i want to start a family but

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by torz, Jan 17, 2005.

  1. torz

    torz Member

    ok, so i havent been on the hipforums for quite a few months now but, i really dont who else to talk to this about.

    I’m 20 soon to be 21, my maternal instincts are kicking in fast. I’ve been with my BF for nearly 4 years, he is 28. I’ve never really had any aspirations job wise, yeah I really like being a piercer, I enjoy it & it’s a bonus this I have a job I enjoy. My BF has a really good job, he’s been a glazier since he was 16 & been a fitter of PVC windows doors & conservatories for 5 years. He’s self-employed & earns really good money. My sisters boss who I do a few hours for during the week has said many a time to me that he can tell that I’ve never really had any desire to work & can see me at home being a house wife.

    Me & my BF has discussed kids many a time over in our 4 year relationship & I’ve always said I wanted to live my life first, I wana go out & have a good time, travel, & get my life over with before I start thinking about having kids & getting tied down. My BF has always said he wanted to wait but never been sure when he wanted to wait until. Just lately I’ve been thinking about kids more & more, I’ve been chatting to one of my friends, she has 3 kids all under 6y/o, she is 25. She can see me being a really good mum & really enjoying it. I stopped at her house Saturday so she could go out, she stopped over at a friends. Her eldest girl is 6, she has a girl at 3 & a boy at 18 months. I went to bed bout 3.30am but couldn’t sleep & the kids were up at 5.30am, they sent me a little crazy banging about & getting everything out in there bedrooms & by this time I was really tired but I loved every minute of it.

    I’ve tried to talk to my BF about kids but the only response I get is wait until we are ready which I think he is really saying is no, I’m not ready. I don’t think he’ll ever be ready to have kids, he would make a fantastic dad but I think he is too interested in having a laugh with the lads & drinking, where as I’ve never really been into going out to pubs & clubs & drinking.

    I’ve always said that when I have kids I wouldn’t work, I want to give them the best start in life which means staying at home with them until they go to school, I want to spend the time & energy, playing & teaching them, not palming them off to a child minder while I go to work. I don’t think a blokes life changes much when they have kids, yeah they have responsibilities & have to be a dad & bring the money in, but they still go out to work, still go out to the pub, drink & socialise with there mates. He’d have more of a free life than I would. I don’t think having kids stops you doing all you want to do either, its not as if I have that big of a social life in terms of going to town & clubbing, I probably go out bout once every month once every two months & I’d still be able to do that. Ok so I’d have to stop doing the drugs but that’s no problem, I’ve been getting a bit sick of them for a while anyway, I haven’t smoked any weed since new year & I’ve really not been bothered at all. Its not as if being around someones kids has made me all broody either, my elder sisters both have kids, I’ve been involved with them since I was 10y/o, I’ve looked after them enough times, karen has two boys aged 7 & 10, & jo has a little girl aged 2.

    I’m not the type of person to get pregnant behind my BFs back, I find that very unfair, but I don’t use contraceptives, I’ve tried them all. Been on every type of pill, done the coil, the injection, the implant the lot, they make me very violent & the doctors have told me I’ve not to use any contraceptives apart from things like condoms, femidom, spermicide, caps etc, my BF is scared of sprimicides, he had an elergic reaction to a product in one that made his penis swell & i dont like the cap thing, i couldnt even get a tampon out of my vigina on my own when the string went up so i doubt i'd beable to cope with that. if did get pregnant it would be both our fault on this one.

    I know at this age you body is physically ready & girls get broody & yearn for babies & I’ve felt like that many a time but my head would normally over rule & say no, but I now feel physically ready & mentally ready. Should make my BF discuss this with me more, am I being selfish, is he? I just feel very upset that he won’t even think it through. Someone please give me some advice on this matter.

    i feel really upset that he wont talk with me about it, i feel he is being inconsiderate to my feelings by not talking, he is just putting the matter to the back of his head & giving me a one worded answer, NO!
  2. Applespark

    Applespark Ingredients:*Sugar*

    life is never "over" Weather you have kids now or later you can still od the same things. It is a bit easier to go to school and work and party when you have no kid/ kids. 20 is still very young to have a kid even though he's 28 your still young and have time to still do what you need to do without worrying too much about not being able to soon or anything like that. I have a 3 year old Im 22 and I am about to marry my guy of 8 years. It's not easy every day to be a young mom / couple. Compared to other people my age we are doing some very advanced things with our lives. I'm happy with it. But I know it's not for everyone. I stay home. That is a lot of work for the man having to take care of 3 people on his own working. Maybe your guy isnt ready for that.
  3. YankNBurn

    YankNBurn Owner

    No first let me just say that "THAT IS SO DAMN FUNNY!" The jokes that could be made on that. I mean a guy complaining cause his buddy swells up and gets bigger!

    Okay now that my imature side had its time to soar!

    I think you need to pin him down and say to him we need to talk and NOW! I want a child, we have the means and I am ready now. If you still want to hang out with the guys that is fine, but I want a child. If his fear is that you will force him to change his lifestyle then assure him that yes it will change a bit but not in the way he is likely thinking it. Lots of guys assume that if they have a child the wife wants him there 24/7 with her and the baby, assure him he shall have some time for him too that way it is not such a shock to him. I am a guy been there done that and that was one of my fears about a kid. That I would have to stop everything and devote all my time. As it turned out that was never the case but I enjoyed giving my time because of the child. It just happens, here I thought I was gonna have time with my buds and ended up not really wanting to spend time with them but rather with the kids. Most guys are the same way but assure him there was an option to go be a guy with his friends!
  4. headymoechick

    headymoechick I have no idea

    I think that you definately should NOT have a baby right now. Not if you truely want him to be ready too. Have a serious talk with him. You're both still young so it's not like your biological clock is ticking. Find out is he is just not ready now, or if he just doesn't want a baby. Maybe he really doesn't. Then you need to think about either settling with out kids or finding someone else who shares similar goals. If he's just not ready, then wait. If you're seriously thinking about bringing life into the world, you have to think about what's best for him/her. A ready daddy can make a huge difference.
  5. torz

    torz Member

    i dont want to stop him doing what he enjoys at all, i know its a big step for him because i'm his first real GF, i was 17 when i met him, he was 24. he never really had a GF before me, he was just out for a good time taking drugs & drinking. when he met me he wasnt expecting a relationship, he wasnt expecting to fall in love (but is anyone). he tried to finish me because he was confused about how he was feeling. he's not very good at expressing his emotions (i supose he is the typical british bloke) or talking about how he feels. i really calmed him down, he calmed down on the drugs & doesnt go out drinking like he used to (getting very drunk every night), he hardly ever do drugs anymore (special occations like b'days & new year). i've changed him once i think he's scared of changing again.

    he has a really good job & we are financially secure. i wouldnt want him with me 24/7 if we had a child i just want the support he gives me now, i love him & he loves me. i think he is scared he wont be one of the lads anymore. the thing is he is the only one out of his friends who dosent have a child, he dosent like the way his friends are to there family, they all still act like "lads" & dont suport there family they way they should, they all still go out & get leathered most nights acting like they are still single.

    my BF has great respect for me where as his friends dont have respect for there partners, i think he is scared of loosing the life he has now. i dont want him to stop having a good time with his friends but i do expect him to be responsible & come home to me at night.

    i've always wanted children, my eldist sister had her first at 18 when i was 10, she had her 2nd at 21 when i was 13. i looked after them every other weekend so she could have a break & go out with her friends & i have a real bond with them. my other sister has a girl whos just turned 3. i've watched my sisters have there children & love being mums, since my eldist sister had her first i knew i wanted to devote my life to motherhood.

    i knew i wanted children early, i want to beable to relate to my childrens lifes when they get older. my mum had her first at 21, her 2nd at 23, she had me 30 & my brother at 33. the thing is she could realy understand what my sisters were going through as they were going through their teenage years but with me & my bro she found/finds (in my brothers case) hard to understand & relate to us.

    how can i show my BF that yes life will change if we have a child but it it will change for the better, he'l still beable to go out, we'll still beable to go out together with & without the baby.

    can i ask YankNburn, how old was you whan you had your child? what expectations did you have of family life & what scared you about family life? did your life change drematically & do you enjoy it?
  6. torz

    torz Member

    if he really dosent want a child now i wont push him but i want reasons, i want him to talk, i dont just want a NO. he does want kids, we have discussed children in the past & he does want to have kids.

    i wouldnt have one right now, no, i have my 21st birthday comming up in march & want to celebrate in style as i didnt celebrate my 18th in the same way. no i just want to talk about kids now & start thinking about getting pregnant in the autum or neerer winter.

    i love my bf more than anything in the world & i know he loves me the same. if he isnt ready to settle down with children then i will wait for him i just dont want to wait 10 years for him to realise that you can still have a life with a child.
  7. Applespark

    Applespark Ingredients:*Sugar*

    its a very different life with a child.
  8. headymoechick

    headymoechick I have no idea

    well, yeah you have the right to know why of course. A big talk is needed. You shouldn't have to wait 10 years, but compromising 1-2 would be reasonable. Let us know how things go!!
  9. ZePpeLinA

    ZePpeLinA Jump around!

    I'm 21 years of age, and only considered the thought of being a mother once or twice in my whole life. As one of the posters said above, life changes with a kid... I have friends who had their children at 17, 18, 19, 20 and what do they do? they stay at home, do mummy stuff and that's it, they might go out and have fun once in a while, i'm not saying it's bad but what's the hurry? you're so young and so is your guy, why should you have kids now? you'll have plenty of time in the future to have a bigger family, but now, just be the two of yous and enjoy each others company, travel, experience life as a couple....
    I'm not against having kids, but it's way too much responsibility...they'll come when the time is right for you and your fella.
  10. BrokenHunny

    BrokenHunny Member

    First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage :)
  11. BobbinBecca

    BobbinBecca Member

    Take each day as it comes, planning is great too, and the happy life is where you are content with both the present and the future as it is in the moment. You've given him 4 years, here's a change in you cool, now give him some time (like a year from when you've first changed) to see if you're both still made for each other.
  12. ArtistofPeace

    ArtistofPeace Senior Member

    I wouldn't want to have a kid with someone who wasn't completely sure. Don't push him...he's not ready, obviously. Let him enjoy his life. Yeah, you want a kid, but if he's not sure, why would you want to bring a child into the world with a man who wasn't 100% into it? He'll most likely come around at some point, and then you two can start a family. I'm sure it won't take 10 years. But for fuck's sake...stop pushing the guy. Calm your hormones. Life changes majorly with kids.

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