I'm Running Away

thanks peanut......I'm actually married, for one year almost....I'm not sure if i understand it, or why i should want to be in this situation. It really seems confining sometimes...I'm wondering whats wrong with being alone really, or not being alone for a while, then being alone again....I'm not afraid of being alone due to some of the things you just mentioned, travelling, writing, taking pictures...what i don't like is seeing someone every night, and just sitting there watching tv and going to bed, preparing for another work day y'know? Not saying it isn't my fault, but it ends up happening quite often.


i know what you are saying about peoples foundations, and the cold reality that often holds it together....it seems this isn't based on actual love, but fear and the necessity of money....I know its not always the case but i am cynical about these things lately.

 

My first year of marriage (actually the first 6 months) was not good. It was really horrible actually. I never lived with anyone before. I went from Mom & Dad's nest to living with a Man. (sometimes I say this is actually a good thing because had I ever lived by myself I would of been too set in my ways and made my journey much harder)

I learned how to comprimise. So did my Husband. Before you were married you and your spouse must of done some fun things together. Marriage doesn't have to be a pit. It can be really fun and exciting for the two of you. You don't have children now. There is SOOOO much the two of you can be doing together. I am not even talking about going out and spending any money either. You could take some sandwiches to the park and have your dinner there feeling the sun in your hair or watching the sunset together. You could have an appreciation for life that is so beautiful.

I don't know what kind of fun things you like to do. What kinds of things does your Husband like to do? If you both have the mind-set that this is your marriage and there is no option out (my Husband and I are full believers in marriage. we take that as seriously as our parenting) than maybe just maybe that love that you once had for each other will strengthen and become even more beautiful.

I really Honor my Husband. He is a great man and Daddy to our boys. I know all men are not the same. I know some are not as easily into change as others. Change doesn't have to be hard. There is actually a lot of fun you can have with it.

I don't mean to babble. I hope some of this makes sense.

 

I'm a guy peanut, i just sound like a girl i actually don't think i believe in marriage. I pretty much had to get married or not ever see the girl I had been dating again because she had to go back to europe.. i'm not saying that it definitely won't work out, it just seems like an old concept, and I'm definitely not into tthe religious aspect of it.

 

I am so sorry. I did not know. Fairly new here to the forums...

Okay, still take everything I said and switch it around. You could take your wife to the park. That is romantic. Do you think she would like that?

If you came home at night to your wife with a big smile on her face ready to share the evening with you wouldn't that make you smile?

 

Quote: Okay, still take everything I said and switch it around. You could take your wife to the park. That is romantic. Do you think she would like that?


i don't know, shes agoraphobic and hates walking seriously!

She's been gone a few months and I have been rather hard on her lately because i want her to wake up and get out of this depression she is in.

When we began i said stupid things like "Even if you are seriously depressed for the rest of your life i will take care of you"

I must have been out of my mind, there is no way I would sacrifice my whole life to take care of someone who is down everyday.


Not every night is bad, but i can't say i've been missing a lot of the things about her since she has been gone.

 

You sound like a good man. My Husband and I had some history of mental illness. I still do from time to time. When we got married it was vital to have "In sickness and in Health" in our vows. I knew one of us could one day have an episode again that could last a very long time.

Has your wife gotten any help? You don't have to answer that if you don't want to. My Husband left work one morning so he would watch the boys and I could talk to a Doctor. He even talked to the Doctor too to see what he could do to help. He told the Doctor he was invested in my health too. I love him for that. I think the Doctor did too.

You know, I don't want to sound like fruitcake. I am sorry if I do. These are things that have made my marriage a beautiful marriage. There's ton's of help out there for the both of you. At least if you started someplace the rest just might follow. Depends on how determined you are.

Does your wife have outdoor allergies? Could she sit at the park, no walking, and watch you fly a kite and read? We did that a lot and it was awesome. I left the stunt kite flying to him cause I am a wreck with two strings. LOL.

 

she gets help in Spain, but since she won't work at the moment and America's health care sucks, we cannot afford to have her go here....


I feel kind of bad, I gave her an ultimatum to feel better, I know thats not how mental illness works....life is too short to be fucking around with all of this for too long though

i guess i just don't understand it. i feel like this creature who gets a chance to wander around this world, to see things, to see so many things that he forgets some of them........

Not to sound too cold but i am feeling really selfish all of a sudden, after a few years of repressing myself.....

Some people say that I have unrealistic expectations for a relationship, or for how good life can be.

 

I'm in the same boat to alot of you, stuck in a 9-5 job that is wrecking my head. Been in the job 2.5 years and I've had enough. If I wait until next April I can apply for a career break of between 6 months and 36 months and I'll have a job to come back to, dunno if I should just pack it in and go before that and head off. Would be nice to have a job to come back to if I wanted it still, plus it'd gimme time to save some cash aswell,

 

Some people say that I have unrealistic expectations for a relationship, or for how good life can be.

Here's what I say to that... CHEERS!!!!! Life is meant to be enjoyed. For those who don't want to live life with enjoyment that is sad.

I am sorry your wife is having a hard time coming out of her funk. Sometimes it is the hardest thing in the world. If she isn't working does she do anything during the day? Anything to give her some enjoyment or to get her mind on something a little different than what is wrong with her?

Some one said yesterday or the other day depression is like a comfort zone. This in not entirely untrue.

You have the RIGHT to live your life the way you see fit. I say that regarding what other's might say to you. As for your wife's situation and her illness. Maybe that is something the both of you want to sit down and talk about, sometimes it has to happen again and again. I know it gets tiring but if the marriage is what you really want, it will be worth it in the end.

As you can see I am a talker. I talk about everything with my husband. Sometimes he wishes I would keep somethings to myself. LOL... I have to remember not everyone is so "Free Spirited" with their emotions like I am.

If I have said anything that has offended you or you don't agree with, I am sorry.

 

oh I can be a talker to...i had this epiphany in New York City the other day, and afterwards I told her so many things that it basically had the effect of dropping a bomb on her, which i don't feel so good about. I'm just tired of fucking around with this, I certainly don't need to be married at all.

She DOES use depression as a comfort zone and an excuse...she doesn't like it here, which I understand especially because Spain is so great, but i need her to be more adapatable and tougher.. i am super adaptable, I'm figity, i move around a lot, so its hard for me to relate to this illness she has....I'm not giving up on her, i just wanted to make her aware that i was thinking about giving up on it.

Some people say I have unrealistic expectations of life because I walked around city streets in absolute hard drug bliss for a spell.

Quote: If I have said anything that has offended you or you don't agree with, I am sorry.

Please, this is great talking to you!!! As long as you don't talk about the bible I'm cool.


One more question....how much work should a relationship need.....it should be well under 50% of the time right?!

and Spacer...fawk yea, get the hell out if you can....especially if you can go back if you want to.

 

Okay, I won't talk about the Bible. Hmmm, now that you said that I want to because it helped me. Not church because I don't go to church but getting intouch with my spirituality. Okay, nough said...

May I ask what was your wife's response when you told her how you felt, the good, bad, and the ugly? Was she willing to do anything differently?

Now that you don't feel good abou that bomb that you dropped on her do you think you could tell her that? Sometimes my Husband says things are are shocking but after he has had a few minutes or some time to calm down he can think clearer and express himself better. He NEVER yells. Doesn't believe in it. I came from a family that got pretty loud. I had to learn that if I wanted to talk about something with him I had to TALK and not yell. And guess what? I appreciated learning that new skill. I freeze inside when I hear yelling.

Some people say I live in a fantasy world. That is my RIGHT and I am happy in MY WORLD. My Family (children and spouse) love me and they are happy. I wouldn't want them any other way.

 

she started talking about divorce and mailing wedding rings back to my grandma immediately She said you can't put ultimatums on that sort of thing, and that forcing people to do things they have phobias about will only induce panic attacks..........

I'm just feeling like she holds me back from being my true self, which is completely unconventional and pretty spontaneous.

Not that she doesn't have things i love about her.......I just have a hrd time not seeing her as a burden these days.

 

Do what I did..........Kill the bitch and bury her in the back yard.

 

I'm afraid I had a dream about that last night



I am nonviolent though, and I don't yell either....just throw wicked glances.

 

*cough really not a pussy at all cough*

 

Will you both be apart for long? I assuming she is in Spain now and your in America? Is that right?

The reason I ask that (you don't have to answer) is maybe while she is gone you can spend your time without her doing the things you enjoy. Like sight seeing, photography, whatever you enjoy. That way you can spend time with YOU. That time can strengthen you. That way when you are together you will be more "available" mentally. Do you understand what I am saying?

What about writing things down that you like/love about her? I wouldn't sugest this after you just talked with her and fought. I would do it after you have had a breather so you can really think about your answers. Ask her to do the same with you. You both just might find something to make you smile about one another.

I really hope all this works out for you both.

 

See Peanunts - this I don't necesarilly agree with. I can appreciate space in a relationship where one does their own thing. However, I appreciate it only to a certain extent. Doing your our own thing is great, but when you can't share that part of you with someone you love, its a major bummer and recipe for disaster.

I spent the better part of seven years with a girl, I still absolutely love and adore her to this day, yet while we were together I felt like I was somewhat in a cage because she wouldn't embrace not the things that I enjoy in life so much as not embrace the passion that I have for them. So things became very one sided, as I was different - spending countless hours at art galleries has never been all that interesting to me, but I embraced the fact that she had a passion for art, and hence loved being around her watching her so happy about something she loved. Yet, whenever it came to doing things that I loved - like going to concerts and things of that nature, she was just like eh - whatever. Its funny because this onesidedness often manifested itself in the bedroom too :H.


I don't know where I'm going with this, but I think I have a pretty good idea of where gary feels on this one. I hope he and his wife figure it out, but time apart certainly doesn't appear to be what this relationship needs to me, even from the individual level.

 

I totally agree with you dhs. I am not saying this is something that he should be doing from now till eternity. I am saying that while she is away (I thought he said she was in Spain) he could be letting out some steam by doing things he loves.

When she comes back I think they should seriously talk with one another. Even if it involves tears. Something has to be done for the both of them or they are going to be miserable. Life wasn't meant for that, neither was marriage.

Relationships take comprimising. It should NEVER be one sided. I will not always love what my Husband loves and vice versa but we sure do make an effort to support the other's interest. Not everyone can do that it takes a lot of effort in the beginning and patience but once you can figure out how to make it enjoyable for you it sure is nice.

Gheeze, I am sorry if I sound like I have excluded you on this seamonster. Please don't think I mean't spending your lives apart not sharing each other's interest. I think you both should embrace each other's.

People can change. I am a full believer in that and I am proof. If you want it bad enough you can make it happen.