Is being nice to everyone a bad thing? when it comes to the opposite sex?

Yeah, it's still considered cool around Asheville to hang around art galleries and coffee shops, but closer to home, a lot of people tell me they don't go anywhere unless they have to. They go to work five days a week, unless they have one of those office jobs that lets you work from your home computer one or two weekdays. If they want restaurant food, they use a drive-through window on the way home from work. They go to grocery stores and drug stores in person, but everything else is bought online, and they socialize online. Some of them are wearing sweatpants and t-shirts four days out of seven, and seeing only their family members and coworkers in the office.

I like my house too, but I don't want it to become my prison cell, if you know what I mean.

 

Not so much, anymore. I mean, women are not going to approach you. That's all. Throughout your lifetime, that's going to be the case with extremely rare exceptions if you're lucky. And soon you grow old and limp.

I assume you're neither rich, nor tall, nor do you have square features? And even those guys have to go out 7 days a week...I understand that is very painful, but the question remains: what to do from here?

Seems to me, you can either target your efforts elsewhere, or make some adjustments in order to pick them up. Basically, that adjustment should be: approaching them very directly for sex, and be willing to fail in 99% of cases. It's like a minimum wage job. Just keep flipping burgers until you've saved enough for an afternoon at the movies.

Also, play within your own league. Don't go to the first night in theaters of a feature film, go to the matinee. Makes no sense to gamble only with girls who are taller, richer, and prettier than you. Then you're going to die a semi-virgin. And I know you're looking to fuck the shit out of everybody.

Edit: I wouldn't drink either. Don't be smooth or anything. Just get out there and machine-approach from bar to bar, lounge to lounge if that's what you wanna do. My two cents.

 

Love it!

 

I think Karen is totally right when she says the meaning of 'nice' is different for different people.

 

I have the feeling that is just not what the OP wants to do. Even if he was willing to go and and anticipate a 99% fail, he seems to be a genuine nice guy.

Yes, it is obvious there are subtile differences associated with the meaning of 'nice' but I would say until you know these associations and thus the exact definition from a specific person it is obviously best to go by the offical/basic definition :2thumbsup:

 

All my life I've been fed the message that women love bastards and you've got to treat them mean to keep them keen.That if you're a nice guy you won't get laid.You are who you are.There's no point in acting against your essential nature for sexual conquests.I haven't been the luckiest guy with women,but I haven't done too badly either.Sure some guys are players and that can make us jealous at times.Screw them and just be true to yourself and wait for the right person to come along.Okay so there may be small changes you can make to increase your odds.I suggest to the op that it WILL happen for you and when it does it will be well worth the wait.But you do have to get yourself out there and put yourself about a bit.No one is going to ride up to your door on a white shining horse.

 

Well, I have to ask what "nice" looks like. For instance, my husband is nice, because he's not mean. Ok, yawn. As for if I see "nice" as being a player. These days, I suspect everyone of having an agenda. So if I were to meet you, I'd engage you to see if things got interesting. Some people though, just have a mutual vibe with each other. Ultimately I think we all seek those moments.

One thing with these posts of yours regarding getting to know the opposite sex.....you consistently look for feedback about yourself in your interactions. Eventually you'll just have to enjoy people for the sake of people, and for the sake of enjoyment.

 

Cherea laid down some nice hard truths. it's reassuring to know 'it's not me,' it's just the way it is.

Hah. I'll do the effort. As I have no choice. not going to play down to "my league," though. Eventually quite the opposite in fact. I don't expect tall 10 blondes to respond to me, nor am I hitting on every single one that I see, but I think it's important to not mentally imagine yourself on a lower rung, especially when it comes to something as self-fulfilling as having confidence with the opposite sex.

Aw, shucks. And I think you're right. I want quality (and success?) over quantity.

This is good advice/observation. I admit I've actually toned down my in-your-face overly-friendly personality, for the sake of something more attractive (or less off-putting), but it can be attractive when someone is themselves and lets them-self be themselves as well. I decided a few days ago I may tip the balance towards that old me a bit more.

It's also a lot less painful and more fun when you're not avoiding eggshells, and simply getting off from the conversations and interactions themselves. Not worried so much about results or how you're being perceived.

*But when being myself seems to not get the results I want, then I have to return to this. Make tweaks, or look for understanding.

 

Hah. Great point. I think a lot of this for most people is that + misunderstandings when communicating + lack of:

Basically, that adjustment should be: approaching them very directly for sex, and be willing to fail in 99% of cases.

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You almost have to it seems, at this point. You don't have to ask for sex (oh but you can, don't be shocked), but make it very clear you're romantically interested and do it soon. A lot of guys, me included, thought it rude to do or ask some of these things right away without clear invitations or signs.

But if you don't you're left behind. Oh how a man must become something he's not just to be in the line-up.

The term "nice" and especially "nice guy" has morphed into something as bad as AIDS.

Things like this do not help. There was an official definition, as Asmodean mentioned, but when it comes to dating people automatically think of 'spineless' or 'manipulation semi-virgin.'

I am also interested in sex and dating women. My method may be different than some buff jerk @ the club, but that doesn't mean I should remain a docile limp for the rest of my life because "I am who I am." (that's one-dimensional too. People are allowed to tweak and change -- after all, that's how an ego and personality work). and I'm going to the extreme here. I am no limp docile dude.

I (personally) just need to learn to communicate sexual/romantic interest better or in a manner that's direct and strong enough. As well as find a good resting place for insecurities or (self)perceived un-attractive vibes.

You notice women never have to think about this, at all? #Justsayin'

 

I wasn't trying to suggest you were docile and limp.Anyway you seem to have it pretty sussed now...So wtf. ps...I think you'd be not too surprised to know how many women worry about how they look and how they come across.

 

Do yo thang, baby.

 

Spoken like a true wise man

You've said it exactly. That's the mindset you need to have. With a lot of girls you may need to be more agressive and direct than you're usually comfortable with, because what you consider to be forward and direct may not be coming off as such to the girl.

And I think girls do concern themselves with being able to get the guy "they want". But they can get away with being a lot more subtle and simply passing off hints most of the time. But they also don't handle rejection very well either in my experience.

 

Humans are gonna be paranoid. Still a world of difference on the expectations between men & women.

 

sounds like the kind of advice a guy would give to try and eliminate some competition.

 

They have them in Australia, theres a vending machine outside the bank I go to.

You put in a wedding ring token, 12 months later it dispenses a dead cold fish with a headache

 

The conventional flirting and dating process requires some degree of acting ability. It's always been that way.

One problem we have here is, we don't know what kind of a city you are operating in. Social expectations can be very different. Small towns are much harder, unless they're college towns or vacation resort towns. Southeastern cities have the reputation of being friendlier than northeastern cities, but it's just the opposite in most cases.

We also don't know what kind of a girl you would like to meet. Looking for a sweet, smart, quiet, mature girl in a bar or club is like going fishing and showing up at the lake with a bow and arrow.

One woman described them as being like a guy who is gay but hasn't figured it out yet! :rofl:

We need a different word for somebody who is an okay, normal person, and the opposite of a jerk or asshole. I'm not sure what the best word is right now.

Yeah, all that definitely needs to go away.

Oh, we have a lot more crap to deal with than the men. Clothes, hairstyles, makeup, mannerisms, reputation, etc. take a huge amount of time and effort if we want to compete at a high level. You guys have no idea.

He always paints a bleak picture. If things were always that bad, how would anybody ever get together with anybody? The human race would be dying out!

I have to laugh when I hear guys talking about girls never initiating anything. Just last year in New Orleans, a college girl asked my husband to dance with her. A waitress also gave him her phone number, in front of me! She wrote it on the back of the check. We usually try to be more subtle than that, but I used to assume that all the guys figured it out sooner or later. There have to be 100 ways for girls to get a guy's attention and hint at wanting him to make a move. I see it all the time.

 

Women worry about this shit all the time. My own problem is that I'm too assertive, and too sure, and too clear. I don't know how to play the subtle games and would rather it all be said directly. I'm finding that one of my criterias these days is finding like-minded men (and friends) that can express thoughts outwardly. Silly, I know.

 

I see them initiate guys all the time. The thing is, it appears only a small percentage of guys actually get actively initiated by women. So unless you're in that small percentile, the perception is actually the reality for the vast majority... and that's that women don't initiate anything with guys.

And unfortunately 90% of guys don't recognize those hints. Perhaps women need to regroup and start being more direct/aggressive with their hints/moves?

 

That's a plus for a lot of guys.

 

yeah, but you guys do that to yourselves. men generally don't care about all the shit that women do to show off for other women.

i don't think that giving hints that are so subtle that no guy could recognize them as being hints really counts as initiating.