In a very happy relationship but can't stop thinking of sex outside of it

This is a bit of a long thread but please bare with me as I am pouring my heart out.
I am writing this thread here because I feel tired by my splitted behaviour inside my relationship . On one side I am the faithful, respectful, considerate, empathic and caring partner. On the other side I can't stop looking at other girls with a very strong desire to approach them and considering some affaire with them. I feel very drained and confused.

I read so many articles saying that wanting to cheat is a sign that there are some needs within the relationships that are not met. But in my case , it's completely the opposite! I have every need met, which it makes me think sometimes that my relationship is too good to be true because of how great it is.

Nevertheless I have an intense hunger for sex that I can't stop thinking about exploring other girls, other races and so on.

Some background to put my behaviour in context :

1)I am a late bloomer, I had my first sexual experience at the age of 24. I was pretty much a nerd and I used to fantasise a lot about sex, by watching a lot of porn. (stopped watching for a year now)
Only after 2 years of becoming better with women I met my girlfriend, I immediately fell in love and saw great potential in her of being an intimate partner. I gave up all the girls and contacts that I had for her. (In total it's 9 partners in 2 years but I met her in my peak of my confidence , the last weeks before meeting her , I was dating a couple of girls and feeling like finally going to discover myself by this sexual land that was awaiting for me)
I know this sounds shallow as I am myself into a deep intimate relationship with a rock solid connection but I feel like I just can't help myself.

2)My dad cheated on mom a couple of times and we suffered as a family because of it. He has a very high libido which I feel like I inherited it from him. I swore to myself that I will never be like my dad but it crushes my heart that I am feeling that I have a ticking bomb inside of me named having an affaire. Today it was very strange , I felt like I was literally a robot guided by my penis. I saw a hot girl in the train station and I just found myself following her like a creep just to have extra glances at her. So I feel like no matter how much self control I have on myself, after a couple of years that moment seems inevitable .

How would you approach this ?

Edit :
I made some soul searching about it and I thought it's because of self esteem issues that I needed an attractive girl to validate my worth as a guy who can attracts beautiful women (since it was an issue for me in the past) but the problem is that even now that I have a healthy self esteem and I don't feel the need anymore for any person to validate me , I still feel that I have an extreme urge to explore attractive young looking women . Just looking at their hair , their eyes, their legs , their tone of voice make me go crazy. I feel like I can't resist their femininity . So I am pretty confused , why this is this way

 

whatever u do, don't cheat!!!

 

I know this intellectually and spiritually even. I just feel like slowly my libido is taking over. That's why I am writing this post... For practical advices to avoid this!

 

um... i always can't believe it when people can't figure out not to cheat.

I was single throughout my twenties, so it's easy for me to say. I didn't have one serious relationship.

& To be honest, I didn't read that. I like paragraphs and punctuation. But anyway...

If you're thinking about cheating, don't. There's no stupider thing you can do. I learned the hard way; by cheating on someone I cared about. Then I developed feelings for the woman I was cheating with. They knew each other and were acquaintances from school.

Anyway, long story short: I told her I cheated. It was a mess. It couldn't be fixed and in the long run I had to walk away from the relationship.

& I never went back to relationships after that. I got lucky a few times, and now I'm single for eternity! lol That last part is me joking, but in all seriousness I have problems with relationships now. I can't fathom the thought of commitment; which is possibly something entirely different, but decidedly not totally unrelated.

Don't do it.

 

Put blinders on

 

That's the problem, the more you get into casual sex, the more the idea of commitment becomes alienated . I logically know that being single and just having casual sex would make me empty and unhappy in the long run. I prefer staying in the relationship and do my everything to change my behaviour because I am very happy already!

 

For real ? Is this how your best answer for someone being vulnerable ?

 

Just go for a social sex relationship,. Similar to open relationship except you only date/share emotions for the person you're with, everyone else is socially active fun.

Works well.

 

Some people can't separate emotions from sex, because they don't want to.

 

Well, open relationship then. There's some relationship status for anyone into anything.

It's all about what you want out of it. If being confined to one person just isn't who you are, don't do it to yourself. Just scour the internet to read the psyche of someones mind that did that to themselves. Never ends good.

 

I don't know. I'm going to have to think about this. It's a good thing that you have the ability to recognize that what you logically know you want is a committed relationship with your girlfriend.. Rather than just changing your mind all the time about what you think you want. How would your girlfriend feel about Irminsul's suggestion of an open relationship?

 

Eeep. I think you gotta be pretty strong in the relationship to open it. It must be very hard for one side of the relationship to stay mono while the other goes poly unless you have some awesome communication and of course, boundaries. Boundaries are always fun.

I don't think it's out of the ordinary to feel like the OP, I know I do, actually stupidly similar positions. I have been in relationship since I was 15ish, I'm now 32 and over a year married. I love the woman, yet knowing these so much more to explore is a crucial element in my life, regardless if my actual relationship is ideal, which it is, even the thoughts of experiencing something less desirable, is still an experience I'd like to have. By that I mean less fun interesting sex with someone else, would still be an experience.

Luckily my wife understands and appreciates who I am as a person and what my ideals are in life so she's on board with me. Communication and on the same level which is good, she's not judgemental about it actually she fully understands and comprehends why.

But if your partner is not open to this then there's 2 choices. Stay or bounce. But if you stay you might miss out on things while you're able, as opposed to getting everything out of your system.

I'm clingy and need adoration from my wife, So I'm happy to bake a cake and I want to eat it too hehe.

 

I genuinely find your relationship quite inspiring, Irm.

 

I think one of the biggest hangups for the discussion topic is one half thinking there'll be associated feelings with the sex, as emotions are used etc. But the OP sounds like they just want a good time so to speak.

So my advice is to talk about a 3som first then have one. Now that's an experience ticked off, plus you also showed your partner how social sex actually is as it's meant to be enjoyed yeah?

I always found inspiration from single people who could achieve this without a moral hangup or subjection, that was until I realised I could achieve this inside of a relationship too.

I don't expect it to work for everybody and I know some people would frown at the idea, but it's an idea and it's 2019 now and there's a ton of random relationships that seem to work for the people into all sorts of different chemistry. I don't think any idea is bad if it works for you.

I guess it just comes to what you actually want in life and to me that just seems to get more difficult as I get older and I see all these things I still want to do, but I see my years and my stamina also running out hehe.

But I want to turn 40 like hell yeah! I did all that. I don't want to be turning 40 wondering if I'll ever get a chance. That's a consequence I don't want.

As for my relationship, it's not like I'm out with anybody new every weekend lol or month or months... It's just, if something were to happen, we're all good with that.

Also shit changes every 5 years or so. I am not into what I was into when I was 25 and into everything I wasn't into lol. So you can't like, nail yourself down because everything changes as you get older and experience more and I kinda like that, keeps me on edge, keeps me living for new desires and experiences.

 

It's all about being that individual you are. Embrace it. It's you.

 

Of course I thought about it and even though I was introducing the idea pretty much indirectly and with much consideration she rejected it immediately. She's extremely monogamist at heart. She can't see herself thinking about other guys other than me. And I don't want to be the selfish one who just cares about his own desires while deeply hurting the other. I know by claiming that I want an open relationship, she will say yes because she loves me so much but how can I look at myself in the mirror again if I know I am having more fun in life at the expense of heartaches of the closest person to me ??? I feel like I am fulfilled already, why I can't stop thinking about this bonus experiences is what makes me confused! Is it greed ? Do I have greed in my soul that I need transcend ?

 

I don't think it's greed, you probably already have feelings like that though, or that you're selfish and why can't you just be like everyone else... Like you said... But I honestly see this as a dilemma for a lot of people, I think the more you open up and talk to people you'll see common traits with many.

I think there's always going to be a sense of wondering for people in long term relationships, especially if they're like school lovers who've known no else. Thanks to social media, we're kind of led to believe that people are having all this unconditional casual sex with one another and you know, all that bullshit can mind fuck a person too, leaving you feeling empty and unsatisfied.

But your partner needs to understand that and understand the implications it has on you in terms of anxiety or depression and what effects its actually having on your psyche and if they don't take that seriously, that might be saying something unfortunately.

 

What if there's a middle ground ? What if instead of wether suppressing the libido or completely giving up to it, channel it actually to one person ? I have a hard time believing that because there are people whose psyche suffered because of not being able to control it or channel it the right way , that this portion of people represent the outcome of all people in the world who have the same challenge. What about the possibility of those people who learned to channel it only to one person and are healthy at the same time, that you don't hear about quite often ?
For me it makes sense that you will mostly hear about negative situations more than positive ones, because if you are happy with your relationship or your life , why would you lose your time by ranting about in forums or to friends ? It's mostly the unhappy or struggling people that rant about their lives , like what I am doing here!

 

Oh, he's like a little puppy dog

 

That's your own interpretation based on your own projections. Your answer is pretty expectable. You even probably think that I am living in a pink idealistic world where I put my girlfriend on a pedestal and believing everything she says without "knowing her true dark secrets and fantasies".
Me and my girlfriend are open about everything, I even shared with her that I look at other girls in trains and have sexual thoughts about them. This made her cry and she answered me that she doesn't fantasise about other guys. Of course being the jerk I used to be I was laughing about such statement and confronted her by making her feel that "it's healthy and okay to find other guys attractive and that she doesn't need to hide it" but she claimed that she doesn't even feel the need to. I still challenged her many times about this statement until she started to genuinely get bothered by it because I was not accepting who she truly was by trying to force my conception about her on her. She notices good looking men like good looking women as fine pieces of art, nothing more. She doesn't fantasise about them. Without that intimate emotional connection, they are basically like objects for her and this opened my eyes to the limited prototypes I had about people in general.
I've heard actually also this before from a guy who's not even in a relationship but had a hard time believing it because I was projecting my beliefs like the way you are doing right now.
There's a term called AWALT created by the MGTOW community (a community of bitter men against all women without exceptions) which means All Women Are Like That, but of course it's bullshit because humanity is not a prototype. Everyone is shaped differently and not all girls like attention outside the relationship or fantasise about other dudes like what you seem to believe.