jake

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by browneydgrl, Jan 19, 2005.

  1. browneydgrl

    browneydgrl Member

    jake, he was a friend of mine
    late night supermarket- 17th aisle
    between the coffee and the poison nails
    up against the baby food
    tearing sobs from wet paper boundaries
    out of control. clarity's understudy
    in melting philosophy.
    inside of me.
    in style.

    jakey boy, come home, your mama's drunk again
    she knocked around the baby and polished off your gin
    jakey baby, stella saw it all go up in flames
    but you've been outta ear shot for so long
    you prob'ly didnt hear her scream your name

    jake, he was a longtime lover
    early morning- blinking like the dying neon invitation
    that faded out of business just last june
    wired, shaky, overdrawn
    come back to bed and let me
    do all those things that make you wild
    tie me up. i'll take you down.
    you know i'll always be around.
    for the duration.
     
  2. Abstract, apparently depressed, not making much sense to outsiders, beautiful...

    Is that you Tori?
     
  3. browneydgrl

    browneydgrl Member

    no sorry, im not tori. my name's erin. nice to meet you.
     
  4. fulmah

    fulmah Chaser of Muses

    that was one delicious read... it moves in all the right directions at the right times... great images and passion as well. I really, really enjoyed this one; thanks for sharing it! :)
     
  5. KittenX

    KittenX Purrrific

    Agree with fulmah, I dig the style! Everything fell into its proper space making this one helluva recollection/reflection, though personal still very relatable!
     
  6. kidder

    kidder Member

    I'm not going to bullshit you. I loved the first four lines:


    Jake, he was a friend of mine
    late night supermarket- 17th aisle
    between the coffee and the poison nails
    up against the baby food

    You're concrete. You're focused. Then there's this quick shift to abstraction. I wouldn't. Give us a little more of the physical world. Keep us grounded. Jake is obviously a mesmerizing character. And the next two units have a sweet, lyrical sense. They'd obviously help create the framework of a song. You're at your best when you stick to the perceived and immediate in your images. Write on!
     

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