Is this boring?

Discussion in 'Writers Forum' started by sharon, Jan 18, 2005.

  1. sharon

    sharon Member

    I've wanted to write for so long but am constantly beset by doubts and feelings of inadequacy.
    I know that what I need to do is write through this and that eventually there will be some reward.
    Anyway, I've written this and would appreciate any comments. Even if you only read one paragraph before deciding that you don't like it, I'd like to know why.

    I sit staring at an empty screen. It taunts me with its blankness; somehow inferring that I cannot do it, I am unable to create anything of worth, I will not succeed.

    My dog sits at my feet. He looks up at me – pleadingly. There’s an hour to go until his dinner time but he wouldn’t mind going for a walk. He’s already been on one today but he thinks that walking along a beach, chasing balls in infinitely more worthwhile than sitting in front of a computer.

    Maybe he’s right.



    Times are difficult now. There is so much that needs to be written. I want to do it in a way which will make sense for people who read this later. I want to do it in a way which makes it pleasurable to read this later. I am sometimes overcome by a lack of belief but shouldn’t let that stop me, right?



    He left yesterday. It was my fault. Now I don’t know what to do.



    I really don’t know what to do and it strikes me as though sitting in front of a computer is the least likely thing to help me although it will provide some sort of explanation for people afterwards – I think that’s why I’m doing it, just in case.



    We always had problems. Our relationship was born out of destruction and strife. People had to be hurt. We were also hurt.

    I wonder if I ever really got over that hurt. I lost so many people and so much certainty. There was a before and there was an after and I was utterly changed. I felt a huge loss. It wasn’t really fair to expect that he should fill that space in me but that was what I demanded. I pushed and pushed for him to give me more and more until finally he was unable. He left; tired and depleted. There was nothing else he could do.

    Perhaps this is how it is supposed to be. Maybe now I’ll get better. Most likely I’ll get worse.



    The first time I knew was shortly after I started to work for him. I was young then and perhaps I was very naïve. I thought that communication and connection was the most important thing and that all people were searching for these things. Now I wonder whether married people are supposed to share their feelings and fears with others, maybe they should only be open with their partners. Actually, I think this is bullshit and if I had to do it all over again, I would still be as open and interested in communication as I was then. I have compromised on enough of my principles. I refuse to give up on another.

    We talked a lot. We shared a lot of our past experiences and spent time relating who we were and why we thought we had become that way. I liked him a lot and was glad to have found a real friend in the home town to which I had so recently returned.

    One day, he had to leave early and I was to stay behind on my own. He hesitated as he was walking out the door and said that he felt strange leaving me in such a curt, cold manner. He said it felt as though it would be more appropriate to give me a hug. I told him to go ahead as I believe in being affectionate with all my friends.

    Awkwardly, he put his arms around me and held me tight.

    I knew. I knew he wanted to be more than just friends.



    The first guilt was shortly afterwards. I went to a concert and he and his wife were there. He sent a drink over to my table. I felt deceitful and could hardly drink it. I went to the bathroom and could feel his eyes on my body as I walked past his table. While I was washing my hands, his wife walked in and started to touch up her make up. She joked about the constant effort it is to please men. I felt sick.
     
  2. OKay I will give you some basics, but remember this is just constructive criticism and not a professional.

    In my opinion, it is a little choppy and disconnected. It doesn't flow very well. Writing needs to flow to keep the reader clinging from one paragraph to the next; from one sentence to the next.

    Also, to be more exciting it needs to start out with action and or dialogue. Opening up with down and depressing, self-reflective thought.

    Stick to the necessary. Some of it is slightly redundant, and the part about the dog really isn't necessary in my opinion.

    Description doesn't hurt but make sure it is necessary and interesting.

    That's all I can think of at the moment.
     
  3. ArtistofPeace

    ArtistofPeace Senior Member

    It sounds hokey. And I agree with the poster above. It doesn't grab you. It sounds like you're just writing what you're feeling and doing..."I stare at a blank screen..." Yeah, well...we all do that sometimes. But your writing doesn't make me care about what's going on. It's too self-reflective. Hope that helps and doesn't sound too harsh.
     
  4. I think its a great work of art, as it shows everyone what "sucking ass " really is about. This stuff sucks magnificently, its immense, and sucks like 5000 trillion billion tons of sucking force per square millimetre" emanates from it

    PS I could have criticised it more harshly but hey - its not like youre a pro
     
  5. dirtydog

    dirtydog Banned

    Hi:
    Don't worry about Ronald. He insults everyone, and he'll be around for awhile. Get used to it.

    You seem to be doing a first person non-fiction narrative about your recent experiences with a particular man. If this is the case, you should tell the reader. On the other had if this is fiction, and your narrator is a fictitious person, you should also let the reader know.

    Let's suppose you're doing fiction. Fill the reader in on your character's name, age, background, location, upbringing, social status, friends, family relationships. Bring in her feelings about her situation as you do so. Then develop a story line.

    For example, in my story 'Anacapa' (here in Writers Forum), I originally wanted to do an autobiographic sketch about the insides of my own head as I sat by myself on a deserted island. Before too long I realized I didn't have a story line that would keep a reader interested. I brought in a family of grey whales, but that wasn't enough to make a story, so I developed a new and original concept to hold the reader's interest: boy meets girl. I'm sure no one ever thought of this before.

    Dirtydog.
     
  6. yooohooo DD ? I say wooo heeeeee !! I dug this post upp from 2 years ago, these people have waited 2 years for a reply so I tought I would let them, know they werent just ahead of their time or anything like that - they just sucked !
     
  7. dirtydog

    dirtydog Banned

    Ronald, I never fail to be enlightened by your insight. How long have you been a Conservative MP?
     
  8. SweetMarie

    SweetMarie Member

    I like how you ended this, it's almost poetic. If you were to tweek this piece a little, it could be a decent poem. For example, I would start from "He left yesterday, It was my fault." And maybe add a new line in there about how you're feeling. After that I would cut to, "The first time I knew was shortly after I started to work for him." Although, I think you should make it more clear as to what it was you knew. It's pretty clear anyway, it just needs something.... Other than that, I can see what you were aiming for, and like I said, a few changes could make a big difference.
     
  9. I would just write it on the side of a Russian submarine and then send the sub out to sea and sink it - then fire some kind of nuclear warhead at the wreckage on the seabed
    then I would pay to have several trillion billion zillion million tons of concrete shipped in so it would form a new country in thhe ocean and the poem would be buried 5 miles beneath the surface
     
  10. dirtydog

    dirtydog Banned

    Ronald:
    You had me fooled, I admit. The original poster, Sharon, is long gone by now and will never read my scholarly remarks. Still, Ronald Macdonald is around, and this is better than Saturday Night Live. Keep up the good work!

    SMGOL (Splitting My Guts Out Laughing)
     
  11. SweetMarie

    SweetMarie Member

    You Suck!
     
  12. Thanks thats the nicest thing anyone ever said to me here!
    wow - this is lurve surely ?
    hahahahaha
     
  13. Mirakel

    Mirakel Member

    good piece overall. despite what the others say. the thing is, it is a piece meant to connect more to people's emotions, which is the type of writing i am into. i like writing that "shows" rather than "tells." and it it's choppy? so what. the emotions are choppy. life isn't a smooth ride with an eloquent narrative to go with it. continue to elaborate on the way that we feel, not just what we see and hear. the inner eye and inner feeling is the real sixth sense, and people need to write about it more.
     
  14. White Scorpion

    White Scorpion 4umotographer

    I don't know if you actually read through the thread Miracle, but Sharon's last post was a rather long time ago... I've often noticed that Mother Nature tends to send us a wave of teenage female guests every few months who just happen to head straight for the tumbleweed forum, make one post, and are never seen or heard of again, like some kind of Ancient Greek tragedy chorus materializing to give us all some key to the ancient wisdom!

    To put your mind at ease... Sharon is no longer around. She has probably found a boyfriend. Ronald dug this thread up from the vaults, for what I suspect to be comic relief, and you lot are walking right into it like Borat's victims. Do people talk to gravestones in America? PS This is very amusing, people. It's a bit like the 6th Sense.
     
  15. Dr Phibes

    Dr Phibes Banned

    WTF who is this Ronald Macdonald, that criticism is a bit harsh but HuGELy fUnNy
     
  16. boring? borrrrrrring????!!! booooooooooooooooooooooorrrring!!!
    I sould say its more interesting than watching wood expant in the hot sun, or watching a sloth climb a tree! its more inbtersetin than a woman with a cast iron shastity belt
     
  17. heywood floyd

    heywood floyd Banned

    How nice to find that as soon as someone declares that they have low self-esteem and are easily wounded, others will happily jump at the opportunity to further lower the self-esteem of, and easily wound that person.

    bravo!
     
  18. White Scorpion

    White Scorpion 4umotographer

    Maybe that's what they need to get a grip on reality. There are a lot of bad people who prey on the type of victim you have just described, and the surest way to do that is to play on their vulnerable ego. Especially on the internet!
     
  19. bwahahahahahahahahaha remember keep in the black stay out of the red you get nowt in this game for two in a bed
     
  20. White Scorpion

    White Scorpion 4umotographer

    Exactly. It's the creeps who keep saying: "Oh, look at that lovely little story!" that you've got to worry about. They're obviously after something, and it's more than likely gun-wielding Libertarian trash after your wallet, so they can buy skank, and bullets, and cut their hair so bad that even their mother disowns them.
     

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