If you're divorced, and dating others - do you tell why your marriage ended?

^yeah, I do think two or three dates in is too soon. When I say I want to have the past relationship discussion I mean more like once you realize things are getting serious

Editing to say I don't force my new boyfriends to have a serious discussion about it lol, I realize thats how it sounds. But I do think it should come up in casual conversation at some point

 

I agree that it's a little too soon to ask deep personal questions about someone's history, but maybe those women want to make sure before they go further with you, they know what you are about. Or were about. lol

Dating should be fun, though. Do you not date much because you don't find the experience to be fun? I'm not interviewing you, just wondering since you brought that up.

 

yeah, it's never anything so formal as "let's have the past relationship discussion." it's just kind of thrown in there suddenly like "yeah, i work mostly weekends because my boss is kind of a jerk. so, how about those exes?"

basically i'm just bad at it. it's not that i don't try, i just rarely find anyone interested. or when someone actually is interested, i don't realize it until they've become disgusted at my obtuseness and moved on.

i did spend my early 20s not trying at all, just because at that point i had had no luck, and decided that things like booze and drugs were almost as fun and were actually obtainable.

 

You know, reading your post here, I realize that I never had to do the ''approaching'' part of dating, and I know that probably is daunting, to an extent. Or maybe not daunting, but it requires effort. Men always just did the approaching...advancing, pursuing...etc. I think it's something that many women take for granted, not even meaning to, you know?

Maybe when the right person comes along, the effort will be worth it to you. Are you happy being single? If you're happy, that's all that truly matters. We live in a culture that tends to make people feel ''less than,'' if they're not in some type of relationship, sexual or otherwise, so sometimes I wonder if people feel needlessly depressed because they're single.

 

I'll tell you what: if someone launches into a tirade--if the therm "past relationship" triggers an eruption--they're probably not ready to date yet.

 

yeah, i'm not saying it's not worth the effort. that's why i still keep trying (i'm 34 now; the early 20s story was in the distant past). i'm not unhappy being single, but i would be happier with a good woman around.

 

In what little experience I've had talking with divorced men they seem to really want to bring up their exes.

 

Yea, I wonder if they regret that the relationship ended or they’re not over the ex? Idk.

 

Yeah, it's usually good to know a bit about their past serious relationships.

Them having one bad ex is not a worrying sign. However if they describe every person they've ever dated in the past as a monster, it's usually a major warning sign.

 

But then how would she know thats the REAL reason they got divorced

If say that wife didnt really give a shit he fucked another woman it was just an easy excuse to get out, not like she's ever even say that to the husband

If it really was because she was bored stupid and he was never going to achieve anything, and even if she had said that to him, not like he is going to repeat that on a first or second date

Why on earth would you or your friend assume he was "totally honest". How could he be totally honest if he has no clue himself

Its all just context anyway, it may be technically true they divorced because he fucked another woman, but not really true at the same time if it was about something else


There is never such a thing as "totally honest"

 

If im asked... Oh it's a long story!

If he starts telling me... Well forget about it for now, and let's just have fun..

If he keeps going on.. oh sorry, I have to go, I've just had a message, as im messing with my phone..

 

As I said in the honesty thread I'm typically brutally honest. There are things that I have done & said to my wife that would likely be a deal breaker should another woman be told them. I fostered extreme anger for a long time at virtually every member of her immediate family & there were times when she took the full force of that hell-fueled rage. If a woman can understand the shame & loathing that I have felt for myself then perhaps she can forgive such loathsome example of man. There was a good person behind these eyes once, I pray he's still in there somewhere......

 

Yes, yes there is.

 

If all the anger you speak of was, say in your 20s just simply about testosterone, or mostly about testosterone

Then how do you know yourself how differently things would have gone in the same time frame had you not been as affected by what is basic male body chemistry

There is always context, thus there is never complete honesty. You are never going to get everyone to believe the exact same thing you believe in the same way

 

Up till being accused multiple times of my own boys murders I was an intense pacifist. Never knew such burning rage could find harbor in my own heart.

As to the honesty thing, I gather you don't believe in absolute truth? If not I do and because of that belief I do believe in absolute honesty

 

Knowing what you now know, would you do it again? I believe in honesty but sometimes ''brutal'' honesty can be in the delivery. We can be honest with people, without driving a stake into their hearts. lol

 

If you refer to the things I deeply regret the answer would be no. As to brutal honesty & delivery I've never been good at knowing when too much is too damn much.