Insecurity Issue

Yes, definitely great advice throughout this thread.

Now I'm just upset at myself for being open. I feel as if I messed things up with her and have that deep gut-rot feeling about it. Lovely!

 

hawt

 

If being open messed things up with her, she needs to be gone. There is no such thing as a satisfying, lasting relationship where either or both partners cannot be open about their feelings. It seems to me if you messed abything up, what you messed up was a no-strings sexual relationship that was a dead-end, which is what you specifically said you did not want. She clearly does, and the sign of that is anger when you bring up wanting more, and non-committal responses to your expressed desire for commitment. Anger is, to me, a sign that she does not wish to explore the topic, and feels imposed upon when you do. Unless you are happy to have a lopsided relationship with a partner who is unequally yolked, you've ruined nothing.

 

I think being open is a great thing. You're supposed to be open, but you also need to know how to have some distance from the all-encompassing nature of the relationship.

I wouldn't be so quick to label the relationship either. Getting angry isn't a good quality at all, but maybe she just needs time to think about it or maybe she'd just like things to flow to their natural balance and play out on their own. I can't blame her for that.

 

Ok, but why did she have to tell you about those past lovers??? ...while you are blaming yourself for everything.
Some things should just stay in the past.
What you two have between the two of you should be all that matters.
To move forward you should just tell her that you are sorry you let those things get to you and then try and patch things up.
And because they were black doesn't mean they had the biggest dick in the world or were good in bed. Regardless, who cares, she is with you now.

 

If you had read the entire thread, you'll realize that i rated this 5 stars because the guy is upset about something deeper than dick size. It main issue is communication and trust, and the reasons why both people are in the relationship.

The OP goes so far as to imply that he feels dismissed in the relationship emotionally, which is WAY more than about sexual acts being performed or not.


Your last sentence "she's with you now" is what is really being analyzed.

Is she present in mind, body, and spirit with where they want their futures to go? Granted the OP learned here he might be pushing for answers too fast and intensely, so he's told us he's take a step back and wait.

 

I agree with this, she's not worth your time.

 

This is pretty much spot on. I have no problem with my size and I'm quite confident in myself. The sex-issue is a seed to greater conflict. There is no insecurity when it comes to how I perform, but I do have an issue with the nature of her past relationships. She admitted that as a freshman she was somewhat lonely and these football players gave her some sort of attention, albeit a misguided version of it. As such, it feels as if she wants a no-strings attached type of deal and I told her I'm more interested in something real and emotional. She just responds with hesitation and frustration for me bringing it up. It's a lose-lose situation.

The hard part is that I have grown attached and a major weakness of mine is detaching myself from someone who has or will hurt me.

I've told her that I'll back off accordingly and stop pressing the issue. I've accepted the fact that it's an incredibly opaque and difficult situation but I can't seem to just "get over" her.

 

I hope that she is not leading you on. That would be cruel. I am hoping that she is just perhaps not emotionally ready to label and plan ahead and define.

What we can say at this point is you're being open and honest and however it turns out you can say that you did the respectful thing in this situation.

 

It isn't that I'm angry. I've differentiated between multiple emotions. I feel more hurt and insecure about where things will end up going. She sees the value in continuing with this, staying close, but being non-committal; I see no value in potentially being hurt again. That's where we differ, and while I've tried to communicate that I can adjust but I would like some sort of closure to help me do so, she's deflected it and acted as if she just didn't know how to proceed. For as smart as she is academically, she is incredibly confusing.

Another version I've heard is that her past lovers were a phase and were, in a way, trophies for herself. She almost relishes jealousy and likes having control (this is something I've noticed myself). I just think by committing or wanting to be official, she's ceding that control and that concerns her.

But isn't that what a relationship is about? Mutual self-reinforcement, absence of absolute control for the betterment of your partner, and a shared understanding of where you stand in the present and where you expect to be in the future?

Now, I'm not looking for a lifetime partner. This isn't a marriage issue. I just wanted exclusivity (which she claims we are) and for things to be official. But we haven't seen eye-to-eye on that and that's getting in the way of us being happy.

 

I suppose you're right. I just figured that by how inviting and emotional she was, she wanted something more with time. And that's my fault for expecting her to feel the way I did.

 

It's hard man.

I mean give it some time, but my advice is to wait a little bit see if anything changes, but brace yourself for a natural departing of ways...luckily these situations usually end up in mutual breakups without it getting too nasty.

But use condoms, don't let her trap you with a baby...

 

Ha, that's not even a remote issue in our case. But thanks.

 

Her past before she met you is her business not yours. Your jealousy or whatever is your issue not hers. Why push so hard for a relationship or something serious? Were you not happy just enjoying her and letting things just happen? Why complicate things?

 

I never said it was about dick size.
Never.
Thanks for your two cents, that's about all it was worth.

Go on and do some more analyzing, Dr. Phil of Hip Forums. Didn't even get my post right. lol.

 

Why do you think 'being official' is going to in any way diminish the potential of you getting hurt? Because it won't, if anything it will make it harder when things end.

The only way to avoid getting hurt by women is doing what I do now - being emotionally unavailable to them. The way I look at it, the 'right' one will stick around and be persistent then you know it's safe to open up.

 

Fair perspective, but I'd like you to elaborate.

What do you do if you're interested in the girl and don't want to let her get away? I just feel like you're walking a dangerous line.

 

I've come to the point in my life that I realize what is, is. And trying to control certain things will actually lead to the opposite outcome of what you want.

A girl saying she's your girlfriend has absolutely no bearing on her leaving or staying, trust me. It's not worth pushing at this point unless you want to completely push her away (which you might already have).

The only thing that might do in this kind of relationship is keep her from seeing other people, out of obligation to 'the title'. But it's a double edged sword you see.. because if she is that type anyway, then your 'title' comes with a time limit.

My point is the right one won't make you have all these worries and get you in some kind of frantic state about the future with her. Just try to look at her as good company and a good piece of ass, I'm serious. Detach.

 

Such the hopeless romantic!!! Hard shell on the outside but soft and gooey on the inside. Someone will crack you at some point.

 

Life is a crap shoot. You rolled snake eyes----roll 'em again.