haha thank you.. if I could come I would! I'm so contradictory. I say I don't know how I feel one minute and the next one I'm like I feel like this.. but I don't really know if I do. I don't know. I sorta think I feel like this embarassing thing that needs to be hidden.
watch a bunch of really depressing stuff like hotel rawanda etc. maybe you just need to cry and let out some emotion
I am probably the same. I contradict myself over and over. Hence some of my confusing self posts sometimes. The surface ends up mostly balanced and okay but very once in awhile, you really question everything!
i think its good to question yourself though... it would be weird if a person was so even all the time and their emotions never fluctuated..it would freak me out. maybe instead of trying to figure out what you ARE, figure out what you ARENT, and that could help you narrow it down? lol i dont know. my mind works backwards sometimes.
I'm like boiling inside. But it so doesn't show on the surface.. because I'm very cool, self-controling (or restrictive?), but I don't wanna say things need to come out because I don't even know what exactly needs to come out.. if it does.. and if it did.. I feel too numb to like.. explode or something. I don't know.
yes, explosions can be bad..better to let a little out then a little more.. like recently, last time i exploded, i threw a beer bottle (dumb, i know) and it hit my fish tank- 20 gallons of water on the floor. talk about a freaking explosion, jesus christ... but it was really surreal. and it totally made me step back, like wtf am i DOING? what is WRONG with me? woah. better to explode than implode possibly oh, btw, i wasnt drinking when i threw the beer bottle. i was just insanely pissed/frustrated.
I used to really explode too. I had absolutely no self-control and would get completely overwhelmed by my emotions and.. fucking go nuts. I have really calmed down over the past year (I don't know if I gained in maturity, learned to control my emotions rather than being controled by them, or got a serious cut in my emotions.. or everything) and now I just am.. quite collected, really.. I don't really worry about stuff.. or obsess over why and how etc. the sort of things that used to make me go crazy..
the other night, I listened to some music that actually got me to have a reaction.. I cried a little.. but totally repressed it, like.. I feel like I could have burst into tears but I don't allow myself to lose control like that anymore. and like two nights ago I started crying like child over.. I don't even know why, well, I was reeeeeeeeeally drunk and alcohol does that sometimes.. but.. I swear I had like no reason to cry, like a child, really.. so I started coming up with all the reasons why I could be feeling this way.. and all I did was give lame excuses.. cause I in fact had no idea, I just felt like crying and felt like.. if I didn't justify it somehow I'd have to be going insane. it was stupid and embarassing..
You need to dance. Just get offline, turn up some good music and dance.... You'll feel a thousand times better.
We all withhold sometimes when we should speak out and speak out when we should withhold. But dwelling on the past will drive you crazy as it can never be changed. Try to concentrate on how bright your future is instead; you're a attractive, intelligent woman in the prime of her life. What could be better? If your in a funk, maybe go down to your school's gym and punch a punching bag and kick it in the nuts a few times. It might work out some frustration and get the blood flowing again.
i think crying really feels good sometimes, though. even if you can just accept it as 'pointless', ya know? but usually it has a point. it releases endorphines into your brain, which naturally boosts your brain chem. and helps you feel better... but i hate crying around people. i just feel like a loser. but sometimes if im alone or like driving and listening to a certain song and im in a mood, the music will provoke tears and i'll try to hold them back but they just wanna come out... sometimes i just wanna cry because im overwhelmed with the world being fucked
I'm not dwelling over the past at all.. nor am I feeling frustrated.. I really don't know.. I just feel like I'm insane, and like.. I'm not right.. like.. I'm lame.. and a fucking.. person who doesn't exist and doesn't matter.. and I think I feel like.. lonely. I don't know. I shouldn't have posted this.
aww..well you are definitely not lame, at all. 23 is a weird age i think. at least it has been for me. damn illuminati number its like this turning point in your life, where you start to realize that you're getting older and you have to make all these dumb decisions about "life" and stuff.. blah, sometimes i hate dealing with reality. there's bound to be massive amounts of confusion and times of dissatisfaction.
Penny i know we all have these feelings at times. just remember it could always be worse. you could be an uneducated, unemployed, skinny and sick like me. =[[[
I hate how fucking egocentric I am. Well, I'm not, but.. I don't know, I should keep my shit for myself. I not only don't make sense at all, but I'm a fucking loser haha.. I understand why I'm alone right now.
I go to school, but I'm not educated.. I am uncultered and innarticulate.. I don't have a job.. I am skinny.. and I'm apparently sick in my head haha..
maybe there's a reason for all this crap.. this sudden negativity.. well not sudden - it's been gradually increasing over the past few weeks.. but I don't know. I think it may be Xanax withdrawal. I wish I wasn't such a bad vibe. I'm disgustingly depressing and pathetic and fucking weird.. like.. I wish I was a good vibe and interesting and bringing stuff to people. I need to stop writing now or transfer this to my journal.
that could be it... also are you on birth control? sometimes that will profoundly affect a person's mood.
