Insecurity Issue

But she's failed to entertain that concern. It's a weird dynamic and I'm not interested in some psychoanalysis with her. I just want to improve on my end and, hopefully, she can meet me half way. If not, that says something in itself, and I can lay it to rest and let life take me as it may.

I think your initial plan to speak with her is the first step to improving your communication, and understanding her motivations. I also agree with your sentiments regarding a psychoanalytical performance. It seems your confidence deteriorated over night whilst considering the many negative possibilities for your situation. I would avoid over complicating things. Considering a multitude of possibilities which only serve to create more confusion, just doesn't serve you.

 

That's fair. But communication hasn't worked thus far. She's been honest about her past, yes, but with her feelings? No. I'm unable to understand that.

 

Your initial complaint was the feeling of insecurity and jealousy because she can't even verbalize her feelings for you.

Suppose you identified her "love communication" style. You already know it differs greatly from yours. Would you feel comfortable making considerations, conditioning your behavior, and compromising your feelings for the rest of your life in order to maintain a harmonious relationship?

At a certain point, I stop regarding the communication style as the culprit and begin to scrutinize the sub context of her behavior. She knows you feel insecure, yet does nothing to calm your fears. To me, that underscores ineptitude and speaks to content of her character. Do you want a woman who lacks this essential skill to mother your children? This may sound like a silly question, but I date for the long term so therefor anyone I commit to (or engage with sexual intercourse) is considered a potential life partner. Further considered for all aspects in the roles I expect them to play: Husband, Father, Caretaker, Guardian, Provider. You're fairly young, so this may or may not be a concern to you.

 

I agree with what has been already said here.

Man I this thread is the first in a long time that we've had that addresses the topic of tension in a relationship based on communication problems I think this thread needs to be immortalized here.

I'm rating it 5 stars, just because of the rarity we see this topic even discussed; especially in this context which happens to a lot of people.

 

Always nice to see you Monkjr!

 

This is where I've been getting at I think.

 

Imho, I would enjoy what you have for the moment. Don't expect too much right now.

Thinking from a realistic standpoint, you could potentially go to law school. Now, if I know anything (I know few things), its that law school is INTENSE. I have witnessed 5 good friends attend various schools across the country (Chapman, UVa, Tennessee, FSU, and Mortiz). One thing they all have in common is the rigorous curriculum. None of those friends ever had time to seriously date or be concerned with anything besides law school.

 

Yes, I agree with you. She has to be able to meet you in the middle. If this conversation here has imparted some insight, or sparked new ideas within you, you should continue to be the open person (I believe) you have been with her, and try to get her to see your end. Let her know as clearly as possible how you feel, and what conclusions you're drawing, as well as what compromises you can offer. If she still isn't ready to take a chance and share her feelings, or if she's just not on the same page, I think you know what you should do.

 

That's always the toughest! But it's better to establish that now than months down the road.

 

Update: Talked to her again about it, she refuses to talk long-term. I discussed how that leaves the door open for me being hurt. She doesn't have any response to it. It seems as if I'm a short-term answer and I told her I'm not looking for something temporary (like the football players were).

Pretty frustrating here. I can risk getting closer to her, spending time with her and being emotionally invested, only for her to change her mind and move on. That's just not how I operate, nor should anyone. It seems like way too big of a risk, and the issue is moving on past her given the fact that I haven't been involved with someone for three years. It's difficult to "let go" when you saw potential in someone.

 

You have to realize you aren't close to her, but to her potential. But we never get anyone's potential, we only get them, as they are at any given time. If you don't want to wait to see if she will someday be the person she has the potential to be with you (and... having done that before, twice, without realizing it, I wouldn't recommend it) then withdrawal might turn out to be your most prudent route. In my experience, pulling away from a partner who is on the fence tends to result in them trying to get closer to me again. What I do about that depends on the situation. I may allow it, I may withdraw further. Your mileage may vary. I just wouldn't want that response to blindside you if you choose to pull away from her.

 

There is a lot of great insight in this thread, let me try to add mine because I can sympathize with this.

I had a few relationships when I was younger where I felt this way and I learned that it seems to stem from two main things. Either she consciously or unconsciously wants the upper hand so to speak, whether to validate herself or she wants to keep control of the whole ordeal. Or she is just simply not at the same place as you (looking for commitment), maybe she is afraid of commitment or taking a serious pragmatic approach and considering the fact she is young and a lot can change over the next few years.

I have friends who started dating someone when we were young and they ended up marrying them and starting families. And the common denominator in these relationships is without a doubt that they were never made to feel this way by their future wives. Some of them just brushed stuff off easily and didn't over analyze, some were offered reassurance by the female, and some just never had that dynamic come up.

In my experience once the pushing/forcing for some kind of concrete status happens it's probably not meant to be. It should ultimately just flow especially in the beginning. Another aspect is that once you express insecurities like this, at least to a woman who isn't receptive and understanding of it, you just basically lost her respect for your manhood. I don't say this to be negative or cynical, it's just something I've learned over the years.

My advice at this point is to think about the fact that you are young, you have a bright future and that if this one isn't 'the one' you are going to be ok and there will be plenty more opportunities in the future. Convince yourself to turn down the intensity and take a more relaxed and carefree approach in terms of this relationship. You need to do it for your own sake, and I certainly don't advocate playing games but you will probably find that it will flip the script and put some worries in her mind to where she will be the one trying to lock you down. If you do it strictly for that outcome it won't work. You just need to come to the realization that there are plenty of people out there who wouldn't have you feeling this way.

When I got a little older and had that realization, it stopped happening because I didn't let myself get wrapped up with someone like that. And you also can't hold it against her, it's really unlikely she is doing it on purpose. Everyone has their own things going on in their mind. Maybe if tone down the intensity but don't do her wrong or walk away, you will find that the two of you will grow together and everything will work out. The key is just to not worry about it, just enjoy your time together for what it is.

 

What a bummer. If there is anything a relationship needs is open mind and optimistic spirit for the future.

Did she give any sort of consolation? Like, "I'm not ready to discuss the future right now, but I really like how this has been going and enjoy spending time with you." Some shred of hope or appreciation of your relationship?

 

No shred of hope. She just gets exasperated and angry and then the conversation ends. That's the disheartening part.

 

I'm stunned by the continually brilliant responses. This, like the others, helped so much.

I plan on adopting a carefree approach, a more relaxed demeanor with tempered expectations. If it works out, it does. If I come off as relaxed and secure, then I'm sure she'll inevitably gravitate toward that more and things may clear up. If not, they don't.

This was incredibly valuable insight and I appreciate it immensely.

 

I wish you good luck Cardinal!! *big hugs*

 

Run

 

Thanks! I think running would be silly, but maybe emotionally I'll detach myself and lower my expectations.

 

Yeah, don't let me project my particular fears onto you. Either way, of course, I wish you the best.

 

That really was brilliant. Definitely take that advice!