Hey guys! I must say I'm really happy to have found this forum to express the voices of the lesbian community. I'm here because I need some serious guidance from fellow lesbians on this matter. I have always felt a deep connection to the label lesbian; no other label (such as bisexual, pansexual, etc.) comfortably fits me. I have been out to my friends and family as a proud lesbian for about 3 years now. However, I am currently in a relationship with someone who is non-binary (someone whose gender identity is neither male nor female). When I met them two years ago at an academic program, they identified as a cisgender female lesbian. I felt the physical attraction instantly to their "female" body, and after forming a friendship I developed an emotional attraction. We have been in a long-distance relationship since, with meet-ups every few months. After a few months we knew we had fallen in love. About a year in, however, my partner confessed to me that the labels "girl" and "lesbian", the pronouns "she/her", and any other quality of womanness made them feel dysphoric (in a state of extreme psychological distress) when attached to them. They told me continuing to identify as female would mean, for them, never truly living as themself, and that they were going to start expressing themself as an open transmasculine non-binary individual. That was about 9 months ago. I initially really struggled with this issue. On the one hand, I didn't want to stand in their way from living openly and breaking free of their dysphoria; I had fallen in love with this individual and wanted to respect them for their existence. On the other hand, I felt cheated of a partner and my own identity, the whole idea of being with someone who was not a woman made me very uncomfortable. In the end, I came to the conclusion that I was a lesbian with this one exception. I figured, since I had fallen in love with them before I knew about their identity, that our relationship didn't compromise my existence as a lesbian. I quickly learned to embrace their identity, and began to see them as a non-binary individual instead of a woman. In this way, I felt I reconciled the emotional attraction gap that had come about due to this inconsistency of identification. This worked for a while. But recently, my reservations surrounding the relationship have resurfaced. My partner recently confessed to me that they desire a double mastectomy, and that they have been researching trans-friendly endocrinologists in order to gain access to hormone replacement therapy in order to grow more body/facial hair, achieve a body with less curves, and overall feel more physically masculine. When they told me this, of course I was supportive, because I acknowledge that any discomfort I feel about it is augmented times ten for them when they feel dysphoric. But I can't help but feel incredibly uncomfortable at this prospect that my partner wishes to become more physically masculine, because it definitely goes against what I feel okay with as a lesbian in terms of sexuality/physicality. I feel conflicted because I have developed strong feelings for this individual; however I feel that, because of the relationship, I'm not living truly as a lesbian and that I'm not as happy as I maybe could be with a woman. I'm extremely confused because I don't know if the discomfort is an adjustment period and I'm just being shallow, or if I am truly not living as freely as I could be. I still love this individual, but I'm afraid this discomfort is weakening those feelings. I know this was long, but I felt full context was needed. Whoever responds, thank you so much! I really need some help on this one. -Fubini
I think you are doing the right thing by accommodating them, but you are important enough to express what you like. Say if you change, then I won't be attracted to you physically and let them know. It could really affect the relationship. I think you are being very accommodating and supporting though.
To Intheladypond, I appreciate your reply! I have expressed to them that in particular facial hair would cause me a lot of discomfort. When I expressed this they reiterated that actually keeping the facial hair was only a possibility, and that I shouldn't worry about it. They then encouraged me to challenge what I viewed as inherently masculine, that just because they have facial hair doesn't make them a man (I have expressed throughout the relationship my aversion to any type of relationship with a man beyond friendship). I acknowledge this, but am still uncomfortable. When they asked my to challenge the concept of something being "inherently masculine", I felt like this was a little hypocritical, since they embrace what they call "masculinity" in order to feel less dysphoric, yet encourage me to not see their facial hair as masculine. It is contradictory: they want me to respect their masculinity but also pretend their masculinity isn't masculine... Any thoughts? Thanks!
I don't agree with sex change operations because it perpetuates the notion that gender is innate rather than socially constructed. Why can't your partner just remain transgendered? Why does she feel that masculinity must match up with male genitalia? Why can't there be effeminate men and masculine women? And as for you, are you attracted to butch lesbians?
To TheSamantha, As for physical transitioning in general, I don't believe I can pinpoint the reasons why my partner feels the discomfort they do with their body. I just want my partner to be happy, and I feel actively discouraging them from transitioning would be emotionally harmful to them. In terms of being in a relationship with someone who wants to alter their feminine body, I'm not too sure how to feel about it. Yes, I am attracted to both butch and femme women. However, I feel an aversion to some traditionally masculine traits, such as facial hair and male genitalia. I know that, inherently, gender is just a social construct that humans attach to certain physical characteristics and other objects. My attraction to others just so happens to lie with individuals with "female" bodies. So the idea of being physically intimate with a more physically masculine partner (brought on by increased testosterone therapy and surgery) brings me some discomfort. And, in a relationship, I do want to share that physical intimacy with a partner. If my partner were just a butch lesbian, I wouldn't experience this because the hormones and surgery wouldn't be necessary: she would still be through and through a woman.
