I'm gonna be late for work because....

my son escaped in my experimental weather balloon...no it was an accident...really

 

I had to bleach my arsehole cos it was looking a bit mucky.

 

I wuz raped by the poster above.....;-)

 

Ive been sucked into the internet

 

I'm dead.

 

the toilet seat fell and I need an hour to recover

 

my arm melted into the couch, and can't seem to move..

 

Day Light Savings messed me up!!!

 

I forgot to set the clock back and I overslept...

 

I grew a bollock on the end of my nose and had to go and have it removed

 

Im in magical gum drop land, with candy cane rainbows, and waterfalls made of Iced Tea...

 

a gang of crazy hamsters mugged me

 

my back broke

 

I had to have a quick head transplant

 

I put diesel in my gasoline car by mistake

 

my oink flap took longer than normal

 

you might of heard of it... hurricane IDA ...

 

my dog threw up on the rug and I couldnt find a spoon !!

 

Im being tortured by the Saw guy

 

I raised lazarus from the dead, and he wanted to take me for a drink !