Insecurity Issue

Hello everyone! Just dropping in because I've had a continuous problem that I've been wanting to resolve for quite some time, and it's the sort of conflict that would be best solved with support from others.

I'm currently involved with a wonderful 20 year old college junior. She's absolutely fantastic, intelligent, driven, outgoing, personable and a joy to be with in any capacity. I am 20 as well, go to school with her, and share several similarities.

Sex is important to us. Our level of connection stems partially from our intimacy. It isn't the means to which I judge a relationship, but it has become increasingly evident that we share a similar perspective on the role of sex in a relationship.

However, I've come to learn about her past sexual partners. Three of them are football players on a division one college football team, one of whom she dated for about a year, and two of whom she only acted as a "booty-call" to. She's been incredibly honest and I appreciate that. But I can't shake it. I feel almost worthless knowing who she has been with sexually irregardless of my own self-worth and what I bring to the table in a variety of other ways. I'm a confident person in my own way, and our sexual chemistry is outstanding, but I can't rid myself of these past encounters. Something about a 6'3, 230 pound linebacker in bed with the girl I care about is frustrating on some levels. Yes, they're black, but this issue of mine doesn't arise from some sort of racial stigmatization or ignorant belief that they're "bigger and better" in bed. In fact, the quality of their sex doesn't mean a whole lot to me.

I still, nevertheless, cannot ignore this despite my best efforts. How do I respond to these concerns and move past them? I understand that it is her past and I have a past as well. I understand that she is with me now and that is what matters, but I still find myself concerned and borderline angered at times with it.

Any advice? I would really appreciate it.

 

You're jealous. It's natural.

"I feel almost worthless knowing who she has been with sexually irregardless of my own self worth and what I bring to the table in a variety of other ways". ----- Seems pretty clear, you need to value yourself more. The opinion of others does not determine my self worth. Long after they have come and gone, I will still be me.

She's with you, obviously because she likes you.

And who are you to judge what she likes and doesn't? My fiancé used to do this. One, he makes a lot less money than some of my exes and past suitors. He knows this - and used to be soooo bothered by it. But I chose him, if I wanted money - I would have a) kept looking or b) chosen one of my suitors. He was also jealous of their looks because he wasn't in the best shape when we first began dating. This was offensive to me, because it said a lot about the character he thought I had - judgmental, superficial etc. Once I explained this to him, he felt a bit more comfortable.

The thing about our situation, is he communicated these things to me. So I found ways to deal with them and cope as a couple. For example, now I praise his body parts that he used to be ashamed of. It has boosted his confidence tremendously. I also make it a point to let him know how proud of him I am.

 

But she only intensifies this insecurity/jealousy of mine by lacking transparency with her emotion. She doesn't explain why she's involved with me and changed dramatically. It almost, to a degree, seems like a stop-gap.

 

Ha well, some women like to illicit jealousy in men. It is an ego boost!

I call this, manipulative behavior. Instead of seeking positive responses from you, her own self worth may be reinforced by your negative response. If thats the case, its not a healthy dynamic because you seem like the type of guy who needs reassurance. And btw needing reassurance is perfectly ok!

But you need to consider that she doesn't have to explain her motivations for past relationships. That's really none of your business.

 

That's incredibly insightful. You are absolutely brilliant.

I'll see if I can raise this concern respectfully to her.

 

What exactly is your problem? Are you smaller in stature, and that's it? Is it that they are on television often? How did you come to find out who her past lovers were? Did she volunteer randomly or in context, or did you ask? I'm trying to understand the type of insecurity. It might make a difference in my answer.

Without more context, my advice is to communicate. Tell her what you've told us. She can Improve your relationship; we can't. It's good, I think, to sound it out here, but you must not fail to take it back to your girl once you know how to say what's in your heart.

Now, when I put myself in her shoes, and I sit and listen to my dude getting pissy about dudes I don't deal with anymore, I'm looking for the exit. This is more true if the only reason he knows my particulars is he asked. I would struggle to understand why he cares who I used to fuck. I would feel like he was feeling possessive, a trait that in certain contexts I find off-putting. I would start feeling stifled, and bounce. For me, you would have to couch your concerns in a way that didn't challenge my ability to see you as masculine and mature. I'm not her though.

EDIT: I know if I were you, I would wonder why someone would advise me to communicate, and then tell me they wouldn't respond well to me communicating if they were in my girlfriend's shoes. The thing is, while I don't think trying to talk it out is likely to be your shiniest moment in her eyes, I also don't see you moving forward and letting go (which is totally different from repression) unless you communicate and get closure on this issue.

 

Well thank you I appreciate the compliment and I wish you good luck!

Maybe come back and update us with the progress

Treading lightly is a great idea.

 

apparently you need to gain weight and become blacker. and probably get better at football.

 

Best way to ruin a relationship is to be jealous and wonder why they are with you. Don't make life too complicated, she is with you cause she likes you. Enjoy and stop thinking so much

 

I've received some great advice and I'll follow it, namely the over-complication of the situation and the negativity that arises with jealousy. You're right, she is with me for a reason. With that said, I would like to reply to this because of the effort you put into it and the appreciation I have for it.

I'm normal in height, an athletic build, and had offers to play collegiate soccer. So I'm not out of shape, nor do I have any defining features that would deter someone instantly. I work out, I'm conscientious with my wardrobe, and I put effort into my appearance. With that said, I am not absorbed with myself. I just have habits that carried over from my soccer career.

I had met her through mutual friends and one in particular had mentioned how she had slept with the middle linebacker on the football team (top 25 team nationally). I had always laughed it off because I never figured I would become intimate with her; I had yet to introduce myself and never considered the possibility given whom she was attracted to.

Then we started hanging out and things have progressively gotten more serious. It's been about two and a half months and we see each other daily. We have an absolute blast, see eye to eye on most issues, and love spending time with one another. Since I knew of her "history," if you want to call it that even though it sounds derogatory, I decided to ask her. I found out that there were two others, one of whom she had dated for a year or so when she was a freshman in college. The common theme was their descent and when we had sex for the first time, she had told me it was her first time with a white man. This was sort of off-putting in a way, rightfully so or not. In the last several weeks, I've raised some questions about the hook-ups with the guys and why she was attracted to them. She responded because of their size (physical size) and their status. She had also told me that she had always hated herself for doing so, felt awful afterward, and would confide in others about it.

The prevailing concern I have is the dramatic shift from her past guys to me. It isn't that I'm not confident in myself. I'm an honors candidate at a top-10 institution, plan on heading to law school, and by all accounts (I think) have redeeming qualities. I guess I'm just concerned by the validity of it. She never has really laid things out either to quell these fears, you know? I've asked what "makes me different" and she has only responded by saying she just "feels different" with me and it "scares her." She doesn't want to make things official because her ex from freshman year had cheated on her. Similarly, my last relationship of two plus years ended the same way and I think part of my confidence and security issues stem from that harsh ending. So obviously it's a combination of things, but she has done little in way of explaining her feelings, where she wants to go with this, and why she remains interested. It isn't hard to see given our pattern of sleeping together, staying overnight with each other, talking all day, and being around each other every day. I see it in the way she talks to me, but at the same time, she has been incredibly cryptic with the status of us.

 

Why not ask her, "what makes me special to you?" Instead of asking her to compare you to others...

 

I have. I've avoided comparisons. She calls, texts, wants to see me and be around me constantly. The demeanor is telling. But she has never put it into words and maybe that's an issue of mine for expecting her to. I probably just need to adjust and realize she's poor at communicating with her emotions. But even then, is it wrong to be slightly concerned with that?

 

maybe just be grateful for a while

 

I've asked what "makes me different" and she has only responded by saying she just "feels different" with me and it "scares her."

This isn't avoiding comparison.

And no, its not wrong to be concerned. You're in the early stages of a relationship, a critical time period where you decide whether you want to further the relationship or play the field.

Some might argue this, but I believe we each have a check list of items we look for in a partner. Its possible she may be able to tick off most items on your checklist but not all. It's important for you to weigh the balance and decide how important emotional communication is to you. I'm a very passionate and emotional person and I require a partner who can share in my experience. So I've chosen a person who mirrors my emotional capacity because I feel he can better empathize with me. I've dated people in the past who were emotional, but not expressive. Those relationships didn't work because ultimately, I felt alone in the process.

 

This is enlightening. Thank you.

 

CardinapRed, you seem well aware that you're an impressive man and a great catch. Why don't you think she's aware? She told you that she didn't like herself when she was with her previous dudes. It seems obvious from this distance that she likes herself more when she is with you. It sounds like she knew deep down she wasn't into those dudes. Perhaps she wants to see what it is like to be with someone she can really dig? It also seems like you are both still raw from ill treatment in the relatively recent past, and this is manifesting through her fear and your insecurity. To me, if she wasn't really into you, she would have no reason to fear you hurting her. A person is really only vulnerable if they care, right?

A final thought. Anytime I've had a breakup, the next time I entered a relationship, I did so only if the new guy was different from the last guy, and unlikely to subject me to the things I did not like about the previous ones, while possessing some of the same qualities I had admired in others in the past. Do you do the same? Do you think she might?

Erm... I lied. THIS is my final thought. It seems like your response to your pain from your ex is to seek commitment. It seems like her response to her corresponding pain is to avoid it. Maybe you two should discuss that. Also, you're both still young; how important is commitment right now?

 

You're incredible. Thank you so much! Your perspective is so helpful and put so many different issues into words.

She appears vulnerable, but my issue is that I'm interpreting this more as an unwillingness to commit because I am different from what she's used to. You're right in that she had a disdain for how she was treated (or used) and maybe that's why she's tentative. But if I'm different and she realizes that, then why the hesitation?

She has admirable qualities that my ex had and has some strengths that were weaknesses for my ex. So it's obviously a great combination. I'm not seeking commitment to heal per se; rather, I've been somewhat closed off until now so I could avoid premature drama and conflict.

I've tried bringing this up, how her past affects me whether it is justified or not, my desire to make things more official, my fear of being hurt in the long run, her hesitation, etc. She just avoids it, concedes that "that's fair," and moves on. It's a weird dynamic. I can open up about my insecurities about her ex and hook-ups, but she refuses to discuss her feelings toward me. It is honestly frustrating.

 

Your compliments are too much! I'm glad I'm helping you.

You should Google the five languages of love. One thing that has really helped me relate to others, whether romantically or fraternally, has been undrstanding what behaviors and activities make me feel loved, realizing that other people don't necessarily perceive love the same way, and noticing that most people default to expressing love the way they prefer to receive it. So, for example, I don't like for strangers to touch me, but I'm all over the people I'm close to- hugs, kisses, piggyback rides, snuggles, you name it. When my loved ones are physically demonstrative, I feel loved. One of my best friends stiffens if you want to hug her, but she always has your back. She's the last guest at every party, because she stays to help clean. I tried to teach another friend skme masonry, but he sucked, and he totally fucked my project in the ass. She stayed up with me all night, all week undoing my other friend's sloppy work, and redoing it the right way, and finishing the project. Her help saved my grandmother thousands of dollars. I'm a toucher. She's a doer. When she helps me or does something for me, she's telling me she loves me. So, she feels loved when her husband cleans dishes. I feel loved when my husband sets his alarm ten minutes early just to have time to hold me. But, because I understand my friend, I also feel loved when she helps me restore my grandmother's house.

In the past, I was able to make a relationship with a man who can't do hugging and kissing work, because I was able to understand how he gave love, and what to do to make him feel loved in return. The only reason I moved on from him was I wanted monogamy, and he didn't. Weirdly, I have made my marriage an open one, and he has begun dating one woman at a time. We remain close.

I'm wondering if an issue at play between you and this woman is different expectations of love, and if a little more understanding by either one of you (though preferably both) would bridge the divide. Do you need for her to affirm her feelings for you verbally, and because she won't you feel unloved? Is there some kther way she shlws love? Is she affectionate or gropey? Does she love to do things to brighten your day or make your life easier? Does she like to bring you gifts? Is spending time together extremely important to her? If you figure out how she shows she cares, and mirror that, she will feel loved, and may be more willing to give you he commitment you crave, which, in turn, it sojnds like will alleviate some of your insecurity.

I don't know her, so I could be waaay the fuck in left field. But. My instinct says the vulnerability is something she experiences because she has been betrayed, and that she is hoping you are trustworthy because you are different. Avoidance is fear. I wonder if she is hoping on one hand that different equals better, and on the other hand, is anxious that different is unknowable in advance, and is therefore scary. I honestly think if you can figure out how she perceives love, and expresss your love to her in that way, she will come around.

In your response, you wrote things that indicate that you acknowledge it is unreasonable to pursue someone who is just like your ex and expect to be happy. Hold onto that, and apply that logic to her. She doesn't want what she got when she was with her ex.

 

I can't begin to tell you how appreciative I am. This opens my eyes like I could never have expected. Thank you so much.

You're right when you say that we have different versions of love and what makes us happy. It seems as if I'm projecting my version onto her and unnecessarily so. I think relationships are about adaptation in a way and to some degree we need to meet in the middle. It's discussing this issue that is more or less problematic now.

Her avoidance, coupled with her past, obviously frighten me. That combination is difficult to reconcile, because it's almost as if I'm waiting for her to "relapse" (forgive the term) and revert back to her previous interests. So naturally I'm afraid of that potentially happening.

It's odd. She's cried before when I left one night out of frustration because we were getting nowhere and she came off as unusually nonchalant. I didn't expect that whatsoever. But when it comes down to it, the details are avoided and that comes off as if she doesn't have a reasoning for being interested in me. Am I temporary? If so, that's a problem for me, and I've communicated that. But she's failed to entertain that concern. It's a weird dynamic and I'm not interested in some psychoanalysis with her. I just want to improve on my end and, hopefully, she can meet me half way. If not, that says something in itself, and I can lay it to rest and let life take me as it may.