I'm trying

I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess because I really just need to get these feelings out somewhere. I feel so defeated right now. I feel like no matter how hard I try to help the people I love, I can't. I have brought immense stress and pressure on my life trying to help the people I love most in the world with their mental illnesses because I thought I could help them. I thought I could be there for them and not lose myself in the process but I was wrong. I feel like I've literally given every ounce of positive energy that I had in me and nothing has changed. Sometimes it will seem better for a while but it always comes back to this. And at this point I feel like crawling up in a ball and going to sleep forever. I want to give up but I feel so stuck like I couldn't give up even if I do want to. I can't hide from any of this because I brought it on myself. Im just tired. And I feel alone. I can't have my own feelings around anyone else because I have to be constantly concerned with their feelings and wellbeing. I don't know what to do.

 

I used to be like that. My conscious worked so hard that I'd try and do anything I could for people even if that meant not having a good time or that I would put someone else before myself to help them.

Around.. 28years of age, I'm 30 now, I had a few experiences that were unpleasant and I quickly learned if I don't look after myself first then people are going to walk right over me. So I just stopped caring. I made a silent new years resolution in 2017, I told myself of I didn't want to do something then I wouldn't. And I didn't. And honestly I've never felt better.

Even if they're family, they have a habit of walking over you. Just put your foot down and realise no matter how selfish it seems, that you need to worry about yourself in life, not other people. It's all great to try and help one's you love, but ask yourself do they help themselves and if that answer is no then why are you helping someone that won't help themselves. It's just a waste of time, waste of life IMO. What's the point in living if you aren't enjoying your experiences? So put yourself as #1 for a while. you ain't getting out of this world alive and you got one shot at life. Spending that without joy doesn't sit well with me.

 

I wish I could but if I do the people I love will be out on the street with no place to live and no one to help them. I can't let that happen. So as tired as I am I have to just keep going. I feel a little better today. I signed myself up for therapy which I think will help. Because even just typing out my feelings here helped tremendously.

 

You need to get professional help for THEM, before they drag you down to the level that you need help yourself.

While the way mentally ill people were treated 100 years ago was disgraceful, too much kindness and ignoring the antisocial aspects of their behavior will make their problems worse.

It is like trying to help a chronically obese patient by feeding them burgers.

 

Sorry to hear that you and they are dealing with this.

Do you want to say more about what is going on and what illnesses they have?

 

You can only help others with mental illness if you yourself are strong. Step back and get help with your own problems. Then maybe you will be of help to your loved ones.

 

Thank you. I am doing a little better now. but as far as what's going on, my fiance has severe anxiety and depression and he is an alcoholic. He is unable to work because of it and has a hard time even doing anything at home anymore. So I work 3 jobs and do 90% of all the household chores now. I also just moved my best friend in with me because she also has severe depression and anxiety and alcoholism. She has attempted suicide twice and was in a psych ward for several weeks prior to moving in with me. She is also struggling with an eating disorder. Both of my parents are alcoholics and my dad has MS and severe bipolar disorder. To the point where I can't even hold a conversation with him anymore. To be fair, the day I made this post both my fiance and my best friend had relapsed with their drinking which makes for an extremely exhausting day for me which is why I was so upset. But since I moved my best friend in they have both been doing A LOT better. I am grateful for that. The situation that overwhelms me with my dad is that he lives with my grandma who supports him completely but she is very elderly and sick and when she passes away, she is leaving the house he lives in to me but I can't afford to make the payments. But if I don't my dad wont have a place to live or food. My little brother also lives with my grandma and dad too so I would have to move them both in with me and I don't think I could survive that. Sorry this was lengthy and thanks to anyone who took time to read this. Honestly just talking about it is making me feel better since I have to be really careful what I do and say at home from day to day.

 

I am trying to get them into therapy but honestly, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. I'm doing my best though.

 

Thanks. I am trying to get myself into therapy. It's just hard to find the time to go because I work a lot.

 

Jesus........

 

Sorry just don't know what else to say

 

You're welcome!

Wow, that's a lot to have to deal with

I tend to want to offer practical solutions to problems (e.g., treatment methods, a plan for what to do with them, housing)

That's not always the thing that someone needs the most though.

Maybe it's better just to listen? Idk.

 

Do what you need to, in order to make yourself happy.It's good that you are caring and wanting to help others, but that can only stretch so far. You will continue to feel bad, if you overextend yourself to much.

 

I've never met an addict (including alcohol) that just simply wasnt totally full of shit

 

It's really hard to not to agree with this considering the OP is working three jobs and doing most of the housework because her fiancee can't get his shit together.

 

You have to make yourself, and not everybody else, your top priority. You seem to have chosen a damaged fiancee and keep trying to fix the other people in your family who are equally damaged. You can't make any of these horses drink. And if you deny YOU need help... (I work alot) you're taking the same unhealthy path as they are. Make the time for yourself. You seem to make time for everybody else to YOUR detriment. What's wrong with that picture. You cannot rescue anyone but yourself.

 

So once again I'm mainly typing this all out to help myself feel better. My fiance and best friend have been doing 100x better as far as drinking goes. Neither one has relapsed since my original post. That has helped me and my stress level tremendously. However, and I knew this time would come, my grandma (the one supporting my alcoholic father with secondary progressive MS and bi polar disorder) is dieing. She is now on hospice. And the house is being left to me even though I have tried to ask her to leave it to someone else. I was preparing to get my dad on the waiting list for a VA home that would take care of him (he was in the navy when he was young) but I couldnt tell him about it because he would retaliate against my dieing grandma which I don't want so I was trying to do this without him knowing. I was finally getting so close to having everything figured out and then with one phone call tonight it all came crashing down. We had plans to have his Will, advance health care directive, and power of attorney notarized this Thursday, but in the power of attorney he decided to add that I will not have the authority to put him in a home. He said he would rather kill himself (which he would actually do, as he has attempted twice before) before living in a home. So now I have nothing. I spent WEEKS getting everything sorted out to make sure that I won't have to make him homeless when the house goes to me but even after doing everything in my fucking power it was all for nothing. This is the hardest lesson I have ever learned in my life. My dad is not a nice person. He has straight up told me he loves alcohol more than my brother and I but that doesn't mean I want him to be homeless or to die. So even after all the cruel things he has said and done to me, I still did EVERYTHING in my power to make sure he would be okay and it was all for nothing because he is his own person and makes his own choices. And as badly as I want to help the people I love, my lesson in this lifetime is that everyone is on their own path and they have to want to help themselves before anyone else can help them. I have cried so much tonight that I can't even cry anymore. To me, it feels like my dad is going to kill himself and it will be my fault. (I know logically in my mind it's not my fault but I know that I will still blame myself from time to time) and I'm also losing my grandma. She is the only person in my life who has been a positive role model for me. She is the most loving, compassionate, beautiful person who has taught me everything I know and there is no one in the world who I am closer to and she's leaving me. I just feel like my entire world is dissolving and I'm trying to keep going. My mom (also alcoholic) drank the other night after taking a ton of xanex and I called her and she was crying telling me she wanted to kill herself (she won't though, thankfully she's not as bad as my dad) but it took almost an hour to calm her down. I just wish that for once, my parents would be there for me instead of the other way around. But I know that's selfish. I just feel overwelmed and feel like I don't have an outlet for all of my emotions. That's why I'm typing this here. It seems like I only log on here now to vent and complain which is sad but I just know that this site for whatever reason attracts the best people on the internet who won't make me feel guilty for venting and complaining. Haha although hopefully soon all of this mess will be over and I'll be able to write some happy posts. Thanks to whoever reads this. I feel better after typing it all out.

 

It sounds like you need some legal advice/help.

I remember hospital social workers coming by every time one of my family was in the hospital.

Maybe there's some sort of resource like that available to help you sort out options.

 

I will look into that, thank you. Although, as much as every part of me wants to not give up, I honestly feel like this is happening because I have to learn to let those I love make their own choices, even if they are bad choices. I am going to try to step back. If my dad says he'd rather end his life than be put in a home I have to respect that choice and let him be his own person. I think that is what I'm supossed to be learning from this..

 

I feel very sad for you. Look, you've done your best to help your parents. However, someone who is seriously suffering from alcoholism is not going to make rational choices. You might be able to get them both declared incompetent, but then you'd have to make all their legal choices for them. That is a heavy burden. Get some great counseling to support yourself and step back. None of what is happening to your parents is your fault. Lean on good friends and love yourself. You've been doing your duty to them. You need to be happy, not mired in their dysfunction. Carve out a good space for yourself and live in it. You can only give so much. Don't feel guilty. You can only "fix" yourself, not others, no matter how hard you try. Love to you.