I'm not as bisexual as I think I am. I let my hormones get the better of me sometimes and fool myself into thinking I actually like guys, or I like guys enough that I'd actually like to do things with them. If I'm truthful with myself and think out a scenario, I see myself feeling very awkward, out of place and wrong (not wrong as in homosexuality is a sin or any other such bullshit but wrong for me). The idea of bisexuality is hot, if that makes any sense, but if it came down to it I would not choose to make it a reality. And if my dreams are any indication, I'm further convinced I'm not bi. I have yet to have any dreams where gay sex is seen completely pleasurably. Any notion of homosexuality directed towards me always has an element of unpleasantness (closest word I can think of is yuckiness) even if there's also some element of arousal. Someone online years ago suggested my inclination to the same sex could be a form of thrillseeking, and I never let that notion go. It has always made some kind of sense to me. I have always been in a funk with my pursuits of the opposite sex, a funk that becomes more acute as my senior years are around the corner, my body doesn't quite do the same things it did in my 20s, and I haven't had built pleasant and worthwhile memories with someone, or at least pleasant and fun memories with several someones. I can see how doing something outrageously against my nature like doing it with a guy would add excitement in my life while addressing some profound neglect in my life. Maybe it wouldn't be wrong per se (as long as it would be with positive guys) as it would be just another experience, but would it put me ahead in any meaningful way? This doesn't mean I won't stop fantasizing about guys, or enjoying it. In a way this is easier on me than fantasizing about women because it doesn't result in disappointment or a broken heart. But to me it's a sort of empty promise. I'm not wired to appreciate the fullness of the same sex experience, just bits and pieces. Even then the want for it seems to be driven by need for something else. If this were meant to go beyond fantasy and into reality, it probably would've happened by now since this has been on my mind for a few decades. The Internet has been around the whole time and someone would have picked up on it there or in person, or I would've found a suitable opportunity. Shouldn't be hard, right? You hear stories where guys of all ages try for the first time but usually by my age (50s) they have tried. And guys are generally sluts. I wish I were bi. I like options, and I like to be able to draw upon varied appetites. And my sexuality is my business. I reserve my right to be bi. I reserve the right to be the shameless gangbanged slut on the gay slut journey I like to brag about when I get in a certain horny mood. I resent anyone dictating what I"m allowed to be. And I realize it's problematic to talk about absolutes. I'm not saying I would never, ever do anything with a guy out of principle. But if I were alone with a guy and he were to whip it out and entice me, I would not be inclined to take him up on his offer. If, however, hell were to freeze over and a lady were to drop her top and actually desire me, you better believe I would be all over her until she would come to her senses or the alarm clock would ring - whichever would come first. A fair warning to the guys: In case it's not apparent, don't bet on meeting me especially for sex. I'll chat online and there's a small chance I'd be willing to meet in person platonically. But even if I appear to be a complete hornbag online, it's just a fantasy. I have no intention or desire to do anything with guys really.
From my perspective, you seem to be ashamed of your thoughts. If you ever follow through with it, and do find a guy to be with, you won't regret it. If you spend the time to think this much about it, your bi...at least bi. It's ok. Enjoy it, you only live once.
Thanks for the vote of confidence as it were. I'm fine with the idea of being bi. I've given myself permission to be so. And to the point of fantasizing about doing things with guys, I know I love it! I know I don't want to neglect or deny that part of me, and I know that part comes and goes (the bi-cycle). It's just when it comes to actually doing anything with with actual guys. I'm not categorically ruling it out, and who knows, the spirit of a particular situation or particular personality could lead me to do something unusual. Shit happens as they say. But it's not what I really want. When you say "you only live once," I can't help but think of being with women, which is what I can't seem to make happen, which is what I kick myself over. The older I get: the more I realize how much I don't have, the more I realize how powerless I feel to do anything about it, the more I realize how alone I am, the more I realize my body failing.
Well now I seem to be swinging back to the homosexual side of my bi-cycle so I see your point from another perspective. I don't think it was so much shame as it was distaste, though maybe subconsciously there might be some level of truth to that. The trick for me for finding a guy and finding the opportunity is being properly aligned sexually at the time. It would be nice if I could psych myself out to prepare for the occasion. It almost sounds like preparing for an acid trip lol. If the experience is enjoyable I know I wouldn't regret it no matter how I swing in the future. I would remember it fondly though perhaps abstractly. And I do think quite a bit about having sex with men, don't I? The fact it hasn't happened doesn't necessarily mean it's not meant to happen. I have every intention to have sex with women and that hasn't produced impressive results over the years. Maybe I need to work some more on embracing my same sex desires. Having some experience with supportive people would no doubt help (and be fun). Thanks again for your kind and supportive words!
