Just for laughs

Discussion in 'Church of the Good Earth' started by shameless_heifer, May 7, 2013.

  1. shameless_heifer

    shameless_heifer Super Moderator Super Moderator

    I thought we should have a Joke Room, we can post funnies in it and have a laugh once in a while. Feel free to post your joke.
     
  2. shameless_heifer

    shameless_heifer Super Moderator Super Moderator

    Here's a funny, enjoy :D

    A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, “It’s a lot of money!” The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office.

    The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash on his desk.

    The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, where did you get this money?”

    The old lady replied, “I make bets.”

    The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”

    The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

    “Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!”

    The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”

    “Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”

    The old lady said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?”

    “Sure!” replied the confident president.

    That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

    Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, “What wrong with your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I’d have the Bank president’s balls in my hand!
     
  3. shameless_heifer

    shameless_heifer Super Moderator Super Moderator

    and another,

    Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, That little gal is havin’ a bad time. I’m agonna go over there and help.”
    He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, “Kin ya swaller?” Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, “Kin ya breathe?” Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

    With that, he yanked up her skirt and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, “Ya know, it’s sure amazin’ how that hind-lick maneuver always works.”
     
  4. shameless_heifer

    shameless_heifer Super Moderator Super Moderator

    Poor Little Johnny,

    Little Johnny lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and Little Johnny hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and Johnnie determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

    One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so Little Johnny decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

    That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, Little Johnny asked why.
    The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn’t it son?” Little Johnny answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.” His dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree.”
     
  5. shameless_heifer

    shameless_heifer Super Moderator Super Moderator

    that's one way to do it..

    By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

    “ You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

    “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

    “No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”

    The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” Asked the manager.

    “Never better.”

    The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

    “Nope, I shut him up in no time.” Said the Marine.

    “How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

    “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
     
  6. shameless_heifer

    shameless_heifer Super Moderator Super Moderator

    Heehee,

    THE PERFECT HUSBAND

    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
    bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
    talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    MAN: “Hello”

    WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

    MAN: “Yes.”

    WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s
    only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

    MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

    WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
    I saw one I really liked.”

    MAN: “How much?”

    WOMAN: “$90,000.” ;

    MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

    WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and
    found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re
    asking $980,000 for it.”

    MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably
    take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you
    really want.”

    WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

    MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
    astonishment, mouths wide open.

    He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?”
     
  7. shameless_heifer

    shameless_heifer Super Moderator Super Moderator

    A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a …case of Bud Lite and puts it in their cart.
    ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife. ‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans’, he replies. ‘Put them back, it’s a waste of money’, demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
    A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of …face cream and puts it in the basket.
    What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband… “It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.
    Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Bud Lite and it’s half the price….’
    HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  8. shameless_heifer

    shameless_heifer Super Moderator Super Moderator

    Jack and Jill were getting married.

    Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says,
    “I remember when your mom and I got married.
    I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on.”

    “I can’t wear these,” she said.
    “Darn right,” he said, “I wear the pants in this family, and you’d better remember that.”
    “I think I’ll try that on Jill,” Jack said.
    He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.
    “Put these on,” he said.

    Jill replied, “I can’t wear these.”
    “Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you’d better remember that,” he said.

    Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.
    “I can’t get in to these,” he said.
    “Darn right,” Jill said. “And if you don’t change your attitude you never will!”
     
  9. shameless_heifer

    shameless_heifer Super Moderator Super Moderator

    Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Frank’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

    Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

    “Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”
    “Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’” I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
    And then she said, “Do what ever you want.”
    So, here I am.
     
  10. shameless_heifer

    shameless_heifer Super Moderator Super Moderator

    Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

    Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

    He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

    He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

    His son is also at the table, eating.

    Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”

    “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

    Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect
    order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

    His son replies, “Oh THAT…Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

    Broken Coffee Table $239.99
    Hot Breakfast $4.20
    Two Aspirins $.38
    Saying the right thing, at the right time…PRICELESS
     
  11. shameless_heifer

    shameless_heifer Super Moderator Super Moderator

    A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

    Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialed the employee’s cell phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.

    “Hello.”
    “Is your daddy home?” he asked.
    “Yes,” whispered the small voice.
    “May I talk with him?”
    The child whispered, “No.”

    Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
    “Yes,” whispered the small voice.
    “May I talk with her?”
    Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

    Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
    “Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman”

    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
    “No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.
    “Busy doing what?”
    “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” the whisper answered.

    Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
    “A helicopter.” answered the whispering voice.
    “What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

    Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed the helicopter.”

    Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

    Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle. “ME.!!:)
     
  12. shameless_heifer

    shameless_heifer Super Moderator Super Moderator

    A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the Desk sits down and says, “Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I’d really much rather have a job”.

    The welfare worker behind the desk says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur -bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You’ll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $100,000 a year.”

    The guy says, “You’re Joking!”

    The welfare worker says, “Yeah, well, you started it.”
     
  13. shameless_heifer

    shameless_heifer Super Moderator Super Moderator

    Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm , sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

    The 10pm news came on covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

    Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

    The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

    Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

    The blonde was very upset but handed her $20 to Bob, saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

    Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5pm news so I knew he’d jump.”

    The blonde replied, “I did too, but didn’t think he’d do it again.”

    Bob took the money.:)
     
  14. shameless_heifer

    shameless_heifer Super Moderator Super Moderator

    A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he
    pointed out the location.

    The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it
    to the rancher. “See this f***ing badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers
    given! Do you understand old man?!”

    The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later, the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up
    and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and
    yelled at the top of his lungs…..

    “YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR F***ING BADGE!”
     
  15. shameless_heifer

    shameless_heifer Super Moderator Super Moderator

    Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.

    The first man married a nurse.

    Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, “Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot.”

    The second man married a telephone operator.

    Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, “Wow, he’s one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom.”

    The third man married a school teacher.

    Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, “Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid.”

    At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher’s husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn’t call until much later in the day.

    The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse’s husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man’s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

    “Sir, what happened?” asked Jeff. “You married a nurse.”

    “Son, don’t ever marry a nurse,” the man sourly replied. “All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, ‘You’re not sanitary, you’re not sanitary’.”

    The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator’s husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man’s hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.

    “What happened?” Jeff asked with surprise. “Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices.”

    “Son, don’t ever marry a telephone operator,” the man groaned. “All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, ‘Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up’.”

    Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher’s husband would be calling at any moment.

    Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher’s husband called for breakfast.

    Jeff couldn’t believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple’s room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.

    “My goodness sir, what happened to you?” Jeff asked, fearing the worst. “Did you have a fight?”

    The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, “No. Son, when you marry be sure it’s to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, ‘We’re going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right’.”
     
  16. shameless_heifer

    shameless_heifer Super Moderator Super Moderator

    A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

    The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’

    Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

    However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

    She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?

    The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’

    ‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.

    So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

    After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

    She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’

    ‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’

    ‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.

    ‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

    Now, how about that drink?’
     
  17. FlyingFly

    FlyingFly Dickens

    This is what came to my mind when noticing this thread.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzp9YD1r6lk"]Just For Laughs: Gags - Season 9 - Episode 7 - YouTube
     
  18. shameless_heifer

    shameless_heifer Super Moderator Super Moderator

    AHAHAhaha THANK YOU FOR THE LOLS
     
  19. Justin_Hale

    Justin_Hale ( •_•)⌐■-■ ...(⌐■_■)

  20. Ranger

    Ranger Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    Workers Wreak Havoc During Home Remodeling Job In Oregon

    May 08, 2013 7:15 AMKCST radio reports the first man started a fire in the carport to get warm. When the fire got out of control, a second worker used an excavator to knock down the carport — but the fire had spread to a tree. Which explains why the workers cut down the 120-foot Douglas fir — causing it to crash on the vacant house they were fixing.
     

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