I thought I was straight. Then asexual. Now I just don't know.

Hi

This is my first ever post on here, since I didn't really consider the possibility that I belonged in the queer community until very recently. I'm looking for some advice and support about my sexual identity because I think I'm finally ready to be honest with myself.

I am a 34y/o woman, I’ve been married to a (straight) man for 7 years and am very much in love with him. I am also physically attracted to him, although I’ve been aware for quite a long time that I’m not really attracted to men in general, just him specifically. I even went through a short phase of thinking I was asexual which seems a bit ridiculous now. Now I'm wondering if I'm bi or even whether 'lesbian' describes me best. It is really hard for me to pin it down.

So. About a couple of years ago, me and my husband were out shopping for clothes and he noticed that I was looking at a group of very cute girls who were probably undergraduate students. He asked me whether I fancied those girls but I brushed it off, saying that I just like looking at pretty things. I also like looking at cats and nice seashells but that doesn’t mean I want to have sex with them.

So about a year ago, he surprised me by getting out some videos of topless and naked girls when we were about to have sex. I got super, super horny looking at those girls and since then we’ve been doing that and the sex has got at least ten times better. My difficulties with getting aroused have more or less disappeared. Obviously at this point I finally realised that my earlier explanation wouldn’t really cut it anymore, since I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t get horny over cats and seashells. So yeah…

Anyway, afterwards he told me he’d worked it out a while ago but wanted to be sure – and now he’s sure. He seems to be pretty open about the whole thing and hasn’t acted at all jealous, which is great. Although the one thing I’ve not told him is that I’m not really attracted to other men – I’m concerned that if I did that, he’d stop seeing me as bi and start seeing me simply as a lesbian and worry that I don’t fancy him at all. So I prefer to leave that Pandora’s box closed.

HOWEVER.

My husband has since asked me whether I want to explore this side of my sexuality, but I am a bit worried about this. First off, I grew up in a Christian missionary family who would be VERY not OK with this. Secondly, I am concerned that once I’m in a room with a girl, I’ll realise it was all a load of crap, just a fantasy, and that I am straight. Then I’ll end up hurting the girl, which I really don’t want to do, and I’m sure I would also end up feeling pretty miserable and ashamed of myself if that happened.

So my question is, how do I find out for sure in a totally risk-free way? I’m assuming my husband is being completely honest when he says he’s OK with me having an experience with a girl, so I am not that worried about that side of things getting complicated. I guess maybe a part of me probably still feels a bit guilty/ashamed because I was taught that anything other than sex inside of a heterosexual marriage was morally wrong.

Any advice for a new and very confused (probably) bi girl will be appreciated

Sophie.

 

I think the only way to know for sure is to try. Be open and honest with the girl and your partner and try and see.

 

As long as your husband is ok with it. I would ask him if he is wanting to watch or join in that may be some of his motivation to support it.

 

I to am a Christian with very strong faith and was also taught that anything besides monogamous hetero sex in the confines of marriage is a sin. That said I am bisexual leaning gay. I did not choose this, it is how I have always been since childhood. If I were to offer advice it would be to have a long heart to heart with your hubby. I had that chat with my wife and told her she would be the last woman I ever slept with. Yes , she found it hurtful but with long chats she came to understand that it was not her doing but that I have always been who I am and that I live her very much. I would also say that if you choose not to have this conversation or try to just forget who you may be then you will hurt yourself and possibly him more in the long run as you may start to resent playing straight when that is not who you are. I would not however jump into bed with some random gal and have sex, explore with a dance or a kiss to start and see how you feel about it at a local gay bar, the feelings you get from that kiss will tell you alot. I know the first time I kissed a man it was like fireworks and the thought ran through my mind of why did I wait so long .... Good luck to you young lady

 

First: forgott indetity!
Second: asexual has multiple sides.
- You have few or zero desires for sexual satisfaction.
- Other people do not find you sexually attractive.
- Sexual acts do not excite you sexually.
- You don't find other people sexually attractive.
- You don't find anything else sexually attractive either.

Remember the first point. It is absolutely unimportant what you are or want to be. It is only important what you feel and what you want to feel. There are only a few stimulations that are punishable. All other stimulations are perfectly legal. Do not worry about how others think about the stimulations you use. It is none of their business. It is your sexuality. Kinky is not forbidden.

For asexual, i have created a (more wordy creative) website with more infos about the matter: Asexism

 

I played 'show me yours and I will show you mine' at school around 10/12 years old, I liked the penises and the pussy's and still do till this day.

 

I will go along with some others advice, take it slow, watch all girl porn, try the lesbian bar and dance a little, maybe try a kiss. My guess is especially at the bar if you are talking with people and having a nice conversation and tell them how your feeling they will all say they have been there. I dont think you will hurt any feelings and might get a better idea of what you like. Might find out it is all just a fantasy and that is it. who knows but good luck on the adventure

 

good answer. What you like, and not what you are, and not what you want to be.

 

FWIW, I think that if you are open with the other girl/woman and explain it just like in that quote as well as that you are seriously curious, then it should be up to her to say how she's willing for the matter to progress. Little in life comes with no risk but you should test your curiosity as much as to know who you are (for yourself) as to have that physical experience.

 

Nothing is "risk free" when it comes to exploring new things, even your sexuality.

You have one major advantage and that's a supportive husband. Don't focus soo much on a lable for yourself.

Also, don't try to find some quick hook-up. Find a woman that you can talk to about this. You should look for some chemistry with someone before jumping in bed.