Journal #33, February 16: Desperation (slightly NSFW)

I tend to put up these journal posts when I get in a certain mood. This type of post has to do with my desire to lose myself in submissive homosexual pleasure, and can get pretty sappy. I'm not saying I don't want to experience some same sex fun, but I'm concerned about my perspective.

When I get in these moods, the desire is consuming and my perspective is not the wisest. It's almost like an obsession. It's not even like I'm as horny as I was a couple of decades ago, though I do get horny. I'm concerned about where this drive comes from sometimes. I feel it's making me make unwise decisions sometimes. Honestly it's starting to scare me.

It seems like this drive is a compensation for something. Here I am middle aged with zero romantic prospects. Wild homoerotic fantasy is one way to fill the void. It does check off some of the boxes, including masking the pain. (If you read my last journal entry, there must be a lot of pain to mask!)

I'm not questioning my attraction to the same sex. I look forward very much to playing around with guys. But I don't want this openness to be a reason to destroy myself or to avoid asking uncomfortable questions, questions I have to ask myself.

What I'm getting at is what I really want, and need, is sexual contact and profound emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex. I have not felt hopeful of finding that in a long, long time. Something has to give. I can't hide behind another guy's dick any longer.

 

If you need more opposite sex interaction, then do what you gotta do to get it - it's not that big of a deal. A lot of guys get that taste of dick and tend to stick with it because, comparatively speaking, it's easier to get a guy's dick than it is getting a woman's pussy; it's convenient, usually no-muss-no-fuss, blow and go, thanks, I needed that, see you some other time and it can be like this until that need to be intimate with the opposite sex needs attention so... that's what you attend to. I wouldn't look at this as hiding behind a guy's dick; I would, however, look at it as a way to take care of my need for sex... while I'm trying to convince a woman to fill this role.

Where does the drive come from? You're a human male - that should explain it quite well and it's okay to be horny and slaking your lust on a guy - but you still have to make smart decisions and just like you would if you were chasing a woman.