Why is it seen as natural for people in heterosexual relationships to be jealous if their spouse is in a close opposite-sex friendship, but seen as unwarranted jealousy for a lesbian to be jealous of her partner's close same-sex friendship (with a single lesbian)? My spouse and I have been together for 8 years and have 1 year old twins. She has never had very close lesbian friends, but she has been getting closer and closer with one friend for the past year. They go to each other's offices several times a week, talk and text every day, and I hear about her all the time (more than I have heard about anyone). I am slightly afraid there is some sort of emotional cheating happening. My spouse knows I am jealous, but thinks it is my issue. Am I really out of line for being jealous? Should I just let it go, or what?
i would consider this type of jealously as "natural" too. i mean, it's pretty obvious how you could be jealous of your lesbian partner spending a lot of time with another lesbian. jealously is usually not a constructive emotion. whether or not it's warranted in this situation, i'm not sure. why aren't you friends with your wife's friend? maybe the three of you could start hanging out. if they are just friends, that shouldn't be a problem. but if they have a reason to want to be alone...
And, Porkstock - all hanging out together is a good idea, but we live fairly far from this person (an hour drive). They mostly see each other during the day, when I am at home with the babies. They go hang out at each other's offices (they are both solo lawyers so they can do that...) I wouldn't really be able to join in with that. Plus, I know my wife values one on one time with her friends.
I forgot to mention how this jealousy all started. During the summer, my wife came home one day and her pants were all wet. I asked her why, and she said something like 'I was walking.' I asked why that would make her pants wet. She said she was walking at the beach. Finally, when I gave her a questioning look (because she doesn't normally go walking on the beach), she said she was walking with this friend. She later admitted that she had tried to avoid telling me what she had done because she thought I would be jealous that she was getting out while I was with the babies at home. And, I'll admit, I was - I was cooped a lot at the time, and I would have loved to go on that walk with her. But the thing that really concerned me was that she tried to hide it. The other thing that concerns me is that she has gotten very close with this person, knowing how I feel. If the tables were turned, I might avoid getting super close to someone if I knew it was concerning her, but maybe that is unrealistic to expect. The beach incident is really the only one that was truly suspicious to me... but, it definitely started me wondering.
Have you brought attention to her of what validated jealousy for you? I think its odd that if there was never any previous history of jealousy that she, after x amount of years of being together, felt that disclosing something would inspire a jealous nature. That part in itself seems the incriminating evidence that has brought this about. I would believe on her part that it stems from some form of guilty feeling and is worth both of you seeking open and honest communication about the whole thing. People who dismiss their partners feelings are not worth relationships, no matter what other responsibilitys are entailed.
I think it's natural and has nothing to do with your sexual orientation. I remember feeling that way about friends my husband would talk about. It's the being stuck at home alone that causes it. Get out with other mothers and babies during the day. It will help.
Your female wife hanging with another female would be like my BF hanging with another woman in my case. Yes she should be aware of your issues before it comes to a head, an ugly head and talk might be all you need so it's figured out and also as someone already said, why not hang out with them unless this woman is leaving you with concerns by her actions to your wife,,, ie home wrecker.
jealousy is normal, having 1 year old twins must be hard work and being stuck indoors with children changes how you think, you need to get out the house and be with friends or other mums, also talk to your partner and say how you feel, you have been together a long time so talk to each other
It seems that your wife is spending more time with her friend than with you. Perhaps if she spent more time with you, the feelings of jealousy would end. I know that I would be very upset and jealous if my hubby was doing that- leaving me at home with the kids while he was out with a "friend" or co-worker.
