Is Marriage Just Crap ?

This thread began 21 pages and four years ago with the false premise that most marriages end in divorce. The OP identified the US as home. No credible estimate places the US divorce rate above 50 percent. It isn't "most." It may approach 50 percent when married people who separate for the rest of their lives without divorcing are included, but it's still not a majority. The rate is certainly higher for each successive marriage in a person's life, and certainly a majority when both members of a married couple have each had multiple prior marriages.

So what is the actual US divorce rate? It can't be determined because the most populous state, California, several other states, and the District of Columbia don't keep records that would be necessary for the divorce rate to be determined. People who claim expertise in this area differ in their estimates, but they range from about 25 percent to about 40 percent of all marriages ending in divorce. It's certainly not "most."

So, is marriage crap because people find that the person who is in the bed next to them or who just filed a petition for divorce turns out not to be a "soulmate"? It's a matter of expectations. Then entire origin and ultimate purpose of marriage has to do with the inter-generational transfer of property, and the institution of marriage originated with the first human permanent agricultural settlements sometime around 10,000 years ago, practically the blink of an eye ago in the long arc of human existence. If one's expectation is passionate love with a pair-bonded soulmate lasting until death do you part, yes, marriage is crap, but that's an unrealistic expectation to begin with. With regard to private property rights, and distribution upon death or divorce, marriage is still reasonably effective.

Unhappiness comes from unfulfilled unrealistic expectations. Expect too much from marriage, oneself, or a marriage partner, and one is bound to be disappointed. Set expectations lower, and one just may be delighted with the outcome.

Many of the postings in this thread have to do with sex, it's frequency, intensity, variety, exclusivity, etc. Again, it all has to do with expectations. The only provisions of the usual marriage vows that deal with sex are "to have and to hold" and "forsaking all others". The contours and boundaries of both of those provisions have to be determined by the specific couple, and misunderstandings are extremely common.

"To have and to hold" merely indicates that there will be some sexual contact. It doesn't imply anything about intensity, duration, frequency, positions, foreplay, toys involved, or pillow talk. The couple has to work out the details. Similarly, the "forsaking all others" vow to some means only that he or she won't bring home an STD or produce a child with someone else, but to others an emotional affair or flirty Facebook message is adultery. They have to work out the details, and on an ongoing basis. If any aspect of sex is important to anyone entering marriage, they need to be explicit about what they are agreeing to; they need to check-in regularly with each other on how it's going; and they need to modify their agreement on a mutual consent basis as they move forward in life and as their circumstances change.

Clear agreements and realistic expectations make the best partnerships.

 

Marriage is what you both put into it. If you put a bunch of crap into it then that is what you will end up with. I was married one month shy of 34 years before my wife passed away. We had our ups and downs . But that is normal. I was at her side when she passed away. And I would do it all over again if I could just to be with her again, Even if I knew of what the outcome would be .

So no Marriage is not a sham or crap or what every you called it. It is a commitment for, and to, each other. And if you can not be bothered to make that commitment then you should not even bother being together with another person. Let alone getting married. That is my honest feelings of marriage.

 

and to those getting married in the distant future, i hope you rot!

 

Haha yeah I know I left those out. Just seemed a little false to go that far with my well wishing. But fuck it, those folks too. Sure.

 

I found our hand fasting ceremony on PDF and took a screenshot. so this is the loose version of events, some words were changed, obviously we are wife and wife not husband and wife, but this is just the draft version lol. The promises were the oaths we made to each other instead of vowels.

So this is why I think it is important to write your vowels or oaths and not go with generic. You see what we did there? We basically wrote them in a way that wouldn't let us fall victim to the common generic wedding vowels and to empower us with independence of freedom.

 

I have 50 years up this year as long as I make it.

 

Is marriage crap....!!!!!!!!! Tell that to my five kids they might just beat you up....HA, ha ha

 

Not crap but in this day and age probably unnecessary. However people who belong to certain religions would disagree.

 

It shows commitment , so yes carry on with it if you want to, if your against it leave it out.

 

Marriage isn't crap..

 

Sorry for you loss......There are no words to comfort a person who has lose a love one! May she rest in peace!

 

It's a gamble, just like surgery, can come out good or horrid. I was married once, it turned out bad, shocked out of my mind.....never married again, never had that desire. I've NOT seen a lot of what is considered good marriages in my experiences of 82 yrs....more stress than happy times, is what I've seen.

 

My parents "made" 63 yrs but boy oh boy were they mismatched...like day and night, salt and pepper, water and oil....Yep....but back then people hung in regardless .. my mother prayed a lot.

 

Depends on the person you marry. Most people think marriage is sunshine and rainbows. You want someone who can make you a better person, make life better, easier and fun! It’s about having deeper connection that the two of you only experience. They become a part of you in a way that you can’t live without. It’s a partnership to have each other’s back during the difficulties of life. It’s about romance, caring for one another, giving yourself to someone because you love them. Marriage isn’t just about something you do when your in love, it’s about committing yourself to the other that you will be there for them through sickness and in health. It’s about having someone there you can sink into when you’ve had a hard day and they make the day better. A person you can tell everything to and not have you worry that you’ll end the relationship if you two have different opinions about something. Having the ability to communicate in a way that fulfills your every need and desires. Most people often get caught up in the euphoric sense that love brings them and it does fad but Not completely. The person will do something that will make your heart melt or say something that will make you fall in love all over again. It’s called honeymoon phase for a reason but you have those moments to look back on when the time gets tough like in an argument or during an epidemic. If you don’t take anything away from my response just remember two things;
1.communication is the most important even of you think it will hurt their feelings. Usually it’s the hardest topics are the most important to talk about.
2. Trying to find someone exactly like you I’d like finding a needle in a hay stack. No one is the same and everyone has their own opinion. Not to mention it would be pretty boring if you two were the same. Having differences and figuring them out together makes you stronger as a person and grow as a couple.

 

Like anything else in life--it's what one/two make of it.

 

We get 50 years up in November and we worked at it sometimes daily, if you know what I mean, I think that's the trouble some men will have sex with anyone and anywhere but not in doors with the wife.

 

I don't see living with someone, (even under a contract as marriage) , as a relationship. For me it is an experience for both parties involved. I experience her and she me. When she is gone from my company for whatever reason my experiences will continue but my life will not be devastated for an extended period of time. I will dwell on the whole she left in me for a little while but as we all know, life goes on to other experiences.

 

What a lot of croak, see this how guys who want to put it around answer.

 

Marriage or any long term relationship is like an investment. The more put into like work as you say the more you get out of it . If one doesn't put enough into it then the investment will run out .

 

Do vows mean nothing to some?