jokes you wont offend the kids with!

Discussion in 'Humor' started by morrow, Apr 14, 2014.

  1. Terrapin2190

    Terrapin2190 I am nature.

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    A family of earth-tunneling moles were waking up one morning while the farmer next door was cooking breakfast.
    The mama mole popped out and exclaimed, "I smell bacon!"
    The papa mole popped out and said with delight, "I smell pancakes!"
    The baby mole couldn't get past the mama and papa mole and said, "All I smell is moleasses."

    What do you do when you have an injured pig?
    Call the Hambulance!
     
    3 people like this.
  2. expanse

    expanse Supporters HipForums Supporter

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    Lol! Moleasses!
     
  3. Rots in hell

    Rots in hell Senior Member

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    Paddy walks into work,and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says,What happened to your ears?

    He says,Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.

    The boss says,Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?

    He says,Well I had to call the doctor!
     
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  4. Rots in hell

    Rots in hell Senior Member

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    A man goes to his doctor and says,I don't think my wife's hearing isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do? The doctor replies,Try this test to find out for sure.
    When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.
    The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says,What's for dinner, honey? He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, Honey, what's for dinner? She replies,For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!
     
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  5. Rots in hell

    Rots in hell Senior Member

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    Paddy and Mick are coming out of the pub pissed.They don't have enough money to get home and see a nearby bus depot and decide to break in and steal a bus.Paddy goes into the garage whilst Mick is keeping watch out at the gate.Paddy sees a nice double decker and leaps into the driver's seat,he then zooms off towards the gate where Mick is waiting.
    Mick looks at the number on the front of the bus and shouts 'hey Paddy you stupid runt you have a 77 that goes nowhere near us...go back and get a 33
     
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  6. expanse

    expanse Supporters HipForums Supporter

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    Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
     
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  7. secret_thinker

    secret_thinker Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

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    Dad and Dave went camping, Dad asked Dave to go find some water while he set up camp. Dave came back with a the best tasting water dad had ever tasted "Thanks Dave you found a good place for water" In the morning dad asked Dave to go get more of the really good water he found the night before, Dave goes off to get the water but comes back without any. What happened asked dad? Dave says, I can't get any just yet, someone was sitting on the well.
     
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  8. secret_thinker

    secret_thinker Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

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    lol happy birthday divorce party
     
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  9. DJammies

    DJammies Members

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    Lol! Literally a "dirty" joke.
     
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  10. Rots in hell

    Rots in hell Senior Member

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    During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
     
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  11. shur-y-not

    shur-y-not Members

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    Good one.
     
  12. rjhangover

    rjhangover Senior Member

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    Why did the elephant paint his toenails red? So he could hide in the cherry tree....ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?...works pretty good, huh....How did Tarzan die....picking cherries. How do you get down off an elephant? You can't, you can only get down off a duck...or a goose. What side of a duck has the most feathers? the outside.....why do elephants have four feet? Because six inches won't get there. Don't worry, it's over kids heads.
     
  13. wilsjane

    wilsjane Nutty Professor HipForums Supporter

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    3 Cherokee women were sitting outside their wigwam discussing children. The one sitting on a sheep hide decided that she was only going to have 2 children. Her friend sitting on a goat hide preferred a family of 3. Finally, the third woman sat down on her hippopotamus hide and told them that she wanted a large family of 5.

    Reply and let me know if and when you see the joke and start laughing. :smile::smile::smile::smile::smile::smile:
     
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  14. wilsjane

    wilsjane Nutty Professor HipForums Supporter

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    I somehow think that you may be amused by my new post. Hopefully it wont upset anyone. LMAO.
     
  15. 6-eyed shaman

    6-eyed shaman Sock-eye salmon

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    My new shoes must be laced with something. I keep tripping.
     
  16. Rots in hell

    Rots in hell Senior Member

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    I fear my neighbour may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer.

    I saw it clearly through my binoculars.
     
  17. Rots in hell

    Rots in hell Senior Member

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    "Coventry named UK city of culture 2021"

    The "Daily Mail" sent a reporter there to cover the story, but no one would talk to him.
     
  18. Rots in hell

    Rots in hell Senior Member

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    Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

    So I pushed her over.
     
  19. Rots in hell

    Rots in hell Senior Member

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    I WENT to the Offy on Tuesday afternoon on the bike, bought a bottle of rum and put it in the basket. When I was about to leave, I thought that if I fell off the bike, the bottle would break.

    So I drank the rum before cycling. It was a good decision because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
     
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  20. Rots in hell

    Rots in hell Senior Member

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    Police say their investigation into the shooting at the YouTube headquarters has been hampered by having to sit through a 5 second advert before interviewing each witness.
     
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