Journal #39, September 8: My sexual awakening (somewhat NSFW)

I originally wrote this as a response to a post on another forum, but for some reason it's not able to be submitted. Rather than let it go to waste, since I put effort into writing this, I figure I'd submit it as a post.

This is something I've written about many times on the Internet but never told a soul in person.

I grew up with the typical social and religious homophobia of the '70s-'80s, so in my childhood and teens I've told my share of gay jokes, for example. I was led to believe in homosexuality as somewhat wrong but nowhere to the point of some of these assholes like the Westboro Baptist Church, or the current Republican Party. Maybe I'd be ambivalent about social issues like same sex marriage if they were brought up, but I would never go out of my way to advocate for the restriction of the rights of the LGBT community.

As I got older my viewpoints matured and I became more sympathetic. College was a bit of an eye opener to me as I saw people being openly queer as if it weren't a big deal...as it shouldn't be. There were still guys who were still essentially little boys at heart who didn't "get it" but for those with at least some level of maturity there wasn't any fundamental difference between straight and gay people except the tendency to make babies. By the end of freshman year I was thoroughly convinced the LGBT community ought to have the same rights to marriage, adoption, etc. as the straight community.

That right didn't extend to my personal right to like guys.

There was one night when I was about 13 when I began fantasizing about guys. I don't remember the specific fantasies or even the guys. I "knew" it was wrong but the episode was so tempting and irresistible I went along for the ride and explored the depths of my still new sexual appetites at the time. I don't specifically remember the post nut clarity after that, but I know I was embarrassed as hell I even had the thoughts I had. I felt bad enough after every time I just masturbated (and continued to do so until my mid 20s or so)! The fact I had this gay fantasy was so horrible I never contemplated it to make sense of it. I remembered it but put it out of my thoughts.

But that isn't my big awakening. I write that off as hitting puberty and having all kinds of hormones affect you with volatile results, in other words growing pains.

My point was to say besides that night there were no clear indications in my life I had any interest in the same sex, until one weekend morning when I was 22.

Me and my roommates had gone out drinking the night before, which was apparent to me because I woke up hung over. By then we were living in an apartment off campus. This was not off the campus of one of those homophobic Christian colleges, so I should've felt relatively free at least to explore the same sex without harassment or abuse, and my roommates were certainly on board, as long as they didn't have to watch, I suppose.

Out of the blue the thought of sucking dick came to my mind, and then taking it up the butt. To my surprise and utter shock, I had no idea where the hell this came from. I found that those thoughts turned me on like nothing ever did before! Oh my God! The lust for a guy consumed me completely. I couldn't believe I was letting myself turned on so much, and by something the opposite of what I've always known to be my sexual orientation. I didn't understand it, but at the time I didn't want to understand it. I wanted a guy! I wanted dick! I wanted it so bad I put my hangups aside very willingly, though they were still very much there. Those intense feelings did get rid of most of the hangover.

But those hangups came back front and center after, you guessed it, post nut clarity.

While I was never so turned on before, I was never so embarrassed, ashamed and self conscious afterwards. The feeling now was I was being too permissive with myself. It wasn't wrong per se, more like crossing a personal line. It was hard to explain, but looking back it's probably best to say it was massive internalized homophobia. I was utterly unable to accept the possibility I like guys. What I had just experienced was a dirty secret I was going to take to my grave. It was a one time fluke that I was sure would never, ever happen again.

Except it did.

I don't remember the exact time frame, or the details, but a few months after that it happened again. And again. I don't think I was ever hung over while having these thoughts, and maybe they didn't hit me like a ton of bricks like they did that fateful day. In fact over time the desire did come over me gradually. But it came to a point I couldn't think of anything else! In the back of my head I know I didn't want to be having these thoughts, but looking back I also enjoyed having them, until of course post nut clarity.

I developed burner profiles as a bicurious guy.

This was the mid '90s. The Internet was in its infancy, so personals were also in their infancy there. I began to put up and answer personals ads seeking guys, not really knowing what I was doing or what my end goal really was. At the time there were also ads you could place and respond to by phone that appeared in local free newspapers. I placed and answered ads there too.

I also began to seek out forums on the subject and people who were in the same boat and those who had gone through similar and could help.

One interesting note is that I also broadcast on adult webcam sites when it used to be free to do so. One or two webcams at most had women were legit, but the remaining few were there advertising for paid broadcasting. Everyone else was pretty much split between straight and gay guys.

I would get on and start to take my clothes off when I noticed people starting to watch, then start playing with myself. I was hoping women would be watching but was perfectly happy having men watch, which is what happened most times. It was fortunate if one of the guys had a webcam up too!

The interesting thing was most of the guys would turn the cam off right after they came, which is what I did. But over time I wasn't quick to leave right away. I figured the guys watching got theirs after watching me cum, but if they wanted to chat for a few minutes afterwards it would be kind of rude to leave right away. I think in most cases I didn't even make an effort to put on any clothes or cover up, just casually talked with male strangers in the nude after they watched me have an orgasm. Quite an accomplishment for a guy who couldn't feel free to like guys, when even hardened gays peaced out after doing their thing and shooting their thing.

I kept an active alternate life online, until, again, post nut clarity kicked in. I would leave that behind for weeks, sometimes months at a time. A few times I removed ads and maybe a whole profile or two. Each time I felt so ashamed and embarrassed, and thought I would never turn back to that.

But I did.

Nothing ever happened with any of the personals. A handful of the responses went beyond a few correspondences, just like the opposite sex ones. I probably wasn't ready. I met very few people. All I remember is a couple. I actually made it to their house. It might've been cold feet, but I also might've felt uncomfortable with their vibe. He seemed to want me more than she did, and I didn't want to mess up their marriage. Maybe it would've worked if it was exclusively him with me.

Anyways the vicious cycle continued for years and years, but the time between became shorter. And with time grew some acceptance. By the time I was in my 40s I began to realize I have some kind of attraction to guys, though I hesitated to address it formally yet. The post nut clarity wasn't nearly as brutal, and by this point amounted to feeling a bit silly about myself at most.

However, I had mostly abandoned the thought of seeking guys, but mostly because online dating had become more regulated, but commercial, and I had become out of touch in using it. Plus, Craigslist was no longer doing personals ads anymore because of the infamous Craigslist Killer.

But then smartphone apps came around, some of which are not so good, but some of which show some promise. I've been playing around with Grindr and Scruff. Maybe something will come out of it. I have a good feeling about Reddit too! But I digress.

On the 4th of July 2019, I stepped outside and this thought spontaneously came to my mind: I am bisexual.

I am bisexual.

It was something I was unable to tell myself for over two decades. I have to say it again.

I am bisexual.

It's so powerful to say that! It's so powerful to admit this to myself by name. It was as if a big weight had been lifted off me. I was finally free to be myself. I "got it."

I've expanded on that a bit. I read about someone's slut journey online, and decided to declare my own version, a gay slut journey, my intention to be open to all kinds of homosexual experiences and have as much gay sex that I can. After all, I'm in my early 50s and I have so much time to make up for!

I'm still not 100% sure what all this means. I still haven't even been with a guy. But I know I want to! And I reserve the right to be with a guy, and to want to be with a guy. I want to feel totally free to explore, and I have the feeling I will like it.

It has been a long journey for me, and one that has no end in sight. Now it is begging for guys to join me. So take my hand and let's walk together, and maybe share some kisses along the way.

 

I like your post. Insightful.

However, and this is not a complaint and sorry about it, and I know exactly what you mean, but "post nut clarity" makes me envision a Post cereal ad. "Try Post's new Nut Clarity, it's deelicious!"

Again, sorry. I'm weird that way.

 

Well, I wanted to be as thorough as I could for the record.
Now I'm trying to imagine what kind of cereal Nut Clarity would be. Would it contain nuts that help with brain clarity? Would they clarify the kidneys? Would the nuts literally be clear from some bizarre GMO process?