Into The Universe (my try at psychedelia)

I'm sitting here, in the grassy fields, being warmed by jupiter's smile,
The intergalatic rainbow shines on me, all the the while,
Into the universe, I walk on down the road of many miles,
As I enter the house of colored floors and psychedelic tiles.

On A steel horse going west, the liquid daughter rides,
But her spoken voice cannot be heard amongst the timeless tides,
The gypsy princess laughs at me while I try to hide,
But I see the door is locked that shuts in the silver bride.

In Neptune's garden I sit amongst the newgrown flowers of time,
Mercury's wink and Pluto's kiss help me along with te rhyme,
I laugh aloud, and dance and sing while silver-winged bird chimes,
I leave this place on a magic ship with the jugglers, clowns and mimes.

 

its lacking a story, making the song seem long and uninteresting.

the words are good though... I'd remove the comma after "colored floors"

 

follow the space-motifs, my 2cents! if it seems like it doesn't want to rhyme, then don't let it, as well. if you want it to, let it.

Into Psychedelia, my try at the universe!

 

Seems to me the last line should read "with" Jugglers ,clowns,and mimes. instead of and. Otherwise good try.

 

I like the words. Thanks for sharing, Citrus.