in way over my head

A 16 y/o needs both his parents. Having us separate is far worse than the household we have. Seriously just tonight husband I discussed registration, dog, nephews, had dinner. We're normal, but he KNOWS it's based mostly in being partners in parenting, in home ownership, in financial help to each other. Plus if he has to switch houses back and forth, it'll be a pain and unfair to him. I really appreciate your view, but I'm very decided on this aspect of my life.

 

Oh, I'm not trying to change your mind or anything and I actually respect your decision- and I'll go as far as to say I think it may actually be the better choice. (although it's hard for anyone but you guys to know that)... but anyways, I edited my post since you replied and added some stuff. (that kinda explains what I was thinking when I wrote that question... like, part of what I was wondering is if part of why you stay with him is because you really do love him?).... and btw, I'm not going to go into too much detail in your thread right now but I have been married for just over ten yrs and have lived with my husband for 13 years (we have one kid- a 2 yr old) and there are certain things that I can understand about your situation just based on how my own marriage has def. had it's ups and downs..and one thing I can understand is the determination to stay- for me I am also determined to stay together (we are doing good currently and have been for quite a while though, years....before that, we had rough patches)....but anyways... yea, if you wanna re-read my post because of the edit/addition.

 

Whether he loves me or doesn't.....I'm done. He doesn't take initiative, he is a scaredy cat, no discipline, hoarder, not social, no energy, indecisive, .... neurotic, hypocrite, selfish, narcissistic. Shall I go on? I'm done.

 

So, her husband's feelings (if he were to find out) don't matter at all?
Doing the right thing doesn't matter at all?

And btw, about something said in a previous post... the reason me and at least one other asked about age is not just because at a certain age you'd think people would have figured out how things are and how things go... but also (for me at least), because my the age of over 50, you'd think that sex would be...I don't wanna say unimportant but not so important that you put it ahead of PEOPLE and doing the right thing for other people. It just seems immature to say "well, I don't care who I hurt because my sexuality is very important to me and I'm gonna sleep around and have a fun time and explore my sexuality because I love doing so"... when that seems more the mind set of a much younger person... even by MY age (33), people have usually- started to enjoy sex MORE (I'm talking about females), but have learned to put it into perspective as just a piece of the puzzle- not nearly the entire thing... and to realize that in life you really should be putting people and feelings and what is right ahead of selfish pleasures.

But I will stop now about the morality issues and why it is wrong to cheat.

Yea, so it's helpful to encourage "finding the person who's right for you" (or whatever exact words you were saying in your previous post to the OP) when that person is already married AND has a 16 yr old kid living with them and their spouse who likely will notice behavior like that and think it's a way to act (children...including teenagers) model the behavior of their parents...

 

Okay.
Well, what I had meant to ask (and thought I asked) was if YOU love HIM? I have since finished the whole thread and saw someone else posted that you had stated you DON'T love him?
anyways, yea, it seems like you've made up your mind about those issues.. it's just sort of sad to be resigned to staying with someone that you really don't like at all all that much.




well, in any case, I don't really have much else to say..
except that one thing you may want to consider which has nothing to do with leaving or staying is...
that since you are determined to stay in your marriage and also determined that you want to sleep with other people... maybe it would be beneficial to talk to your husband and tell him (since you stated earlier that your husband knows you are not happy and don't want to be with him anymore- and that he has said the same things to you), either how you have slept with other people OR that you want to...and that you can stay together as you have been for the kid(s)?.... and continue to function as a family unit but that this is a part of yourself that you need for yourself and you don't want to be dishonest about it and you're not going to change it, but that you want to be respectful enough to tell him about it. maybe tell him that you don't mind if he does the same or not...
(obviously don't do this if your husband has a tendency for violence or you fear anything like that in any way!)---- I think it's very possible that if you did that you would find it very freeing and fulfilling in various ways.
just a thought though... obviously take it or leave it.

 

I agree, it would be great to have it open. He couldn't deal with knowing it. One of his skills is to avoid avoid avoid. It's exactly why we haven't cured any of our marital problems, no matter how many ways I suggested that we do it.

Once I got so wrapped up in the man-subject of this thread, back in April or so, I broke it to husband I would no longer work at the marriage. So that was my effort to be honest without completely divulging something that would hurt him. As unfair as I was being it bothered me that I might be misleading him into something that wasn't real. So we co-exist the best way we can.

BTW, when I decided to not work at the marriage it wasn't because I wanted a future with this man-subject. It was because I could see I was truly open to seeking out something far different than I've had for 28 years.

 

So, your marriage has been that unhappy the whole entire time?

 

Terrible ups/downs the entire time. Then good jobs, kids, house, money and it took off in a good direction. About 12 years ago, it smacked me in the face how bad it was. I resigned to it.

 

polyamory isn't easy is it?

 

^^^ that's not supposed to be negative, just real from my experience.

 

Isnt that just a diplomatic way of saying there is nothing he can do about it anyway?

 

What do you say when he asks why are you home late or where were you? You just lie? No one deserves to be lied to, no matter how bad the marriage is.

Anyways, to get back on topic....doesn't sound like he is that much into you. He wants to be with the other woman, you are probably just a casual thing he had fun with.

 

I never interject in other people's relationships. Each time I ended up in that peculiar position, it has turned out bad. Once, I was in Santa Barbra and another man's wife walked out to my truck with me. That was when all the problems started, and we never did anything other than talk. I prefer the exclusive type of relationship, because it is so much less stress than having a third soul in the picture.

 

You might want to read about being Separated Living Under The Same Roof.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kate-scharff/separated-under-the-same-_b_3375154.html

That's the first article I read when I searched just now. I'm sure there are tons more to read.

My husband and I have been separated under the same roof for 5 1/2 years. Our kids are grown so that wasn't an issue. It was just a natural evolution of our relationship, which was poly prior to this.

Every relationship is different but it might help to read about how others are working it out.

 

thanks Aeri. It feels like it's been that way already for me. For him, it's a whole new concept.

 

Is he getting laid too?

 

You gotta level the field with him.

Let him read about being separated under the same roof.

 

Even better, find him a mistress.