Having struggled with feelings of depression for pretty much my whole life, I can honestly say I am pretty consistently at some of the lowest depths of despair and unhappiness. And as bad as it's always been, it seems to just be getting steadily worse as the years pass. More and more of my friends vanish from my life forever because of my own personal issues that drive people away from me. More and more these feelings of worthlessness and unwantedness dominate my everyday life, preventing me from doing anything productive but instead waste all my time away moping by myself. As the cycle of depression deepens, even my very ability to fake that everything is alright fades, causing my immediate family to start growing suspicious of why I never talk to anyone anymore, and seem to be keeping more and more secrets from everyone. More and more I say that I "just want to be left alone". My desire for social acceptance is gradually being replaced with guilt and shame, too much to even bear the thought of interacting with anyone anymore. I am developing a mindset that is convincing me that I am content with being unhappy and alone for the rest of my life. Because I am too afraid to try anything else. Just the thought of trying drains what little energy I have left these days. Everything just seems to further convince me of the pathetic human garbage I am, and I just want to lock myself in my room, away from the rest of the world forever. It's so much easier than going out into the world and struggling with the crippling waves of emotions that come with just seeing another human being. I feel like I don't have the strength of will to live a normal or happy life. I want things to change, but I have no belief in my own ability to make them change. I am completely convinced that I cannot do it, no matter how hard I try, so I don't bother to try. I feel completely lost.
Quest, I am not sure if I've asked you this in the past, but have you thought about going to counseling/therapy? Talking with someone who is a professional may help you work through some issues and not be so hard on yourself.
The right medication can completely change you outlook. Find a good psychiatrist and keep bugging him until you find something that works for you. I've been through alcoholism, depression, OCD and anxiety so I know what I'm talking about. There have been many times I've had to force myself to ignore the voice in my head that said things couldn't get better. No one can do this for you; complaining and feeling sorry for yourself won't work. I wish you luck.
Currently seeing two therapists actually. So far they haven't really done much to help me. For the most part they tell me that only I can ultimately make changes in my life to better myself. And while I understand their reasoning... I do not have the strength of will to make those changes. I am a worthless pile of scum who will never change.
There are steps that you can take to build your willpower, and relatively simple actions that can help produce bigger positive changes. Building a blazing bonfire may seem like an impossibility to someone who doesn't know that it starts with the simple striking of a match
Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better, but it almost always does if you stick it for just long enough. Every one of us (that are possibly older than you) can tell you a story of how at one point they thought things were pretty shitty, some people maybe a few; I could probably write a book about it, but that's not the point. The point is that I have had some experiences that in a way I wish I'd never had, mistakes I wish I'd never made; but i'm still here and I love this world and the good things and people in it. I love myself too, which is perhaps one of the more important parts of this' and would never want to leave this world, I'd miss it, I'd miss myself. Look around you, at the world, its full of many things, many of them beautiful that make me happy; what are YOU looking at? I'm also pretty sure a few people would miss me even more than I ever could and hurting people isn't something I can do without crying. The bad times though: I wouldn't change for anything, because changing the past would alter the current, and future me; and I rather like me, and the way things are just right now.
Instead of wallowing in self pity I would suggest a constructive approach to change the way that things are going. Perhaps you have a friend that wasn't your favorite person to hang with. You could hang out with that person. Don't lower yourself too much though. And if you're really struggling with friendships I have some interesting advice. Cut them out. You don't need friends as much as you think. Go online more. Do things that don't require other peoples acceptance? I don't know. Join a gym. Don't isolate yourself. Go out alone! You'd be surprised how some people will talk to you, or even just the way it will make you feel to be out doing something. Go to a club. You know what you'll like, I can't really tell you what to do but there must something. I have mental health issues myself but I volunteer work at a non-profit, am a member of a gym, and enjoy nightlife when it suits me. I can go to the movies, drive places, and do lots of other things by myself. Without my old friends, who I remember but with whom I no longer share common interests (at least not that I know of. I never talk to them anymore) and without feeling too terribly lonely.
Baby steps. Take a walk. Cook a nice meal . Draw a picture. Clean your house. Do simple acts like that, it might not seemy like much but it is good for the soul and will help you feel accomplished. And once you feel accomplished you might have more energy for bigger accomplishments. Are you on medication? If you're not on meds and you're at a point where the smallest day to day activities like bathing and getting dressed seem impossible you might want to try medication.
Pretty similar to what Melia said. The first post in this thread covers a lot: http://www.hipforums.com/forum/topic/458019-treating-depression-and-anxiety/ The easiest steps include the recommendations on 1. diet 2. exercise (during the late fall and winter, it might be better to switch to tai chi or other gentle indoor exercise that does not involve sweating) 3. meditation 4. yoga/tai chi/qi gong 5. other recommendations in the thread Being active and engaged in someway can be helpful. You might want to apply for vocational rehabilitation services. They can help you find a job that is compatible with your disability, or help you enroll in a degree program. Medication isn't necessarily the best route for everyone, but especially if you are unable or unwilling to take other steps, it might be a good idea. There's more to say on the subject. I'd like to help if you are interested in making some changes.
You are your own toughest critic, as most people tend to be. Everyone around you can tell you that you're wonderful and capable; it means nothing though if you don't believe it yourself.
I'm no expert, but I've been in a dark place before, so maybe I could say something that resonates. If you're not on anti-depressants, you might start there. But that should be followed up with serious attitude adjustment. You're hypnotizing yourself to fail. Sometimes thinking of yourself as " a worthless pile of scum who will never change" can be an excuse for holding on to the familiar, however bad it is, because change can be unfamiliar and scary. Have you molested small children? Cheated old ladies out of their inheritance? Tortured animals? Drowned babies in the bathtub? If not, maybe you aren't as worthless a pile of scum as you think! Look at the candidates who are currently running for President. Did they let being worthless piles of scum stand in their way? Really, what do you have to lose in trying out new ways? When you hear yourself saying "I can't, because I'm a worthless pile of scum", say "Stop! TheQuestNeverEnds can handle the situation!" You need to shift the focus from yourself to others. There are plenty of people in this world who can use a friend and a helping hand. You might volunteer at a charity or just reach out to someone by saying "Hello". Your experience of suffering might be helpful to others. Don't sit at home. Get outdoors into nature or go to public places, like a park or a shopping mall where there are other people. Take a class, learn a new skill, join a book club.Try a support group. One of the benefits of that, in addition to getting support from others, is in discovering that there are other outwardly normal people who are at least as messed up as you think you are. There are twelve-step programs like Emotions Anonymous, or you might do something really bold and start one yourself! There are secular variants of the twelve-step model, like Secular Organizations for Sobriety and Rational Recovery. Most of these are geared to people with alcohol or substance abuse problems, but there are variants for virtually any attachment problem. If none is available in your area, why not start one? Just find a meeting place, like the library or a local church, synagogue, or mosque, and put an add in the paper. I don't know what your religious or spiritual orientations are, and I'd avoid guilt-based religions like the plague, but the kinds of meditation and exercise programs others here have talked about might help, and arts, crafts and music can also be therapeutic. Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy, based on Buddhist traditions, might help in getting over yourself and finding enlightenment. What do you have to lose? There's lots of beauty in the world and in people if you look beyond the ugliness. "The kingdom of Heaven is spread out everywhere on the earth and people do not see it." (Gospel of Thomas, 113)
You make some good points, but the part about me starting my own support group is a tad flawed, I must admit. If I can't even help myself, how the hell am I supposed to help others? How am I supposed to use the motivation and energy that I'm LACKING to go out and bring people together on a regular basis? There is nothing available for me that I know of. And I'm an atheist btw. If God exists, then he has MUCH to answer for.
Create. Create anything. A mud pie. Some music. Beat on pots and pans if you don't have anything else. Sing. Let your feelings get outside of you. Scribble on some paper. Sweep something big. I love sweeping. I find it therapeutic. Find a swing and at least sit in it even if you don't want to swing. Pet an animal or talk to it. Pick some flowers or weeds and stick them in a glass or jar. Talk to us more, here.
