I'll have a Karmacino - Sebbi's Karma

Tough questions my friend tough questions.

I think I've done a lot of good things and a lot of bad things but I can't really think of anything that stands out.

For best things I would either say, starting my band or doing the Bentley Play.

The Bentley play happens every year, it's put on by a residential care home for people with "Learning Disabilities" (e.g. downs, autism etc). They get a load of people who work in theatre to help out and that's where I fit in. I got a call from my director saying "Seb - are you free on Friday to come to the Epsom Playhouse - there's something I want to rope you into!"
"Yeah ok"

I had no idea what I was letting myself in for but I was so glad for it.

The Bentley play has virtually no merit whatsoever as "serious drama" but that was never and probably will never be, the point. It's a lot of fun for the audience, the cast and the people like me who helped out.

You start the day with some prejudices - no matter how open minded someone is, unless they've spent any ammount of time with those sort of people, they will always have some level of prejudice - and then there comes a point in the day when you realise that you're in a room (or theatre as the case may be) with about 100 of the lovliest people on the planet. It's very moving.

They are very pure - they are like overgrown children except that kids learn the "I want; I need" reflex very early. These people never learn that. My director told me that her moment where the prejudices disappeared she was doing a similar thing to me. There was a guy called Michael who kept on disappearing and she had to go off and find him about 5 times. When they were on stage, her just ran up behind her and jumped on her back and then realised that he was happier than then she could ever be.

I am definately letting myself get roped in next year.

As for the worst thing. Like I've said, I've done many bad things.

I think I've been very dishonest with myself over the years - that's bad. I've spent a lot of time, not facing things, and I still haven't got round to doing that properly yet (though I've managed to take the first iddy biddy steps).

I think if you want a single event/descision it would be going where I did for 6th form. I went there because, largely, I had been persuaded by other people too. My parents both thought the course was fantastic (International Baccelaureate) and the enthusiasm rubbed off on me. I think the descision making process itself was fine, it's just that the outcome was terrible.

Everyone told me it would be like college just smaller, no-one knows anyone when they arrive, it ends up really close-knit. Then I get there and everyone did know eachother from before. It was the 6th form of a school that got shut down and re-opened and my year was the first to graduate year 11 at that school. So everyone did know eachother, and had done for 5 years. The total intake that year was 40 - almost purely from the lower school. It was actually like trying to integrate with an iron wall.

On top of this, when I chose my subjects I had no idea how my dyslexia affected me and that the school didn't actually have any sort of learning support structure, so I was basically being told to stop being lazy instead of someone stepping in and saying "Ok, that parts not your strong point, so lets not worry about that for now, but that part is, so lets work from there. You see, it's not as intimidating as you thought was it?"

I spiralled down for a while, (academically, emotionally mainly) until I took what I think ranks as among some of my best descisions: I dropped out and found another college (Woking). Where I enrolled last Friday.

Much Love
Sebbi

 

Knowing what you now know and have been through, what would you say to someone in the same position as you were then? I don't think I phrased that very clearly

 

Exactly what my guitar teacher/spiritual mentor said to me then:

"No matter how hard it is remember: you know that by the end of this, you'll come out of the other side stronger, happier, more secure, knowing yourself better and generally better off as a person."

I've been through phases of believing that - at first I really really believed it and at times it kept me going, then the worse I got the less I believed it. Now I look back and really see that it's true. I know that I'm no where near the end of my journey that is getting over Katherine Grant (we split up more than 2 years ago, which is 6 months longer than we were actually together at all); but with changes on the horizon I've decided to enter a new era in my life and that means facing some of the baggage. Having come to where I am now, I can see that I have grown - I'm definately stronger, I definately know myself a lot better; I think the other 2 need some work but I really think I'm getting there.

Much Love
Sebbi

 

A lot of questions so far have jumped in at the deep end, so I'm going to wade back to the shallow with this one -

What's your favourite food? (can be a region of food eg. Italian, Thai etc)

 

I love food from the East. Especially Indian.

Having done a lot of growing up in Leicester (known as "little India" for a reason) good Indian food reminds me of home. Also the Indian know how to make veggie food!

Not much beats a vegetable samosa.

Except possibly a big pitta stuffed with Falafel, lettuce, tomatos, homous - not the pasty type but the runny type, a bit of spicy sauce of some kind.

Meditarrean food is generally not great if your veggie but when it has it's veggie moments, is HAS it's veggie moments! I think it's all those chick peas, I love stuff based on chick peas (as we've already established). They also know how to use their spices well.

Italian food is also very good, I'm a sucker for Pizza and pasta (though not at the same time, my tummy's not that big).

But when it comes to desserts, again the meditarians win - I LOVE Baclawa (sp?). Especially Lebanese Baclawa; then I think Greek. The Turks don't do it so well though.

Anyway - there you go. I feel like I should be fat talking so passionately about food - I'm only 8 stone (which in itself is a recent development, 7.5 was an achievement not long ago [high metabolism you see]).

Thanks for that question - I enjoyed answering it.

Much Love
Sebbi

 

Well I'm not gonna cook it but I'll order it from...


ZANZIBAR!

If you were an animal what would you be and why?

 

HAHA! That's a great album.

I think I would be something feline. I can't decide whether I'd rather be a big cat or something smaller. I think it changes with my mood, sometimes I do just feel like physically curling up by the fire with a bowl of milk. Sometimes I feel more like stalking prey through the jungle. Either way I'd be a cat.

I already purr and get an unnatural ammount of pleasure from people rubbing behind my ears.

 

What is your drug?

You can take that any way you like....

 

My drug would have to be performance.

Not every performance turns out like this but some do.

What I love about performing is that I can create a universe of energy, that is more true and more vivid than, for me, anything else. If I'm angry, I can create that and be free. You sort of create a wave, then it become something outside of yourself. You start riding and realising that you can no longer stop it, you just have to roll with it and see what happens.

The feeling you have when doing that is incredible, and the buzz just... wow.

It has a come-down afterwards though.

 

Since you're so cat like, are your reflexes crazy fast like a cats and can you see in the dark?

 

It's not so much a reflex thing. It's more a genuine fancination with cat toys.

Also I get undue ammounts of pleasure from being rubbed behind the ears.

 

Have you ever had performances that have brought you down?

 

" Have you ever had performances that have brought you down?"

Yes. In fact I'm a regular sufferer of Post Performance Depression (PPD). Sometimes I don't get it but usually I do. Oddly it's the great performances that hit me harder than the bad ones. If it's bad I'll come off stage and laugh and say "Well, we'll do better next time" if it's great then I'll feel good for like half an hour afterwards. That's the half hour I have stuff to do in terms of packing up and flyering and things. Sometimes I'll be busy for the rest of the night and therefore won't feel the come down until later but it nearly always happens, nearly always the moment I'm alone or get a moment to reflect.

First couple of gigs I had stage fright, but then afterwards I was fine. After those first 2 I had no stage fright whatsoever (and i've never had it since, I'll probably have it the first time we play to a crowd of 1000 or more) but I had PPD.

The first time I got it, I had no idea what was going on. I'm really glad of my guitar teacher because I told him about it and he said he's a sufferer too and that his way of getting round it is literally packing up, then sitting in the car listening to calm music for 20 minutes or so until he feels ready to throw himself back into the world. I later told my director at drama and she said that about a third, maybe more, of the performers she knows are regular sufferers.

I've since collected other peoples experiences of it and I'm now not quite so intimidated by it. I know now it's, for example, partly low blood sugar after an adrenilin rush. I never eat before I go onstage because it tends to muck with my voice so I now know to have something ready for when I come off. It's also partly that I need affection, but that's a bit harder to prepare for.

It's a really horrible feeling. It's like, you feel that despite achieving something really great, there is an underlying pointlessness to your existance. It's almost like a kind of suiicidal feeling. It's like a voice in the back of your mind saying "Great Show - you really moved people! You're still going to die alone though."

You're probably thinking "Have you ever considered that it's symptomatic of an underlying psychological problem?" and the answer's yes. I have considered it. I'm also pretty sure it's the case.

Anyways, so that's my PPD.

Much Love
Sebbi

 

Actually, I think it's more simple than that. A lot of people who use ecstacy get a comedown the day after. Ecstacy releases seratonin and dophamine, and when that's gone, it takes a while to replenish - during which you feel slightly low. Performances, big highs, big rushes of elation, I'm sure they can have the same effect. Not least because you don't want to feeling to end.


But when you're in that situation, do you not take comfort from knowing that, like Christmas, it'll all come again?

 

I don't disagree with the physiological factors you're talking about but I think they're factors and not absolute reasons. Otherwise I'd get PPD every single time a gig's been good, which isn't the case.

I do take some comfort from knowing it'll come again. Often the worst times I get it are when we've had a run of gigs and nothing lined up after that. Someone said that they always try to have at least 1 gig lined up in the future even if it's months and months away, it still helps to know that the gig you've just done won't actually be the last one you do!

I guess performing, for me, isn't about the high, and PPD isn't about the comedown. It goes much deeper than that. If it didn't I don't think I'd perform (and conversely wouldn't come close to throwing in the towel for that matter, if that makes sense).

Much Love
Sebbi

 

Would you like to make it big? Or might that destroy the music for you?

 

It depends what you mean by big.

If you mean signed to a big label with a big budget then yes. If you mean widespread commercial success then no I don't think so.

I think it's better have cult success than commercial success. It means more longevity. In terms of a business model I look up to the Pixies much more than whoever's the current big thing.

There are a few reasons why I'd want us to make it big; the more selfish side is that being small is, quite frankly, a pain. It's not fun slogging your arse off trying to get 3 people to come to one gig. It's far better to be promoted properly and just be able to turn up and there's your fans there.

The real reason why I want us to make it big is because for me, music is about touching people deep inside, and if we're big then the people who are in a place where we could, even for a millisecond, make them slightly happier or more content or less alone, then they'll have more of a chance to hear us and be touched in that way.

One thing that really affected me was one gig where there was a girl standing at the front of the audience just looking up and I really got a sense that what she has been screaming inside was coming out of my mouth in what I was singing and finding that we've moved one person in that way was incredibly moving.

The reason why I'd want us to get big is so that can be spread.

I do think though that it has a danger of killing the music. I think it must be very hard to keep your integrity intact when, essensially, your livelihood resides on what you do next. You've got to not give a shit whether your label will drop you or not I guess. It's difficult I think. Reading tour blogs from people like Amanda Palmer (Dresden Dolls) I get a very strong sense it's difficult to remain inspired when a music career path becomes a day in day out slog!

Much Love
Sebbi

 

Always a difficult one that, whilst impoverished it is art, when one is paid it becomes a job, when you have a job it is difficult to choose to be poor.

Do you dance to other bands or watch and evaluate ?

 

Depends.

If I really don't feel like dancing I'll watch and evaluate. Also, if I don't like the band very much then I'll watch and evaluate. My guitar teacher said that one of the best ways to find out what you love about music isn't just seeing some really good bands but seeing some really bad ones. If you can say why you don't like that band then you've learned pinpointed something that you don't like music and can therefore learn to avoid. Often it won't be specific techniques or forms but overuse of them.

It also depends on how many times I've seen the band - first time I'll dance, second time I'll watch and evaluate, third time I'll dance again.

I prefer dancing to be honest, though I am very inhibited about it. There are two things I love seeing an audience do when we're on stage - one is seeing someone being moved, the other is seeing them move their bodies. Music originated along side dance, it was a witchdoctor with a drum wasn't it. Dancing brings people together, I think. When I everyone is moving their bodies together, they're somehow part of somesort of whole. It's something, I think, really profound.

Anyway - I love dancing to bands. And singing along, with the whole of my lungs, even if I'm out of tune. Music is something that should be felt with the whole body, mind and soul and if the band are good, they can do that to you, in different ways, fast and slow.

Much Love
Sebbi

 

Do you like to mosh?