Ignorant Wisdom

The Wisdom of Collective Ignorance
Knowing Nobody Knows A Damned Thing!
By Wu Li Heron

Ignorant Wisdom
Bullshit Fuzzy Logic
Disturbingly Disruptive Collective Ignorance
Collective Madness
The Great Void
The Mother Of All
Ride The Great Rainbow Fractal Dragon
The Way of Ignorant Virtue
The Foolish Heart of Agnosticism
More Ignorant Socratic Ignorance
Total Flaming Idiots
The Fine Art of Anarchistic Facilitation

Warning!

This book contains bullshit fuzzy logic and linguistic analysis, which have not been approved for public consumption.


Ignorant Wisdom

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Saying nothing, yet leaving nothing unsaid, the bullshit fuzzy logic that can be spoken of is not the enduring bullshit, which is why the timeless wit and wisdom of Socrates are right at home in our Rainbow Warrior poetry, expressing the collective ignorance of millions around the globe today. Archaeological evidence suggests that it was isolated tribes, living in the southern mountains of China, who first popularized the genre known as “Oneness Poetry”, by devising an ingenious system of knots in ropes and marks on turtle shells, allowing them to share more of their favorite jokes and riddles with their neighbors, whom they seldom got to see as often as they’d like. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and the mountains where these tribes lived were so steep even the goats complained, and the only way they could have been more isolated was if they had lived at the north pole. But, that was long, long, ago in the time before time, at the very dawn of agriculture, almost six thousand years before Stone Henge was erected. Long before graffiti ever became a problem, or the first recognizable outhouses were built, the Chinese were already developing the rudiments of written language based on potty humor, and you might think they were pretty smart, but you’d be surprised just how long it took them to figure out, you don’t actually need the turtle shells and rope, and any damned fool can just scratch a few marks in the dirt with a stick!

After that though, their Oneness Poetry took off like wildfire, and people were scratching jokes and riddles in the dirt and writing on the walls of every crapper in China, sometimes desperate to make their own more ignorant contributions. Over the next five thousand years or so, the industrious buggers refined their unique Chinese brand of polite tribal potty humor into a fine art and science, eventually producing the more family oriented potty humor oracle, known as the “I-Ching”, or “Book of Changes” and, many thousands of years later still, the crowning achievement of Oneness Poetry and potty humor, “The Tao Te Ching”, or “The Way of Ignorant Virtue” Frequently described as requiring half an hour to read, and a lifetime to comprehend, with many still debating to this day whether it is the deepest philosophical well on the planet, or the deepest pile of manure ever conceived by man.

Everybody I know agrees its both and, of course, that makes the Tao Te Ching the perfect bathroom companion but, whatever your personal taste in reading material and literature, a version of that little book went on to become the most popular comic book sold in Asia! The author is only known by the pen name of Lao Tzu, or “Gray Haired Child”, and many still complain to this day that their children make their hair turn gray. As many as 300 million people worship the original text, and billions more read it upon occasion but, not being religious myself, I really have to admire a religion with a sense of humor about itself in this Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World! Anyway, right around the same time that the Tao Te Ching was first published in China, on the other side of the planet, Socrates of Athens had inherited his own tribal tradition, but his was an oral tradition, that never did translate nearly as well into a written one.

Tribal comedy traditions were as common as dirt back then, and wildly popular in even big cities like Athens, but the wealthy and middle class establishment eventually got sick and tired of his less refined jokes, and sentenced him to death in a kangaroo court trial, for making them all look like complete idiots in public. Athens had hit the jackpot, and money was pouring into the city like never before, while Socrates had watched in horror, as many of his closest friends and neighbors lives were destroyed, in a mad scramble over money of all things. Having been poor his entire life, he knew money could never buy happiness and, normally as quiet as a church mouse, at 80 years old he surprised everybody who knew him, when he boldly stepped forward amidst the ensuing widespread panic and confusion, threatening to devolve into complete pandemonium and overwhelm the fair streets of his much beloved city, and proceeded to flagrantly, audaciously, unabashedly, and bodaciously, openly challenge the reigning accepted authorities and prevailing conventional wisdom, by scandalously asking questions of anyone foolish enough to answer them, even in crowded public places!

He loved to drink, but hated to drink alone, and in his golden years, preferred to meander leisurely throughout Athens, schmoozing with everybody in town, while quietly getting drunk. When, out of the blue, he suddenly started asking a lot of stupid questions in public well, naturally, he got everybody’s attention, but his confusing questions always went round in circles, revealing how the recognized authorities and prevailing conventional wisdom contradicted themselves, favoring the wealthy and the middle class, and were not to be trusted by the peasants. Athens had a reputation as a rough town and, for example, if you wanted to get people’s attention in public, back then the prudent thing to do was to first shout out the traditional plea for the indulgence of the mindless mob, “Strike if you must, but hear me first!” Some people just require a little more warning than others that you might actually have something to say worth listening to, and Socrates grew up in a rough neighborhood himself, possibly explaining why he was normally so quiet but, rough town or not, when they start lynching quiet old drunks for merely asking stupid questions and repeating the lamest handful of jokes imaginable, you can bet there’s money involved, and the truth is the last thing anybody wants to know!

Socrates became the first modern day martyr for barflies, stand-up comedians, and politicians alike who, over two thousand years later, still ritualistically beg their respective drunk patrons and constituents not to lynch them. When his good friend and drinking buddy, Plato, later wrote a book about his death it became a best seller, and helped to establish ethics and democratic institutions as the foundations of Western philosophy and legal systems which, you could say, are based on barroom jokes older than monuments, still being repeated to this day. Unable to afford expensive books, for centuries, illiterate peasants throughout Europe celebrated the anniversary of his death by drinking toasts to him in bars, recounting his numerous exploits, inventing new Socratic jokes, and establishing their own “Socratic Wisdom of Collective Ignorance” to help them avoid being exploited. Some might assume that I’m exaggerating the importance of one drunk Native, cracking lame jokes for free drinks in bars and performing his family’s traditional carnival side-show act, but one of the first things Adolf Hitler did in office, was to make it illegal to crack jokes about the Nazi party and, of course, then he sent the lynch mobs around to all the bars to hang all the Natives, and anybody else who might even think about cracking a joke he didn’t like!

Whenever possible, Plato also thoroughly enjoyed schmoozing as much as any man alive however, unlike Socrates, he loved nothing more than being the center of attention and, like Martha Stewart, was a popular author of the day on aesthetics. After protesting the Athenians killing his close friend for merely having a sense of humor about his civic responsibilities, Plato used his influence with the Romans to have all 76 works of his biggest literary rival, Democritus, burned throughout the empire as “Ugly And Demeaning” which, no doubt, increased sales of his own book on the ethics of Socrates. Perhaps wisely, Socrates himself remained largely uneducated, preferring to hang out in bars, and recommended avoiding reading too many stupid books. Other Greek philosophers, such as Zeno of Elea, were also famous for their standup comedy routines, that regularly drew large crowds from all over Greece, but they tended to stick with the popular metaphysical comedies of the day that had almost nothing to do with reality, much less politics, or their comedy seldom lasted! Over the centuries, rather than political comedy, the ancient Greek philosophers had became famous for pondering many of the more profound questions still vexing philosophers to this day, such as, whether or not there are any limits to human stupidity, when to call a pile of sand a heap of sand, or bullshit bullshit, whether its possible for lawyers and compulsive liars to actually lie to themselves, and whether or not you can step in the same pile of crap twice.

In spite of having acquired a lifetime of wisdom hanging out in bars, and having mastered his ancient tribal tradition, of insipidly asking questions that always led round in circles, for once his shaman’s home-brewed mental Judo and Aikido training had failed him, due to his failing to recognize that civilized people tend to organize along the same lines of an enormous flock of brainless chickens while, in my opinion, his particular brand of tribal comedy was obviously better suited for more intimate gatherings, such as birthday parties, weddings, and Barmitzvas. His confusion was understandable, since chickens were only starting to become popular in the West at the time, and tribal groups tend to be small, but sociologists estimate that right around four hundred people is when all the insanity starts to set in. Not because people are inherently stupid, selfish, or violent, but because it simply becomes impossible to get anything accomplished any other way! The larger any group becomes, the more technology they require just to maintain any semblance of order and, if you can’t even get your crap together enough to organize like brainless chickens, the only alternative is total chaos, while all the money flying around Athens had incited a feeding frenzy among all the more indignant higher ranking chickens!


Taoists like to say, “Its the simple shit that always gets you!” Which is why Tzun Tzu’s “Art of War” is required reading in every military academy around the world, because Three Stooges slapstick is about as creative and artistic as the military ever gets, and is never to be overestimated. Military intelligence is a complete oxymoron, so keep it simple stupid, because anybody in the military who doesn’t appreciate the fine Art of War becomes cannon fodder! Any damned fool you send out on the battlefield first, just to see which way the bullets are flying, is considered cannon fodder and, by all accounts, Socrates was among the strangest and ugliest men alive, with extremely questionable personal hygiene, and would have stood out in any crowd and made great cannon fodder, except he also happened to be among the shortest and oldest men alive, and normally so quiet he would have made a better doorstop, so long as you kept his glass full!

Nevertheless, they say his walk was so fierce that the biggest assholes in town stepped aside whenever he came through, and nobody ever mistook him for a doorstop or cannon fodder, whenever he walked into a room or had something to say. Its the quiet ones you have to watch out for and, for all his short-comings, Socrates was a proud veteran, who had remained vigorously active in his community affairs, and had earned a reputation far and wide as the wisest man in the world, who had managed to survive to a ripe old age, because he knew when to keep his mouth shut, and knew the Art of War better than any man alive! Nobody in his neighborhood could afford fancy books or an education, so Socrates showed them all how to make more sense out of the school of hard knocks, and how to avoid being exploited, by working on your personal integrity and your sense of humor. More so than most men, Socrates knew life demands a sense of humor, which is something everybody has to figure out for themselves the hard way. Although he paid the ultimate price for the sake of his friends and neighbors, he also knew that the truth hurts for a reason, which is why war never decided the truth and, by keeping it simple, he single handedly changed the course of Western Civilization, from a bar stool!

Aristotle was another good friend of Plato, but he was a real busy-back-soon type, who never did enjoy schmoozing as much, nonetheless, he intuitively comprehended Three Stooges slapstick, and managed to reorganize all of the sciences in roughly the same way they’re still organized to this day. But, it was someone else in Rome, who had been carefully examining everything he wrote, who discovered that Aristotle’s intuitive grasp of lowbrow slapstick was profound indeed, and he had unwittingly published the foundations for modern formal logic. With the eventual widespread adoption of his new and improved formal Three Stooges Logic, the Roman Empire was now poised to begin the industrial revolution, but failed to do so, which historians have frequently attributed to their being a slave culture. Unfortunately, in spite of ancient Rome having perfected Three Stooges Logic, a quarter of the developed world still insisting the sun revolves around the earth, the Roman emperors being as disturbingly insane as they come, and modern presidents now beginning to rival them, nevertheless, few historians have ever dared to compare the Roman Empire and modern civilization, to an enormous flock of brainless chickens. Comparing several billion people to brainless chickens, when they frequently act like brainless chickens, is just asking for trouble!

Chickens are actually smarter than most assume, and not entirely brainless, but the reputation of innocent chickens everywhere has suffered horribly from frequently being compared to people. More importantly at the time, unlike the traditions of Socrates and most of his contemporaries, Aristotle’s new logic didn’t require asking a lot of unnecessary stupid questions, and eschewed mysticism or anything even vaguely resembling a genuine sense of humor, making it much less likely to get you killed by the occasional enthusiastic lynch mob, the middle class, or the wealthy. Subsequently, his new logic swept the empire by storm, and was widely hailed as a minor miracle and a triumph of modern civilization, and immediately integrated into every existing mainstream cultural institution that was even remotely compatible. However, instead of signaling the start of the industrial revolution, or anything resembling an age of science, reason, and enlightenment, a power struggle ensued and the entire Western hemisphere slowly began to change drastically for the worse! It was as if the fictitious character Surac, of Star Trek fame, had taught his dispassionate Vulcan philosophy of peace through logic, as a more meaningful alternative to the already widely established schools of lowbrow comedy, and had even managed to successfully reorganize all of the sciences, only to eventually inspire the collapse of the Roman Empire and a thousand years of religious wars, culminating in the dark ages.

Rome had always tolerated a wild diversity of religions, with Christianity being a notable exception, because it suggested that the Romans were wasting all their time and money, sacrificing animals to the gods and atoning for their sins, when all they had to do was to practice symbolic cannibalism. The Romans rightfully believed Christianity was a subversive cult that could ruin their entire guilt riddled economy and way of life, and decided to throw the early Christians to the lions in the coliseum, in order to show them how the lucrative business of forgiveness works, and to teach them how to beg for forgiveness with cold hard cash in hand, and to prove to everybody’s satisfaction that it remains far healthier to feed people to animals, than to eat people, even symbolically. Of course, the Christians sued for slander and complained to the better business bureau, but it turned out that the new religion was particularly compatible with Aristotle’s new Three Stooges Logic, and was much more modern, abstract, and aesthetically pleasing than any of the existing religions with, for example, the book of Mathew being written by one of the best selling fiction authors of the day, and the “Sermon on the Mount” still widely considered one of the greatest literary masterpieces of all time.

Italians sure do love their drama and, eventually, they established the Catholic Church which, along with adopting many of the Roman holidays, carefully integrated Aristotle’s logic into their radical new theology of see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil, but the aristocracy insisted they compromise on charging for forgiveness, and merely do away with the middleman altogether, by banning witchcraft and animal sacrifices. God might or might not forgive a peasant if they merely asked for forgiveness, but a rich man could always buy forgiveness from the church with cash on the barrel head, and God will bless them. To this very day, wealthy people still commonly buy forgiveness in almost any court of law, without the need for performing any elaborate, messy, or undignified rituals involving slaughtering innocent lambs, the occasional sacrificial goat, or throwing credulous fools to the wolves and lions.

Thus began the religious wars, as all the money floated to the top faster than ever before, squeezing out the middleman at every opportunity, and literally burning their competition at the stake all across Europe! That is, until they reached Poland where the men finally put a stop to it and told the assholes Rome would have to send more soldiers, if they wanted to burn anymore of their women alive. The Polish may be dumb, but they ain’t stupid or wimps, and they all love their mamas. Nevertheless, across Europe, religion increasingly became more of a commercial business, with the Christians systematically attacking the “pagan” religions, which were still charging far less for forgiving your sins and, sometimes, had been instrumental in helping to throw the early Christians to the lions. Of course, nobody knows better than Christians, that when you own the monopoly on forgiveness, dead people and dead religions are always so much easier to forgive, with some Christians today believing that its possible to even convert dead people, and all will be forgiven. Rather than Aristotle’s new Three Stooges Logic kick-starting the industrial revolution two thousand years early, the Romans had used it to consolidate all of their religions and various schools of thought, producing their own consecrated Three Stooges corporate takeover Ponzi scheme, to cut out the middleman whenever possible, and make it much easier for a rich man to get into heaven, and the rest to all get in line, and organize like an enormous flock of indignant chickens.

The Italians have a real gift for political theater, and know their damned chickens, and would eventually go on to invent the Mafia and modern bureaucracy, both for the sole purpose of fighting corruption in government. People still debate to this day which is worse, and generally agree the international conglomerates put them all to shame. Later, Islam would also adopt Aristotle’s Logic, as the entire Western hemisphere slowly began to reorganize along the lines of increasingly larger flocks of brainless chickens. Eventually, once all the wealth had long since floated to the top, and the religious wars began to die down a bit, sometime after the dark ages had begun to noticeably recede, it was Galileo of Galilee who became famous for repeating the same mistake as Socrates, of foolishly assuming that the mainstream and the wealthy actually give a crap about the truth, and don’t just pay the truth a lot of lip service.

One of the more enduring legacies of Aristotle’s logic is that conservatives everywhere commonly possess a stunted sense of humor, and Galileo was a widely respected conservative curmudgeon in his day, with absolutely no sense of humor whatsoever. Nevertheless, for unknown reasons, the stupid truth had always meant a lot to him, just as it had to Socrates and, as gravely as he could, he showed all of academia how they could drop their balls, open their eyes, and prove to themselves that, just because everybody claims something is true, doesn’t make it so. Galileo’s complete lack of guile or a sense of humor saved his life, and they merely imprisoned him at home and excommunicated him, for daring to challenge the recognized authorities and the prevailing conventional wisdom with the stupid truth. However, after organizing like the Three Stooges for over a millennium, they were too late to prevent him from spreading his radically subversive and, unthinkable, heretical idea of using actual physical evidence, to challenge some of the more insane widespread beliefs of the mainstream hegemony who, of course, normally could not care less about the stupid truth which, obviously, could easily get you imprisoned, tortured, and killed!

Unwittingly, Galileo had instigated an arms race among the chickens by exposing their greatest weakness, that the self-evident truth is the last damned thing the idiots care about! And, when the apple later fell on Isaac Newton’s head and he invented his laws of motion, they were based on the simple observation that the sky isn’t actually falling, and for every chicken pecking another one, there is always an equal but opposite reaction. As exciting as all of Europe had discovered it could be to play “Peeping Tom” with the new telescopes being invented, while dropping their own balls off the tops of tall buildings, within a century of Newton’s discovery, someone would figure out how to use his much more powerful “Reactionary Laws of Motion” to calibrate a cannon, so anyone could figure out how far away they could be, and still hit the target every time. Overnight, the knowledge made every castle in the world obsolete, forcing chickens everywhere to flea the coop, and to begin hotly debating what constitutes physical evidence, and the even more troubling and mysterious self-evident truth... Yet another grimly humorless power struggle ensued to determine exactly which chickenshit mainstream conventional wisdom would prevail, as new empires rose and fell, eventually leading to the establishment of the modern military-industrial complex, as a direct result of the French Revolution.

The French have always been famous for their fancy cooking, and known for preferring to buy their food fresh every day, and for eating anything that moves including frogs and snails. And, when Marie Antoinette suggested the peasants eat cake when they were all starving to death, they did what you might expect any farmer would do with a chicken that makes too much damned noise, and cut off her head, along with the heads of many of the more influential academics and authorities, for obviously all being incapable of truly appreciating fine French cuisine, and far too stupid to be allowed to live. Without hesitation, whenever possible, they immediately replaced the whole lot with the brightest peasants in the land and, five years later, Napoleon Bonaparte would teach all of Europe the meaning of, “High Tech Peasant Warfare”. Within a decade, in turn, all of the more powerful European nations would each establish their own state funded universities for the brightest and hungriest peasants, many of whom died before the age of 30 from complications caused by episodic childhood starvation. However, the turning point came with the American Civil War which established, once and for all, that he who has the most starving peasants, food, and guns, wins.

Even before the invention of the steam engine, slaves were so cheap half of them died on the voyage from Africa, and the average slave working the cane fields in the Caribbean only survived for five years. A ten pound bag of sugar came at the cost of some poor fool’s life, and the introduction of the steam engine had made imports faster and cheaper than ever before. The struggle between man and machine is as old as the invention of the wheel and, having been raised poor himself, growing up in a log cabin, honest Abe decided slavery had no future in the modern world, where starving peasants were even cheaper to import, usually paying for their own passage these days, and willing to fight for their freedom and their next meal.

Of course, outside of the modern world, the introduction of the steam engine caused slavery to spread everywhere imaginable, with there being an estimated 350 million slaves in the world today, but the cheap cost of peasants, and the fact they keep migrating towards the best sources of food, largely eliminated the practice in the developed world, as far too expensive, and socially unacceptable. After WWII, the US military realized all of their potential recruits were suffering from severe malnutrition, and would not know how to feed themselves properly, even assuming somebody gave them the money to buy real food. Eventually inspiring the controversial adoption of minimum wage, food stamps, farm subsidies, vitamin fortified breakfast cereals, and twenty million illegal aliens, as all viable alternatives to slavery in the modern world. To this day, common sense has it that neither conventional wisdom, empirical evidence, nor the stupid truth mean squat, unless you have the food and the guns to back them up, with weapons still being the single largest manufactured export of the largest exporter in the world, the US, which also exports more food than anybody else.


All roads lead to Rome, because the Roman Empire was exporting so many soldiers and weapons, and importing slaves, peasants, war treasures, water, and everything else imaginable, that they couldn’t build new roads fast enough to keep up with all the traffic, and had to put former soldiers on the dole just in case anybody, like the Germans, got any stupid ideas about doing a quick smash and grab, attempting to loot the city, using the same roads they had built to haul everything in on. The former soldiers were all drafted, serving for a decade on the average, and had all of their property confiscated by the wealthy while they were away fighting wars for them and, sometimes, could be almost as much of a threat as the Germans, so the Roman senate wisely decided it was best to keep feeding and entertaining them, since they were still drafting more. As you might expect, concrete was among the first technological miracles the Roman's introduced, and their concrete remained the strongest in the world, right up into modern times. Among the Roman Empire’s many claims to fame is inventing modern tourism and creating the greatest show on earth, based on the philosophy that for the show to go on, all roads must lead to Rome, and they must build roads faster, and take the show on the road!

The Mongols conquered the world on horseback, including Italy at one point, nonetheless at great expense, the Romans constructed some 250,000 miles of roads, as if welcoming the Mongol hoards and, to this day, capitalism is still all about showmanship, and turning plowshares into swords and super highways, who has the brightest peasants or can import them faster, and can export the most food and high tech weapons. The US is the third most populous country in the world, yet still imports half the geniuses on the planet, and routinely wins half the Nobel Prizes and Olympic Medals. They say Americans love a winner and hate a loser, which is why our military is equal to the next six largest in the world combined, because winning isn’t everything on the battlefield, its the only thing, and everybody who survives loves a winner.

While in office, the war weighed heavily on Lincoln’s conscience, and he discovered the hard way that size does matter but, if you have a large enough military, eventually you will find a winner among all the losers. The US also foots half the bills for both NATO and the UN, and has been called “An enemy you can trust”, because there’s no need to start WWIII or hold too many grudges when, for all practical purposes, you already own half the damned planet worth owning, and would be hard pressed to export weapons any faster. For example, China has only recently completed building their national highway system and, in the process, created the worst traffic jam in history which, depending on who you ask, lasted anywhere from nine days to over a year.

India has only begun building a national highway system and its only considered a traffic jam there if you have to go backwards for longer than half an hour, Europe is still working on digging enormous tunnels and building enormous bridges everywhere, while its extremely difficult to sell high tech weapons to people living in mud huts and tin shacks so, in the ancient Roman tradition, we encourage them all to build roads faster. Star Trek and the Jetsons are still everybody’s fantasy, and your Field of Dreams ain’t nothing but a mud hole, if everybody dies before they can get there. These days, even before invading their worst enemy, the US military Sea-bees make plans for building roads the minute they get there, and for organizing emergency services for natural disasters. Thus, ensuring they can always take the show on the road, and have a distribution system and a surviving population they can sell more food, weapons, T-shirts, cellphones, and the latest Hollywood movies and video games!

And, when they ran out of new worlds to conquer and new roads to build, just to keep the road crews busy, they paved paradise and put up a parking lot! The chickens constantly complain about the service and that nobody’s in charge around here, and I tell them, “It’s Empire baby, and this train ain’t stopping until she derails!” Rainbow Warriors are often tribal and, sometimes, refer to civilized people as “Babylonians” because, rather than asking simple questions and cracking stupid jokes, they typically prefer to babble complete nonsense, argue over totally meaningless bullshit, brazenly lie to each other, and erect the most elaborate Towers of Babel imaginable, while frequently running round in circles screaming and shouting, “The Sky Is Falling!” and “Off With Their Heads!”

Two thousand years after Aristotle first taught them how to formally organize like chickens, in countries around the globe today, conservative Babylonians, of every nationality and persuasion, remain deeply suspicious of modern science, empirical evidence, and anyone with a well developed sense of humor, or anybody running around asking too many damned questions, while half of them still insist the sun revolves around the earth. All the newest evidence indicates the differences between liberals and conservatives are largely genetic, suggesting that, at least in American politics, the lights are only left on because nobody is ever home to turn them off. An informed electorate that insists the sun revolves around the earth, and votes for Mickey Mouse, is a complete contradiction in terms, and its bizarre, to say the least, to listen to the idiots attempt to justify what they call politics, when their espoused political beliefs are so vacuous, you can predict how they vote using genetic testing, and the only reason Fox News isn’t labeled fake news, is because they can afford enough lawyers to call a sow’s ear a silk purse, and charge as much as the market will bear.

Of course, nobody bothers with genetic testing, because they already know damned well the idiots will believe anything you repeat often enough and vote for whichever clown advertises the most. The very idea their political beliefs even matter to themselves for anything more than cheap thrills, comforting lies, endless distractions, and instant gratification is merely another one of their more popular delusions. Studies indicate that both republicans and democrats hate each other more than they trust their own political parties, and its a grudge match straight out of Professional Wrestling.

Despite endless complaints about evil governments and evil corporations constantly lying to them and destroying the fabric of society, there is no demand whatsoever for lie detectors, even though you can buy one built into a cellphone these days. There’s no reason every TV, cellphone, and courtroom in America couldn’t come with its own built-in lie detector and fact checkers, complete with a loud buzzer that goes off every time some damned fool lies, and modern lie detectors are almost as accurate as Newtonian mechanics. But, the truth has always been a hard sell, and conservatives everywhere tend to view the slightest suggestion that they are irrational, much less blatant liars, as a grave insult because, of course, chickens are the masters of acting indignant.

After a century of concerted efforts, nobody has ever documented the existence of common sense anywhere in the world and, according to modern science, nobody has any common sense, because there’s no such thing as common sense or conventional wisdom. Many have claimed that Americans don’t have a culture but, as far as anybody can tell, for thousands of years, the entire Western hemisphere has just been making it all up as they go along, believing whatever bullshit happens to sound good to the idiots, or whatever anybody repeats often enough. Westerners are famous for being creative and, once you get over about four hundred people, conventional wisdom and common sense can become little more than a popular excuse to lie and spout complete bullshit more often, while Americans aren’t famous for quality products at reasonable prices, but for Hollywood movies, marketing, franchises, and a line of crap a mile long. Unfortunately, all that creativity comes at the price of the worst lies sometimes deeply dividing the country, and coming back to bite us in the ass, as in the American Civil War!

A century after the invention of writing a citizen of Babylon left a message, on a cuneiform tablet, complaining that the new invention was ruining their children, who had become lazy and no longer bothered to memorize everything. The US was the first country to adopt universal literacy, but a century and a half ago 95% of the population was illiterate and lucky if they ever traveled two hundred miles from where they were born, making common sense and conventional wisdom frequently the best they could manage and, if Mark Twain is any example, it was also one of the few forms of cheap entertainment available. Forty years of extensive studies concluded the republican party organizes along the same lines as a flock of chickens, while yet another forty years of extensive studies conducted by neurologists, concluded that our neurons also organize like chickens. Further research has revealed that our neurons have little choice, because their vast numbers make attempting to organize in more complex ways horribly inefficient. Donald Hoffman is a Game theorist who spent ten years studying all the neurological evidence and running one computer simulation after another, only to reluctantly conclude that if the human mind and brain had ever remotely resembled anything like reality, we would already be an extinct species.

Tragically, the moral of “The Emperor’s New Clothes” is that, in spite of being the absolute worst liar on the planet, “Big Brother” gained control of the government in George Orwell’s “1984”, because the idiots have been lying to themselves for so long they’ll believe almost anything you repeat often enough, and Three Stooges slapstick, reality TV, and Professional Wrestling are about as sophisticated as it gets, unless you happen to like televangelists. Thus, comprehending the many profound mysteries behind chickenshit Babylonian bullshit, begins with first grasping the blatantly obvious truth, that the more frequently they all lie to themselves and demand that everybody else lie to them, the more incoherent they become, the more easily confused and startled they become, the more irrational, and the faster they collectively run in circles screaming, “Off With Their Heads!” For chickens, contentment is both the enemy of the status quo and the enemy of growth and progress, and the only thing Big Brother had to do was to keep offering the chickens something new and exciting to peck at, and war can truly be peace when you’ve never known anything remotely like the truth, much less real peace, and prefer to keep arguing over how to make such petty distinctions.

Hitler’s “Big Lie” was nothing more than yet another “Big Lie”, because the chickens enforce the lowest common denominator, believing almost anything you repeat often enough, resulting in their progressively becoming incapable of recognizing the simple truth if it bit them in the ass. For example, a strong majority of Americans tend to ignore any evidence they believe contradicts conventional wisdom, nonetheless, fake news and misinformation increase website traffic, over 40% of the population casually spread misinformation they gather on social media, and over half insist the government and corporations they call evil lie to them for their own protection, and are usually much too liberal about these things, arguing that see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil and voting for whichever clown advertises the most, or yells the loudest, is the only realistic political compromise possible. With everyone loudly insisting that everybody else lie to them, naturally, Babylonians also tend to deeply distrust their own mass media, which is increasingly commercializing all of the more soothing, calming, thoughtful, intriguing, provocative, titillating, riveting, and galvanizing lies that the mainstream demands, to go along with the recent surplus of computer generated gratuitous violence.

Having no sense of humor worth anybody ever mentioning, what Galileo and Aristotle had both failed to take into account was the moral of “The Emperor’s New Cloths” that, in the name of common sense, young and old alike were discouraged from accepting even the evidence of their own senses, much less, from asking too many damned questions, cracking any stupid jokes, or laughing at anything. In ancient times, the tax collector was sometimes the only stranger that peasants might see all year long, and they could easily have their head cut off on the spot for contradicting authorities, or running around asking too many stupid questions, much less daring to laugh or crack a joke, and conservatives still sometimes say, “Children should be seen and not heard”. The Roman emperor Caligula once paraded through Rome naked, and you can bet everybody smacked any little kids that might have dared to laugh, because he was insane enough to never hesitate to rape or kill anyone, just to entertain the mindless mob!

Like warriors on a battlefield in a life or death situation, Babylonians still frequently go to extremes such as deliberately lying to their own children, taking them to churches where the preachers encourage them to blame the whole world for all their problems, and will even beat them regularly, in order to stunt their sense of humor and make them more grimly determined, vicious, and competitive. If our glorious leader of the free world rode a horse naked on the White House lawn, you can rest assured that countless conservatives would all salute the flag, and smack their kids if they dared to laugh. The liberal half of Babylon is less extreme, but still relies heavily on complete bullshit, sarcasm, blatant lies, and Aristotle’s logic just to get anything accomplished.

Chickens seldom care about the truth, and will even peck away at their own reflection in a mirror while, sometimes, I tell particularly sarcastic Babylonians, “You cannot attack what you cannot comprehend”. The Irish potato famine, for example, was caused by English landlords raising the price of rent so high that the peasants could only afford to eat potatoes, and a potato blight caused them to starve by the millions. Dead peasants don’t pay rent, and the English economy was suffering as a result of their own greed, which became known euphemistically as “The Irish Problem”. Johnathan Swift was a popular author and a liberal Englishman, who optimistically wrote a sarcastic letter to the editor, suggesting that it was every loyal Englishman’s duty to eat Irish babies, in order to prop up their economy and, for his efforts, he received several thousand letters from people asking where they could buy their Irish babies and find recipes.

My grandmother used to say, “Sarcasm can be many things, but is never pretty” because, of course, sarcasm is just more elaborate Three Stooges slapstick in the name of common sense, that refuses to acknowledge the blatantly obvious truth, that sharing the truth or a genuine sense of humor, are the last damned things that common sense ever promotes! Regrettably, when you lie to yourself all the time, refuse to share the truth, and demand that everybody else lie to you, you have sold your own damned soul down the river, and Three Stooges slapstick is your new religion! The moral of the story of Job in the Bible is that, no matter how bad life gets, its flat out impossible to not have faith that there exists a higher truth, than lowbrow Babylonian slapstick and the mindless mob. An intellectual chicken is a complete oxymoron, and sarcasm often explodes into violence because its just so many chickens arguing over who is the better liar and, for example, our glorious leader of the free world has well over 4,000 blatant lies attributed to him during his time in office alone, and his proud supporters would reject him immediately if he ever stopped lying.

But, chickens make good pets and little kids love them, while reality TV and Professional Wrestling are the cult of personality, that worships corn and how loud you can crow. In West Virginia they still say to this day, “You ain’t nothing if you ain’t a chicken thief!” If ya can’t steal an egg from a chicken, you are the stupid chicken! So, as an experiment, I conducted my own informal online survey for over a decade, only to confirm that well over half the people I was talking to, make up their own definitions for words.

Almost none of those I surveyed either suspected or cared in the slightest, even when informed, that the common dictionary is as common as dirt, merely containing popular definitions, listed in the order of how frequently people use them. In spite of everybody agreeing to answer my two simple questions, most of them complained that my questions seemed totally pointless, even after I explained their meaning and purpose, and complained that I was obviously wasting their time, with some flat out accusing me of lying about the dictionary. Frequently, they demanded I provide extensive documentation and links to back up my claim about the dictionary, and all of them declined my suggestion to read any of the twenty free dictionaries available online, and declined my offer to teach anyone how to use a dictionary and a search engine.

Chickens will peck at anything and don’t care about what noises they make either, unless they happen to believe it might come back to haunt them, and prefer to debate the definition of stupid over discussing the humble truth, like rational adults. I’m sure I could have created sparkly red, white, and blue web pages proclaiming Wikipedia and The Oxford English Dictionary are an evil commie plot hatched by militant atheists, now hellbent on censoring the internet, corrupting our youth, and manipulating our elections with the help of dissident Russian hackers, and it would have garnered a great deal of attention, merely because chickens are always looking for something new and exciting to peck at, while the very idea that a chicken needs to think about what they peck at is absurd! They also tend to be suspicious of everything imaginable, become easily confused if you merely avoid arguing with them, point fingers all the time and, of course, are the masters of acting indignant. But, that’s also why little kids love them, and why they make such good pets, especially if you have a sense of humor, know the Art of War, and don’t take all of their indignant posturing personally, or expect a stupid chicken to act like it has half a brain.

Conservatives have declared war on everything but the kitchen sink, because nobody wants to do the dishes, and because chickens can never have enough things to peck at, and will sometimes even go to war with themselves. With continuing progress in robotics, conservatives have started to declare war on the kitchen sink, and the only thing Americans will never declare war on are all the lies, being widely promoted as the solution to all their problems. Once, a conservative Babylonian attempted to bait me, claiming that I had somehow suggested he was cold and heartless, when I never said anything about him personally, and never so much as remotely hinted at any such a thing. Without reservation, I told him that I didn’t think he was heartless, since I didn’t even know the man, but recommended he work on his sense of humor. That conservatives are well known for their stunted sense of humor, and politics without a well developed sense of humor, is like an unhealthy infatuation with an inflatable sex doll, with all of the accompanying ugly lowbrow slapstick, its best to avoid whenever possible.

Calling a brainless chicken a blatant liar, an asshole, or whatever is totally pointless, when all you can do is encourage them to keep arguing over the definition of stupid, or declare war on something new! A heart without a brain and a brain without a heart is the story of La-La Land somewhere over the rainbow, which is why I tell people you have to be smarter than a damned chicken, there really is no choice! A Missouri judge legally declared chickens “Walking Vegetables” and, of course, its pointless to call a vegetable heartless. Will Rogers once noted that, “An onion will make you cry, but there never was a vegetable that could make people laugh.” If it walks like a chicken, talks like a chicken, pecks at everything like a chicken, then its safe enough to assume that, until proven otherwise, its a damned chicken, and if you are not familiar with chickens, or walking vegetables, I suggest watching just enough reality TV and Professional Wrestling to get the basic idea.

Both liberals and conservatives alike have attempted to attack everything I say, even when I tell them I don’t vote and, after a lifetime of following American politics, I still don’t believe for one second, that anybody has ever been in charge around here! Bonzo the Chimp for President! The idiots demand proof for everything, then reject even their own stupid dictionary and empirical evidence, and elect a president who is a lawyer, real estate agent, reality TV star, and lifelong Professional Wrestling fan credited with 4,000 to 25,000 blatant lies during his time in office alone, including still insisting his predecessor is not a US citizen. The chickens have totally lost it in recent years, and the workaholic white population of the US has the highest rates of suicide, alcoholism, rape, divorce, child abuse, and abortion, and likes to point out that blacks have the highest homicide rates, because all the other demographics indicate white people are the biggest assholes in the country! Their population has been imploding faster than any other on the damned planet, with the lowest reproductive rates anywhere, for over half a century. Meaning liberals can now help to overthrow the conservative “Moral Majority”, by selling them cheap handguns, porn, and liquor!

The only way the republican party could possibly become more lily white, is if they all started wearing bed sheets and, all across the country, mortality rates have been going through the roof, and the whole affair just seems so tragically pointless, you'd swear William Faulkner would give up writing, while if the marching morons kill themselves any faster, in the name of hard work, freedom, and lower taxes, it will have to go in the Guinness book of records. They keep claiming the republican party is a political party, when their own membership overwhelmingly demands a dictatorship, and all any of them will spout is rhetorical nonsense. Even Mel Brooks could not make this shit up, with freedom fighters in the Wild West committing voluntary genocide in the name of lower taxes and free enterprise, while demanding a dictatorship and still insisting the sun revolves around the earth! Out of good conscience, I personally can’t defend the right to vote or the freedom of speech of complete idiots, who reject their own dictionary, still insist the sun revolves around the earth, demand everybody lie to them for their own protection, and whose conservative family values don’t appear to promote survival, much less, reproduction of the species. Working yourselves to death, calling your own country evil, and killing yourselves and each other, is just no way to bring back the good old days, unless you happen to be the Hatfields and McCoys!

The popular band “Yes” said it best for countless hippies like me, “I’ve seen all good people turn their heads each day, so satisfied, I’m on my way!” I’m outta here baby, time to blow this Popsicle stand! Long ago, many of us learned to keep our distance from the more insane Babylonians, brazenly strutting all over the place and acting like indignant chickens, constantly complaining about the service, endlessly spouting sarcasm and blatant lies, and seldom ever questioning just how often they contradict themselves. There’s just no such thing as reasoning with either brainless chickens, tiny infants, or complete idiots who lie to themselves all the time and demand the whole world lie to them. Occasionally, looking for love in all the wrong places, yelling “jump” to people on the tops of tall buildings for cheap thrills, attempting to buy happiness on Fantasy Island, trampling each other to death for low-low-low-as-you-can-go prices, voting for Mickey Mouse because he offers the most believable tax cuts, endlessly pointing fingers, and always attempting to sound more exciting, reasonable, and convincing, while refusing to use a stupid dictionary, much less, ever seriously attempting to share their words and play nice.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle em with bullshit and, enthusiastically believing themselves to be clever, brainless chickens will commonly deny the truth at the drop of a hat, and make endless bogus claims and spout endless bullshit demands, over even the stupidest crap imaginable, that they may know absolutely nothing about, as if they were merely two years old. In the US, for example, our glorious leader used a magic marker on TV attempting to prove the weatherman was wrong, and a hurricane would hit Alabama instead of Georgia because, like any two year old, chickens are often lucky if they vaguely comprehend that the truth actually exists, if you tell them its on sale at Walmart. But you can rest assured his supporters all consider him to be extremely mature, shrewd, and astute, and merely eccentric, because he speaks their chickenshit language. In recent years, professional comedians have been complaining that they already have enough material, and can’t compete with reality while, now, our glorious leader is insisting that doctors’ warnings about a deadly pandemic are wrong and, next, I expect him to go on TV and tell brain surgeons how to do their job.

Of course, psychologists keep debating whether he is suffering from dementia or psychosis, in spite of a quarter of Americans still insisting the sun revolves around the earth and acting like spoiled two year olds, and our glorious leader himself being a real estate agent, lawyer, reality TV star, and lifelong Professional Wrestling fan, credited with well over 4,000 blatant lies during his time in office alone, and continuing to insist that his predecessor isn’t even an American citizen. You would think psychologists had never watched the Beverly Hillbillies or the Marx Brothers, and never had an argument with a two year old. Wealthy people prefer to be called eccentric, rather than insane, but they’d rather you called them insane than a compulsive liar, which is fighting words amongst all the lawyers, bankers, and politicians, who are increasingly difficult to distinguish from each other.

Brazenly accusing a third of the population of the country and our glorious leader of being compulsive liars, who all too frequently wouldn’t recognize the simple truth if it bit them in the ass, is considered poor manners in even the mass media, which typically have much lower standards for such things, but still retain a healthy appreciation for the power of the mindless mob, to burn them to the ground, salt the earth, and pave right over them, in the ancient Roman tradition for expanding public parking. Recently, Americans have been debating whether half the country is now a cult, despite practically the entire republican party demanding a dictator, and the Tea Party trashing out our constitution and government for over twenty years, because calling them blatant liars that are not worth giving the time of day to, would be a call for civil war. Whenever Babylonians ask me if I need anything, frequently I tell them I have significant brain damage, but I really need a complete lobotomy, and ask if they have an ice pick handy.

With so much love, desire, and respect for the truth going around, even asking simple questions is frequently anathema, making communication more about volume and intonation than anything else, while honesty is only a lonely word because greedy publishers keep printing whatever sells more dictionaries, with the most popular definitions still being the ones people enjoy arguing over the most. The courts keep dragging their feet as well, and refuse to allow anyone to patent or copyright honesty or the truth, driving down the demand even further. Like I said, the truth has always been a hard sell and, for example, even insanity sells much better than the truth if you’re a pharmacist or a bartender, but a recent survey indicated that most Babylonians tend to interpret “rational behavior” as somehow self-interested, and “reasonable behavior” as somehow more fair, balanced, and inclusive.

Freedom isn’t free, and the truth hurts for a reason, which is why it remains such a hard sell, because the bitter pill to swallow is that the price of freedom just keeps going up while, for chickens, its your patriotic duty to vigilantly defend your right to debate the definition of stupid and who is the best example, which is only common sense as anyone who watches Professional Wrestling or reality TV knows. The meaning of words simply depends upon how pleasant a word sounds to the ear, how easily it rolls off the tongue, how convincingly sincere you appear to be, how persistent you are in repeating yourself, or whoever has the most money, authority, and influence, or just so happens to spout more exciting smack, or yells the loudest, and the very idea that the Babylonian mainstream would ever let mere semantics, the stupid dictionary, or any silly inconvenient truth ever prevent them from exercising their common sense is absurd! With everybody arguing over the definition of stupid and who is the best example, just knowing the truth, much less discussing it with anyone, can be entirely counterproductive and flat out dangerous in Babylon, where the legal system punishes people for withholding evidence, yet, provides almost no protection for whistle-blowers and, in recent years, has even begun compelling people to testify against themselves, while proudly continuing to provide the public service of supplying the absolute best justice that money can buy, at affordable rates, with special discounts and bonuses for loyal customers and Wall Street employees.

Now the public is demanding that our glorious leader be above the law altogether, making him the ultimate legal authority in the land and, as a businessman, able to set fair prices for justice, and for worshiping Mammon. He’s insisted that he has the right to face his accusers, while congress has already given the president the authority to torture and kill anybody on the planet, or even in orbit, without so much as ever having to inform anyone. So you know he’s big on justice, but the truth remains the playground of billionaires today, and far too rich for my blood. Once seen, some things cannot be unseen, once heard, some things cannot be unheard, while bullshit along the lines of what I write, is just so much easier to produce, less distasteful, safer, and cheaper. Frequently, I warn people to avoid the truth whenever possible in Babylon, don’t go there, never claim to know the truth if you can help it, avoid getting involved in any Babylonian insanity, because you already know damned well the mindless mob will believe whatever the hell sounds good to them at the time, and the truth is the last damned thing that anybody gives a shit about!

Sharing their own dictionary, much less the truth, just sounds too much like socialism, or worse still, another liberal fantasy, and the more you can accept that the stupid truth is often flat out dangerous and ridiculously expensive in Babylon, the easier it is to avoid getting involved in any of their more expensive, totally pointless, self-defeating, and downright ugly lowbrow slapstick. For example, despite it being common knowledge that Fox News is legally entertainment that literally shortens your lifespan, and that Americans have been voting for whoever advertises the most for over twenty years, in virtually every local and national election, nevertheless, the current political conflict surrounding the impeachment of the US president has been compared to the civil war! Physicians have been reporting a sharp increase in the number of reported accidents, suicides, alcoholism, and premature deaths among conservatives in particular, as if George Orwell were broadcasting “War of The Worlds” for the first time, and the idiots believed the Martians were invading.

Meanwhile, every study done by every major university has indicated for decades that our votes matter less than ever before, and a twenty year study commissioned by Princeton university concluded that, no matter who was elected to congress, only the top 10% of the wealthiest ever got anything they wanted. All the money has steadily floated to the top for over forty years and, if we still have a democracy, it serves “We The Deserving Few”, but there’s no proof whatsoever that our votes still matter in the slightest, or that either party represents the interests of the people. Which is what happened when the international conglomerates corrupted the then widely respected democracy of the Roman Republic, and established the Roman Empire. Julius Caesar was stabbed to death on his own senate steps, for insisting that at least the upper middle class retain a meaningful vote, lending him greater support in opposition to the conglomerates and entrenched wealth that had taken over the country. “Those In High Places Hate Surprises”, and got him out of the way fast, before he could possibly pull anymore surprises on them. Embarrassingly, corrupting an entire nation of chickens is as easy as offering ridiculous tax cuts, then putting the idiots a few trillion dollars in debt, and walking away with a slap on the wrist, which is why its also illegal to vote for Mickey Mouse or to throw large sums of cash off the tops of tall buildings, because chickens never can resist corn.

Even assuming, against all the evidence, that anybody’s vote still makes a snowball’s difference in hell as to who gets elected, there’s absolutely no reason to vote or to follow national politics if you aren’t wealthy, explaining why both social mobility and voter turnout are the lowest in the developed world, because at least half the country has already been disenfranchised altogether. Not to worry though, since a quarter of them still insist the sun revolves around the earth, and they’re starting to vote for Mickey Mouse these days, their votes never did seem to matter that much to begin with and, technically, insisting everybody lie to you all the time does not count as an informed electorate. What we need is a think tank to step forward, take the lead, and figure out a way to give the American people all of the impartial and objective patriotic lies that they can possibly swallow, you know, educate them and spice things up a bit.

Lamentably, almost every single conservative that I’ve spoken to has confirmed that they know damned well their votes no longer matter, but the only solution either liberals or conservatives have ever proposed to me is to, “Vote The Bums Out of Office!” Many of them also know damned well they are killing themselves, and ration their “Booze and Fox News” and donate more to charity hoping to extend their lives. The entire electorate has been gerrymandered to death by both parties, our constitutional rights have been suspended indefinitely, congress has authorized the military to round up citizens like so many cattle, and over 40% of the population now insists that our glorious leader should be above the law altogether, and allowed to commit even high crimes and treason, and has the right to face his accusers because, of course, only a patriotic traitor and compulsive liar who is above the petty corrupt laws of our evil government, can possibly make America great again. Conservatives keep telling me that if I don’t vote, I shouldn’t talk about politics, and I tell them I’m attempting to save taxpayer lives and money, and just don’t see any future in supporting a political system that promotes the highest rates of suicide, abortion, and alcoholism, and the lowest social mobility, lowest voter turnout, and lowest reproductive rates in the world!

Conservatives have always confused the Mafia with a functional government, but even the Mafia requires competition or its every man for himself, while the idea its possible to have politicians who are compulsive liars, voted into office in rigged elections, and entirely above the law, yet still somehow considered legitimate political figures, is just too weird for me to wrap my head around. Lynch mob morality begs such fascinating questions as, “Does God need legal rights if he’s already above the law? Does the Mafia require special protection from the legal system, if they own the legal system?” Forget about foreign concepts, politics without laws is a Martian concept, invented by lawyers with enough money behind them that the idiots will buy anything they repeat often enough. The only explanation anyone has ever given to me for why they continue to waste their time and sanity watching the news, voting, and arguing over who’s in charge around here, instead of stocking up on guns and ammo, is because they can’t stand the thought of the opposition winning. Ya don’t need a weatherman to know the boob tube was left on too damned long, when the idiots start to argue with their own boob tube all the time, and begin to thoroughly enjoy repeatedly shooting themselves in the foot! Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy, we’ve all seen this cartoon before! Ask not what your country can do for you, but how many times can you shoot yourself in the foot while saluting the flag?

Whenever somebody asks for my advice on American politics, I suggest they change the channel altogether, and start watching more educational cartoons like the Simpsons or, better yet, blow up their fucking TV as a public health service, and start playing the slots in Vegas baby, because participating in American politics is officially now only for the wealthy and total losers addicted to reality TV, Fox News, and Professional Wrestling. Get over it already! A quarter of Americans are so stupid that they still insist the sun revolves around the earth, and their idea of politics is running around screaming, “Off With Their Heads!” The will of the people is to declare our glorious leader above the law, and create a Banana Republic where their votes no longer matter, by spending billions on ever more thrilling and exhaustively rigged elections, to vote the bums out of office! Don Henley famously sang, “You don’t really wanna know just how far its gone...” but, when it comes to American politics, Pink Floyd always said it best for me, “Hello, hello, hello… is there anybody in there?”

During the Occupy protests, the billionaire mayor of NYC, Micheal Bloomberg, arrested 26 reporters in one day, only to get a slap on the wrist from Obama. Even the major news outlets with all their full-time lawyers declined to sue the man, that is, after their accountants confirmed that they could never make money attempting to sue a billionaire. If money isn’t the law of the land, it remains a wildly popular substitute, and the next best thing if you happen to be a billionaire mayor or work on Wall Street, however, Americans like to believe we have higher standards, so we make damned sure all the cops warn any new illegal aliens, not to try to bribe them with petty cash. The mass media is all too well aware that the public could not give a damn about what billionaires do for entertainment, boys will be boys, with few papers even bothering to run the incident as front page news. For over a year, I regularly asked people if they knew reporters were being arrested and, of course, almost none of them did, while only one person has mentioned the incident to me since it happened, and it has largely been swept under the rug and forgotten.

Like I said, Martian politics without any laws or reliable sources for news is just too weird for me personally and sounds unhealthy, unappealing, way too expensive and, as far as I can tell, serves no damned practical purpose whatsoever if you aren’t wealthy. Why should anyone give a damned about a government that is so enlightened a quarter of their own population still insists the sun revolves around the earth, they have the lowest voter turnout in the developed world, everybody insists on calling them evil, and they have to make it illegal to vote for Mickey Mouse? Now Bloomberg is talking about running for president himself while, with the exception of the *Evil Fox News Network*, our glorious leader supports freedom of speech and the mass media and, in the honorable tradition of NYC slum lords, cut another mass media news outlet a deal on their rent, for criticizing him less often.

A record two million women marched in peaceful protest against the election of their new president, but they represented less than 1% of the population, while it is now illegal to vote for Mickey Mouse in Maryland, because his imaginary tax cuts were so much more believable then any of the official candidates and, obviously, politics without a lot of silly laws, where you have a few simple brand names to choose from, and can just pay cash for whatever you can afford, is a much more attractive option for busy voters today. In practically every election, they always vote for whoever offers the best tax cuts, which is usually the clown advertising the most, and there’s no need for any silly laws when you can just sell people their own government, and cut out the middleman. The rest of the country is still debating whether it might be a good idea to at least try to maintain the pretense of rule of law, considering their votes no longer matter, their constitution has been shredded, and over 40% of the country now insists that what the nation requires is a “president”, who is not a dictator, but is above the law and allowed to commit even high crimes and treason.

As far as I’m concerned, its every American’s birthright to demand the *Glorious Banana Republic* of their choice, where their votes no longer matter and whoever spends more on advertising, arrests more reporters, hires Russian hackers, talks the most exciting Professional Wrestling smack, and promises this, that, and the other thing, gets to become our shiny new Glorious Leader, but I still suggest blowing up their fucking TV, for the sake of their own health if nothing else. Haters gotta hate, and by who and what you hate, by this are you truly known, in an angry flock of chickens! Fuzzy Logic is based on the simple observation that some things, such as jokes, are “partially true” or “partially bullshit” and Oneness Poetry is almost 12,000 years old, while Stone Henge and written language are only half that. Even the Buddha expressed serious interest in the subject, yet the rigorous development of modern fuzzy logic and linguistic analysis, had to wait for engineers and philosophers to became so desperate in the last century, that they were willing to try anything.

Those familiar with the linguistic analysis of Ludwig Wittgenstein commonly describe it as akin to reading a dry auto-repair manual, while those less familiar with his work often complain it is utterly incomprehensible. Explaining why his linguistic analysis remains so controversial to this day, as simply the result of it being low in entropy, or low in content, making it suspiciously resemble a joke or mysticism, that chickenshit academics can seldom hope to grasp. In the Socratic tradition, this book takes his chickenshit linguistic analysis to the next level, leveraging contextual vagueness and the multifractal equation of the Tao Te Ching, to stress authenticity over knowledge. Illustrating according to academic standards, how chickenshit academics with institutionally stunted senses of humor, seldom comprehend authenticity as more than a vague abstraction, and seldom even have a clue how to use a stupid dictionary, much less share the truth, making them easy to exploit and cheap to replace with automation, along with most other occupations these days. Crucially, thanks to their helping to set the legal standards, academia remains the most sensible way to begin systematically exploiting any kind of rhetoric, for fun and for profit, which I cover in extensive detail as I go along.

Babylonians can write whatever bizarre history books they can sell at Walmart next to the tabloids, but academia has already accumulated a mountain of their own evidence that thoroughly condemns them, and academics themselves are now starting to demand the sciences become more sustainable, just in time for global warming. Meanwhile, awareness continues to spread far and wide that the entire world ecology is now on the verge of collapsing, and all our jobs are about to be automated out of existence, while a quarter of the civilized world still insists the sun revolves around the earth, and our glorious leader who is charged with addressing such problems supports burning coal, and is a reality TV star and lifelong fan of Professional Wrestling who, obviously, thinks academics are way overpaid and full of crap. Forget about reading, writing, and arithmetic, after a century of public education, almost one in four Americans still insists the sun revolves around the earth, because academia is so enlightened and progressive, that they cannot even teach a child how to use a stupid dictionary, much less, how to share their words, and play nice more often, even if it kills them dammit!

Their teachers have told me only Quakers and total losers teach children how to use a dictionary, share their words and play nice, which are political issues. Sadly, watching reruns of Gilligan’s Island and Green Acres was never a substitute for learning how to use a damned dictionary, share your words and play nice! Bob Marley sentimentally sang, “How long shall they kill our prophets, while we stand aside and look?” Many might assume that I’m exaggerating the seriousness of the situation, but I remain thoroughly convinced that unless the idiots can at least agree upon using their own stupid dictionary half the time, and try to share their words and play nice more often, they’ll keep killing every damned one of them at the first opportunity, while everybody else stands aside and takes exciting photographs they can sell to the mass media!

Big Bird is not an evil commie plot, and Jim Henson was practically a saint as comedians go or they both might have been lynched right there on Sesame Street with the cameras rolling, just to teach the little kids a lesson they’ll never forget! All too predictably, both Sesame Street and the UN have failed miserably in their mission to encourage the public to share their words and play nice more often but, fear not, the latest and greatest supercomputers are now being programmed as I write this, with the arcane knowledge of how to use a stupid dictionary, and are about to translate all of these stupid jokes, into rigorous terms that even mainstream Babylonian academics can grasp. Meaning finally, at long last, we can get this over with, and even Babylonian academics will soon be able to safely get more of the punch lines to infantile jokes older than monuments, in their own lamentably stilted, if still admirably rigorous, grimly humorless, traditional institutionalized fashion. All they have to do is be studious and, if you reward them, academics are very good at being studious, just like their own experimental lab rats, and behaviorists should use each other as test subjects more often, so they can compare their own behavior against that of the rats, and see what they’ll do for the promise of more money.

Down on the farm, legend has it that if you feed a chicken, they’ll love you forever or, at least, love your corn, and its quite possible to encourage academics to experiment on each other! Join the Soupy Sales Club Today, And Click Here To Win A Million Dollars! Everybody wants to rule the world, but money rules the world and has a life of its own, and it should be possible to prove it to the satisfaction of intellectual Three Stooges everywhere or, at least, encourage them to pay for the privilege of dying faster. Of course, in the name of free markets and the customer always being right, and careful to use double-blind studies, to determine exactly where the contentious idiots happen to draw the line between logic and humor, truth and bullshit, and just how often they happen to strongly disagree with their own damned facts and dictionaries. Will Rogers famously complained to his manager that his audiences would only laugh at his stupid jokes if they contained the truth, but academics have stunted senses of humor and, all too often, wouldn’t recognize the stupid truth if it bit them in the ass! Making them an excellent first choice for a test population, in which to explore the technology and potential new markets. Publishers are always looking for new and exciting ways to expand their markets, so I give suggestions in another chapter for how to cheaply automate the process, of encouraging the monkey to chase the weasel, while charging them for the privilege of debating the definition of stupid, and erecting more pay walls.

If you can’t steal an egg from a bunch of eggheads who can’t even teach a child how to use a stupid dictionary, you are the damned egghead! Capitalism is the foundation of American democracy and, if you ask me, we should make it legal to sell our votes at Walmart and Seven-Eleven, along with the lottery tickets, so everybody knows just how much their votes are worth these days. Fox News is legally entertainment, because they'll sue anyone who calls them fake news, and learning the truth or getting involved in any way whatsoever has never been more expensive, and the pay walls are going up fast, while greed is a powerful motivator for the wealthy, who eat each other alive at every opportunity, and just love over-educated fools who don’t even know how to use a dictionary, whose votes no longer matter, and whose constitution has been shredded. As every teacher knows, there’s nothing like having a captive audience and, according to their own studies, academics in the wealthiest countries in the world suck at addressing social issues, and would have to deliberately try to do worse, possibly reflecting their inability to reproduce, or to even teach a child how to use a stupid dictionary. As I said, Fox News is legally entertainment, but the Wall Street Bull is a sacred cow, and you can encourage academics to use their own rhetoric to blame each other and the same students they teach, in the name of free speech, and make money merely giving them whatever they demand to hear.

Its already possible to earn a comfortable living encouraging chickens everywhere to attack each other, but automating the process is still a haphazard affair, that can be made much more systematic and scientifically rigorous, by incorporating AI in particular. According to a new report from the future head of Amazon, the US is falling perilously behind in AI, with the Chinese surging ahead, making it crucial to develop the technology as rapidly as possible within the public domain, and not rely upon any single individual, government, corporation, or academic institution to set standards, or to hobble free market enterprise, simply because they have stunted senses of humor. The way to make America great again, is to give them all the analog logic they can possibly use but, the problem is, the chickens oppose the development of analog logic within their own academic institutions, making the solution obvious. All academic institutions are not created alike, and the clowns can easily be encouraged to compete against one another, while raising more pay walls. The more lofty the ivory tower, the more stunted their sense of humor, and nothing beats going straight to the source, and seeing just how long it takes them to catch on, while getting paid to entertain yourself.

With all the hot air they spout, encouraging intellectual Three Stooges everywhere to learn how to either share their words and play nice more often, or die trying, could be the single most effective way to reduce Global Warming! Thankfully, Three Stooges slapstick is easy to automate, and every branch of the sciences has their own distinctive theories and philosophies, making it possible to turn playing the idiots off one another into an exact science, leveraging their own research and technology against them, by merely providing them with whatever they demand to hear, in the most efficient and expedient manner theoretically possible. Talk about putting the scientific method to the test, the more they lie to themselves, the worse their sense of humor becomes, the easier it is for the idiots to fool themselves, and the easier they are to exploit by the same students they teach Darwinian evolution, and insist should be censored.

Much to my shock, among all the other mind-boggling facts that I discovered over the course of doing private research, is that the harder academics or anyone else insists that everything must make sense, the lower their reproductive rates and higher their mortality rates. Instant Karma’s gonna getcha baby, lending entirely new meaning to the Laws of Thought and Psychology, if you aren’t a chickenshit mainstream academic, afraid to ever go there. Which, of course, I cover in extensive detail throughout this book but, for now, suffice it to say academia is about to be confronted with the self-evident truth, which is not even remotely like how they view the world, or themselves, making them a fantastic commercial market with unlimited potential, and ripe for development, but its important to get in on the ground floor with these things.

Supposedly, academics are among the more intelligent Babylonians yet, for the better part of half a century, they’ve complained that nobody believes in Darwin’s theory of Evolution, when a strong majority of Americans distrust modern science, most don’t even know how to use a stupid dictionary, and almost a quarter of them still insist the sun revolves around the earth! Actually listening to themselves, much less to each other, sharing their words and playing nice, are all too often anathema and entirely counterproductive in Babylon, where you can easily find the truth on sale at Walmart prices (Made in America and imported from China!) and, sometimes, you’d swear it must be illegal to teach a child how to use a dictionary, much less, how to share their words and play nice. The humble secret behind Socratic and Taoist wisdom alike, is that the truth is the easiest thing in the world to share while, according to a century of their own evidence, the hallowed halls suck at sharing the truth, and always have.

Richard Dawkins, for example, is a widely recognized leader of militant atheists, and an Oxford evolutionary theorist, who invented his own nonsense word “meme”, convincing millions of his followers to babble totally meaningless bullshit for years, of course, in the name of science, reason, and survival of the fittest atheist. Well over a century ago, when it first became common for peasants to learn how to read, the lofty ivory towers themselves capitulated to the madness of the wealthy and the mainstream hegemony, progressively rejecting even their own stupid dictionary and, of course, the flaming idiots eventually bought into their own bullshit hook, line, and sinker, convincing themselves that they could change reality as we know it, by merely inventing new words. Last time I checked, some of them are still running around babbling complete nonsense, and encouraging others to babble like total idiots, in the hope of saving the planet, by inventing new and exciting, more highly evolved, meaningless scientific sounding gibberish, that can bring humanity together.

Of course, nobody is attempting to inform them that they're all babbling complete nonsense, that only means whatever the hell each individual decides it means, and, technically, they actually did change reality as we know it, by pulling the wool over their own damned eyes so hard they fell on their lofty collective asses, but I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for anybody to ever admit they fell on their more evolved fat ass, much less, that they know how it happened and are prepared to correct the problem. Quite the opposite, academia’s all too predictable chickenshit response has been to declare war on fake news and misinformation, urging congress to censor the mass media and world wide web, so they can continue to invent new nonsense words, and encourage the same idiots they teach to keep voting in rigged elections, for whichever clown advertises the most, so anybody with money can make up whatever bullshit they prefer. Shakespeare suggested throwing all the lawyers in the sea, but he was used to performing for a rough crowd, and when so-called “intellectual” leaders in lofty ivory towers taunt each other with made up gibberish, as if they were fighting on the kindergarten playground, lynch mobs take the opportunity to throw lawyers in the sea because they decide they can do a better job at making up their own infantile bullshit, or because the Mafia offers more justice than the legal system.

If you can afford it, people lobby publishers all the time, urging them to print their own obviously superior definitions for words, but the publishers usually ignore them, because they can sell more dictionaries if they merely print the most popular definitions, the ones people already prefer to argue over. Rather than an Urban Dictionary, what might be more helpful is an “Encyclopedia of Meaningless Scholastic Rhetoric, Vacuous Arguments, Complete Oxymorons, Nonsense Words, Misleading Statements, Distracting Gibberish, Indignant Posturing, Pies-in-the-Face, and Miserable Failures!” You need a damned score card in order to distinguish our awe inspiring intellectual leaders from the less reputable politicians, lawyers, and bankers they teach and, no doubt, they’ll argue endlessly over the definition of honesty.

An atheist once told me the dictionary is not a God, and I told him to tell it to the judge and see if he throws the book at him. Bet you a billion dollars, that if he had a billion dollars, the judge wouldn’t throw the book at him. Clarence Darrow famously declared, “There is no justice in or out of court” but, he was a lawyer, and whether lawyers can actually lie to themselves remains debatable and, sometimes, negotiable. At any rate, you can still find the word in any damned dictionary and, in parts of Texas, justice means you can’t bring your horse inside church with you to be baptized, but you can shoot a hooker for attempting to steal your wallet, while in West Virginia justice means you can legally buy judges by paying for their elections, and invent any damned hillbilly definitions you prefer.

Equality under the law means one man’s money is as good as the next, so long as the Feds don’t get involved or the mindless mob doesn’t start to riot. Considering that the majority of Americans prefer to argue over their own stupid dictionary, that their votes no longer matter, their constitution has been shredded, and almost a quarter of them still insist the sun revolves around the earth, justice is the least of their problems, when its patently obvious half of them are so far out of touch with reality that, all too often, they wouldn’t recognize the simple truth if it bit them in the ass. Some have warned of an impending Zombie Apocalypse of the Marching Morons, but nature has her own ways of limiting just how stupid people can become, both individually and collectively, and still manage to reproduce, while evolution is no different from anything else in life, which is always two steps forward and one back, or else! Of course, that means you can sell the zombies whatever nonsense they want to hear, encourage them to attack each other in the name of free speech, then sell them whatever they believe might make them more attractive to other zombies.

Eventually, linguists were compelled to give the word “meme” a demonstrable definition, or it would have gone in the dictionary encouraging billions more to babble totally meaningless bullshit for decades to come and, of course, cite Oxford University and Charles Darwin as sources, eventually compelling Oxford to lower the cost of tuition considerably! Its just so much cheaper and easier, and even politically correct, to invent new nonsense words and definitions, then to actually attempt to teach children how to use a dictionary. Militant atheists have made academia their bastion, and are among the leading contributors encouraging “intellectual” Three Stooges everywhere to assume they are all brilliant cunning linguists, when they don’t even have a clue how to use a stupid dictionary. The babbling idiots have been arguing so heatedly over existing dictionary definitions, that there are no less than 17 widely recognized types of atheism today, including the complete oxymoron “Agnostic-Atheist” which, quite possibly stands for, “Uncertain who’s in charge around here”.

An atheist once accused me of insulting him by my claiming that an “Agnostic-Atheist” a complete oxymoron, and I had to inform him that I don’t determine what other people consider a complete contradiction, nor do I write the dictionary definitions for words, or decide what people consider to be funny, and they’ll have to take it up with the publishers, tell it to the judge, or start urging people to burn their dictionaries, and ignore what’s missing from this picture! Ironically, since I started telling people all this bullshit, atheists have rushed to remove or update every website claiming there are 17 types of atheism, and are now loudly attempting to deny they ever existed. Exchanging playground taunts was never something I was any good at, but I do tend to notice what’s missing from this picture, which is much more valuable if you ask me, while playground bullies are always too smart for their own good. Again, making them an excellent marketing target, since they're already the most unpopular minority, and will believe anyone who tells them they are smarter than the rest. Having spent way too much time on the playground of life himself, but swearing that he never did drugs, Frank Zappa famously sang, “You are what you is, and that’s all it tis!” Militant atheists have dominated academia yet, ironically, they’re among the most notorious online bullies, and the very idea that they even know how to use a stupid dictionary, much less how to share their words and play nice on the playground, is laughable!

All 17 types of atheism can be traced back to antiquated Soviet era communist propaganda from the 1920s, designed to be used as a foot in the door for contentious Babylonians, all too willing and eager to argue for the sake of argument itself, and spout any meaningless bullshit or rhetoric for hours on end, merely to entertain themselves. Proselytizing door to door was popular before the invention of television and the internet, and Wikipedia and the Oxford dictionary are both infamous for atheist rhetoric but, since nobody gives a crap about the dictionary except how to sell more or print their own versions, all the meaningless rhetoric is just more gibberish for publishers and the mass media to sell to their delusional public. In communist countries, I suppose militant atheists can play Big Brother all they want and print whatever damned dictionaries they prefer, of course, in the name of promoting literacy. Who needs a dictionary when you can just make up anything you want, and tell your teachers, or anyone else, whatever they want to hear? Once, just for the hell of it, I encouraged a militant atheist to argue that no less than a dozen two syllable words were all defined wrong in the dictionary, proving to my personal satisfaction that only a complete fool would ever waste their time attempting to discuss anything serious with either academics or atheists who, after a century of public education, have so little personal integrity, they could not teach a child how to use a stupid dictionary if their lives depended on it and, all too often, wouldn’t recognize the simple truth if it bit them in the ass.


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Forget about growing up in a rough neighborhood, I was a military brat and grew up in all of them, because we moved around all the time. Thankfully, everything I ever needed to know in life I learned in kindergarten, because I’m stubborn, and kept searching for what’s missing from this picture, only to eventually confirm my worst suspicions, that the well is truly bottomless! Piled-higher-and-deeper gains entirely new meaning, when a strong majority of the public swears by their teachers, but deeply distrusts academia, and the response of the ivory towers is to pompously invent their own nonsense words, to go along with all the bullshit terminology and rhetoric they already promote, while complaining about pay walls, and urging the government to censor the internet. Seriously, these fools commonly claim to be more knowledgeable than other people, then reject their own dictionaries, make up their own nonsense words and bullshit terminology, insist they know better than anyone else, claim to be impartial as they lobby congress and promote communist rhetoric, and are such highly skilled and inspirational teachers, that nearly a quarter of their students still insists the sun revolves around the earth, and its now illegal to join the Mickey Mouse Club in Maryland. Walt Disney would be horrified, and you can write it all off as human nature, or point all the damned fingers you want, but modern academia’s continuing abject failure to so much as teach a child how to use a stupid dictionary, does not exactly inspire confidence in the future of humanity!

The whole damned world is falling apart, and the response of the ivory towers is to attack their own dictionary and anyone who disagrees with them, shooting for the lowest common denominator! Centuries ago, natural philosophy died a slow painful death in the hallowed halls, and was replaced with a series of reactionary philosophies, such as “Scientific Positivism”, which is about as scientific as Scientology, and as positive as playing Wack-a-Mole with the Three Stooges. It doesn’t even meet its own requirements for a valid philosophy, and was merely created in opposition to the discovery of quantum mechanics, and is still popular with supposedly objective scientists with higher standards, because it abuses the dictionary in every way imaginable, and encourages them to attack anything they disagree with. These days, they only call their philosophies natural or scientific, because they taste great and are less filling. Spinoza’s philosophy was the only real alternative literally produced in eons, at great personal risk and sacrifice, outside of the hallowed halls. Sr Stephen Hawking defiantly declared that philosophy is dead, but he was almost a century late in making that judgment, and missed the faculty meeting where they all broke out their knives.

Supposedly Hawking was a genius, but the idea anybody is in charge around here or has a coherent philosophy is laughable, when the chickens are still running around insisting the sun revolves around the earth and shouting, “Off With Their Heads!” I’ve met people who attend KKK meetings where, like so many atheist trolls online, they all stand toe-to-toe and spout the most hateful crap imaginable for hours on end, without pausing for breath. Not because they necessarily believe a word of it, but because they love nothing better than dominating and submitting to complete bullshit, of course, usually without a clue as to why they love it so much. Just like so many chickens who would be very sad, lonely, and confused indeed, without their pecking order to give their otherwise pathetic lives meaning.

During the 1990s Southern Baptist churches lost half their congregations, when their preachers started competing for who could give the most vitriolic sermon, just like so many damned roosters competing over who could crow the loudest, and who was the most intimidating. But, they all returned again a few years later, just like the preachers said they would, once the competition died down because, of course, chickens need roosters. Studies by the evangelical Bana Group have established that the social record of fundamentalists is at least as bad as anybody else’s, if not the worst in the developed world, and only the rare few individuals among them who regularly use their own two hands in service to their fellow man, actually live up to their own moral standards.

According to their own studies, religious fundamentalism and televangelism are now officially synonymous with hypocrisy, and also meet all the accepted criteria for a mental disease, but psychology itself meets the same criteria, because they refuse to categorize them as a mental illness, refuse to teach students how to use a dictionary, and nobody has been able to prove the existence of common sense anywhere in the world. Liars are a dime a dozen, but good lies make money. Sigmund Freud was the first to popularize psychology as a science and, prophetically, he also became a cocaine dealer who specialized in treating trophy wives of the rich and famous, based on the theory they were suffering from childhood sexual issues.

His psychology eventually went on to become extremely popular with the Chinese government bureaucracy, thanks to his Psychoanalysis making it easier for them to live with a guilty conscience, just like Freud's trophy wives. Common sense has it that we’re supposed to listen to the recognized experts, whose own evidence indicates there’s no such thing as common sense, who are widely distrusted, could not teach a child how to use a dictionary if their lives depended on it, have severely stunted senses of humor, invent their own atheist rhetoric and nonsense words, urge congress to censor the mass media and internet for the sake of our rigged elections, invent spectacular failures such as totalitarian communism and Freudian Psychoanalysis and, according to their own studies, are infamous for being underpaid workaholics with the lowest reproductive rates, and least satisfying sex lives of any profession!

Physician, heal thyself! Darwin was an academic but, according to their own studies, neither academia nor conservative Americans appear to comprehend the meaning of reproduction of the species, as anything more than a vague abstraction and, like the military, the hallowed halls remain among the most notoriously sexist of any existing institution. It might sound like I’m being too harsh on them, but over the course of doing research the trends became all too obvious, that these idiots are killing themselves and each other, drowning in their own lies even faster, the more advanced their technology becomes. IQs dropped noticeably with the introduction of televangelism and, later, the cellphone, while 50 years of studies concluded that children's values and mental health have gone down the toilet altogether over the last few decades. Never take personal advice from indignant sexist pigs and playground bullies who make up their own nonsense words and rhetoric, who have the absolute worst working hours imaginable, have the least satisfying sex lives, lowest reproductive rates, design weapons for the government, and who are paid by the pharmaceutical companies to claim sanity is possible in an insane world. We’re supposed to take their word for it that they have the slightest clue as to what the hell they’re doing, and are not merely spouting whatever they’re paid to spout, in spite of their continuing abject failure to even teach a child how to use a stupid dictionary, much less, address existing chronic and epidemic mental health issues.

Of course, the one thing neither atheists, psychologists, nor fundamentalists will ever recommend is to use a damned dictionary, try to share your words, stop spouting quite so much bullshit, keep paying it forward suckers, play nice on the playground more often, and learn how to laugh if it kills you! Not to mention, please feel perfectly free to ignore anything else they have to say as officially hypocritical, insane, and of dubious value according to their own standards! That’s not to suggest that people don’t have serious mental health issues, or that there is no such thing as worthwhile expert advice of all manner and variety, but there can be no doubt that both academia and the mainstream have serious mental issues themselves. And, a dysfunctional relationship according to their own standards, leaving the mindless mob and the mass media to fill in the gaps.

However, using linguistic analysis in particular, its possible to examine their dysfunctional relationship for any long term trends, which also remains one of the few ways to determine how trustworthy anything they say might be. So, I thought it prudent to develop my own Bullshit Linguistic Analysis in the public domain, according to academic standards, and encourage the idiots to censor themselves. Using my linguistic analysis, anyone can anonymously publish anything demonstrable within the public domain, and its either mathematically and linguistically consistent, or everybody will notice right away. Idiots attempting to criticize the contents, can be told its all bullshit, but mathematically consistent and demonstrable. In recent years, academia themselves have admitted that their peer review process encourages enough bad research that it has become a serious problem. Thankfully, my own work is based entirely on the self-evident truth and demonstrables, and can be improved upon at any time by anyone who knows how to use a stupid dictionary, and is enough to drive academic linguists insane. The hallowed halls are simply not to be trusted, according to even their own standards, and the only people they allow to give them feedback are the same idiots they teach, who still insist the sun revolves around the earth, and that they had the finest education available, leaving the public domain the only place left anyone can share their words and play nice.

A huge percentage of hippies I know fled from abusive fundamentalist backgrounds, only to eventually discover that the rest of the mainstream is so abusive and out of touch with reality in general, that the workaholic Japanese and white US and EU populations have been imploding faster than any other on the planet for half a century, with academics having the lowest reproductive rates of all. They tend to look down upon those with less money and formal education, judge each other according to how much money they have and what they do for a living, while their population steadily implodes. Conservatives and academics can deny it all they want but, according to their own studies, their espoused family values don’t appear to actually support either survival or reproduction of the species in the modern world, that is, wherever people have easy access to birth control. Me thinks familiarity doth breed self-contempt, which is one reason I decided somebody needed to step forward, and suggest that, perhaps, learning how to share their words and play nice more often, can be a really great place to start. One Japanese couple sued their own parents for not explaining the birds and the bees to them, which would have saved them rather expensive consultations with fertility specialists.

A friend of mine was popular with the smallest kids in the neighborhood, because he would always pretend to lose fights with them, and chickens can be miserable just like little kids if they can’t at least peck one another lightly. You could start a whole new school of Psychoanalysis that practices Professional Wrestling smack talk, and might even teach a militant atheist a thing or two. Once I watched a crack whore cuss a cop out for an hour, while he stood there shaking his head in total disbelief, refusing to accept the simple truth, that the truth was the last damned thing she gave a crap about, and I had no sympathy whatsoever for the fool. Chickens usually believe you either buy the truth or force it on people, and he never offered her any money, and was obviously uneducated in the finer points of Professional Wrestling smack talk and reality TV. Frequently, I tell people AI is the future, because there never was any intelligent life around here!

They say there's no agnostics in foxholes, and there are almost no atheists in prison, and they tend to be extremely productive and ethical members of society in many respects and, frequently, complain about being the least trusted among both believers and nonbelievers alike because, of course, chickens are the masters of acting indignant. Atheists have dominated academia and a strong majority of Americans distrust academics, they’ve rejected their own traditional wisdom philosophies, empirical evidence, and dictionaries, and have become infamous as online trolls, with even agnostics frequently avoiding them whenever possible, and now they’re complaining that nobody trusts them. Its hard to imagine how atheists could possibly go out of their way to make people distrust them more, but they can be surprisingly moral, whenever they aren’t busy trolling people online, aren’t teaching children how to babble complete nonsense, spouting endless lies and rhetoric, lobbying congress, and when they’re the single most distrusted minority in the entire country. In totalitarian communist countries, atheists have shown no hesitation or remorse whatsoever over killing or imprisoning anybody who disagrees with them by the tens of millions, of course, in the name of education, morality, evolution, growth, and memsy progress! Anyway, that’s my meme and I’m sticking with it!

During the last century, the communist Chinese government imprisoned believers by the millions in the name of re-education while, today, lifelong avowed atheists in China are converting to Christianity in record numbers, often pointing out that they can no longer trust their children’s morality in the hands of an increasingly capitalistic government, and Christianity has a proven track record of opposing its own corrupt governments. The “Holy Trinity” is a bit exotic by Chinese standards, but many of them believe the human body alone contains 8,000 gods, and the Holy Trinity being a foreign concept is not an obstacle to the widespread adoption of Christianity. The *Evil US Government* remains in charge of the most corrupt and religious country in the developed world today, and other countries have experienced similar social problems that appear to accompany sudden wealth in competitive societies. However, in stark contrast, as many of the other thriving democracies have progressively adopted more extensive social safety nets, their citizens have put more faith in their own governments, and a strong majority identify themselves as merely agnostic or spiritual, with both the religious and atheists alike typically relegated to minorities, indicating that neither one actually supports salt-of-the-earth democratic values.

Just as Atheism is associated with both communism and the wealthy, organized religion is often associated with crime and dysfunctional societies and, as an agnostic myself, I’m not sure which is worse but, here in the US, we sometimes like to say at least criminals tend to be more creative, and chickens can be as dull as it gets. Communist rhetoric is so shallow you could use it to torture people, and I talk to Chinese people all the time and try not to laugh when they spout the obligatory rhetoric. Collectivist humor could make an existentialist go permanently cross-eyed, and even the Chinese government knows its best to poke fun at the worst of their own rhetoric, or their censors will never see any of the punch lines coming. Note that agnosticism and spirituality support more inclusive salt-of-the-earth humor and values that the wealthy and powerful tend to suppress, which is why organized religions and academics alike tend to both have severely

stunted senses of humor, dismiss the importance of humor, and rely heavily upon sarcasm, Aristotelian logic, and playing around with dictionary definitions. Sadly, organized religions and atheists alike promote people arguing over the definition of stupid, and sometimes killing each other, rather than sharing their words more often, and sharing more of a genuine sense of humor.

Socratic humor and Oneness Poetry have survived down through the eons, by often making our jokes as lame as humanly possible, and harder for the higher ranking chickens to recognize. Nonetheless, they killed Socrates for his lame sense of humor and, eventually, the communists drove the Taoists, with their "Winnie-the-Pooh-You-Scrape-Off-Your-Shoes" sense of humor, out of China altogether. The major religions, still spreading everywhere today, all incorporate the most explicit Three Stooges logic imaginable, and severely stunted senses of humor, so they can compete against militant atheists and each other. In recent decades, as entitlements have increased in the US, and all the money has floated to the top, the poor have abandoned church services en mass, becoming famous for sometimes watching televangelists, while they wait in their social security offices. Meanwhile, the struggling middle class, working longer hours for lower pay than ever before, has been attending services in record numbers, praying for more reasonable working hours and, discretely, doing a little tax exempt business on side. In the ancient Roman tradition, academia and religion have both become mass media entertainment and, often, just more reliable places to conduct business while, simultaneously, the US has become the most nepotistic country in the world today, with gangs often composed of children spreading to every major city, and every ghetto in the country being walled in, to increase the property value in the surrounding areas, as all the money continues to float to the top.

Both the republican and democratic parties are promoted by the wealthy and powerful establishment, who tend to encourage fundamentalists and atheists alike to actively eliminate any middle ground between them and, as Socrates discovered the hard way, sudden wealth can easily become a curse. In the military its known as simple, "Divide and Conquer, Hammer and Anvil Tactics” where, like the Three Stooges, you play Wack-a-Mole and crush anything in the middle flat, and is sometimes also called the “Law of Contention”. Among other things, this implies that, contrary to common sense, fundamentalism is the bastard red-headed step-child of academia and the mass media, and explains why neither one could teach a child how to use a dictionary if their lives depended on it. Fundamentalism arose as a direct result of academics promoting universal literacy and introducing modern mass media, and the issue is not how the two differ, but how does their dysfunctional relationship promote each other’s rapid decline, and suppress much more viable alternatives. It additionally explains why atheists have moved into academia over the same time period, only to urge congress to censor the mass media, reject their own dictionaries, invent new rhetoric and nonsense words, and invent such abject failures such as totalitarian communism. My enemy’s enemy is my best friend, and both sides are attempting to push extreme agendas by muddying the waters whenever possible, to the point of poisoning the very ground they walk upon and, unfortunately, spouting so much hot air and becoming so horrendously self-destructive, over the last century or so, that their populations are dramatically imploding, and Global Warming now appears poised to begin killing half the planet in earnest.

“What’s so special about Harvard, Yale, and Oxford men? They confuse themselves even more then they confuse other people, and consistently set the standard for piled-higher-and-deeper. Besides my asking whether anyone made up their own definitions for common words, the only other question I asked was if anybody knew the simple distinction between a lynch mob and a democracy and, in over a decade, not a single person even came close to the correct answer, including a class of Harvard Law students. Any standup comic smart enough to buy life insurance, maybe Conan O’Brien, knows the answer, and I give it somewhere in this book, but its obviously not important to know such distinctions and, like I said, knowing the truth can be dangerous to this very day in Babylon, if you aren’t a professional comedian, or can’t afford life insurance.

The hallowed halls spout so much gibberish, that I had to spend months watching interviews with academics, in order to figure out all the basic ways they casually abuse the dictionary, and to get a better feel for how the idiots fool themselves. Essentially, they have no clue what systems logics are, and I’ve gone to extremes in this book to explain how simple systems logics work, and how to bullshit any academic, tell them whatever they demand to hear, and earn a profit off their unwavering conviction that they remain objective and unbiased. If you want an A in class, reading my poetry alone can help you bullshit any teacher, if you want to design bots the Three Stooges will love to argue with, my poetry contains the mathematics, and I provide all the details for the physics and logistics work, in order to leverage the ignorance of the experts against themselves in the cheapest, most profitable, and easy to implement manner. If academics reject their own dictionary, facts, and linguistic analysis, then its up to the private sector to develop the technology, and my work is all in the public domain, but you might be surprised just how much of their most popular bullshit is actually totally meaningless gibberish, that they will defend with their dying breath. Even academic bullshit can only avoid the light of day for so long and, for anyone who comprehends linguistic analysis, the extent of the problem is truly staggering, but that’s what also makes it such a new and exciting commercial market to develop!

They only want to hear what they want to hear, so I can teach their students, governments, corporations, and anyone else interested how to tell them whatever they demand to hear, how to earn the maximum profit by encouraging intellectual Three Stooges everywhere to argue over the definition of stupid, and how anyone can collate any data and make unique predictions for pies-in-the-face, that academics will never see coming. Its officially UnAmerican to join the Mickey Mouse Club in Libertarian Paradise By The Sea on the Chesapeake, because knowing the truth, sharing your words, and playing nice are only considered family values whenever taxes are significantly higher, tuition is way lower, and your sexist workaholic population, raised on Gilligan’s Island and Green Acres, and rushing to grab that cash with both hands just to pay the next month’s rent, actually has a desire to make babies in their spare time. Trusting politicians that you pay to lie to you in rigged elections is widely considered flat out insane and, I know people who regularly donate to political campaigns, in order to ensure they still have their support, and academia will simply have to get in line, with the rest of the chickens. As all the money has steadily floated to the top, across the country the price of life has steadily gone down the toilet, depending on your state and locality, with Chicago now being declared a war zone, and the governor of Texas threatening to secede from the union, until the Mexican cartels let it be known that, if he kept up that kind of smack, they’d start to take it personally. Over the years, I’ve met several people who go out of their way to drive all the way around the entire state of Texas, as if it were one giant nuclear waste disposal site, inhabited by cannibals and savage mutants, but the marketing potential is unlimited.

Another Oxford academic has gone so far as to declare the New Atheists, “A Betrayal of the Enlightenment”, yet a quarter of the developed world still insists the sun revolves around the earth, begging the question of just whose “enlightenment” he’s talking about. The usual wealthy white guys, who are almost always lawyers and bankers heavily invested in the stock market, are still the ones running around claiming to know everything, and insisting everybody else is full of crap. And, are the same ones increasingly demanding the right to censor the mass media and the worldwide web, so they can enlighten the rest of us in excruciating detail from their lofty ivory towers, positions of power and authority, and extensive mass media outlets, which can now all be found on the NYSE! *Support The Sciences And The Enlightenment*, by burning your dictionary today, and own your very own cherished family heirloom of *~Conventional Wisdom~*, by investing in reality TV, Face Book, and Twitter! Once, an academic asked me what can be done to avert the impending lengthy series of looming man-made catastrophes, such as Global Warming, now threatening the future of humanity, and I angrily suggested he find out who the hell is teaching all these idiots how to destroy the planet faster!

Call me brain damaged, but either the right hand knows what the left hand is doing, or we’re all screwed and, according to their own evidence, academia could not find their own ass with both hands! Sadly, academic intellectual attempts to make the world a better place have resulted in spectacular failures like global warming and totalitarian communism. The truth hurts for a reason and, worldwide, both the mainstream and their teachers have inspired so much confidence in the next generation, that the wealthy have more than doubled the number of billion dollar self-contained bomb shelters currently under construction, and are making significant progress in developing the technology to colonize Mars, when nobody has even been there yet, and low gravity environments have proven to be hazardous to your health! However, we can all sleep better at night knowing our glorious leader will be safe, and is doing his utmost to ensure that more weathermen and physicians know how to do their damned jobs properly, and do as they’re told. With guidance from our glorious leader, academia is literally encouraging complete idiots and gullible fools everywhere to systematically erect the Tower of Babel and, I might add, have made tremendous strides in recent years in developing the technology to construct a Star Wars “Death Star” battle station, which is the most popular online request made to the White House and, quite possibly, the future home of humanity.

For their part, the public complains about things like Fox News, but nobody would watch it if they merely told the truth. Face Book just censored all of the reputable news outlets in Australia, because reputable news is too expensive, and can charge for using their videos. People complain constantly about online trolls, fake news, and misinformation, but most websites that don’t attract so-called trolls don’t get any traffic, and websites are normally designed to both attract trolls and to make it easy for moderators to keep the flames down, so the trolls don’t get carried away and chase off the same customers they attract. I suppose you could argue that websites are normally designed to troll for customers and spread fake news and misinformation, but their customers are mostly either fans of fake news and misinformation, or trolls and, of course, nobody can agree upon the definition of a troll, because nobody can agree upon the definition of stupid.

Whenever a wealthy individual or a corporation, such as Fox News, spouts blatant lies to the public the lawyers insist it be called “real news” and not be censored, and one study indicated that if you label some things “fake news”, the idiots will automatically assume anything you don’t label as fake is real. But, not to worry, once our glorious leader is above the law, he can set fair prices and establish a competitive market for deciding what constitutes real news. Similarly, “Trolls Trolling For Trolls” could be the newest competitive online video game, with little kids these days spouting the most vitriolic crap imaginable, that could inspire a professional wrestler to change careers. Some website owners carefully tweak the rules to their forums in minor ways, just to encourage the idiots to feel like they always have something to argue about and, as always, the truth remains a hard sell. Far too rich for my blood, and can’t compete with billions of chickens all enthusiastically pecking away at each other, and endlessly spouting complete nonsense.

Google is working on an AI that will allow the individual to turn the vitriol up and down on command, just like adjusting the volume on a stereo, so the mindless mob can listen to all the juicy lies, complete bullshit, and exciting vitriol they could possibly desire, in whatever polite or impolite terms they happen to prefer at the time. Selling customized bullshit to complete blithering idiots is nothing new, but this is mathematically rigorous customized bullshit, that could be used to create an AI capable of stealing WC Fields’ life savings and lunch money, never giving a sucker an even break. The music industry, for example, already has an algorithm that allows them to calculate exactly how much money they can make with any song, with modern music being almost entirely devoid of intonation, as a result of nobody wanting to hear the truth in even the voices of popular singers, who now commonly distort their voices electronically no matter how talented they are.

The computers are starting to spit out hit singles, and one dimensional comic book super heroes are breaking all box office records (Hulk Smash!) You can see the same flat, zombie, cartoonish effect in even fashion models, with some of the newest popular music stars and fashion models being entirely synthetic creations, that were never based on any individual and, in at least one case, is theoretically genetically impossible. A classic Barbie doll is so thin she would have to be seven foot tall for her internal organs to work however, soon, improved mathematics and AI will make it trivial to manipulate and customize such images with incredible accuracy, for the maximum bang-for-your-buck, that will make the current music and porn industry attempts to exploit their audiences for more money, look pathetic in comparison. Face Book is now competing with the porn industry, which has already joined the ranks of major investors and developers of technology with, for example, it now being possible to practice safe sex, and buy a cheap blow-job online, while watching porn in VR using Face Book's own headsets. Using advanced AI, the future of online porn is quite bright if you are a Wall Street investor, or enjoy humping lamp posts.

Nothing like a little behavioral conditioning, beat me, whip me, make me write bad checks, then tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies and, only then, give me just the facts I need to know but, the simple fact is, nobody wants to hear the truth! Theoretically, its all the same analog logic and mathematics, and can be used to design a Woody Allen style, “Orgasmitron” that will encourage complete idiots to reproduce even less often but, there’s simply no denying that few things sell worse than the truth, few things are more expensive than the truth, and the more casually they all lie to themselves, the louder they all demand that everybody else lie to them as well, and the faster they run in circles screaming “Off With Their Heads!” Frequently raised in such exotic locations as Gilligan’s Island and Green Acres, all too often living sheltered lives in the vast lonely sprawling deserts of suburbia, and giant megalopolises that blend into one another like so much concrete play-dough and Lego buildings, the truth tends to haunt chickens, like their own shadow, nonetheless, only the truth can set you free, whether you wanna be free or not!

Chickens be free! Is Chickenshit Liberation in Three Stooges Libertarian Paradise Never-Ending-Armageddon-Again-and-Again-and-Again! The extra-crispy Mickey Mouse Southern Fried Movie variety recommended by the Colonel himself, that comes with the new spicy hot wings marinated in moonshine, for those extra special occasions, when the lights are only left on because nobody is ever home! Everybody arguing over the definition of stupid, means freedom is your right to shoot yourself in the foot, and freedom ain’t nothin' but a joke in bad taste, if you never do get the punch lines! The one damned thing you can be absolutely certain of, is that reality has a nasty habit of imposing itself upon even the most enormous flock of indignant chickens, in the most disagreeable ways imaginable!

The widespread knowledge that we are now confronting Global Warming and are in the midst of the single worst extinction event in the history of the planet, is raising everybody’s red flags to the top of the pole, with all the signs indicating that Babylon is in for an extremely rude awakening. Politics may make for strange bedfellows, but at least they don’t appear to reproduce that often, so its seldom a problem in the long run. Unfortunately, the birds and the bees are already dying, because the insects are dying, the fish are dying, the animals are dying, the plants are dying, and the heatwaves keep getting longer with each passing year, as if everything the Babylonians touch, including each other, eventually withers away and dies. Forget about worrying about calling someplace paradise, everything on the planet from the north to the south pole is dying and, soon enough, the only place anybody left alive will still be calling paradise, is a self-contained bomb shelter, while researchers have determined that humanity now requires new technology, just to prevent the entire world ecology from collapsing, due to all the damage we’ve already done with our current technology. Nonetheless, in a hopeful sign, a white buffalo was born in the west, signifying that we may yet have time, and countless Babylonians that I’ve spoken to are fervently hopin’ and a praying, that some new technology will come along, that can prevent them from mindlessly abusing new technology, at the first convenient opportunity. Believe it or not, such technology is quite possible, and I discuss it in another chapter but, again, you have to be careful what you wish for, especially if you’re a brainless chicken, living in your own Private Idaho!

Once I mentioned to someone studying how to operate nuclear reactors, that Galileo proved over four hundred years ago that heavier objects don’t fall any faster, and he made Homer Simpson proud by stubbornly refusing to believe me. The fool didn’t even ask me how it could be possible for heavier objects to not fall any faster, and summarily dismissed my casual comment, as if he were used to being lied to every day of his life, about even the stupidest crap imaginable. When the Fukushima nuclear power plant started to meltdown, a representative of the nuclear power industry was online arguing with me and attempting to reassure the public that the industry has a fantastic safety record. That is, until I pointed out that they built a cheap nuclear reactor, based on experimental submarine designs, on the most earthquake and tsunami prone island in the world, threw up a berm wall just high enough to have stopped the last tsunami to hit that spot, and the executives were all indicted five years previously on corruption charges, for violating every safety rule in the book, including stacking spent rods right on top of the reactor, because white collar crime might as well be legal in Japan. Note that I have nothing against either the science or the industry itself, and the Japanese are famous for their attention to details and amazing scientists and engineers, but mainstream conventional wisdom has all too frequently led to the worst lowbrow slapstick imaginable, and the stupid chickens don’t know their own damned limits, while academics everywhere continue to encourage them, still refuse to use a stupid dictionary, and are now loudly insisting that censoring the internet and mass media is the only possible solution, to the same problems they are generating.

Of course, insane Babylonians will do whatever the hell they want and, no doubt, will ignore anything I have to say, much more often preferring to take their cues from reality TV and Professional Wrestling like our glorious leader, but I couldn’t just standby and watch Fukushima meltdown without at least saying something while it was happening. Michio Kaku is a famous physicist from California, where some of the radioactive waste washed up on their beaches, and he went on TV begging them to entomb the disaster, but Japan’s environmental claim to fame includes hunting the whales and cutting down the rain forest, while it was the American government that encouraged Japan to build the reactors. So-called geniuses and intellectuals pleading for mercy from the same morons they teach, who all-too-frequently have no clue how to even use a dictionary, and still insist the sun revolves around the earth, is just more bizarre Babylonian theater to me.

All the Star Trek fantasies, parallel universes converging, and infinite strings that anybody can pull, cannot save Michio or his millions of fans from their own do-do-Kaku, or the radioactive waste while, despite persistent rumors, nobody has found a way to escape the Matrix. A decade later, they’re running out of money to even slow down how fast all the crap pours into the ocean, with scientists today now worried all of the world’s oceans may die soon enough, from the relentless onslaught of countless similar insults. With all the continuing Three Stooges slapstick, many are now hoping that Artificial Intelligence can save Babylonians from themselves, and over a trillion dollars was invested in AI research last year alone, which has been called the “New Manhattan Project”, but AI is analog by definition!

Millions have rushed to cash in on the newly emerging technology, to empower themselves to organize like chickens in ever larger numbers, and to fight amongst themselves over their guns, money, propaganda and, not least of all, who gets to decide what is socially acceptable according to conventional wisdom, and who gets to call who a brainless chicken! Playground mobs prefer people who are “socially acceptable”, meaning you don’t ostracize or lynch them, and both Fox News and CNBC have purchased their own social networking websites, for determining who is socially unacceptable, and are enthusiastically preparing for world war three! Just as soon as they finish commercializing the current civil war, which is generating so much excitement in our *Glorious Banana Republic* that it may soon be declared a public health hazard.

Without comment, Google intervened when Face Book started censoring the Australian news, offering to pay a considerable amount for the videos for the next three years, with the suspicion being its a war between broadcast news like Fox and internet websites, but a war that Google and the Pentagon simply can’t afford right now. Both democrats and republicans have supported a new bill to allow broadcast news like Fox to charge for what is legally entertainment, and still call it news. Face Book banning Australian news outlets placed pressure on congress to remove a provision for mandatory arbitration, so online websites can still decide what is worthy of their bandwidth, and can enforce their own versions of see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Over the course of conducting research and collecting metaphors, I’ve been booted off even YouTube, on the pretext that insisting Three Stooges slapstick is irrational, and the solution is to share our words and play nice, is spreading hate and intolerance. Face Book and all of the oligopolies are now heavily invested in AI, while computer scientists are close to constructing the first computer capable of writing computer programs, and replacing their jobs with an assortment of AI, capable of doing their jobs much faster and cheaper. In fact, their newest neural network could theoretically finish writing my book for me, but it might also fry their stupid computer, because I’m using the multidimensional multifractal equation of the Tao Te Ching, to write this entire book.

Intel and Microsoft have already made it possible to replace computer programmers with VR applications, which means you can also easily replace the vast majority of teachers, bureaucrats, and middle management, but the technology will require at least another decade or two to mature, and become dirt cheap. Just in time for global warming, so corporations and governments can cheaply automate the jobs of their dying employees. In the ongoing heroic struggle to conquer the world with AI, physicians are now reporting cases of burnout and fatigue, after rushing for over a decade to develop an AI that can replace them. Fortunately, the already existing AI have proven to be significantly better than the physicians at diagnosing patients, and will soon be able to treat the same physicians who are designing them and, hopefully, can also improve the fertility rates of academics in general. Of course, growth and progress seldom occur without the occasional monkey wrench being thrown into the works, and countless AI have already proven to be unreliable, with many of the computer systems constructed thus far, turning out to be utterly worthless for what they were originally designed for, and AI exhibiting surprising behavior because, in many respects, being analog it comprehends the chickens better than they do themselves.

Like the term “Complete Oxymoron”, I didn’t invent the terms “Artificial Intelligence” or “Banana Republic” but, I support every American’s right to buy as much *Artificial Intelligence* as they can possibly afford, and to come out of the closet and demand the *Glorious Banana Republic* of their choice! Its not like you can force democracy on half the country and, after half a century of conservatives complaining louder with each passing year that the political system they control just isn’t working for them, all I can say is, I’ve always believed them. Conservatives are still arguing they aren’t getting their money’s worth out of billion dollar rigged elections to vote the bums out of office and, obviously, our political parties have become totally redundant, and an enormous waste of time and money and, to quote the Joker in Batman comic books, “What this town needs is an enema!”

Polite politics are for wimps but, not to worry, our Vietnam draft dodging commander-in-chief and Glorious Leader, (who by some accounts is anything but a mere wimpy mortal, and may already be above the law), has been making so many new friends at the Pentagon, dazzling them with his incredible wit and intellect, and showing them how to dispense military justice, and how to spend their considerable budgets on his own, much more worthwhile, personal projects. They say the difference between men and boys is the price of their toys, and the military likes to think they have better taste than anyone in who they choose to share their toys with, including fascist dictators and Banana Republics or, at least, they often require intimate working relationships with them. I suspect some of the generals are already drawing up contingency plans, should any obvious opportunity arise, for someone to march the army right over the Potomac, to thunderous applause. We may see a dramatic decline in mortality rates in the DC area, if nowhere else, while television ratings and voter turnout could soar through the roof, if our glorious leader becomes the first draft dodging commander-in-chief in US history to be killed by his own troops, for being far too stupid to be allowed to live.

Personally, I would prefer a functional democracy myself, and was never interested in who shot J.R. either but, shit happens, and you can’t get blood from a turnip! Asking the military to be smarter than the government they work for, and decide for themselves what is legal, and who to put on a pedestal and worship as our glorious leader above the petty laws of mortal men, is just asking for a world of trouble. Seriously, the Pentagon had to practically beg congress to put limits on what they can do, since the constitution only appears to be of historical significance these days, and just isn’t raking in the money for the lawyers like it once did. With all the confusion over voting, some conservatives have suggested that we should make our rigged elections compulsory, and force freedom and democracy on the idiots, but if other conservatives continue to insist their own democracy is way over-rated and over-priced, and the personification of evil incarnate, I can certainly understand why they feel that way, and my only hope here is to possibly save taxpayer lives and money, by urging people to immediately blow up their fucking TV, or come out of the closet and demand the *Glorious Banana Republic* of their choice. In Italy, one province elected a popular porn star to office twice, she had quite a brain on her, and they elected her understudy as well but, in my opinion, Americans aren’t quite ready yet for Mini Mouse, especially since Maryland made it illegal to vote for Mickey, and Goofy has his own plans.

On the other hand, if they made our *Glorious Banana Republic* official, and gave our glorious leader a crown and a throne or, at least, a really nice uniform covered with shiny metals, despite his dodging the draft, it could build bridges where none might otherwise exist, eliminate a lot of unnecessary confusion, and the mass media could cover elections much better but, more importantly, it could save millions of lives and billions of dollars by both lowering and raising expectations from Wall Street and the Pentagon alone. Banana Republics present unique challenges to free enterprise and national security, and military intelligence is an oxymoron but, not to worry, our glorious leader has been teaching the Pentagon the ways of the Jedi in his newly formed Empire of the Republic, and the generals are all paying close attention to his awe inspiring example, for just how easy it is to corrupt an already thoroughly corrupt, and easily startled and confused, nation of outraged chickens, and rise above all the petty chickenshit laws of the land.

As exciting as many no doubt find it to follow the endless intrigues and intricacies behind the inner workings of the *New and Improved Evil Empire*, writing about all the political and academic nonsense in this book was the hardest thing for me to do, because I’d rather explore the intimate details of how hot dogs are made, than waste my time and sanity watching what Babylonians call the news, following what the mainstream considers conventional wisdom, or talking to insane academics who routinely reject their own empirical evidence, wisdom philosophies, and even the stupid dictionary, while insisting they are merely fulfilling their traditional role in society, and blaming the same students they teach for the state of the world today, as their population implodes. Despite my telling them I don’t vote and don’t believe anybody is in charge around here, conservatives and academics alike have repeatedly accused me of being partisan and inciting hate, for merely quoting their own facts, and insisting a mindless mob is never to be confused with a functional government.

Many of my friends are former academics, who have nothing good whatsoever to say about working in academia, and gladly left it far behind them. According to their own evidence, its best to take anything academics say with a pound of salt, with up to a third of academic research being extremely questionable according to their own standards. Anyway, chickenshit soap operas of the rich and famous have always bored me to tears, and my only concern here is in saving taxpayer lives and money by, hopefully, shedding light on how anyone can recognize and avoid some of the more brazenly insane Babylonians hellbent on going down the toilet faster, and dragging anyone within arms reach down with them. Poor William Henley is widely considered to have been a better author than Shakespeare, yet they burned him alive at the stake for daring to make his Bible more beautiful, then added insult to injury by making his Bible the official version of lynch mobs everywhere.

With literary fans like that, who needs critics? Henley knew damned well who is readers were and, instead of burning books as “Ugly And Demeaning”, these Bible thumpers burn people alive, while debating the evil nature of aesthetics. Hell, in Texas two rednecks were insane enough to kill a strange black man they had never met, by dragging him behind their pickup truck with a bull chain, and I have to urge black people to avoid Texas rednecks, as infamous for being mindless vicious animals, that should be locked up in the zoo. The truth hurts for a reason, because its just too damned expensive in every way imaginable, and the more Babylonians there are who insist they know the truth and are doing something meaningful, more often than not, the less it pays to get involved. In Ray Bradbury’s book, “Fahrenheit 451” he wrote about a distopian future where people burned books at every opportunity, but burning books is just more cheap thrills, if half the population consists of compulsive liars, raised on Gilligan’s Island and Green Acres, and almost nobody gives a crap about the truth. As much as Babylonians might understandably think of themselves as the center of attention, and the leading authorities on everything, one thing you can’t hide is when you’re crippled inside, and this book was never intended for crazy Babylonians, who often love nothing more than debating whether Bambi should have died at the end of the film.

A few have suggested that I should “Do The Right Thing”, and defend the honor of Mickey Mouse, attempt to save Bambi, or save the Babylonians from themselves. Fortunately, Disney has already persuaded the courts to make Mickey Mouse immortal, and absolve him of all his sins, extending his copyrights beyond the mere century that lowly peasants must contend with, so they can continue to defend the honor of Mickey, and keep charging outrageous prices for Mickey Mouse products for the next thousand years. More importantly, Disney is now working with the porn industry which, I’m sure has their own plans for saving Mickey, Bambi and, especially, Goofy. Additionally, we can all rest assured that most Babylonians already have both a personal savior and a glorious leader as well, because I’m positive they would nail me to a cross if I tried to save them from themselves, and I remain firmly convinced myself that its flat out impossible to prevent the Three Stooges from setting each other on fire, blowing each other up, building cheap nuclear reactors operated by Homer Simpson, or committing suicide any damned way they prefer, of course, while accusing each other of being “Evil Liberal Secular Muslim Commie Atheist Freedom Fighter Terrorists!”

Americans have been complaining their political system isn’t working for over half a century and, in that time, the majority white population, in control of the government and complaining the loudest, has imploded altogether. All the money has floated to the top, mass murders have run around shooting even kindergarten classes, and dozens of men once gang raped women in NYC Central Park in broad daylight, with the news cameras filming them as the cops pulled them off one at a time, while others just kept taking their place. Cockroaches mate like that, but the camera people didn't work for National Geographic, and they’ve loudly proclaimed a vote of no-confidence in their own government, while my only civic duty at this point, especially considering that I’ve been disenfranchised, is to suggest that Americans come out of the closet, or blow up their fucking TV, because you already know damned well the insane are running the asylum.

Ancient Rome had nothing on Hollywood writers, PT Barnum, and La-La Land who, as a public service, are the ones teaching all the lawyers, bankers, and academics how to play around with semantics and dictionary definitions, with the latest AI neural network now writing entire books, and about to replace them all. My work includes such things as how banks can exploit their customers for the maximum bang-for-their-buck, how to make unique stock market predictions, and how insurance companies can easily predict who is more prone to accidents and different health problems, by merely analyzing their writing, and teaching the mindless mob how to destroy their own governments, for their own maximum bang-for-their-buck in low-low-low-as-you-can-go taxes! These days, if you teach a man how to fish, you still have to teach him how to cut bait, and when to give up fishing altogether and throw the damned fish back in the water, because its so polluted you would never feed it to your dog.

Scientists are already struggling to invent new technology fast enough to deal with all the current ecological disasters that we already know about, while nobody has any real suggestions for how to stop the marching morons, from killing themselves faster than modern science can manage to duct tape the ecology back together. Cities in Asia have already begun installing vending machines that dispense cans of fresh air, and both IQ and dementia have proven to go up and down in direct proportion to the amount of air pollution, so they can charge as much as the market will bare, for breathable air. So long as the sciences continue to support and promote the public arguing over the definition of stupid, they might as well get it over with, and join all the others repeatedly shooting themselves in the foot, and demand that the government censor them as well, and protect them from their own evil students, like me!

Thankfully, my Bullshit Linguistic Analysis can be used to make unique predictions of market trends, as well as, the cheapest ways to encourage the idiots to believe whatever they hell they prefer, or whatever you want them to believe. Its all just stupid analog bullshit but, with chickens, its counterproductive to use anything more sophisticated, and its obviously pointless to attempt to discuss anything serious with them. In recent decades it has become patently obvious to the entire world that, if humanity is to survive into the next century, everything must change, but nobody out of eight billion idiots seems to have the slightest clue as to how to even begin to accomplish such a Herculean task because, of course, none of them ever learned how to share their words and play nice.

Deja Vu can be that sinking feeling, that reality is hitting closer to home than you ever cared to imagine, and you’ve been down this rutted road before where, past a certain point, it becomes impossible to distinguish the road from the gutter. When scientists first discovered that modern tractors were eroding the topsoil they sent volunteers to teach farmers in the southern US how to easily prevent the problem, and they all laughed at them. That is, until the Great Dust Bowel happened and they were driven from their homes by the dust, in the middle of the Great Depression! The very idea that these same idiots today are anymore willing to listen to reason, or that insane academics have learned anything at all from the experience of the Great Dust Bowl, is absurd when even their own ivy league colleges continue to encourage the idiots to argue over the definition of stupid, and their only solution to such problems is to censor the internet and automate farming. Ask not what academics might possibly do to save the planet, but how can we possibly save the planet from academics? In an effort to promote growth and progress, we've encouraged wild growth in virtually all of our populations, cultures, industries, and technology, but without so much as anyone even agreeing on their own damned dictionary, while the endless lies are finally beginning to catch up with Babylon.

Regrettably, Rainbow Warrior legends suggest that the Tower of Babel must collapse, in order for the meek to finally inherit the earth and, frankly, I don’t see how they could possibly inherit the earth any other way. At the rate we’re going, there won’t be a planet left to inherit if the Tower of Babel doesn’t collapse soon, while if it starts to collapse any faster, we’ll become an extinct species! Within twenty years commercial fishing will be impossible, there simply won’t be enough wild fish left in any ocean, and within fifty years every wild land animal much larger than a dog will only exist in zoos, and their extinction will destroy entire ecologies. The most recent surveys indicate that anywhere from 20% to 35% of the developed world claims global warming is not a problem, and its obviously pointless to discuss the issue with any of them. Forget about saving Bambi, if the meek don’t inherit the earth you know damned well the rats and cockroaches will and, at this late date in the game, one of the few remaining questions is how to avoid getting dragged over the nearest cliff by the mindless mob, like so many lemmings pointing fingers at each other the whole way down, and still hedging their bets on our Glorious Leader, Face Book, reality TV, and Twitter!

Babylonians have drunk enough piss and vinegar to fill an ocean, and are drowning under the weight of their own hubris, while just the sheer amount of plastic waste in the environment today is already estimated to be enough for micro-particles to kill the entire planet within decades, by disrupting the food-chain. They say starving to death is actually quite peaceful but, unfortunately, Babylonians seldom bow out gracefully, even when confronted with the inevitable, and our glorious leader has refused to leave the White House after losing his bid for re-election. Normally, the more things change, the more they stay the same, but nobody will be saying that when the environment collapses altogether, and “Soylent Green” is the only thing they can afford to eat. The north pole is completely gone in the summer now, and algae blooms are rapidly replacing it altogether, while the south pole appears ready to drop an iceberg the size of London into the ocean, as beaches around the world are infested with swarms of jellyfish, because there aren’t enough wild fish left to eat them. Ninety percent of the population lives in coastal regions, and even the ocean currents appear to be changing, as if Mother Nature has reluctantly decided to unceremoniously flush modern civilization down the toilet, just as soon as she’s done with the current pandemic and whatever else she has planned.

In the far north tundra, encircling the entire north pole, rogue fires have broken out everywhere, as if the earth itself is setting signal fires, hoping to be rescued by a passing alien spaceship. Meanwhile, California has declared that they no longer have an official fire season, because the fires never do stop burning. As the snow-pack vanishes in the Rocky Mountains and the mighty Columbia river dries up, Canada has signed a controversial agreement to supply the US with water should it become necessary, and a nervous Mexican government has sought reassurances that their own water won’t be cut off. Canada had no choice but to sign or be invaded when the time comes, no doubt in the name of Manifest Destiny and, once again, in their madness the Babylonians have created their own hell on earth, going to great lengths to ensure it is filled with dying plants and animals, polluted water, noxious fumes, sulfur, fire, and brimstone, in the image of their own worst nightmares. Even now, the lemmings are still demanding their birthright to march right over the nearest cliff, pointing fingers at each other the whole way down, while academics with stunted senses of humor continue to reject their own dictionaries, preferring to invent new nonsense words and rhetoric they can use to debate logical fallacies, and how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. All too predictably, along with the same idiots they teach, academia has begun to loudly insist that censoring the internet and mass media, or a policy of see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil, is the only remaining hope for the future of humanity and, of course, they’re receiving all of the research funding they can possibly handle, including research into using AI to censor the entire worldwide web.

They say barbed wire tamed the Wild West, and good fences make for good neighbors, but only if you can defend them from behind walls and, of course, have the right lawyer! No doubt, our glorious leader can help anyone interested tame the Wild West, hire a good lawyer, and become a good neighbor by stringing barbed wire everywhere, and helping to build walls that can be used to defend fence lines, the Alamo, and mine fields. He can also offer significant tax breaks to the deserving few, for constructing more self-contained bomb shelters, and for investing in colonizing Mars sooner but, as far as I can tell, the best the rest of us can hope for is to try to cushion the fall, and try to be prepared to help rebuild again, hopefully, without repeating the worst mistakes. Humpty Dumpty was as thick as a brick and, in places like NYC, the only reason most people in a crowd might pause to watch him is so they can yell “Jump!” This book is intended for my Rainbow Family and anyone who wants their grandchildren to have a future, not crazy Babylonians promoting cheap handguns and liquor to encourage more conservatives to commit suicide, and end their own suffering sooner. Nor was this book ever intended for idiots interested in becoming a reality TV star, attempting to buy happiness on Fantasy Island, hellbent on voting the bums out of office, escaping from the Matrix, saving Mickey and Bambi from the porn industry, defending the American way of life from the rest of the world, or even defending the entire planet from the insidious alien anal probe mind control conspiracy behind the Illuminati, nor was it ever intended for anybody looking to invest in real estate, drones, Twitter, or Martian tourism!

Being an American myself, for obvious reasons, ever since I was three years old I’ve just always preferred my own philosophy, and make absolutely no claims whatsoever to sanity in an insane world, while there’s nothing like word of mouth advertising. So, I encourage anyone to please, feel perfectly free, to totally dismiss anything I write as complete bullshit, and the obvious work of a classic brain damaged, mentally deranged, all American hippie dippy, social outcast, and total loser! One with really bad personal hygiene, lucky to have obtained a high school diploma, and who has never used Twitter in his life, hates Facebook, and has no ambition whatsoever other than to make a quick buck writing a bullshit book on the more profound philosophical do-do of 12,000 year old Chinese potty mouth nursery rhymes. By playing it fast and lose with the dictionary and the facts, and by insanely suggesting everybody should start wearing tinfoil hats, and blow up their fucking TV before its too late!

There is no medical evidence that wearing tinfoil hats prevents brain cancer, but there’s some evidence that suppositories might. Taoists tend to be touchy about such things, but an enema might be just what the doctor ordered, and a very personal path to enlightenment. Please remember to recycle and blow up your fucking TV in a responsible manner. Legal disclaimer aside, Babylonians frequently insist that its a dog-eat-dog world, and sharing your words and playing nice are counterproductive, because they’d rather compare themselves to dogs than chickens. With the exception of the mailman and stray cats, dogs are not known for who they hate, but for their loyalty and for having half a brain. Dogs form small intimate packs, similar to a tribe or an extended family, and are not cannibals, nor do they resemble millions of idiots all mindlessly plugged into their cellphones and the boob tube! Babylonians often claim their dogs understand them better than anyone else, because dogs are intelligent enough to comprehend the myriad inscrutable ways, of the chicken...

Nor has any dog ever cared in the slightest if I cuss, but Babylonians invent meaningless nonsense words and rhetoric, then insist we must defend the right to vote and freedom of speech of complete idiots who still claim the sun revolves around the earth and, obviously, we need to heavily censor the mass media to protect the American people from themselves. Anyway, they also claim cussing is bad, but being a compulsive liar is quite admirable, especially if you are among the deserving few like our glorious leader because, of course, peasants should be seen and not heard. That might sound like an exaggeration, but chickens really are that stupid and predictable, and will follow anyone around who has enough money or corn. The simple fact is, the more democratic a country, the more often people tend to cuss, the more often they hold their leaders accountable, and the less often they censor the mass media. You could say, the chickens only cuss more often, because they’re used to demanding more honesty from each other.

Conservatives have a reputation for being inflexible when it comes to cussing and morality, especially if you happen to be a popular billionaire reality TV star, and trivial things like the law and common moral standards don’t apply to you, no matter how many women and former employees insist they should. Professional Wrestling is the cult of personality, and our glorious leader wrote the book, which is why nobody in Professional Wrestling ever had any business dealings with the man, and me thinks familiarity doth breed contempt, according to the testimony of just about every person foolish enough to ever work for him, or do business with him. If nothing else, cussing can sometimes be more honest, and something even a dumb chicken can comprehend, explaining why it remains so controversial and unpopular with the wealthy and middle class establishment, because its good for telling jokes that can expose just how transparent all their pathetic lies really are. No matter how indignant any chicken may act, no matter how aggressive, sarcastic, or delusional a flock might become, even if the damned chickens start to bark and howl at the moon like dogs, nonetheless, they remain easily startled and confused chickens, frequently prepared to turn on each other on a dime, or run for the hills if you merely toss a pebble into their midst, and adults can be Big Bullies and Big Babies, as well as, Big Kids.

They say the most shocking thing about the rise of Nazi Germany is that it happened in the most advanced and integrated country in the world, but that’s only a shock to crazy Babylonians, who refuse to compare themselves to the Three Stooges, and insist that they have meaningful feelings that can be hurt, then ask where they can buy their Irish babies and find recipes. Someone published a deck of cards containing the infamous dictators of the world all supported by the US government, and Newsweek published a sarcastic editorial asking the timely question of “Where Have All The Hippies Gone?” In response, many of us breathed a sigh of relief, cut our hair short, moved to a different part of the country, became more self-sufficient, and began avoiding Hipsters, just to be sure none of the more insane Babylonians ever discovered who they are. A few of us even relocated to such far away exotic locations as Canada, where they don’t stand out quite so bad in a crowd. It turns out, the 1960s cultural revolution was a natural phenomenon, mother nature awakening her children, and was repeated in every country in the developed world. Signs like comets come and go, but the truth hurts for a reason, and the cultural revolution was the first unmistakable warning that civilization is rapidly approaching what the I-Ching calls the “Turning Point”, when all the lies will finally be revealed, or what Rainbow Warriors call “Childhood’s End”, when the meek shall at last inherit the earth.

Half a century ago, as best they could, hippies began steadily moving underground, sometimes quite literally burrowing underground and building sustainable “Earth Ships”, as they prepared for the end of the world as we know it, and the beginning of the new world to come. All too well aware of the futility of attempting to reason with brainless chickens, they made a strategic retreat from Babylon, knowing from hard won experience, that the very idea the Babylonians had any real answers to the same disasters they were creating, and still widely denying existed, was laughable. In the early days of the cultural revolution, countless hippies were desperate to find a less abusive and more sustainable way of life, and returned to their roots, and just kept digging.

The left wing divided as black people began to wander en mass around the country for half a century, making a giant circle attempting to find employment and live the American dream, only to be turned away from the table. Many were forced to return to their insular ghettos and isolated rural communities, sometimes developing their own polyglot and accents few outsiders could comprehend. Others chose to return home, to where they at least knew who hated them. For their part, some hippies adopted extended family and small village lifestyles, and many adopted more of the ancient tribal ways, including Rainbow Warrior poetry. As strange as it might sound to Babylonians, most of what I write about in this book I have spent countless nights discussing around the fire with my Rainbow Family, who have never given up hope of finding a miracle, or creating one of their own, and who have little interest in the Babylonian mass media, and all the endless bullshit online.

Rainbow Warriors are not all the same, and can be far stranger and weirder than even we ourselves imagine, but tribal people and hippies often recommend studying the humor of cockroaches and chickens for whatever ail’s ya, with Groucho Marx being the quintessential example of a cockroach, and the Three Stooges and Gonzo the Muppet being great for chicken jokes, and I made sure to include all of the more relevant analog logic I could in this book. One hippie I know claims Gonzo the Muppet is his personal hero, and they actually look a little alike but, Gonzo is just alright with me. Forget about any deep spiritual or philosophical do-do you might believe in, life obviously requires both love and a sense of humor. My father would always chuckle and, as if I were Beaver Cleaver, he would say, “Without heart kid, ya got nothing!” For we are all born to fall on our butt, whether you wanna join the circus or not! All the world’s a Vaudeville stage, so break a leg, keep paying it forward suckers, and learn how to laugh if it kills you!”

In the US, the younger generation have already abandoned fundamentalist services en mass, are moving to the more urban parts of the country, and slowly adopting less extreme political stances, as their population continues to dramatically implode, along with that of academics. The situation has started to reach such absurd heights, that conservative politicians are now begging their constituents to make babies and, of course, praising them for their strong family values, while supporting gun rights and alcohol use that promote the highest rates of divorce, suicide, accidents, and crime among their own constituents. They’re burning their candles at both ends, while denying they’re burning candles, and laughing at hippies who keep insisting that what we require, now more than ever, are more sustainable salt-of-the-earth lifestyles. Simply exchanging one lifestyle for another can be disastrous, especially if your whole culture has lied to you for your entire life, making tools such as linguistic analysis and Oneness Poetry, invaluable ways used by peasants since the dawn of time to share different perspectives, if need be, anonymously within the public domain. According to psychologists, a family can require anywhere from three to seven generations in order to fully recover from serious trauma, but many never recognize when they’ve already hit rock bottom, and up has become the only viable direction remaining, for an entire family or culture.

Japan is considered the only feudal country in the world, where being raised Japanese is a lifestyle that is more important to them than any individual, government, or institution, nonetheless, their population has been imploding for half a century, closely paralleling the introduction of modern birth control, and their feudal lifestyle does not appear to be compatible with making more babies in the modern world. During the last prolonged recession, an epidemic of young Japanese men committed suicide in one particular forest, out of shame for being unemployed and a burden on their families, and to make it easier to dispose of their bodies. All in spite of their population continuing to implode and Japan being among the wealthiest countries in the world. Once, some 400 Chinese electronics employees threatened to commit suicide by jumping off the top of the building they worked in, protesting the fact their jobs were being replaced by thousands of robots.

Civil disobedience may never be the same again, if the Chinese start shattering all the records for mass suicide, but their tradition is to riot by the millions instead, and make it too expensive to exploit them. The Dutch have the highest suicide rates in the West, usually attributed to their Calvinist roots, and tend to leave nasty notes blaming their boss, while Americans tend to commit suicide when they divorce, and money is by far the most common reason people get divorced, but the more money people make, the less likely they are to reproduce. Bullying is epidemic in the US workplace, as well as schools, and proven to shorten your lifespan, but encourages competition by selecting for the most vicious liars, thus, ensuring scum always floats to the top, by climbing over each other, and most bullies start with bullying their friends. A recent study indicated that, although nice guys tend to finish first, bullies tend to remain in positions of authority longer, and scum is obviously encouraged to float to the top through the back door if necessary, by at least a third of the population. Incapable of even sharing a dictionary, the idea of cooperative government is anathema and, along with Fox News and the Tea Party first becoming established during the 1990s, conservative small towns across America learned their lesson, when they elected the biggest asshole around sheriff, and were sued for millions.

As you might expect, symbols are important to Japanese bullies who, by tradition, start with systematically jacking up little kids in the neighborhood for their lunch money. Now, Japanese women are loudly complaining, for polite Japanese that is, that its hard enough to get laid in a country of polite workaholics, without having to compete with online porn, VR, and transformer robots. In response to such mounting problems, the Japanese government has made the development of friendly robots and computers a national priority, so they have a way of caring for their rapidly aging population, famous for being gadget freaks who adore robots, prefer porn stars that look like they’re 14 years old, and tend to live to be over a hundred years old. Around the globe, the closer you get to any major metropolitan area, the higher the women’s heels become and, in the US, imported brides and life-like dolls with AI embedded in them are extremely popular, and I tell people you can always get more for your money if you rely on imports and the latest technology whenever it becomes affordable, while American girls want everything in the world you can possibly imagine, and Babylonians tend to be extremely busy people who don’t have a lot of time for shopping around, or any other nonsense, and often have other people buy things for them.

As their population continues to implode, nobody goes to the malls anymore, and Walmart has become one of the better known pick-up joints anywhere in the US, for being much faster, cheaper, convenient, and easier than sports bars, while online dating is becoming a modern science. Obviously, inventing a better mousetrap is no better than throwing money off the tops of tall buildings, which could go on the terrorism watch list. Seriously, the real reason to switch to a digital economy is that throwing cash off the tops of tall buildings and overpasses could cause more fatalities than 9/11, shut down the entire country for days, and make terrorists a fortune on the stock exchange.

Whether you want to call them terrorists or creative entrepreneurs promoting survival of the fittest, in the land of milk and honey, is up to you. The more money the Babylonians make, and the better their technology becomes, the louder they all scream “Off With Their Heads!” And, the faster their population implodes, as if they no longer even remember what sex is for. The entire world as we know it has been slowly dying for over a century and, obviously, must be reborn entirely anew if humanity is to survive, yet the roaring silence is deafening and, short of Jesus returning and walking on water, the only thing that might conceivably save the future for humanity, is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, with the discovery of a Theory of Everything, that the computers are only now becoming powerful enough to produce.

Being agnostic myself, never seriously impressed with parlor tricks, and much too impatient anyway to merely wait around for Jesus to return and do his thing, for years I chose to become a hermit, living in quiet contemplation of physics, philosophy, and my beloved Oneness Poetry, attempting to make more sense out of the madness overwhelming the entire planet. Of course, with little hope of actually making any real progress but, like I said, I’m stubborn. Even so, relegated to living in isolation without so much as a cellphone, TV, or radio, all the bizarre Babylonian slapstick seemed to invade my private research, when a scientist demonstrated in the lab that time can be observed flowing backwards on macroscopic scales and, inscrutable as always, the Chinese government responded by forbidding the use of time travel as a plot device in their mass media. Of course, I shrugged it off as the mass media likely blowing everything all out of proportion, or the Chinese government being more insane than anyone had ever suspected, until my own mother asked my opinion about “A friend of hers...” who heard an echo on the telephone, but from the future, as if a record kept skipping ahead. Apparently, upon picking up the telephone to call someone, she discovered the person she had intended to dial was already talking to her on the phone and, without hesitation, proceeded to answer each question she had intended to ask but, before she actually had a chance to ask a single one, as if a record kept skipping ahead, before she could utter a word and, then, the person said goodbye, and hung up.

Mom’s the best, but she wanted a simple answer I didn’t have, not wild speculation and a lecture on esoteric Asian philosophy, and even more obtuse modern physics and, assuming for one second that I could explain it simply, she’d never believe me in a million years. What I knew about all the other technology currently under development, was enough to make some swear off drinking and, for example, at the time NASA was doing experiments attempting to produce anti-gravity, making significant progress towards constructing a working Star Trek style warp drive engine, that can also be used to create a Star Gate, and testing a reactionless drive, that’s basically a sealed microwave oven, but inexplicably violates Newton’s third law of motion, producing thrust in a vacuum without using propellant or radiating anything. Worse still, NASA’s experiments were among the least disturbing ones that I knew of and, of course, what DARPA and everybody else was working on was classified! So, I thought to myself, there’s a guy I know who knows a guy who lives in a cave in Maine, where the strangest thing in the entire state is Stephen King, and maybe I could rent a room from him, and cover the walls with tinfoil wallpaper.

Before I could decide if I really wanted to live in Maine, even deep underground, I foolishly let it be widely known online that I was a brain damaged, mentally deranged, hippie dippy intent on starting a book on the deeper philosophical do-do of childish potty mouth nursery rhymes, and immediately had to close two email accounts and put Linux on my computer! People from all walks of life, from soccer moms to physicists, politicians, and mystics, suddenly lined up online to talk to me about my exciting new book on potty mouth nursery rhymes, that I had yet to write, and I’m pretty sure Oprah sent someone to my front door, because I don’t have a back door! Although I couldn’t fight my way out of a wet paper bag myself, some of my best friends from childhood are wolves that can raise the hair on the back of anyone’s neck without ever saying a word, and who dare not take a job as a cop for fear of killing people too often, and you learn how to recognize when the wolves and vultures start circling, and the last thing you want to resemble is a tasty snack!

Being a military brat, one of my best friends in high school became a Navy Seal, just like his proud father, while my other best friend was the son of a CIA spook and, of course, they all tend to walk and talk alike, making even spooks usually easy to spot, which is why they sometimes make feeble efforts to disguise themselves, like crocodiles attempting to hide among fish. The wolves and vultures online tend to be well funded, come in roving packs, and follow the mass media and each other around, while I had discovered the hard way that some of the jokes contained in our Oneness Poetry are classified as, “Vital to the National Defense”, because the mathematics expressed in their fuzzy logic can be used for anything, from predicting the weather to putting a cruise missile through your front door at 800mph!

Shit Happens

Sometimes resigned to our humble fate,
We Let Crap Slide Until Way Past Late!
Shit Happens Is The Rule...
Eternally Rolling Downhill…
Gaining speed, the whole way,
Growing Bigger By The Minute!
Sliding Into The Smallest Cracks!
Making A GREAT… BIG… MESS!
Until The Shit Finally Hits The Fan!
Hesitant, To Wait, To Procrastinate!​

Growing up on and around different military bases, at the tender age of five years old, the neighborhood kids taught me the infinite possibilities for what it can mean to be human, by teaching me the poem, “Shit Happens”. We would stand in a circle holding hands and recite the poem, with each of us thoroughly convinced it was somehow magical, and portended our futures. Little could we know just how much truly ugly lowbrow slapstick that would entail and, years before the idiots started fighting over who got to bug my computer first, one mathematician whose work is classified asked me to write paradoxical nonsense for him, and expressed a sudden interest in Taoism.

I may be dumb, but I ain’t stupid, and I may be brain damaged and slow to catch on sometimes, but it just so happens that I know more about the analog logic of the Tao Te Ching than traditional Taoist masters, because even so-called “Philosophical Taoists” are actually tight lipped mystics, and its a bit hard to learn analog logic when you don’t cuss, seldom crack jokes, prefer to examine your own navel, and “Winnie the Pooh” is about as exciting as it gets. Taoist masters have an extremely subtle sense of humor, but that doesn’t mean they necessarily know squat about analog logic or run around cracking jokes all the time, anymore than physicists and logicians are normally famous for their sense of humor. Only academics could ever assume that analog logic must have some sort of profound spiritual meaning, while Traditional Taoist masters are often easy to impress with analog logic, but I’ve been kicked off so-called “liberal” Taoist websites for using the wimpiest potty humor imaginable as an example of the Tao and, for the most part, consider mainstream Taoism, “Winnie the Pooh you scrape off your shoes!” Even Taoists have their own preferences, and learning as much as I could about Taoism wasn’t easy, because getting to know mystics is just never easy, but they tend to be very nice people, if you can avoid popping their bubbles.

My friends and I sometimes joke that Babylonians could make it illegal to call ourselves Taoists or Rainbow Warriors, and we would just have to invent another silly name for ourselves. Of course, categorizing nonsense is nonsense, so academics sometimes refer to tribal Taoists like ourselves as primitive “Pragmatic Taoists”, but we enjoy bragging among ourselves that our “Bullshit Kung Fu” is unbeatable, and you could just as easily call us “Bullshit Taoists” or “Bullshit Rainbow Warriors”, and none of us would ever be offended. Some have accused me of being a mystic but, if so, then Sesame Street, Vaudeville, and mathematics are mysticism, because that’s what countless Rainbow Warriors share in common, is our infantile mathematical sense of humor, and we often refer to our poetry affectionately as, “Our Stupid Poetry” which is all in the public domain.

Nothing makes me laugh harder than chickenshit academics calling me a mystic, then stealing my work which is all in the public domain, and classifying jokes older than monuments, without a clue as to how to use a stupid dictionary, much less, what it all might mean. It required decades of research, and another decade of hard work, to figure out that the idiots are teaching that the English language only has one grammar, when it has two, and are commonly encouraging their own students to argue over the definition of stupid. Rainbow Warriors usually try our damnedest to never yell at, threaten, intimidate, or hit a child, with the result that our children can be fearless, and we sometimes have to stop them from playing bad jokes on Babylonians who treat them like idiots, just because they happen to be three years old or whatever. Our kids can run around in packs, like wild deer or wolves, and Babylonians would be wise to treat them with respect, and assume they know what they’re doing.

Unfortunately, we also have to warn our children that the truth is often the last thing Babylonians give a crap about, and they should resist the temptation to always offer to tell the truth, or to believe a word Babylonian spout. Our Stupid Poetry is their stupid poetry, that little kids everywhere still re-invent for the first time, and we merely expand upon it and write it all down for their sake, as much as our own. Anyway, the Tao Te Ching obeys a multifractal equation, and everybody who reads our poems almost always recognizes right away which poems are better than others, making it extremely difficult for even insane Babylonians to sue any individual, or blame anyone, for expressing the humble truth mathematically, all within the public domain. Especially, if they publish their work anonymously which, for obvious reasons, still remains an extremely popular tradition after 12,000 years.

The truth shall set you free, but only if it doesn’t get you killed! Since the dawn of civilization, chickenshit academics have insisted everything must make sense, so tribal people have always written bullshit jokes for them, that have a life and a will of their own. In fact, the second half of the Tao Te Ching was written by over a hundred academics, who were inspired for over a century to use the text as a unique opportunity to anonymously criticize their own corrupt societies and institutions, for ruthlessly exploiting the peasants during the infamous Warring States period. Rainbow Warrior poetry uses only commonly used phrases, popular song lyrics, and popular quotes whenever possible and, once, a guy criticized a poem I'd written, and I had to tell him he just criticized Shakespeare.

The self-evident truth speaks louder than anyone’s words, especially when its anonymously and within the public domain, commonly dismissed as meaningless popular bullshit, and frequently scrawled on every bathroom stall for miles around but, bullshit aside, every Rainbow Warrior I know considers our children and our words to be sacred, and we don’t “own” words or “own” children, and merely share them with the world! What I had discovered the hard way was that crazy Babylonians who bought and sold the truth on the NYSE, were now after the living legacy of our Rainbow Warrior Poetry, and my still very much beloved and cherished childhood potty mouth nursery rhymes! Which are part of my family dammit!

Rainbow Warriors like to say, “You fall down a rabbit hole to a Wonderland, where a tornado carries you away to Somewhere Over the Rainbow!” Where, of course, colors are always brighter and everything looks strange! Which is why some of us also like to say that, for every Rainbow Warrior, there inevitably comes a time when you just have to admit to yourself that, “You are no longer in Kansas anymore Dorothy!” Potty mouth nursery rhymes older than monuments, some still being reinvented for the first time by little kids everywhere, had suddenly become more valuable than gold, spy-vs-spy stuff, mathematical formulas used to design cruise missiles and other exotic weapons of mass destruction, and my loving Rainbow Family of crazy hippies was in imminent danger from, of all things, our enduring love of potty humor older than monuments! Jim Henson is dead or I might have asked for his advice myself, but even Hollywood writers could never make this shit up! As if that were not bad enough, complicating the situation enormously, soon after they began fighting over who got to bug my computer first, I bumbled upon the even more mind-blowing undeniable truth that, just as all the little kids in the neighborhood had suspected all those years ago, our poems really are magical!

Although I’ve always believed life is somehow a miracle, and even inexplicable magical shit sometimes happens, all too often, life can also be a curse. When I was still just five years old I swore that, if there is a God, I would spit in his face and tell him that I’m not amused at what he does for entertainment! Throwing me into the deep end of the pool from day one, without so much as a flotation device! Unbeknownst to me at the time, after fifty years as a skeptic, I would receive a rude awakening upon the shocking discovery that we inhabit a magical Goldilocks universe ruled by the Collective Unconscious, and which vaguely resembles Jim Henson’s “The Dark Crystal”. While I had always known that our poetry suggested just such a possibility, and have frequently discussed it with other people, naturally we all assumed it was merely a convenient metaphor, that might make more sense to the dead, only to discover that nothing could be further from the truth!

After fifty years of searching for answers only to be disappointed, much to my surprise, I had discovered that, if there is a God, apparently he has a sense of humor, and provided a flotation device after all, but you have to be careful what you wish for! It turns out our potty mouth nursery rhymes are actually the voice of the Collective Unconscious, still echoing in our own children today, and neither Vaudeville nor Sesame Street will ever be the same again! Unbelievable as it might sound, our poems are mathematical, making magic and the voice of the Collective Unconscious now quantifiable and demonstrable, as macroscopic manifestations of quantum mechanics, that can be used to establish on first principles that, without a sense of humor, life makes no damned sense whatsoever, because 42 is as good as it gets, and reality is truly stranger than fiction!

After 12,000 years of brain damaged idiots like myself writing poems, I had discovered that the Collective Ignorant Wisdom contained within our poetry, is now forming a self-organizing singularity, taking on a life and a will of their own! And, providing a one way trip down a magical rabbit hole, leading to Somewhere Over the Rainbow, lost deep within the Memory of God, way far out, Beyond the Outer Limits of the Cosmic Microwave Background, trekking dangerously deep into Uncharted Forbidden Dark Territory On The Far Side, next stop, at the signpost up ahead, its the Bizarro Land Twilight Zone Comedy Hour! Or, what the Taoist mystics call the “Yin World” and only whisper about amongst themselves, knowing no outsider could ever possibly comprehend...

 

This is the first chapter of my book and, along with the second and third chapter, are probably what got me banned from writerscafe.org for challenging the mainstream conventional wisdom, and providing explicit directions for how to design bots academics will love to argue with, and that will escape their attempts to censor the internet.

 

That's a pretty handy trick, there! Your hand at writing is phenomenal. Congratulations.

 

Its all mathematics, the entire fucking book is one giant mathematical equation, that requires decades of study and at least another dozen years to write. The work is like assembling the world's largest fractal word puzzle, backwards. You can literally replace the words with variables and crunch the numbers. The equation is so complex, modern computers are only now powerful enough to crunch them. The next chapter on Bullshit Fuzzy Logic is the Fractal Dragon equation, that is enough to blow anybody's mind. This chapter is the Mandelbrot pattern, the more humble but magical opening that introduces Jim Henson and hippie insanity.

The poetry is unbelievable. I've got 90% of it word perfect and complete, to the point there can be no doubt they are all fucking word perfect and complete, and it is the first successful extrapolation of the text in 2,400 years.

 

For whatever reason, I can now post again at the writerscafe.org, which no longer declares me as banned. If anyone's interested, I found two minor words in this chapter that had to be added to complete the yin-yang, or sing-song, dynamics. That's how I do the math, is by focusing on what's missing from this picture and the actual rhyme of the lines, which express a complex pattern specific to each chapter. If you can spot the two missing words, you are doing good.