jokes you wont offend the kids with!

We all need to take a little time off to laugh. Here's your excuse.

LIFE AFTER DEATH "DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES. "YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!"

PALM SUNDAY

IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON

ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE !! "

SUPPORT A FAMILY THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

FIRST TIME USHERS A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE."

CLIMB THE WALLS "OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US." THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED."I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE WATER PISTOL WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL... HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK. I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU, DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"

GRANDMA'S AGE LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS. GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING." JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

 

Guy comes home from work early and catches his wife in the bed with another guy. He says, "What's going on here?" His wife turns to the guy she's in bed with and says, "See, I told you he was stupid."
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On a trip through his kingdom, the king sees a beggar on a corner asking for handouts. But rather than asking for food or alms, the beggar was asking for land. To every passerby, he would say, "Land for the poor . . . land for the poor?" Every day the king would see the same guy on the same corner asking the same thing of every passerby. One day he finally gets tired of seeing him there, and he tells his horseman to stop the carriage in front of the beggar. When the beggar sees the king, he walks up to him and says, "Land for the poor?" The king steps a little closer to the beggar and, without warning, kicks him right square in the nuts. As the beggar is laying there on the ground, folded over and holding his balls (as if that's going to help), the king looks down at him and says, "There! There's two acres for ya."
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While walking along a beach, a guy sees a pretty girl in a wheel-chair and stops to talk to her. As they're talking, she tells him that she lost the use of her legs in a terible accident, and then asks if he will push her along the beach, and so he does. As they're talking, she says to him, "You know, ever since I've been in this wheel-chair, I've never been kissed." The guy says, "Well I can fix that." Then he leans down and gives her a big kiss. A little farther along the beach, she says to him, "And ya know, ever since I've been in this wheel chair, I've never been fucked." The guy says, "Heck, I can take care of that." So he pushes her along until they reach a boat-dock. He then pushes the wheel-chair onto the dock and starts running full speed and lets go of the chair when they reach the end of the dock. The girl and chair go flying into the water. The chair sinks out of sight as she flails about, desparately trying to stay afloat. The guy stands at the end of the dock and says to her, "There . . . now you're fucked."
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I'm sorry, Morrow, but I just really don't like kids all that much.

 

Why would you not starve in the desert?...Because of all the sandwiches there!

 

What is the worst thing about eating vegtables? Putting them back in their wheel-chairs when you're done.

 

OK, first of all, if you know what you're doing, they never have to leave the wheelchair. Second of all, even if you don't know what you're doing, why do you have to put them back into the wheelchair when you're done? Out of some kind of moral obligation? Really?

Oh god! I'm sorry, Morrow. I just . . . I . . . I'll just go.

 

That would be like a fish out of water, just isn't right.

 

Why did the hippie drown?

Because he was too far out man.


A guy is driving down the road with a banjo on his backseat and a monkey with a tuba is driving in the opposite direction. What's the difference?

The monkey is on its way to a gig.


How do you know that the drum riser is level? The drummer is drooling out both sides of his mouth.


I don't like camping. It's too intents for me.

 

You guys kill me! Lmao..

 

What did the mushroom in a box say? "There's not mush room in here..."

 

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the en*tire zoo is a dog. It’s a shih tzu.

 

One day a nice family of complete idiots were enjoying a sunny day sitting on a wall.
Suddenly the Papa idiot fell off the wall and crashed to his death.
Within minutes the Momma idiot also fell and plummeted to her demise.

The youngest one just sat there enjoying the view until the sun went done without ever a risk of falling because he was just a little moron.

 

That is so unfunny.You obviously want to be my Hip Forums enemy.Okay.I know the origination of the word "moron",and I am not one.

 

why?

WTF?????

 

Okay.Maybe I'm being paranoid.I just guessed it was you who down-thumbed my jokes and that you were implying that I was a moron.Yes or No.Tell the truth.

 

...

 

Uhmmm, maybe you need to lay off the weed or speed or whatever.
I guarantee you were nowhere in mind when I typed that or when I heard it first about 30 years ago.

did you get it? the little idiot never fell off because he was a little moron (more on the wall)


Fairlight, while you're a nice person and all, I'm sorry to inform you that you do not consume my thoughts daily.
Sorry, but that is the truth......

 

Haha, oh dear I didn't get it!

 

A young, pretty nun was sitting on a train across from Muslim man. The man opened a box of schrimp and started eating, as he ate he spit out the tails at the nun and she would move side to side to avoid getting hit. When the schrimp were gone the man threw the empty box out the window. The nun stood up and pulled the emergency stop cord. The Muslim man said "You stupid catholic bitch now you will pay a $250.00 fine for stopping the train". The nun smiled and said "No I won't but your going to jail for ten years when I scream rape and they smell your fingers".

 

Okay.Crossed wires.

 

What do vegetarian zombies eat?






Graaaaaaaaaaains.