I'm new and in need of someone to talk to about sexual anxiety

Hello,

I am hoping to talk to some people in regards to severe anxiety and depression involving sex. Long story short, my wife and I explored a non-monogamous lifestyle for around 6 months. We have been married 8 years. The idea was originally mine, I am bisexual and wanted more experiences, however as time went on I found myself more and more uncomfortable. I could not quite pin down why, I gave a lot of reasons and excuses that I am not sure are true anymore. Roughly six months ago things came to a precipice and we stopped the lifestyle on my request. My wife and I had some disagreements and some hurtful situations happened as a result in which she was non-monogamous without me. As time went on I felt guilty and shame in the actions we had taken, I began to feel that sexual experience should not be so casual and should remain private. My wife does not agree, she is much more open and came to enjoy the lifestyle tremendously.

Within the last month or so I have become insanely anxious about sex. I cannot seem to see it talked about on TV or in a song so casually. My body becomes physically ill and tense on the topic of sex. There was a comedian on TV talking openly and proudly about their sexual encounters, or people (men and women alike) proudly calling themselves sluts.

I legitimately do not understand this, or how this is something positive. I come to find I have a tremendous amount of shame about sex and I do not know where it comes from. Society and my mind are telling me I should not have issues with sex, be sex positive, support my wife's wants and needs, and be open. However the physical feelings in my body make me feel that sex should be something special between two people, an action of vulnerability and trust, that it isn't right in the slightest to be so casual about sex. I have never understood one night stands or hook-ups, and I have issue even hearing the topic mentioned in passing now.

I am not sure how to move on or recover. My wife wants to be able to explore her sexuality, but I cannot mentally handle it without seemingly losing my mind in a downward spiral. In these moments I feel that I should be enough for her and the fact she sees sex so casually will hurt me extremely deeply, it makes me feel like I am nothing special.

I have the conflicting views that I wish my wife only wanted me, yet I know that isn't reasonable, yet that is how I feel about her so I know it is possible. I just need to talk to people about this, I love my wife more than anything in this world and I do not know how to get through this.

I have posted multiple places on different sites, I know we should get some counseling however I can't afford it because my insurance doesn't cover it. I just want to talk with people and talk out my feelings, I want to save my marriage.

Thank you for any help.

 

I don't want to sound mean... But if read correctly you stated you are bisexual and the idea of an open relationship was your idea. If that is the case then ask yourself this question
Did I want this so that I could fool around and you hoped that she wouldn't?
And
Afte I got a taste of sex with someone who wasn't my wife do I now realize that she is all I want and I fucked up?
If the answers here are what I think they are you and your wife need to light the fireplace , get out a bottle of wine and talk honestly about what has happened and what each of you think should happen in the future. If you are truly bi and do not like the idea of either of you sleeping around then maybe consider a boyfriend for yourself and a boyfriend for her that you discuss openly with each other so that it remains a sexual affair and not a Love affair. Hope that helps at least a little

 

You are sure you only want one partner now?
Not doubting or asking you, but to have you search yourself.
Your wife tasted variety and wants more now, any chance she will settle down and be monogamous? You may not be able to answer that at the moment.

What if she is loving it too much and wants more of it? What if she says she will stop seeing others but you find out she didn’t?
You want to save your marriage and maybe she wants to but not on those terms?
Hard questions that may bring answers hard to take, or turn things around in your favour?

If you will always have something nagging you somewhere in your mind you will not find peace. Counselling will not fix that part of you.

Counselling may work or it may not, it may only delay going separate ways. I know you are not going to take the counselling but making a point here. If you have a line you don’t want to be crossed stick to that, and that will be difficult and painful.
Not telling you to break up with your wife but honestly while I hope to be wrong it looks like it’s a strong possibility
Not being pessimistic but from the little info you gave in your thread.

 

We had a very good open relationship. We started at early age before marriage. Talked it over, for her, over a year before sleeping with another man. We later talked to other couples, who had same problems, always too late to change what happened. You need to talk to her, no one else can help you.