Why I'm single. Or at least struggling to find someone to enjoy my time with without worrying. It's my fault, and here's why. I am so scared of getting hurt. It sounds pathetic, but I am so afraid of letting myself seem vulnerable and whatever- I don't like embarrassing myself because I've done it before and I made a right tit of myself. I was only 17; It was my first heart break. 4 years later I'm still harbouring those feelings, the way that man made me feel- utterly humiliated- that I'm scared to let another human being make me feel that way. It's been a gradual journey but tonight was the icing on the cake. I've realized that I AM a game player. Because I believe it's the way to be to prevent yourself from getting embarrassed. But who gives a fuck? Finding love is about taking chances! I'm not doing what I FEEL is right, but rather what I believe I should be doing, how I should be acting in order to find a man to care for me. But how can I expect a man to care if I don't show I care? If I don't put myself out there? Open up a little? I don't mean get heavy on the first date, but be a bit more honest, rather than cold and "sexy". It's not alluring acting like a prick to people you like. It's my fault when they become uninterested. Sorry for the longish post, but I really think it's a valuable read for anyone who is in the same position as me. I think I am in love with someone. It feels so weird to have such strong feelings for another human being. Tonight they told me I am a headfuck and confusing and that I should have just been truthful from the start. They are right! Why do we play games? What are the rules of dating anyway? Can't we just be ourselves? From previous posts of mine, I'm sure you can tell I am a bit of a head fuck with my stand offish ways and deliberately cold actions towards the opposite sex. I was just shamefully afraid of being a "loser" in my eyes. Does liking someone a lot make you foolish? Of course not. Show that person you care. I'm not a crazy obsessive stalker, so why should I be the total opposite in hopes of getting a guy to like me? It's not fair on them. It drives them away and leaves me alone crying, wondering why they did. I over think a lot, I need to learn to enjoy the ride and take each day as it comes. It's hit me hard tonight. This is the rawest and most emotional thread I've posted on here because I want to share my revelations and potentially help others with my problem. Don't push people away! Be you. If they don't want you then they aren't worth your time and you were not doing anything wrong by putting yourself out there. I know people say this a lot, but it really does take time to discover it for yourself. Maybe it's just part of growing up... It can be exhausting, but eventually I guess you will find someone who cares about you as much as you care about them. Don't give up hope. I'm only young myself and haven't experienced much heartache, but most of my relationship dilemmas have been self inflicted. I don't want that for myself anymore. I want to change. I'm prepared to put my heart out there when I feel it's right. I won't let a book or article tell me otherwise. I'm too concerned about what other people think, but all that matters is what I think is right! You can always take advice, but there's only so much others can say... I rely far too much on what other people think for fear of looking ridiculous. I need to let that go otherwise I'll hinder my happiness.
Beautiful post I agree completely with everything you said, both from the logic of it and from my own personal experience and seeing the experience of people around me. People who act "cold" and "sexy" and play games and all that are missing the whole point of human relationships. It's to open up, be vulnerable, in all your silly, stupid, annoying, childish, beautiful, wise tendencies, and having someone else, just as ridiculous and perfect as you, say "I want to be with you", and you say "and I want to be with you". Love is an action, a choice, in every moment, to keep trying, to keep growing, to keep being ok with everything not being ok, and that's what makes everything ok, better than ok, the best it could be.
