Just not feeling it...

Discussion in 'Love and Sex' started by FNA, Jan 30, 2005.

  1. FNA

    FNA Member

    I was having a really emotional week (winter blues kinda thing) and I wasn't really in the mmod to have sex with my girlfriend, but I felt I had to to ensure her that nothing about her was bothering me. I was so of emotionally though that I was completely impotent. Now, ever since then, I've been impotent with her, even if I am in the mood. I feel nervous that it's going to happen again, and then it does. I can't relax with it anymore. And now she thinks it's because I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore, that I'm bored with her. I tell her that's not the case, but I'm not too convincing when it keeps happening.

    Thing is, I think I am bored with her. I want to fuck other people, and it's getting harder and harder to hide that from her. But I don't want to lose her, cause I still love her, and I won't cheat on her. But I need to experience myself sexually on a larger scale. How could I do this without losing her? Fuck, I don't even know how anyone could answer that.
  2. i think if you love your g/f, trust her sensitivity and empathising capabilities and tell her how the ground lies. if you love her, it's not right to keep her in the dark. if you didn't love her that'd have been another issue, but you're particularly clear on that point. so, then you might have bad fights and even worse moments of regret, but in the end if you love eachother you'll understand that there can be an exclusive room for further sexual adventures beyond a successful love relation. if your g/f doesn't believe in this and do not feel the same way as you do, you might just consider giving your relation a second thought, cause no romantic/sexual relation can exist w/out understanding. but if even you can't understand or support the way you feel, then i can't really telll you what to do. first make sure of what you feel, what you believe in, and then pursue those paths w/out flinching. it may hurt, but still... anyway, that's only my way of looking at it.
  3. browneydgrl

    browneydgrl Member

    *gives FNA an apparently much needed hug*

    im sorry, i dont have experience in this area, but i do know that if this particular problem happened to my boyfriend, i would want him to tell me about it...i can see why your girlfriend feels the way she does, as she does not know the truth and has no other source to go on but the obvious (he must not find me attractive). if he told me what was going on, we could try to work on it/fix it together (could be fun ;)).

    as for wanting to have sex w/ other people but not lose your gf, i do have a theory... you may feel the need to sleep w/ others to prove to yourself that you can still get it up (new partners often have that effect).

    give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt, tell her about it, and if you guys cant work thru it, then perhaps you can explore others avenues of, er, exploration
  4. sugarmaggie

    sugarmaggie ~Green Eyed Devil~

    Do you feel like there's anything you two could do together to improve your sex lives? If you love her, really love her..then it's worth talking over and trying to work through. It's so much easier to go off fucking other people when your sex life gets boring with your partner. The thing is though, the most awesome sex comes with someone you truly know and feel comfortable with. Not just random people. Depending on how open minded she is, you most likely won't get your cake and eat it too. If you want to keep her, then you need to talk to her and stress the need for exploration in the sex department. She'll either be willing to please you, or she won't. Sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. If you're just downright not attracted to her anymore, then there's probably nothing you can do about that. Just remember to take her heart into consideration while making your decision. There's no need to waste each others time on something that just isn't gonna work. Good luck sweetie..:)
  5. FNA

    FNA Member

    Thanks everyone. I'm still trying to figure out a way to tell her that without her dumping me on the spot. What makes things worse is that the other night when we were drunk, she brought up that she was planning to go away to school in September. I had been avoiding that subjectm but she forced me to talk about it. And me, being the emotional stupid drunk that I am said that I didn't want her to leave, I wanted her to stay with me and she could go to school whenever (going there with her is not a possibility by the way.) Well, at the time, I meant it, or maybe I was just sick of fighting all night long, but now she's going to cancel her educational plans to stay behind for me. I'm a horrible person. Now I have to figure out a way of telling her to go and not put her life aside for me and this relationship which already has serious problems, without telling her that I don;t think we'll last. Cause as soon as I give a hint that I don't think we'll be together forever, she'll go crazy, and probably dump me. I want her to make a decision that ISN'T BASED ON ME. Tell her that if she needs to go, she should go, and if she can afford to stay, then stay, but....it's like she can't make a decision without me. I'm not explaining this very well. I just don't want her to wreck her life, just to get dumped, and then have her say "well, I stayed for you".
  6. DancerAnnie

    DancerAnnie Resident Beach Bum

    As far as the sex thing goes...I think you just need to spice it up a little. The same ole', same ole' sex routine does have a tendency to get old. Try sex toys, or having sex in a different room or a public place. Make every sexual encounter interesting...that might help. I think if you love her, you shouldn't just dump her because you want to have sex with others...that just doesn't seem right to me.

    As far as her leaving...well, she makes her own decisions. You aren't holding a gun to her head, telling her she isn't going to leave. And if she blames you if you guys do end up breaking up, that's her problem, it was HER decision.

    If she can't get it through her head that she needs to make her own decisions...well, then...I think you know what time it is...
  7. FNA

    FNA Member

    I know what you're saying, the problem is that I've put a false ideal into her head, and now I have to find a way to reverse it without fucking anything up, or getting into a huge fight.

    I hate fighting, not just because we fight, but because we never resolve anything. When it comes down to truth, it's not too pretty. But she insists on knowing the truth, so she asks questions that she can't handle the answers to. That's one good reason to break up with her - to end the fucking drama. It's so hard trying to coincide your life with another completely independant being.
  8. yeah, it's not just her own decision that she's making, you see dancerannie. she would have gone had this relation not been in the way. that she doesn't is purely because he says he wants her to stay back and she thinks he's saying the truth. that'd have made sense had he really wanted her to stay back, but not otherwise.

    FNA, i think you have your solution right there. let your g/f go off to the schools for the time being while not breaking off the relation finally which i don't think you wanna do. and now, with her gone, you can go in for a few one night stands and short time affairs (not real commitment-based things which will lead to further theatricalities of their own kind) to check out whether you really miss her, and what's your real state of mind. you dont have to decide right now. but if you realise you can't continue, or that you can't stick to her only, once the decision is made, you should let her know and accept whatever be her reply. and for god's sake, don't jeopardise someone's career by giving her false hopes. that'll be on your conscience for the rest of your life...
  9. FNA

    FNA Member

    Yeah, that's ideally what I want, the problem is explaining to her the need for a break. Every day this conversation becomes more iminant. And I know it's not going to go well. It never does. I either phrase something badly, or say something too bluntly - and then she's crying. And it just turns into me saying whatever she wants to hear to get her to stop crying. Man, I know exactly how this is gonna go down.

    ME: Look, I feel bad about saying the other day that I wanted you to stay home from school. (Her heart drops and she is automatically on the defensive) I just don't think you should be putting your schooling on hold for me.

    HER: What do you mean? I thought you saidyou wanted me to stay (She'll say something dumb like that, ask a question that has already been answered to get me to give as much info as possible, and eventually giving away a hint of a deeper problem. And me, being annoyed at the stupid question will have to fight not to say something snarky back)

    ME: I do want you to stay, but.......

    And then from there she is getting more emotional by the second, and soon is crying. And me, I can either try and act like the guy who really wants what's best for her, but she'll say she'll sacrifice it for me, or I can go with the direct route and say I need a break and our relationship needs a test. Of course I could never phrase it like that, becuase she'll automatically know that something is wrong NOW and want to resolve it now. Unfortunately, it isn't something which we can resolve now, and I'll have to find a way to explan that to her too. I just want a good amount of time to myself. And she's really cool about letting me have my time, but I don't think she'll understand that no matter how cool she is, she is still more intrusive than if we weren't together.

    Last night, we were out with friends all night, and when it was time to go home, she automatically comes with me. She has barely spoken to me all night, and now looks mad about something (she's avoiding eye contact). She comes home with me, gets into MY bed and just goes to sleep. No explanation or anything, just goes to sleep in my bed, and now I have to sleep next to this woman who is aggrevating the hell out of me becuase she's just gonna get mad over nothing and not do anything about it, and I now only have half a bed. I just wanted to rip the covers off and tell her to get the fuck out of my house if she's gonna be that way. Of course that would just cause more problems, so I have to put up with it. And when she wakes up, she turns to the wall, pretending to be asleep (but I know she isn't) avoiding any contact with me IN MY OWN BEDROOM. I go and take a shower and come back to find her fully dressed and sitting there watching TV. Doesn't give so much as a glance to me the whole time I'm in there, and I'm watching her like a hawk, just waiting for some kind of eye contact. Nothing. How fucing rude is that. That's time that I could have been relaxing in my place of sanctuary, but because of her, I feel like a prisoner. I could go on and on, but i don't have a point. Thanks for taking the time to listen to me bitch.
  10. dude, maybe this is a little late. but let her cry. sometimes dudes will do anything to keep a girl from crying, but sometimes the truth is awful. sometimes it's horrible. sometimes it really, really hurts. sometimes the girl has got to cry. even if you hate to see it, sometimes it has to happen.

    it sounds like you two are very unhappy. this post is a little old, but you recently left a post in the relationships forum that didn't sound too happy, either. (see "women are insane" in said forum). she cannot hold to you what you said when you were drunk about staying over your head if you decide to break it off/take a break with/from her. you need to be straight up with her, no matter how much she cries as a consequence. if she starts bawling, let her bawl. that may just be the way she deals with shit. maybe not the most grown-up way, but that's how she deals. even if you have to leave the room. some people use crying to manipulate a person. she may not be doing this intentionally, but i think us as girls are subconcsiously taught when we're little that when we cry, people will give us what we want. that's not true of the real world, though, and she should learn this now instead of later. she should learn to deal with change as well. if you break it off or tell her you want a break with her, it may be messy, it may be VERY emotional for both of you. it will be very hard on you AND her, probably her more. she'll most likely cry right when you tell her, and probably cry even more after the fact. and she might dump you right on the spot, but she might not. but in the long run, you guys probably will be happier. now i'm not saying "break up with her." just saying be true to yourself and tell her how you really feel, despite how she may react.

    much love and good luck :)
  11. RetroGroove_Grrl

    RetroGroove_Grrl I'm a big girl now

    sounds as though you want your cake and to eat it too.

    YOu want her, but not that much... but you dont want her with other people, but you want to be with other people....


    double standards.... I think so.

    The girl is not a moron, I'm sure she cant handle being without you

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