I took my girlfriend home home to meet my parents. After a while my dad leaned over and whispered to me "Son,I think this one's a keeper". "You really think so,dad?" I asked. His reply?.. ..."Yep. She stinks of elephant shit!"
Why did the elephant paint his toenails red? So he could hide in the cherry tree. Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree? Works good huh. How did Tarzan die? Picking cherries. How do you get down off an elephant? You can't, you get down off a duck....or a goose. What side of a duck has the most feathers? The outside.
Being polite and offering a lady your seat isn't always a good thing. ...I just lost my job as a bus driver
I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me—two police officers and a psychiatrist.
A couple in their early 90's..... Husband gets up to go to the kitchen.... Wife......Bring me some chocolate ice cream while you are there Husband....ok Wife...aren't you going to write it down? you will forget.... Husband....No, i will remember chocolate ice cream for you Wife....and add some strawberries to my ice cream, Hank Hank.....OK, Mildred..... Mildred.....aren't you going to write it down? You are going to forget. hank...No, i will remember chocolate ice cream and strawberries on top of your ice cream Mildred.....and whipped cream on all of it, hank Hank...ok..... Midlred....Now, you surely have to write it all down, hank. you are going to forget..... Hank...No, don't worry, i got it Mildred....chocolate ice cream and strawberries and whipped cream..... 30 minutes pass by and Hank enters back into the room where Mildred is...... hank....Here are your bacon and eggs, Mildred Mildred....You forgot the toast!
A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door, then to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there. He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him: You were really drunk last night weren't you? Yeah, why? How do you know? You left your wheelchair at the pub.
A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. It looked good. It smelled good. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
A doctor in Dublin wanted a day off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant. 'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'. 'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: 'So,Murphy, how was your day?' Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache, so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.' 'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor. 'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy. 'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor. 'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in, so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'' "Thunderin Lord Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor. 'I put drops in her eyes.'
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little Old Lady, was Nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his Gloves. 'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked. 'No, I don't,' she replied. 'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank Of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in Their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them Into boxes of the right size.' She didn't crack a smile. 'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, She burst out laughing. 'What's so funny?' he asked 'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!' Gotta watch those little Old Ladies! Their minds are always Working.......
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.' The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way.' After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ..' The nun said, 'I understand completely.' The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!' The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either Like This Quote this post MultiQuote
I decided to confide in my wife that I kept hearing voices coming from our electrical appliances. Yeah, I know: the TV and radio, she replied sarcastically. I told you she wouldn't believe you, said the kettle.
I was feeling really feeling low one day because of my inability to aquire dates - unlike some of my friends who easily find people to go out with. So I decided to make an appointment with a new stylist to have my hair done differently - hoping that I could take on a new look, and be more attractive. On the day of my appointment, I walked in to salon and was promptly seated by the stylist. She asked, "What can I do for you today?". To which I replied, "I would like for you to make me attractive". She said, "Sure thing!", then turned around, pulled a bottle of bourbon whiskey from her cabinet, and started chugging it.
I just won the gold medal for Best-Kept Secret Of The Year!!!! .....I just can't tell you how much it means....
I've finally cured the wife's morbid fear of being buried alive. ...the muffled screams finally ceased about an hour ago....
Paddy goes to a carpenter. "Can you build me a box that's two inches deep, two inches wide and 50 feet long?" "Well," says the carpenter, "it could be done, I suppose, but what would you want with a box like that?" "Well'" said Paddy, "my neighbour moved away and forgot to take a few things with him -- and he asked me to send him his garden hose
Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam. Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have? Paddy: Five. Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Five. Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got? Paddy: Four. Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Five. Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five? Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home
Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him “Did you find the shampoo?” Paddy says, “yes but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”