I Think I Need Some Help...

This sounds like drug resistant depression. Some times you feel the opposite of what the drugs are supposed to do. I had a misdiagnosis of this and damn near killed myself.

 

Thanks guys...I am no big fan of doctors or pills or anything; but honestly I'm open to just about anything right now.

Huh...well, what did eventually end up helping you?

 

I am pretty sure if you have been with a job for at least six months full time you can take an unpaid medical leave of up to 3 months and they have to let you keep your job. Famliy Medical Leave Act. Federal law. You just have to have a doc fill out your paperwork.

 

I ended up taking mood stabilizers such as lithium amd lamictal, they seem to work. I only want to kill myself every once and awhile now.

Seriously though Therapy along with proper medication has saved my life.

 

Grim, if I could hug you I would right now, I know all too well how you are feeling. And what a struggle it is to get yourself help when the mental health system itself has conflicting information and treatment.

IF your depressive bouts have formed after the anxiety attacks, and you think that your MAIN source of discomfort and unbalance is the anxiety and panic, your BEST course of action is committing yourself to cognitive behavioral therapy.

I relate to you completely in the sense that I feel like I have a grip on reality, am functioning, working, holding a relationship, yet still the hopelessness and fear or losing control of myself. What it sounds like from what you wrote, you are NOT suicidal, you are fearful of losing control and becoming suicidal. Those are two COMPLETELY different things and luckily for you, the latter is the easier to correct. Cognitive behavioral therapy will help you with the anxiety and panic attacks, and help you feel more in control and more comfortable.

Please take comfort knowing that fearing losing control and fearing suicide is not the same as being suicidal, they are symptoms and TYPICAL thoughts of people who have panic disorders. You are NOT going to lose control, you are not going to go crazy or kill yourself or anyone else just because your thoughts are saying so.

Also, the depression you've describes sounds more like dissociation, general melancholy, detachment, feelings like you are kind of watching everything around you happen but not genuinely feeling or expereinces the depth of emotions. THIS is also another result of having panic attacks, it's a result of the fight or flight response your body gets so accustomed to.

Keep your head up, check out some CBT, and please remember you are not crazy!

 

Someone mentioned a retreat, get to know your own mind -