I'm in a relationship with my therapist

I don't know where to start. I guess the best way of starting off is to explain my situation. I feel incredibly isolated. I have avoidant personality disorder and a lot of childhood trauma. It makes living a functional life almost impossible for me. Every day is a struggle and I wouldn't consider myself a functional member of society. My mental health problems interfere with my ability to communicate and form relationships with others. I suffered a lot of physical, sexual and psychological abuse as a child which makes it even harder for me to trust anyone. I have no friends and my relationship with my family is terrible.

I was struggling so badly with my studies that my college intervened and got me a therapist. This therapist is paid for by the college and comes in once a week to see me. We meet in a private office for "therapy", but it never really felt like therapy to me although I've never had a therapist before anyway. It started off strange at the very beginning. She would compliment my appearance all of the time, tell me I'm attractive and ask if I had a girlfriend. I was so shy I just wasn't used to this. It made me feel better about myself. She would constantly say weird things that could be interpreted in two different ways. I thought about these things she said constantly and there was always this gut feeling in the back of my mind that she was attracted to me.

This therapist broke down barriers and overstepped a lot of boundaries that I feel they shouldn't have. She made weird excuses for why she was doing what she was doing. An early example is that every session started and ended with a hug because she felt I "needed human touch". Another example would be she'd tell me to close my eyes and run her fingers through my hair to get me to relax, she called it ASMR, it eventually moved onto massaging me in various places which I'll admit did turn me on and I think that's why she did it. She'd also text me a lot especially before I went to bed and we'd skype call often in her free time just to talk about random stuff, during these skype calls she'd always look like she'd dress as attractively as possible too. Things like that happened constantly to build up to where we are now.

Honestly it was really confusing the more she moved things along. I started to feel I'd genuinely fallen in love with her. It's a very isolating experience to love your therapist because you cannot tell anyone. She told me she loved me and that I had to keep it a secret or she would lose her job. If the college found out it would ruin her life as she'd lose her job as a therapist. I didn't want to betray her. I promised to keep that secret.

Weekly sessions are not about therapy or at least I don't think they are. She masks it as "therapy", but it usually always involves something else. She does things and says things during our sessions that makes her seem professional even though I know she shouldn't be doing what she is doing.

This is really hard for me to talk about. I would never tell anyone this face to face because I feel ashamed about it. Every session I have with her she asks me to undress and lay on a table. She doesn't take her clothes off with me because she doesn't want to get caught if someone walks in. She then masturbates me with her hands while wearing rubber gloves because she feels it would help my anxiety to "release the pressure". There is no intimacy in what she does, there is no real bodily contact and she uses the fact she's wearing rubber gloves as a justification for it being ok. The gloves are a "safe barrier" and she talks about how the body and the mind are linked so a relaxing massage for the body is much easier than a massage for the mind. She refers to this as a "therapeutic milking" and tells me to imagine all my negative emotions, anxiety and stress is being unleashed during orgasm.

After every session I leave that office feeling really confused. She says that I need it, but I feel a lot of turmoil inside about it every time. There is no intimacy there between us it's just me exposed and her doing everything. I tried to kiss her once and she shamed me for it saying she's a therapist and it's not ok, but surely none of this is ok? I don't understand. In my mind the only thing that makes sense is that we're dating and the reason she treats me so coldly is because she can't do what she'd normally do with me or she'd lose her job? But surely if I told anyone about what she's been doing she'd lose her job anyway.

I feel caught in this web of confusion. I can't tell anyone because I naturally fear new people. I couldn't imagine communicating about the sorts of things we do and she does to me to anyone. I always feel happy to go and see her because I have such deep feelings for her, but afterwards I get overwhelmed with feelings of confusion, shame and depression. I don't understand why she treats me so coldly, she acts like she's just doing her job but I know a normal therapist wouldn't do what she does. I'm sure this isn't something normal therapists do.

I feel like I've genuinely fallen in love with her, so it hurts that she only touches me while wearing yellow dish washing gloves. It hurts that I can't kiss her or touch her back. It hurts that I've never seen her naked, but she's seen me naked so many times. I feel shame that our relationship is so unbalanced and feels so unhealthy but I can't stop it. I just continue going to her office every week even though I know this isn't good for me. I don't think I can stop because I have nobody who has ever shown any interest in me. I think maybe she's just treating me like this because she is at work and afterwards we'll start dating for real? I just don't know though, this feels all so confusing to me. I don't understand any of it. I can't put my mind in her position and understand her motivations for any of this. It doesn't make sense to me at all.

She sent me a text earlier today saying she has something special planned for Friday. I know she's just saying that so I overthink it completely. She attached a picture of her hand wearing rubber gloves and holding 2 of her fingers out like a gun. I'm trying not to overthink it because every time something like this happens I can't sleep trying to decipher whatever thing she's trying to communicate just because she wont be honest and upfront with me. I wish she would just be honest with me, I wish she would kiss me and let me see her back. I wish I could feel like her equal rather than just a lesser and a member of staff. I've never had a girlfriend before her, but I always imagined a relationship more equal and fair, not something so confusing and unbalanced.

TLDR: I'm a stupid loser who can't think straight and is in love with his therapist even though the therapist won't even let him touch her back. The relationship feels damaging but I cannot leave because if I did I'd have nobody. I feel like one of the loneliest men on earth.

 

I’m saddened for you! It seems like the therapy is causing more issues. I would be direct with her. Hope you’re able to covey your struggle as you shared with us. Sounds like an emotional abuse to me. Hoping all goes well!;-)

 

I too have been in a relationship with my therapist and it’s a therapist/client relationship. No boundaries ever crossed. As I am a retired therapist I’d say report them to her licensing board and the school.

 

Therapist there to help you but be careful what you say to them they send you away.

 

Josh, I feel for you and hope I can assure you there is a way out of this. Firstly, you're not alone because the college organised a therapist for you so they know about the importance of protecting your welfare. Ultimately, they've got your back which is in stark contrast to the 'therapist' who, as you've described is messing with your head and taking advantage of you.
As you've described her methods, I think there's no doubt that she's a wicked person.

That sentence means she knows she's doing wrong! It also means that, in continuing to do wrong, she knows she can control you into not reporting her. Otherwise she wouldn't risk it.

So, already, we know she's doing wrong and that she knows she feels safe in doing wrong because she's aware that you aren't able to report her.
And, in turn, that means she will continue to do wrong with her being the only person to gain anything constructive. You won't and, instead, you will only be more and more messed up, by her - not by anything you're doing.

So - IMPORTANT - it's not your fault. It's her's.The fault is all hers.

That's another warning sign that means she knows she's doing wrong.

OK, so it's clear from your post that she knows she's doing wrong and that means she is deliberately exploiting you.
You can only lose out/suffer more troubles whilst she gets off on what she's doing.
(In saying that she 'gets off' I don't mean in the orgasmic sense but in the sense of the mental controlling exploitative thrill she is clearly getting. Coercive control).

I did see the bit about having avoidant personality disorder. Who diagnosed that condition? Did the school know about it before putting you in touch with this 'therapist'?
If they didn't, you need to let them know about your condition so they can connect you to one who deals in that type of condition.

My suggestion:


In the meantime, until you speak with a lawyer:-
1. Keep this post which is timestamped, which means later, if necessary, it'll be hard for her to say you made it up in response to some allegation she makes about you.
2. Keep all texts she sends, which are also timestamped. Screenshot them and print them out as well, so you'll have them if something bad happens to your phone.

Consider employing a lawyer because there's a very simple course of action to be taken to protect you.
Your lawyer will have your back.

After consulting with the lawyer, and subject to his/her/their advice; ask the school to provide a different therapist.
If you need to provide this evidence of her behaviour, I think it would be better if you had already engaged a lawyer, even if only to get advice on the steps to take, and the sequence you should follow.
I expect part of the advice will be to sue the school and the therapist and on a no-win no-fee basis, it won't cost you.

There is a suitable therapist out there who will help you. Finding the right one is the real challenge and again, your lawyer may signpost you better than the school did.

That's my initial response, Joshhh.
Keep chatting here. As I have written before, one of the good things about this well-moderated site is that we can 'speak' anonymously about subjects that we simply couldn't speak about in real life.
So you are not alone in needing anonymity and you're certainly not alone in experiencing life struggles.
We all struggle from time to time and it's just that, in public, men tend to conceal that reality which can give the impression to other men that when they struggle, they are alone.

You are not alone. If you were, there wouldn't be any guys going to therapists.
There is plenty of guys going to therapists, which proves you're not alone.

I hope that may help you Joshhh.

Bazz

 

I’m not sure what all you should do but a starting place would be to tell the school you need a different therapist. If you have to give a reason then I would say that is something I could only discuss in a confidential relationship with a new therapist. Then talk to the new therapist about all this because you are getting played to the detriment of your mental health. Predatory therapist are not uncommon and unfortunately you have found one.

 

This thread was the OP's only post. Popped in here to post and never came back. Just one more reason I don't believe a word of it.

 

Ya its hard to know what to believe.........

 

Any forum that's related to sex gets a lot of people claiming to be who they're not, and a lot of people claiming situations that never happened. There are many reasons why they might do that.

When I moderated a sexuality forum I tended to let them stand unless they were catfishing or were particularly egregious. I believe the mods here follow a similar policy.

This was one of the bullshit posts. Seriously. One learns to spot them by certain key elements.

Speaking of mods, my hat is off to this site's staff. Moderating is one of those thankless, glamorless jobs that someone's got to do. I think they're doing a pretty good job.

 

Yes agree! Thank you HF moderators …Kudos!!