...I told you we should've checked the armour sizes first!" Sun complained as she tried to puff her belly out to fill up the huge space between herself and the armour.
"You think you've got it bad?!" Replied Fluke, trying to breathe in armour that was probably ten sizes too small for him.
"Shut up. Anyway, it's too late to swap now, there's not enough time." Sun gestured to the exit hatch. "Lead the way."
"But I don't know the way!"
"Then guess!"

***

"Hmm..." Fly-Gonn rubbed his beard again as he watched the pair of troopers guard the main energy generator. Then he struck upon an idea. Summoning all his Farce influence, he used his wisened skills to play an ancient mind trick on the two unsuspecting muscle-heads.
"What did you just say?" Trooper one turned to his buddy. Fly-Gonn crept around the room as his trick distracted both guards.
"What?"
"You said you'd had my wife!"
"What the...no I didn't!"
"You did!"
"I didn't say a word, mate!"
"What the...oh, it's probably just these long shifts." They returned to their vigil, but it was too late. Fly-Gonn had already got into position, right behind the generator. He leaned over so he could see the troopers, and yelled at the first one.
"Hey buddy!" He yelled, making the two troopers spin around in shock. "Do you have any nudie pics of your mother?"
"What the f...no, I don't, wh..."
"D'you want to buy some? Hahaha!!!" Fly-Gonn jumped around 180 degrees and mooned the pair.
"Do I want to...what the...arrgh! Kill 'im!!!" The two troopers began to shoot at the old Farce master, but their aiming was, once again, useless. Instead of hitting Fly-Gonn, all their shots went straight into the generator. Fly-Gonn pulled his pants back up and ran for cover as the generator's stability field ruptured and the meltdown began.

The two troopers stared at each other.
"You know, you remember the advanced weapon training course we attended?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm beginning to wish we'd stayed for the full half hour."

The generator exploded, taking the troopers and most of the generator room with it. For a second, the entire station was pluinged into utter darkness.

***

"What was that?" Sun looked around in alarm as the lights came back up.
"I don't know. The main generator must have failed, but I guess they've got some sort of auxiliary generator."
"Right. So now we can see our way again. Where are we?"
"Umm...well..."
"You don't know where we are, do you?"
"Yes I do?"
"Okay genius. Where are we?"
"Lost." Fluke replied. "Hopelessly lost."

***

After destroying the main generator, Fly-Gonn had begun to make his way back to the ship. But as he made his way silently back to the hangar, he stopped and stared at what he saw in front of him.
He knew he couldn't escape.
"Oh wow..." He murmered. "The cafeteria sells cheesecake?!! I've gotta get me some of that!!!"

***

"Hang on...let me just check around this corner..." Fluke checked the corner. "I think I know where we are. The corridors look familiar."
"They look familiar because we've passed through this corridor before. Fifteen fucking times."
"Hmm. Well, if we keep on going round, we're sure to find what we're looking for."
"Fluke." Sun hissed. "Shut up and ask for directions."
"What? Me? Ask for directions?! I know exactly where we are!"
"So do I." Sun replied. "And that's why I'm asking...umm...this guy! 'scuse me sir..."
Fluke turned his head, embarrassed, as Sun went up to the PLOKs officer and asked for directions to the prison block.

***


"See, that wasn't so hard!" Sun exclaimed.
"What do you mean?" Fluke replied, exhausted. "He took one look at my boots and told me to do fifty press-ups!"
"He did say he should be able to see his face in them."
"Well, he probably could. When I kicked him in the face. Damn slavedriver. Worse than Uncle Bush."

***

The two finally got to their destination. Fluke pressed the door activation and there, still listening to the robotic Pete Waterman, was Princess Mercy.
"Princess?" Fluke began to untie the restraints that held her in place. Then, as they became loose enough, she took her hands out of the cuffs. Then she looked up, smiled, and proceeded to kick Fluke in the stomach, elbow him in the head and kick him in the nads.
"Oww! What the..."
"Think you could keep me captive, PLOKs scum?!" Mercy kicked Fluke in his stormtrooper helmet.
"Hey, hey, wait!" Sun pulled her helmet off before she became the victim of Mercy's rage. "We're here to save you."
"You're here to...ohh fuck..." Mercy grabbed Fluke's arm, pulled him back onto his feet and tried to brush off the dust on his armour.
"Huh, wha hapen?" Fluke staggered about for a while, before falling over again.
"Looks like we'll be carrying someone back to the ship." Sun smiled as Fluke tried to get up again, stumbled, then fell face-first into the wall.
"Well, we'd better get going..." Mercy went to leave, but then stopped. "Oh, wait..." She took the unconscious Fluke's blaster from his holster, aimed at the robotic Pete Waterman and fired off seven shots. The cyborg record producer exploded into a million pieces.
"That's for making Will Young a household name." She whispered coldly.