Initiating and having more sex

So my wife and I have been together for almost 5 years. Over the past couple years, the frequency of sex has decreased to about once a week. That being said, I am the one in the relationship that would prefer more sex.. as in 3 times a week. Furthermore, she doesn’t like to initiate sex and that is frustrating. It makes me feel like she doesn’t find me attractive anymore (she swears that she does, but just doesn’t feel comfortable initiating). We have had numerous conversations on the subject and she promised to “do better.”


Our conversations haven’t seemed to help the problem—The frequency of sex hasn’t changed and she still doesn’t like initiating the act.


What do I do? I’m tired of having these conversations and complaining — but I refuse to “give in” and jack off to satisfy my desires.




Please help!

 

You want sex three times a week. You have sex once a week. From that I conclude that she says No twice a week.

First I would look at those times that she says No. What is it that she would rather do than have sex. What activity is your request interrupting.

Then I would look at those times that you don't ask. Might she be interested at some of those times, but you are doing something else and don't ask.

BTW, re: "I refuse to “give in” and jack off to satisfy my desires"
If you see sex with your wife as a (vastly superior) equivalent to masturbation, there might be a clue there.
If jacking off gets you to the same place you want to be after having sex with your wife, you might consider that her vision of sex leads to a different destination than your vision.

 

Has anything changed over the past five years? I’ve only been married a little over a year but I don’t initiate, I just like it when my husband does. I think if you initiated and she was more agreeable then you probably wouldn’t care if she initiated. (Just guessing there)

I would explain how you feel and that you miss her in that way. If it continues, I wouldn’t let your feelings go ignored. I don’t think it would make me feel good if my husband had sex with me only because I wanted it. So, you probably want to know why she isn’t interested. If she was interested, you’d be doing it.

 

Deidre,

You are right. The problem is, I have already discussed this with her say 5 times or more. It may get better for a month (more like a week) and then we are back at square one. To your point, it wouldn’t be so bad if she was accepting most of the time, but she’s not. Add the fact that she doesn’t initiate and it just puts me in a bad position. Men want to feel wanted by their partner, as I am sure most women want the same.

So, my question is still, what should I do now? We’ve talked several times and I’ve explained my feelings to her.

 

But there is a reason she turns you down and it might have nothing to do with you. Sounds like when she’s doing it, it’s just to appease you. Maybe counseling together? I don’t know the whole story so it’s hard for me to say where’s she coming from right now.

 

This is not a critique of Deidre, just a question for women in general. If you like it when your husband initiates don't you think he'd like it if YOU initiated once in a while? Why does he always have to get things started?

 

Only speaking for me, my husband is dominant and I like that...A LOT. I’m not a dominant type, so not sure how it would play out.

 

If the issue is truly that initiating it makes her uncomfortable, why don't you change how it is initiated?

Must it be verbal or physical? What if she left something sexy on the bed? A toy, perhaps...or some lingerie. Some sort of signal that she is interested and wants you, but in a way that doesn't make her feel awkward.

We do this sometimes, though it's more about being playful than avoiding awkwardness.

 

Have you tried giving her "the look"?

 

Noserifer, that’s a great idea. I think I will mention that to her and see if it helps..

 

Dude, there are a million threads like this. You dont think its been like this for almost every husband since the dawn of time?.

Why on earth did you think she wasnt going to get bored with the same thing 5, 10, 20 years down the track???

There is no answer, its only going to get worse

 

My wife and I have been together for 45 years. We had sex yesterday which was great. We had sex again tonight. A soak in the hot tub, a adult beverage, then some mind blowing, toe curling sex.
Make it interesting and fun.

 

You should probably let her know that you're very serious.

 

Thing is, sex becomes repetitive and uninteresting. That's the truth. You always need to spice things up if you don't spice it up you'll just fall into this sexless group. Both parties need to be woed into this. You can't expect things to spice up if your sex life is stagnant and the same IMO, becomes a chore. Nobody likes doing chores.

Start exploring role-playing scenarios, I find they're the best thing to keep sex interesting. And get into the roles too. This way you can have sex with many women of your desire, if you and your wife have the imagination to do so.

 

Is she on any type of hormonal birth control?

Hormonal birth control lowers my sex drive big time. So that’s just an option to look into.

I think most women are so used to being the pursued rather than the pursuer. We’re not accustomed to it so it makes us feel awkward. I agree that maybe she could find other ways to initiate without coming right out with it. Maybe just a casual back rub and then her hands start to wander... Or a lingering kiss.

 

I feel sorry for you I have been with my wife 57 years and we keep ourselves fit we both go to the gym and our sex drive is wonderful.I met my wife at a dance she had been with a few guys before me and I said l had been with many women we got married 2 years later we have a wonderful sex life which we have six wonderful children

 

it makes men feel awkward too, we just have no choice.

was it not true?

 

I had the same situation so I let her walk in on me masterbating. I simply said, I gotta get the poison out with or without you. Now she asks all the time if I want a hand job or head. Sometimes this in itself turns her on and boom we start.

 

That’s intriguing. How long has it been since this happened? And by “all the time,” what do you mean?? Once a week, 3 times a week, every day?

 

She asks me about 1 to 2 times a week but sometimes I still need to ask her for a little trim when she forgets. Regardless, it works. She feels that if she doesn't do it I will be tempted to go elsewhere. Bit I wont. I look at butts and I tell her because she loves girls butts too but I will never stray away. I love her enough to never let that happen