in way over my head

Discussion in 'Free Love' started by calgirl, Aug 11, 2013.

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  1. Gongshaman

    Gongshaman Modus Lascivious

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    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMrElD7mgWo"]ELMORE JAMES The Sky is Crying - YouTube
     
  2. calgirl

    calgirl Senior Member

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    Yes i readily i admit im needy. It sucks and parts about me are flawed. Yet this is about "we" not me. i am trying to understand, not get sympathy. I dont want to mess up the next serious person nor the rest of my life. THese disastors i cause that i am in are choice, and risky. Still they are happening and its real feelings.
     
  3. AmericanTerrorist

    AmericanTerrorist Bliss

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    I understand what you are saying totally and you're right. The feelings are real and none of what anyone said means they can't or don't suck.

    But, sometimes, in situations like that... you just have to accept that things are not the way you want them to be and you don't any place to have expected more, so you just gotta deal with it and move on emotionally.
     
  4. RainyDayHype

    RainyDayHype flower power Lifetime Supporter

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    it seems like you're both swingers and you finally started to have deeper feelings for someone...
    maybe he felt it too and got scared?..
     
  5. deviate

    deviate Senior Member

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    You are a hell of a woman. Just wanted to say that.

    I think either way it's fucked. The kids that is. The best time for a marriage to end is early on, when the kids are young.

    I'm not sure you really know what you are talking about, because my mom straight rolled out when I was 14 for another man and I'm doing good by outside perspective. But I've had all kinds of relationship and interpersonal issues that I think stemmed from that abandonment. I'm starting to wonder if I will ever have a healthy, long term relationship and family. And that really sucks.

    But on the other hand, staying and having a 'fuck buddy' would probably equally as damaging if not more, if the kid were to find out.

    And to answer the original question - it sounds like he's not so much worried about emotions or attachments, just that this lady is available so to speak. So he can get pussy and get his house cleaned or whatever rather than doing it himself. I sense a mama's boy (he plays tennis for god's sake), that was never taught to be a man with integrity as Mel highlighted.
     
  6. calgirl

    calgirl Senior Member

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    There thousands of people that left their marriages and the kids are fucked up. Damage happens in both decisions. Hell.....damage happens in regular households. All you high and mighty....sorry i dont view you that way.
     
  7. calgirl

    calgirl Senior Member

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    Thanks to you....melia, duck, deviate, rainyday, and other few. I appreciate your perspective.
     
  8. deviate

    deviate Senior Member

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    Was that to me?

    I'm not being judgmental. Do I think you've made the smartest set of decisions? No. But I'm not gonna judge.

    Just offering insight from a man's perspective. I've had a lot of sex partners, and flings. Just turned down an opportunity because the woman was married. I don't want any part of that. My boss was giving me shit because they all seem to think I'm just a pussy hound, but I was like look I do have certain things I won't do. Dickheads.

    I will say that I'm sorry you are in this situation. It sounds pretty bad first of all to be 'trapped' in a marriage like that.
     
  9. AmericanTerrorist

    AmericanTerrorist Bliss

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    Calgirl.... I'm getting ready to sign off of here for the night but if you answer this (because only if you want to... if you don't feel like getting into all this on here, I understand), then I will defiantly check for your reply tomorrow..

    But I was wondering- in what way(s) does your husband neglect you? And have you considered, or tried to, (REALLY, TRULY, w EFFORT) work on your marriage at all??
     
  10. calgirl

    calgirl Senior Member

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    The marriage is over. We will forever be linked. We built an amazing life and will be grandparents together and landlords. Did i try? Oh god i pleaded, cried, suggested, opened up, begged, demanded, bribed, but he doesnt care about the happiness of others. Indifference and apathetic. HE was a mistake but we made the best of it.
     
  11. calgirl

    calgirl Senior Member

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    Deviate...thanks for your input.
     
  12. drumminmama

    drumminmama Super Moderator Lifetime Supporter

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    I can't tell you what this guy is thinking, and he might not be able to, either.

    I can offer some different angles.

    If you are staying with your husband for a while, he may read that as "unavailable except for sex."
    So, with the other, more available woman, he might be willing to invest more of his emotional energy, relationship building and such.

    Some people have the once a cheater, always a cheater mentality, and not trust someone they cheated with.

    As for your continued flirtation, path of least resistance, perhaps?

    It sucks to be in a bad monogamous relationship and need to stay for the benefit of kids, even for a while.
    At that point, all choices have flaws, and as you see, many judges.
     
  13. SatanicSultana

    SatanicSultana Guest

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    "It's hard to accept it wasn't meaningful"..... Ummm, but it WASN'T. Unfortunately this is a perfect example of lopsided 'relationships'. What it starts out as for both parties ends up being something different for one. You use the term 'fuck exclusive'. This is what people describe an affair when they actually want something more than the other but are too scared to call their feelings what they are.
    You are cheating on your husband and he sounds like a serial cheater so did you actually think you were any more to him than a screw? As harsh as it sounds you were no more important to him than a casual bang and only slightly more important than his dominant hand. He is a guy. He will tell you what you want to hear to get into your pants. As with most arrangements that start out this way they are nothing more than a stop gap measure until the next great piece of ass comes along. Although I guess it won't be long until he gets bored with her and seeks out another woman with which to discuss "marriage issues, affairs and fuck relationships" with.
    While you are trying to "figure out" your relationships how about be honest with your husband. A neglectful marriage isn't a reason to cheat. Get out of it the respectful way.
    I don't mean to come across uncaring and unsympathetic because I really do get what you are saying here. I understand how frustrating a marriage like you describe is. I was in one myself for seventeen years and also have a child. I agree what a previous poster wrote in regards to using children as a crutch or an excuse to not make the hard choices. Kids pick up on more than what you realise they do and that is going to screw them up equally as much. They know when something is wrong. They see your behaviour when sneaking around with other men when you tell yourself they would have no way of knowing.
    You teach your children how to behave in life. You think you are doing the right thing by staying but all you are teaching them is to cheat, lie and manipulate or be a door mat for their partner who is. You teach them they either don't deserve better or are so self entitled they don't owe the other respect. After all... why do they need self esteem when their mother has never put hers to good use? If you think they don't pick this up then you are either oblivious or lying to yourself.
    I've shown my daughter that she doesn't have to settle for an unhappy marriage. I've shown her she doesn't need to index her self worth to a penis.
     
  14. Vanilla Gorilla

    Vanilla Gorilla Go Ape

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    I will take an opposing view to most that have answered in this thread (as in stupid talk about 'integrity'), but still come off a bit negative:

    1. Seriously, it took you 4 months to get his pants off?

    2. Casinos, dinners, how much of that ended up costing HIM?

    3. And then you start wanting to latch on and get exclusive?


    This thing with the other and moving in, probably just a story he tells each woman once they start to get clingy.

    Does it never register that maybe just maybe, if it didnt take so bloody long for them to get to the fun stuff (1), they didnt have to pull out the credit card too often (2), you didnt end up trying to control them (3).......that you'd have a far easier time getting the hot ones....and more importantly if you did have an easier time getting the hot ones you'd never get to (3)

    You can take Mellai's advice, but you know from the past 28 yrs where that gets you, or kick it in to turbo and go full throttle the other way.

    4 months of talking before jiggy jig? Fuck me dead.
     
  15. Meliai

    Meliai Banned

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    thanks deviate, you're awesome.

    I can really understand both points of view. I believe I've debated with calgirl before that it was better to split up than stay together for the kids because kids pick up on that unhappiness in the home. I used to literally pray every night that my parents would split up when I was a kid. I don't want to get too deep into my issues now but something worse than divorce happened so I've always had the mindset that divorce is not the worst thing that can happen to a kid, and if a home is particularly unhappy sometimes it can be the best thing to happen.

    I understand a little better now why people choose to stay together for kids. I can't imagine taking my child away from his father or putting him in the position where he is just a weekend dad. I think you really have to weigh the benefits of every outcome in this situation because it really varies on an individual basis.

    calgirl, I am sure your situation must suck and I don't really blame you for seeking out happiness where you can find it. I think you've maybe been judged too harshly by some in this thread. If I were too offer any advice to you I would say don't get caught up in the bullshit and the drama of these pseudo relationships you have. You've made the decision to stay with your husband so you know that your affairs can't ever really develop and deepen. Focus on your kids, have sex on the side if it makes your life a little more bearable, but don't expect an affair to be more important in your life than it really is.
     
  16. YouFreeMe

    YouFreeMe Visitor

    Good luck calgirl.

    I go along with a few others and believe that this man is dishonest. This is the problem with cheating on a husband: people willing to have sex with a married women are probably of questionable morality themselves. This is the risk inherent in cheating; you slip into a world where everyone else has given up on honestly, at least in that way.

    Does your husband know about this? You guys spent "a ton of time together"? Where did your husband think you were, and if you don't want your kids to find out, where did THEY think you were?
     
  17. calgirl

    calgirl Senior Member

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    Oh yes he is dishonest, but so am I. We both do things that we both have discussed as being far from trustworthy for our futures. I think sometimes his moving in with her is a way for himself to correct that. My problem is that I'm having trouble accepting it, and I feel partly I'm stubborn, partly I'm angry, and partly he seems as attached to me as I am to him.

    VG, these kind of relationships are not calculated. I've contributed to paying for as many nights/days out as he has. The initial months were toward establishing a friendship, and it was not expected it would go anywhere. Both of us are surprised.

    I know it's completely unreasonable.....this whole outcome. Yet I'm trying to present it all as objectively as I can so that I can get unstuck.

    As for explaining my absence. My husband is as "head in the sand" about this as he is about any other problem. Denial, avoidance, dense.

    I wish people would just get off the thing about my decision to stay in the home. You know, this is very personal and I'm not changing my mind.
     
  18. NoxiousGas

    NoxiousGas Old Fart

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    It's funny how "this man is dishonest" and shit. No he was honest from the start according to calgirls posts. He told her there was at least one other woman, he told her about deep feelings for another woman and he made a decision.
    Doesn't sound very dishonest.

    on the other hand;
    Calgirl, how many affairs is it now?
    How many one-night stands or brief fllings?
    You even briefly considered doing porn.

    Come on people, pull you heads out you butt!!!!!

    Calgirl has readily admitted to multiple affairs going back a few years.
    Who is the honest one in this scenario??????????

    Sorry, I'm not buying into this martyr bullshit.

    I think we should get calgirls soon to be ex-hubby on here and get his side of the story.
    I mean if she is always so eager to air and share her dirty laundry, it's only fair we hear his side of it.

    Something tells me he isn't as bad as calgirl paints him, probably just another defense mechanism to validate/justify her infidelity, or at the very least to try and garner sympathy from people, as she has done on more than one occasion/thread here.


    Yup, I'm an asshole, but I'm that naive'.
     
  19. YouFreeMe

    YouFreeMe Visitor

    Deviate, I find cheating inherently dishonest, in many ways.
     
  20. calgirl

    calgirl Senior Member

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    nox .... calm down. You can be suspicious of me, but you're wrong. One thing that is happening in my life is coming full circle. It's about sexuality, about independence, about not having shame, about strength, about vulnerability, about adventure, about experience. I can't adequately depict character when you consistently pre-decide about me.
     
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