I'll have one relationship with the mom...on the rocks please...

So yeah there is a lot behind this post (and I could go on forever) but my question is has anyone here ever kinda dissowned their mom for a long period of time?

 

I've felt like it, but then I remember that she's the only person that's really helped me out at all since I had the baby. I would feel bad if I abandoned her out of selfish immaturity...

Not that you are. What's going on? I hope it isn't too bad. Just remember that you live in California. Nothing is ever normal.

 

I just cannot say it in short words..impossible to understand in short words.

 

Awww... I'm sorry. Want a cookie? Here's a cookie...



I ate part of it, if that's okay. I had to check for poison...

 

Well the thing we are in right now is that basicly if I ask her to do or not to do something to or for my son...she refuses to listen..thinks I am insulting her as a caregiver and tells me she will do waht she pleases with him in her home under her care. This has been ongoing since Mason was born and I just put my foot down the other day when she rubbed it in my face in a very snotty way once again that i don't want him to have sertain things. So I said fine then I will be keeping him today and off she went....all up in a huff. ( we were in the grocery store) So anyways. She refuses to accept my own needs for my son ..continualy dissrespects me by doing stuff anyways...and makes me look like a horrible person for not putting up with it. It seems piddly but this kind of behavior has been the core of her manipulation of my my whole life. I'm sick of putting up with it. And I don't want my son taking her crazy shit. She's mentaly wrecked. It's like every few days now we have a fallout and it totaly upsets me and I keep giving her chances because I am forgiving and lenient and I love her etc..but I am just fed up. She is far from normal in any way and I can't deal with it anymore.

 

OMG Applespark!!! WE have the same Mama!!!! lol, seriously, my mom has some pretty bad mental problems....we have had quite a few arguments(last one being mothers day) its seems quite on again off again...she's kinda got better as i got older, when i was younger she was the queen of the guilt trip...but i've gotten better at avoiding those...basically if i call her up and she's in a good mood, i'll see her, talk to her, etc. if she answers the phone and i can tell shes not in a good mood...i just say i'll talk to you later...as it comes with your son, you need t tell her that she may be the grandmother, you are the MAMA! and in the end it should come down to your values and what you say. and if she doesn't like it, well then she knows( im sure) what she can do! sorry if any of this seems harsh...i grew up with it my whole life...i'd like to say we're getting past it...but as soon as i think so, it bites me in the butt! lol i wish you well in your endeavor!

~Peace and MANY hugs!~

 

Ok yeah so I say that to her and she puts up a wall all the words hit it and fall on the floor and then she yells over me and starts turning the problems into mine. bla bla..etc. It just really upsets me that I even have to deal with this with my own mom. And really she really believes I am ALWAYS wrong and that I have wronged her. That is what makes it so hard in the long run. Then to put salt on the wound she tells people round her in a bitching manor that I have doen this and that to her and she plays victem...when really all I have asked her to do is respect me as a mother. I don't want this chaos in my life anymore. And it's very sad to me that she won't ever understand.

We have had like 2 or 3 of these not talking times in the past year...like weeks on end without talking and then I had not talked to her for a few days and on my way home from yoga I was in a great mood and thought I would stop by and jsut give her a hug and she came to the door and said I don't want company so I said can I just give youa hug and she said No...so I wen't home and that's why I posted this because she upset me. And I am sick of being upset by her.

 

Put her in a nursing home...

Maybe you guys should take a weekend and go somewhere and just talk to each other...or yell or whatever. Just get it all out. It could end with it being better or worse, but at least everything will be out there and you'll know how everyone feels.

 

Once about 2 months ago we had a sitdown talk over lunch and we worked it out I thought. We both just wanted respect and as usual she agreed to respect my wishes and once again turned on me. She has short term memory loss on top of everything so it makes it easy for her to forget our conversations or her own words to me. It's a great suggestion and I only wish it were that easy.

 

She really sounds like a toxic person. I do not know the whole situation, but you are expressing your need for a little break form your relationship. Can you get someone else to provide childcare?

My father is the jackass in my family. I finally gave up on him and we did not talk for six months. We speak now when necessary.

There is nothing wrong with taking a little time away. It will give you new perspective, and might make it easier for you each to gain respect for the other's point of view.

 

apple i am sorry to hear that, i have family like that. i had a gramma on my hubbys side give my baby girl some green beans before she even started eating baby food.....she almost choked....... she refused to listen to what i had to say................

your problems sound deeper than that tho, maybe you guys need a break from each other, i always leave notes for people, seems they listen to ya better if they dont get tha chance to talk back..............

 

i know exactly how you are feeling!!

my mom does the same power trip thing on me with my daughter. makes herself the "good" one
i will try to go without talking to her, but she then turns up unexpectedly at my house and aside from running inside and locking the doors, all i can do is sit there and take it.
i think that she feels, because i NEEDED her so much when i was a single mom, i owe her BIG time.

she is always feeding kaya crap that she knows i don't like her to have, letting her do things i wouldn't let her do, and just plain old spoiling her rotten, so that when she comes home and has to deal with her not-as-fun mom, she will always want grandma.

and then when it gets to the point where i cut their visits off, again i am the mean one, when really i am only trying to keep my sanity! and kaya doesn't go half a day without talking about her. everything is "oma" this and that (oma is our name for grandma). but that pisses me off too, so then i get pissed at kaya for talking about it, and again--mean mom.

i am to the point where i am ready to pack up and move across the country. i tried it once actually, but didn't have the cash to go through with it all. and now i have a family (a fuller one to worry about. but believe me i toy with the idea every day.

i wish i had some advice to give you, but i am in need of some myself. it really sucks when your mother thinks that because you are young, you don't have any idea how to raise a child.

take a vacation! you sound like you need one!
good luck with everything--sweetpeace

 

Hey Applespark. *hugs*

Yes I have "disowned" my mother for a time, when I felt utterly disrespected. I did not communicate with her for close to three years until she could recognize that I was a grown adult with my own life and my own ass to fall on. It took time but she did come around and now we have a pretty good relationship. I think sometimes it's hard for our mothers to realize we know what we are doing, even if it something against the grain of their own beliefs. Ya know it hurt me to no end to not speak to my mother for that time but it hurt more to feel like I was not being respected for my adult decisions. Now she does respect me for who and what I am, my choices and my family. Hang in there. This is not forever. A good book I read was Toxic Parents.
You are in my thoughts.

 

You and I have talked about this before, Apple. I am sorry things are still bad. You know she won't really get any better, just behaves herself for a while to get what she needs out of you, and then goes back to her real personality. As we know, she IS toxic, you need to think of your child and yourself. It is really hard.

Hugs and kisses and blessings again.

Maggie

 

Thanks everyone for the kind support